by McClung, Amy
I shrugged. "I don’t know."
He scoffed. "Don't give me that shit, Gracie! After all of this, I deserve a real answer."
I sighed, "I needed to forget about someone else. I tried to make myself love Hudson to get over someone I couldn’t have. It's stupid, I know!"
"Gracie, you told me your feelings for me ended in high school," he said softly.
I nodded. "They did. I met someone recently that I've been spending a lot of time with. I fell in love with him, without meaning to. The problem is, he's gay and I knew that from day one. I allowed myself to fall for him anyway because he's everything I ever want in a guy. It was asinine for me to use Hudson to forget about him and I realized that, which is why I wanted to end it."
He touched my face. "Sweetie, I can’t believe….Wait, is it Ash?"
I stepped backward and the tears began to fall.
He sighed and reached for me. “Gracie, you need to know...”
I spun on my heels and ran out the door, not allowing him to finish.
Ashton walked in the room as I was leaving, my shoulders slammed against his chest as I tore past him. Ashton called out my name, but he didn’t follow me.
My heart hurt worse from Cameron’s anger than my sprained arm or bruised face. I kept running until I reached the parking lot. My car was still at Hudson's so I didn’t have anywhere to go. I sat on a bench with my head in my hands.
Ashton’s soothing voice penetrated my fog, “Come on, bug. Let's get out of here for a bit.”
I kept my face turned so he didn’t see me. He took my hand and led me to his truck. The silence of the drive tore at me. I wasn’t sure what Cam had told him.
I feared his anger when he found out what Hudson had done. He pulled over at the park where we spent our first evening talking. Ashton put the truck in park. My skin tingled when his hand touched my hair. “Talk to me, Gracie-bug.”
With all the courage I could muster, I turned my head. Devastation rolled over his features. Gently, he reached out to touch my chin; I flinched at the pain when his finger grazed my swollen jaw. His eyes welled up with tears.
With the back of his hand, he softly caressed the side of my face that wasn’t bruised. His voice choked. “Did Hudson do this?”
I nodded.
The anger flamed in his eyes. “And Cameron?”
I nodded again. “He was protecting me. Cam's always protecting me.”
His hands gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. “Where is he now?”
I choked again, “Jail.”
He wouldn’t look at me, and I felt like an idiot sitting there staring at him. I waited for him to berate me, the way Cameron had. “Cameron hates me now,” I said, wiping the tears that fell.
Ashton shook his head in disagreement. “He sent me after you. He asked me to take care of you. Thought you might need to talk, especially to me?”
That gave me some relief. Ashton’s hand appeared in front of my face with a tissue. I reached up with my arm in the splint; he hadn’t noticed it before.
“What happened to your arm?”
My eyes answered his question and he slammed his fists against the steering wheel. I jumped at the anger, scooting closer to the door.
He saw my fright, and his face fell again. “I’m sorry. Don’t be scared of me, Gracie-bug. I’m angry with Hudson, not you. Damn coward that’s what he is. I'd never hurt you.”
I reached for his hand and held it. "I'm not afraid of you, you startled me is all."
His face hardened. "How many times has this happened? You said Cameron always saves you? He knew this was going on?"
"No, this was the first time Hudson hit me. Cam came to be there for me in case the breakup went badly, because of Hudson's temper. He got there shortly after Hudson started hitting me. I wouldn't have stayed in an abusive relationship all this time. Before this it was a hard grip or a shove, nothing that I thought was too serious. The other times Cam saved me were different."
I paused, not sure how much I wanted to share. Ashton sat there patiently while I shifted through my thoughts. I knew I could trust him with anything.
"Gracie you don’t have to tell anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about with me."
I squeezed his hand. "There's no one I feel more comfortable with than you…and Cameron. You two have been the best friends I could ever want."
I closed my eyes and began, "My first date, I was fifteen and he was seventeen. Cameron and I had a double-date at a movie theater. The guy I'd crushed on for months, Chris, finally asked me out. Cam had a bad feeling about the way the guy was acting, I was clueless. We left the movie half way in to go to the car to talk. Cam wasn’t happy that we did that, he made me promise beforehand to stay in sight of him.
Chris took me to his truck that he had parked around the back of theater. He said he wanted us to have privacy. Things were going great. He told me I was beautiful as he touched my cheek and leaned over to kiss me. I was on cloud nine. His hands started roaming, just over my breasts at first. I'd never been touched that way and I liked it for a moment. His hands started squeezing too rough and I asked him to stop. He did. His mouth moved to my neck and I felt his hand move up my skirt. I tried to push him off, he pressed harder. He ripped my panties and shoved his hand inside me. It hurt so much it felt like his whole arm."
Ashton hissed beside me, his face angrier than before.
"He used his other hand to unzip his pants and I closed my eyes, knowing he was going to rape me. The car door opened and Cameron pulled me outside. He pointed at Chris angrily and said 'You ever come near her again, and I'll make sure you don’t have the equipment to rape anyone'." I choked back tears. "He felt terrible that he hadn't gotten there before he violated me completely. I wasn’t going to tell him just how far things went. When I got out of his car that night, there was blood on the seat. It was the first time I saw him cry. He had nothing to feel bad about as far as I was concerned. I was the idiot who put myself in that situation."
Ashton's jaw clenched tightly as he said, "I'd have killed him." The look on his face told me he wasn’t kidding. His index finger and thumb smoothed over his beard.
"Like I said, Cam's been my ongoing hero. He's never been hurt before though. Seeing him in that hospital bed…"
Ashton's features softened. He opened the door and stepped out, without another word. I watched as he walked around the front of the truck, and then opened my door. His hand reached forward, palm upward. I placed my hand in his and stepped out. Ashton gently cupped my head in his hand and pulled me into his embrace. He cradled my head against his chest allowing me to release my sobs. My body shook violently as the anger over the events in my life spilled out of me.
Ashton’s chest jumped as though he had hiccups.
My head tilted back, as my eyes rolled up to meet his. He didn’t have hiccups. He was sobbing with me, silently. Everything inside me wanted to kiss him right now. Dammit, why did I have these feelings for him that would never be returned? I didn’t speak, I just lay my head against his chest.
Ashton let go of me to wipe his face with his sleeve. He reached inside the truck again. He turned the ignition, played with the radio for a moment, until he said, “Perfect.” The song, To Make You Feel My Love, performed by Garth Brooks, played. He extended his hand, and said “May I have this dance?”
I took his hand, resting my splinted arm around his back. He placed my free hand over his shoulder, pulling me close. This song had always been one of my favorites. The words encompassed everything I felt for Ashton.
My eyes lifted upward to meet his. “What are we doing?”
He pressed his mouth against my ear, his low husky voice said, “Taking our mind off things.”
His warm breath against my ear made my body shiver. His hand rested at the small of my back. His body warmed me, stirring feelings emotionally and physically, feelings I wasn’t sure I could handle right now.
He peered down at me, “
Are you cold, sweetheart?”
I shook my head, somewhat embarrassed that he had noticed me quiver.
“You're so beautiful, my Gracie-bug,” he whispered softly as he caressed my cheek. He'd never called me 'his' before. The song, the dance, the way he was looking at me, it was too much, it sent me over the edge. I broke our embrace. I put my hand to my mouth, shaking my head.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Ashton’s brow creased. “I wasn’t trying to push. I only wanted to take your mind off of everything.” He didn’t understand, but how do I explain without utter humiliation?
“No, you’re sweet. You’re so sweet. And you’re funny, gorgeous, a true gentleman, an amazing friend. We can't be friends like this though. You’re everything I want. It isn’t fair and it's breaking my heart.”
Still confused he asked, “What isn’t fair? You aren't making sense right now.”
Ashton followed me as I moved around the truck. “I’m falling for you, Ash. I have been for a while now. I've tried to fight these feelings, but I can't anymore. Every moment that I'm with you my heart breaks a little more because being friends is not enough for me.”
His hand touched my shoulder, turning me to face him. He was smiling. “Why is that bad?”
I sighed with exasperation. “Because you’re gay!”
He spouted, “What? I’ve never told you that!”
Frustrated I yelled, “Come on, your best friend is gay.”
He nodded. “So is yours.”
I continued, “You like hanging out at gay bars.”
He nodded again. “As do you.”
I threw my hands up. “You’re a guy!”
His face twitched. “Ok, now you lost me. What does that mean?”
I sighed. “Guys don’t hang out at gay bars unless they're gay.”
He laughed. “Wow, nice assumption you made there! Has Cam never had a straight guy friend?” I shook my head and he responded, “Oh, well, I guess I can see where you came to that conclusion.”
It started to rain. He stepped forward. I backed away and ran for the nearest pavilion. Why I didn’t just get in the truck was beyond me.
He ran after me, grabbing my shoulders before I reached cover. The rain was coming down harder, we were both drenched now.
Grasping my shoulders gently, he said, "What would you say if I told you I don’t want to be friends anymore either?"
He pulled me close. His hand moved my drenched hair from my face and pressed against my cheek. He leaned down, his lips pressed against mine, softly at first.
I allowed myself to accept it, knowing he was only testing himself. Cameron and I went through this same thing in high school. He’d pull away and tell me he was sorry that he didn’t feel the same.
He wasn’t pulling away. His arms went behind my back pulling me closer. The rain continued to pelt us. Ashton tightened his grip around my waist. I wrapped my legs around his middle as he lifted me off the ground and moved us to under the pavilion that we were merely a few feet from.
His lips alone made me feel things I'd never felt. I ran my tongue along the seam of his mouth. His tongue slid into my mouth in response. I moaned at the sensation it sent all over my body. His body reacted to my moan, by pressing closer. Our hearts raced, I could feel his beating against my chest at the same pace as mine. The heat was building between us. This kiss was what I had been dreaming of and I didn’t want it to stop.
He lifted me to sit on a table so that I was closer to his level. Ashton's right hand cradled my head while his left hand moved inside the hem of my shirt. His fingers caressed my bare skin, sending chills all over my body. In my head, I was begging for him to go higher, but he stopped short of my bra line.
When we came up for air, he placed his palm against my face gazing at me as though it was the first time he’d seen me. It hurt because it was what I had always wanted and it wouldn’t last. I shoved him away from me. He stumbled back with a look of rejection and hurt.
“You’re a jerk. I’m not here to be your science project.”
He cringed, “What the hell does that mean?”
Stomping toward him, I sternly stated, “I’m not here for you to test your attraction for girls on. I told you that I have feelings for you. Instead of letting me down gently, you lead me on?”
"I'm not gay, Gracie. I never have been," he said.
"What? How can that be? If that's true, why didn’t you tell me before today?" I demanded.
"I had no clue you thought that!" he cried out.
"You didn’t think it was strange that I let you touch my boobs, I undressed in front of you, and I even let you sleep with me?"
He smiled. "Shouldn’t that tell you I'm straight? What straight guy would complain when a drop dead gorgeous female wants to show her body to him?"
I bit down on my lip, trying not to laugh. His grin told me that he could see it was hard for me to hold back. "Why didn’t you hit on me or tell me you were interested?"
He stepped closer. "You were with Hudson. I'm not that guy that goes after girls that are taken. I held back until yesterday. When you told me that you weren’t in love with him and were going to end things, I made my move. After we spent yesterday together I knew more than ever that I wanted you. That's why I painted the portrait for you."
The memory of his gift warmed me, and I hadn’t thanked him for it. "You always give me the most thoughtful presents. Wait, you painted it?"
He nodded, "Last night, after I dropped you off."
It was time to ask the big question, the one that could break my heart for good. "Do you have feelings for me?"
His head nodded slightly. "Part of you has to know the answer to that. I gave you a cutesy nickname, you're the first one I call for anything, and we talk all the time. I'm falling in love with you, Gracie. I have been since the moment I first saw you."
I coughed, choking on a sob as I said, "Why didn’t you tell me before? If you had told me sooner, I'd have left him. I didn’t know…I didn’t know anyone else wanted me. I thought I had to get you out of my system."
As soon as I said the words, I wanted to retract them. The way they came out sounded as though I blamed him for Hudson's actions.
Ashton closed the distance between us, his palm touching my bruised cheek. He whispered, "If I'd known he would do this…" He kissed my forehead, his soft beard tickling my skin, and said, "I've always wanted you. Every time we were together, it took everything I had not to kiss you. Several times I tried to kiss you and we were interrupted. I assumed it was a sign that it was for the best."
He leaned forward, slid his tongue across my bottom lip, then said, "That morning when you forgot it was me next to you, I wanted to make love to you right then and there. The day I saw you at the restaurant, Hudson was all over you, it made me sick. I wanted to pull him off of you. When I drove you home from the restaurant, when you kissed me, I wanted to kiss you back so badly. I thought it was you trying to get back at Hudson or something and I wanted our first kiss to be special."
A warm feeling swept through my body, causing me to gasp softly at his confession.
"How could you not know I was into you? I practically undressed you with my eyes every time we were together," I replied.
He frowned, "I noticed the first night we met. After that, you were always telling me about your intimate moments with Hudson. I didn’t think you would tell me that stuff if you were into me."
I covered my mouth. "I'm sorry, that probably wasn’t easy to hear."
He shook his head. "No, it wasn’t."
"I've wanted you ever since we first met too, Ash. I've had fantasies about us, lots of them, not all dirty either," I said.
A wicked grin came over his face. "Well I'd like to hear about the naughty ones first," he said in a husky whisper. I blushed causing him to laugh. He lifted me up in a bear hug, careful to not squeeze my sore arm.
He set me down, stepped back, and gave a loud, "Woohoo!", jumping up and do
wn, for a moment.
I laughed. "What was that?"
He replied, "That was me cheering at finally telling you how I feel!"
He pressed his lips against mine again and I giggled. "Your beard tickles."
He grinned. "I'll shave it."
I gasped, "Don’t you dare!" He lifted me, spinning me around.
"I can't believe you thought I was gay all this time,” he said with a laugh.
"You must have thought I was such a tramp!" I exclaimed.
He lifted his index finger and thumb an inch apart, signifying a little. My mouth gaped open in shock. He roared with laughter and lifted me up again. I gasped as pain shot up my arm. He dropped me back to the ground.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. I should've been gentler."
"I'm fine. I'm better than fine. Call me that again."
He stared at me curiously. "Call you what?"
I smiled. "Baby."
He caressed my face, "I'll call you baby from now on if it elicits that smile."
"Do you mind taking me back to see Cameron? I need to make things right with him."
He nodded. "Sure, let's go."
He opened the car door for me. As he drove, I placed my hand on his thigh. The moment I had placed it there, his leg twitched as he repositioned himself. I smiled, knowing that I was driving him nuts with my hand so close. To tease him, I slid it toward the inside of his thigh.
He chuckled softly. "You're so bad."
I bit my lip as I laughed.
When we arrived at the hospital, he came over to open my door. He pressed his body up against me as he pressed me against the side of the truck. His deep husky voice whispered in my ear, "Does that feel like someone not attracted to you?" I bit my lip and felt him grow more.
He closed his eyes and groaned, "Can you make up fast?"
I nodded.
Ashton held my hand. As we approached Cam's room my squeeze became tighter. We stopped just outside the room. He turned to me and asked, "You sure you're ready?" I gave his hand a squeeze and nodded.
As we walked in, Cam and Gavin looked up at the two of us, quickly noticing our fingers entwined. Cam gave me a sly grin and said, "You're such a tramp!"