by J. L. Jarvis
Through eyes dried and wearied by unconquerable grief, he saw it again. “It was the first night I was gone. He came in the darkness and tied Abuelita to the chair facing the corner. She did not see, but she must have heard sounds—Rosa’s cries and the sounds of that animal taking his pleasure.”
Ana reached for his hand. It was clenched in a fist. It opened and he lifted his palm toward her, waving her off.
“The next night, Abuelita hid behind the door. She had borrowed a gun. As Rosa let him inside, Abuelita closed the door and stood there with the gun pointing at him. The patron laughed at that fierce little woman with her gun pointed at him, and told her that if anything happened to him, he had already seen to it—paid people—to make sure I was killed. So she could squeeze the trigger, but that bullet would shoot me, as well. There were so many times that I wished she had done it. I would have died to spare Rosa what that animal did to her. I’ve wondered. No, I believe Abuelita would have done it—killed him anyway. This was her granddaughter. She knew I would forgive her. But Rosa….” Carlos shook his head. His voice broke.
“Rosa walked over to Abuelita and took the pistol from her. And she took it and held it up to her own head.
“‘Don’t break Carlos’s heart,’ Abuelita told her.
“And so, she did not pull the trigger. The patron dared her. He laughed and he dared her. Then he took the gun from her and called her a coward.” Carlos took in a breath and he held it, releasing it slowly. He did not say what happened next.
“She was no coward. No man could have been braver. She lived in hell to spare me. And when I came home, I called her a whore. I will never live long enough to forget the sound of my voice and the look on her face.
“After Abuelita told me as much as she dared, she waited for me to calm down. When she let me go back inside, I found Rosa curled into a ball in the corner of the bed. I touched her and she shuddered. She would not be touched. How could I blame her? So I sat by her bed and I wept. But Rosa, she could not cry. Before dawn, we left. Abuelita, Rosa and I went into the mountains and hid. In the night we would travel, heading north to a friend who once offered to help me. Days later, we arrived here, where we found my friend Eduardo.”
“My Eduardo?”
Carlos nodded.
“But how did you know him?”
“I will let Eduardo answer that.”
Ana did not understand the evasion, but did not press further.
“He convinced your uncle to give me a job. Rosa never got over what happened the year I was gone. She did everything for me. She cleaned and cooked. She washed and she mended. But she would not let me touch her, and she would not let me marry her. My God, I loved her. Each day I hoped—” He stopped, his words choked off by the emotions he would not release. When he could, he spoke slowly. “I hoped that love would drive away the nightmare of her memories.
“We were together a month when the baby was born. It had not gone well. She begged me to take care of him after she was gone. I told her to stop talking like that, but she knew. She begged me not to let him be an orphan. ‘Let him have a father to be proud of,’ she begged me. I saw death in her eyes, and I promised. I promised I would raise him as my own. She must have fought off death just long enough to hear it, because the moment I said it, she left me. Jaime is part of her and for that I love him. I will not fail him like I failed his mother.”
Ana reached over and took hold of his hand.
Carlos shook his head. “I will not do anything to risk their safety. I will not leave them.”
Ana nodded. Tears that had clung to her lashes fell in drops. She opened her mouth to tell him she loved him, loved him so much it made her heart ache to think that her love could hurt him or his family. But the only words that would come were those from her heart, and she could not speak those just now. If she did not leave soon, she might blurt them out—words of love and of longing.
“I’m so sorry,” Ana whispered. She pressed her lips to his cheek, and she fled.
Chapter 6
Carlos caught up with Ana at the end of a brick warehouse. He took Ana’s hand and led her around the corner between two buildings and swept her into his arms.
“Don’t run from me.”
Ana clutched the cloth of his shirt and sank inside his arms. Their bodies pressed close, and their scents blended in with the warm air around them.
“I have asked you to risk too much for me,” she said.
His arms tightened about her. “There is nothing you’ve asked that I did not want to give.”
Ana lifted her chin. It was too dark to see his expression. But he kissed her and the world went away for a moment.
Carlos said, “But you see, don’t you? We cannot be together.”
Ana clung to him. “No,” she said softly.
Carlos said, “It would have been easier to let you go on believing I was married. You could have hated me then, and let go. But I could not let you go. And I saw how I’d hurt you, so I told you the truth. But now I must hurt you again.”
“Please don’t say it—not yet. Just wait a little.” She turned and pulled his arms about her and leaned back and looked up at the sky.
Carlos held her and said, “Mi amor.”
Ana melted against him.
“We must let go.”
“No.”
“If anything I did hurt my family—”
A small moan was all she could utter.
“Ana.” Her name came from his throat like a sigh.
As they neared the main house, horse hooves pounded against the hard ground. Carlos pulled Ana into the shadows and pressed her against the stone wall with his body. When the horses had passed a kiss held them together.
A gray haze began to awaken the sky. Carlos pulled away and held Ana by the shoulders.
She said nothing.
He stepped a few paces away, still holding her hand. Without a word, Ana followed.
They might have been seen from the house as he leaned down to kiss her, but it was their last, they would not be robbed of it.
A door creaked overhead. Ana gasped and looked up. Carlos covered her mouth with his hand. Small night sounds grew pronounced as they waited. Feet scuffled against the tile floor of the balcony directly above their heads. Ana dared not move. Muffled laughter drifted inside and the door closed.
When they reached the kitchen door, Ana turned in a panic. “What if Graciela sees me before I get to my room?”
Carlos held her shoulders. “It’s all right. Don’t complicate things. You couldn’t sleep, so you went for a walk.”
“But if she says—”
“You will say, ‘How foolish of me. I wasn’t thinking. Of course I’ll be more careful in the future.’ Keep your mind clear. Don’t explain more than you have to.”
“Yes, of course. I just went for a walk.” Ana thought it all through in her mind, as though she were convincing herself it were true.
“Where is your room?” asked Carlos.
“On the second floor over there.” She pointed far down the house.
“I’ll wait over there.” Carlos pointed to a gardener’s shed not far from the window. “And I’ll watch to make sure you’re all right.”
Ana nodded. She put her hand on the doorknob, but made no effort to turn it. Carlos moved close behind and encircled her waist as he whispered, “Adios, mi amor.”
Ana turned her head and leaned back. Carlos spun her around and pulled desperately close. “God help me.”
Ana looked at him, stunned.
A determined look came to his face. “Give me time.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know. I can’t lose you. There must be a way.” He looked at her face with such awe, then a cloud seemed to pass over. He asked, “Are you sure?” as though still not able to believe such a thing could be true.
Ana’s eyes shone with hope. “That I love you?” A joyous smile bloomed. “I’ll let you know—the next time I see you
.”
He grabbed her and kissed her.
Minutes after, Carlos leaned his shoulder against the woodshed and looked up through the early dawn haze at the window where Ana gazed back, her palm pressed to the glass.
Carlos ran at full speed as the train inched its way from the platform, while Eduardo hung onto the rail at the end of the car. He was waving and yelling, “Hurry! They’re leaving without you!”
Carlos neared the caboose and, grasping hold of Eduardo’s outstretched hand, hopped aboard as the train pulled away. He caught his breath as he staggered into car, laughing and dusting his trousers and boots. The two sank into two seats facing one another in the lavish Pullman car. Through the window, Carlos watched the hacienda grow small in the distance.
“What happened to you?” said Eduardo as he eyed Carlos’s rumpled shirt and eyes ringed with dark circles. “You look like the devil.”
“But I’ve been with an angel,” said Carlos.
Eduardo arched an eyebrow and grinned. “What is this? The chaste charro, who makes women sigh, here before me—in love?” Eduardo’s face fell in mock piety. “But, Padre, if you leave the priesthood, who will hear my confessions?”
With a wide grin, Carlos grabbed his hat and swatted at Eduardo. “I may have lived like a priest, but it wasn’t by choice.”
“And what changed you?”
“What else?”
“Ah, the angel.”
Carlos gave a nod, but was no longer smiling.
“My God, it’s serious.”
“Yes,” answered Carlos.
Eduardo cupped his hand by his ear. “Do I hear church bells?”
Carlos’s smile faded. “No.”
“No? But, my friend, no wedding? That is not like you. I’m the infidel. But you—with your religion—”
“I would marry her today if I could.”
Eduardo, now serious, leaned back and listened.
Carlos said, “I’m hers. I can’t help it. If she did not love me back, I would still have to love her. Is a love like that possible?”
Eduardo knew that it was. “And she loves you, too?”
“Yes.” He suddenly grinned. “And that is what makes it so hard to believe.” Carlos stared out the window, not even trying to hold back his joy, while the train’s heavy clatter continued without breaking its rhythm.
The next few days for Ana were unendurable. Graciela decided it was time to train Ana in the ways of running a household. She received instruction on planning menus, supervising staff, and certain aspects of elegant table manners which she said Ana’s her father had neglected, all of which threatened to drive away potential suitors.
“But I don’t want to marry. I can’t think of love now.” As she said it, she felt Carlos’s lips, their sweet warmth, and the taste of his kiss. A blush washed her cheeks.
“My dear Ana, you don’t have to think of love, but you must think of marriage,” said Graciela as she unlocked a closet door for a maid.
“I’m not ready for marriage.”
“You may not think so now, but months from now, if all goes well, you’ll walk down the aisle, from your dear uncle’s arm to your groom.”
“My groom?”
Graciela smiled proudly. “Oh, I’ve got several fine prospects. It hasn’t been easy. You have no property to speak of, but you’re pretty and young. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if by Christmas—”
“Christmas? Why not just go ahead and schedule it for the Day of the Dead?”
Graciela laughed with genuine amusement, a rare thing for her. “Ana, you’re a clever girl.” Graciela leaned closer and lowered her voice. “Perhaps a bit too clever. You must be careful with men. They don’t like to be outwitted.”
“Then I’ll just have to wait until someone loves me enough to put up with my wit.”
“We can’t wait that long, dear.”
Ana took a breath to speak.
Graciela went on. “And why do you cling to this notion of love? We are looking for a husband, not a lover.”
“You mean you are,” said Ana.
“I’m what?” asked Graciela.
“Looking for a husband,” said Ana.
“Oh, yes. For a husband.” She nervously chuckled under her breath. “Not a lover.”
“There’s no need,” added Ana.
“Of course not!”
“I meant for me.”
“For you?” said Graciela, regarding Ana like a stranger. “Well I do not need a lover!”
Ana squinted and studied her aunt. “I didn’t say that you did.”
“No, of course not.”
“And you never intended to suggest that I would not be better off without a husband.”
Graciela’s eyes glazed over as she looked at her niece’s guileless face. “Of course. That’s it, precisely.”
“Good.” Ana excused herself and walked away smiling.
With Carlos gone, Graciela loosened her hold on Ana, and permitted her freedom to go for walks when she was not needed for instruction. Because she was a quick study, it took but a few days for Graciela to fill in the few gaps in Ana’s knowledge of etiquette and matters of the household. Thus, by the end of the week, Ana found herself with time enough to go walking alone, undisturbed. Within a few days, Graciela seemed to have forgotten the incident with Carlos. She suspected her aunt had attributed it to a mere girlish flirtation and put it out of her mind. It now fell to Ana to make certain her behavior conformed to Graciela’s assumption.
This would not be so easy, Ana realized as she stood at her window and watched the train bringing Carlos and Eduardo back from Gómez Palacio. Black smoke billowed into the air and drifted like storm clouds before dissolving into the clear sky. How her heart pounded along with the train’s rhythmic engine. A sustained screech as it pulled to a halt did nothing to still Ana’s heart. The sound rang in her ears. In such a state did she truly intend to conceal anything from her aunt? Flushed and panting for breath, she would surely reveal her secret and ruin it all. So she watched from inside the house until she could assume an unfounded serenity, then she walked just a little too quickly past a maid, down the stairs to the window, and pulled back the draperies. She peered out at the train, the curtain fabric clutched in her fists. Graciela glanced back toward the house. Ana dropped the draperies and stepped back from view. Her hot cheek cooled by the plaster wall, she leaned and watched from the side of the window.
Carlos stepped off the train with his jacket in hand. His white shirt hung in soft folds from broad shoulders. Black pants fit tightly to his sinewy legs, which Ana studied until wanton feelings made her blush and look away. But she looked back again. Carlos stood talking with don Felipe and Eduardo with a posture so erect it might have seemed studied on someone else. But Carlos possessed a subtle awareness of himself which, combined with his pensive demeanor, was elegant. It drew people to him. Even from this distance she could feel his presence.
Carlos looked toward the house, but don Felipe put his hand on Carlos’s shoulder and led him to the rear of the train where some workers were already unloading the horses Carlos had purchased in town. Don Felipe listened as Carlos appeared to describe each horse. Occasionally he would stop and pat a horse with a strong hand. Ana longed for the touch of those hands.
The sound of footsteps jolted her from her reverie. She yanked the curtains closed and turned. Her cheeks were flushed. Eduardo opened the door and looked at her warmly. Two strides later he scooped up her hands and pressed them to his lips.
“Ana, how are you?”
“Good.”
“So I see. You look lovely.”
Such earnest adoration brought pangs of guilt, for as much as she treasured his friendship, she no longer doubted his affection for her. In his eyes, she saw unexpressed hope. Were he to give voice to his feelings, it would break her heart not to return his love.
He noticed the color in her cheeks and misunderstood. His eyes shone with adoration. “Your new home agrees
with you.”
Ana looked down shyly.
“Come sit with me. We’ll have some tea. We’ll get caught up on what has happened since I left.”
Ana said, “I was just going to change to go riding. It’s so stuffy in here. I thought some fresh air might revive me.”
“That’s an excellent idea. Give me ten minutes. I’ll meet you back here.”
Ana opened her mouth to offer an excuse, but none came. She nodded. “Ten minutes.”
They walked past the corral where Carlos was showing don Felipe the new horses. He had one saddled and was about to take it for a ride when he saw Ana. Their eyes locked as long as they dared. Ana shyly studied the ground for a moment, then lifted her eyes to see Eduardo watching, a strange expression on his face. She forced a false smile, which made his eyes cloud over. Ana looked ahead toward the stable.
She heard the clip-clop of horse hooves behind them. Carlos was walking one of the new mares they had just brought from the city.
Without looking at Ana, Carlos said, “Don Felipe wants a report on how she handles. Would you two care to join me?”
Eduardo turned to Ana to ask her. He followed her eyes to Carlos. “Ana?” said Eduardo, now looking at her.
Ana turned to look at him.
“Would that be all right?”
“Yes, of course.”
Carlos rode ahead into the hills, testing the mare on the rocky terrain. She gave him some trouble, but he was in control.
Eduardo studied the way Ana watched Carlos. He considered his words before saying, “Carlos tells me he’s in love.”
Ana blushed. “Oh?”
“Yes.” He watched her reaction intently.
Ana’s eyes darted down to the ground. When the silence had grown too long to bear, she looked up at Eduardo. His gaze was flat. The guilt rose within her. She looked away, but he watched her. She felt it. She was not good at deception.
They returned to the stable, where Ana dismounted and gave the reins to one of the stable boys. Carlos went on about his duties, led the horse into the stable, and took off the saddle.