by Jennie Adams
‘Jess. Lukey.’
He couldn’t be talking if he was really in trouble, could he?
‘Dad.’ Luke’s breath rushed out of him. ‘It took forever for them to let us in.’
There was so much else that Luke wasn’t saying. Jess knew it because each and every fear was inside her, too. Was he all right? What had been happening while they were closed out there? Was Dan going to be all right?
The nurse told them they couldn’t stay long.
Jess went straight to the side of the bed and took Dan’s hand. Luke hovered behind her until she reached with her other hand and drew him forward.
The affection in Dan’s eyes made that action immediately worth it. ‘Sorry. Worrying…everyone.’
‘What happened, Dad?’ Luke asked in a hushed tone.
‘Wasn’t too bad…Luke. Had…’ He glanced at the nurse.
‘Dan’s had what we call a transient ischaemic attack.’ The nurse held Jess’s glance. ‘This is sometimes referred to in lay terms as a mini stroke. Although it was quite scary, there aren’t usually any lasting effects from this kind of attack. We just want to do our tests and make sure we take all the steps we can to ensure we don’t have a bigger repeat.’ She smiled at her patient. ‘Don’t we, Dan?’
‘Yes.’ A fierce expression came over his face. ‘Going to get better.’
Luke swallowed and nodded. ‘Of course you are, Dad.’ His voice quavered before he added, ‘You’re not allowed to do anything else.’ It was as close as the boy could come to asking Dan not to die.
Dan’s glance moved between Jess and Luke. He looked worried.
Jess was worried.
Luke was worried.
And they had to pull together for Dan right now.
‘Luke’s been a great support, Dan.’ Jess let her glance catch the boy’s eyes before she looked back to Dan. ‘And I organised babysitting before we got here.’
Jess had got one lady to look after Dan’s children and Ella, and the other to care for her day-care children until further notice.
The nurse stepped forward. ‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.’ She looked at Jess. ‘You can come back to check on him this evening. He needs to rest.’
‘We have to go, Dan.’ Jess didn’t want to leave his side.
Dan nodded and caught his son’s gaze again. ‘Be fine, Luke.’ His expression as he turned away showed he didn’t believe this and Jess’s heart lurched again.
Dan had to be fine!
The nurse ushered them out with kind efficiency whether they wanted to go or not.
When Jess got out into the reception area, she went straight to the desk. ‘The nurse has explained a little of Dan’s condition but I would really like to speak with the doctor as well, and if anything else happens I want to be notified immediately.’
‘Of course.’ The receptionist took details from Jess and gestured behind them. ‘Take a seat. Doctor will be out to see you as soon as he can manage.’
They sat. They waited again. Should she send Luke away while she learned all of what had happened to Dan? ‘It might be better if you leave me to speak with the doctor, Luke.’
‘Please. Let me stay with you. If anything’s— I’d rather…’
‘All right, Luke.’ One glance at his set face and Jess put the idea of shielding him out of her mind. She might not feel that Luke was old enough or mature enough to have to deal with something like this, particularly after losing his mother as he had, but it was happening anyway and keeping him in the dark about any of it wasn’t going to help him.
Finally the doctor came out and addressed Jess. ‘You’re the partner?’
‘Yes. Jessica Baker.’ Jess gestured to Luke. ‘This is Dan’s eldest son.’
‘Right. Well, the nurse has explained that we believe Dan’s had a transient ischaemic attack.’
‘And that Dad won’t have lasting symptoms from it,’ Luke put in.
‘That’s usually correct though there can be permanent damage to the brain, but in the case of your father we’re not concerned that there’ll be anything nasty.’ The man drew a breath before he went on. ‘For now we’ve run some tests and will be conducting some further tests to determine what caused the TIA. He’ll also be seen by a neurologist, and once we know where we’re up to we’ll be putting Dan on a plan to do everything we can to ensure that this remains an isolated, one-off incident.’
But that wasn’t something that could be guaranteed? ‘If it happened again—?’
‘It would most likely be a more serious event than this one.’ The doctor went on to delve into various things that could cause a TIA. ‘Dan’s already let us know that he’s probably getting too much salt in his diet, and not exercising enough. We’ll see what else turns up as the result of our tests and what the neurologist thinks when he sees him.’
Until that moment, Jess hadn’t fully let the seriousness of Dan’s situation sink in. ‘He’s not old, he’s healthy, even if he does eat too many packets of crisps and things.’ The words blurted from her, but even as she said them her thoughts turned to what he’d been through in the past four years.
To him working so hard to get his family in a position where he could move them out of the city. Working mostly from home so he could care for the children full-time by himself, be fully responsible for them.
Had Dan even realised how much pressure he’d been putting on himself all the time? How much had he pushed down inside himself while he tried to be Superman to his family? Had that contributed?
‘Why don’t you go home, get some rest and give us a call this afternoon?’ The doctor laid a hand briefly on Jess’s arm. ‘The best thing for our patient now is to rest, and I’m guessing that knowing things are under control at home will help with that. He was worried about you, and about his children.’
‘I’ll take care of everyone!’ Tears tried to sting the backs of Jess’s eyes at the thought of Dan worrying even for a minute about her in the middle of this.
She thanked the doctor and she and Luke made the trip back home.
‘Jess—I’m…sorry for being…for not being nice to you.’ Luke’s low words stopped her before she could get out of the car when they arrived. ‘It’s just that Dad…’
‘I know, Luke.’
‘But you really care about him, don’t you?’ Luke swallowed hard. ‘That way, I mean.’
‘Yes.’ Jess couldn’t see the point of trying to hide something that Luke had recognised long ago. ‘I do. But he doesn’t—’
He didn’t care about her in the same way. She couldn’t choke the words out.
And she wasn’t sure if Luke heard her, because the others had rushed outside all asking questions at once.
Jess helped Luke answer those questions, and counted the hours until she could go back to the hospital and see Dan again. She needed to see for herself that he truly was going to be okay.
The day dragged. Finally Jess was able to go back to the hospital. She took sleepwear for Dan, toiletries and anything else she felt he might use once he was allowed out of the intensive care unit.
The intimacy of packing for him didn’t escape her, but now wasn’t the time to dwell on those feelings. Jess needed to feel she was doing something for him.
‘Is he truly doing okay?’ Jess asked the duty nurse as she entered the intensive care unit. ‘I phoned several times today and they said there hadn’t been any more problems, but—’
‘He’s as well as we can hope.’ This was a different nurse. She was brisk and not inclined to enter into any kind of dialogue. ‘You can have five minutes with the patient and then you’ll have to leave.’ She turned her back to attend to one of the other patients.
Jess moved to Dan’s bedside. His eyes were closed and his face looked drawn and pale. Her heart stumbled with fear and longing to tell him how much she loved him, to beg him to stick around, to not let anything happen that would take him from her, but she didn’t have the right to those words with Dan. She
didn’t have the right to any of it.
‘Jess. You’re here.’ Did his voice hold a hint of tenderness?
She searched his eyes. The face that she had come to know and love as she’d cared for his children.
That was what would be on Dan’s mind. His babies, not his babysitter.
‘I’m here, Dan.’ She clasped his hand because didn’t they say that contact was healing? Jess pushed aside the thought that she was looking for healing for her own fears, too. ‘The children are fine. They’ve been worried about you but I got a good sitter for as long as it’s needed, and another one for my other day-care children. It’s all taken care of.’ Her voice turned husky as she pushed the rest of the words out. ‘All you have to do is…get better.’
And not die on her. That was Jess’s deepest fear. Luke’s, too. The knowledge of that was what had pulled them together today, but it was a temporary fix. It didn’t mean Luke would truly accept Jess, and Dan wasn’t about to ask him to anyway.
‘The doctors say I was lucky this time.’ His fingers curled around hers. ‘I’m worried about the children, Jess. Adele and Clive…love them, but they have their own lives. The kids already lost their mother. They need me.’
The raw honesty of Dan’s words, of his fears for his family, wrapped around Jess’s tender heart and squeezed. She forced her emotion back, couldn’t let it out. Not now. She had to be strong for him. So that he could go on being strong for himself. ‘You’re going to recover, Dan. The doctors will tell you what you need to do to avoid—’
‘A worse episode?’ He swallowed. ‘They’ve made it quite clear that’s what I could expect if it happened a second time.’
She had known that, but it still struck fear even deeper into her heart to hear him say it. ‘Dan. Please…stay well, get better and…stay well.’
For his children. He probably thought she meant for the children and Jess did, but even deeper inside she meant for her. Would he please stay well for her?
Her fingers tightened around his hand, and his tightened too. Jess let herself lean forward then and wrapped her arms carefully around his shoulders. A sob tried to break free and she bit it back but for a moment she clung to him and every fear and uncertainty in her own life and now in his combined together into a deep well inside her. Dan’s life was the only thing that would help her. Dan living, day in and day out, well and healthy and not under threat of being lost to her for ever.
Oh, Jess understood the fears of his children only too well, because they were deep inside her too.
The nurse bustled over to take Dan’s readings, and told Jess she had to go. Jess got one last look at his face, murmured his name and the promise that she would be back in the morning.
‘Have—have a good night, Dan. I’ll see you in the morning.’ She needed to hear the words, even if she spoke them aloud herself. She would see Dan in the morning.
And Jess did, and visited him again that afternoon, and by the afternoon of the next day he’d been transferred to a normal ward and was able to have a visit from his children though they had to take turns going in two at a time.
Dan was starting to look better. But his concerns about the future remained in the backs of his eyes, and remained deep within Jess as well.
She heard from Dan’s solicitor that she had no grounds to fight the situation with her cottage.
On the fifth day the doctor let Dan go home. Two days later Jess got a notice that her cottage would be auctioned one month from that day. She’d handed over care of her other day-charges to one of those two older women who’d helped out during Dan’s hospitalisation.
At least she had a month to take care of Dan and to figure out what to do about accommodation for her and Ella. She’d heard from Ella’s grandparents again, but hadn’t been able to give them much more than a quick hello on the phone as she’d explained that her employer was sick in the hospital, though she did let them know that the auction date for the cottage had been set.
While Jess’s heart ached constantly for Dan, for reassurance that he couldn’t give her, to find some way to make it that he never got sick again, she focused on him and the children, and seeing to their needs. She slept at the house and expected everyone to understand, and they seemed to. Even Luke appeared grateful for her constant presence, and Jess was very careful, after her initial raw, unguarded fear for Dan, to try to be as professional as possible in front of all the children.
The next evening when the children were all in bed, Dan asked her to come out on the veranda with him. It reminded Jess of another night, of her first kiss with him on a swing seat. Jess had memories, too, of making love with Dan in his bed in his room here in the house. But she couldn’t afford to torture herself with those memories.
She had a lot of needs when it came to him, but, for now, she could only do all she could to help with his recovery.
Dan watched expressions chase themselves across her face and gave thanks that he’d escaped this time with what was commonly called a mini stroke. The functional difficulties it had caused were gone. He was on doctor’s orders about reducing salt in his diet, going for a walk every day, and there was a medication he had to take for a while until they felt it was safe for him to stop using it.
‘I got off lightly this time.’ He’d ended up facing his mortality anyway, and he needed to talk to Jess about it. Dan had done nothing but think of what could have happened if it had been worse. What if it had maimed him for life? Made it impossible for him to work? Or killed him? That was the one that worried Dan the most.
‘You did get off lightly, Dan.’ She drew a shaky breath.
As he searched her face beneath the veranda light where they stood side by side at the railing, Dan saw the stress and strain that Jess had been through since he called her on the phone that morning stamped across her face. ‘I’m sorry it was hard on you, too, and I appreciate everything you did to look after the family.’
‘Adele and Clive would have been here in a minute if you’d let them.’ Jess turned to search his face. ‘Your sister loves you and the children very much.’
‘I know it.’ He blew out a breath. ‘She’s in the early stages of pregnancy. They weren’t planning to have any children, and she’s a little older than is probably optimal. She’s going to need to look after herself and—’
‘Avoid stress? That’s what I want you to do, too, Dan.’ But she nodded to show she agreed with him.
‘Jess, I’m going to do everything I can to try to make sure this isn’t repeated, but I can’t guarantee it.’
‘I don’t want that to happen to you again.’ Her distress was real, and deep.
Dan’s heart clenched. ‘If something happens to me—’
‘It won’t! And I’ll stay, Dan. I’ll help for as long as you want.’ Jess sucked up a breath. ‘I don’t need to find other work until…you don’t need me any more.’
Her generosity humbled him. Her willingness to make her life work around his so she could help him… Well, Dan had a request that would be asking her to do even more of that. ‘I want to ask you something, to put a suggestion to you that I hope might be of benefit to both of us in the end.’
Dan had thought and thought about it until he made the decision to ask her. He needed this reassurance if Jess could be prepared to give it. Needed it so he could know his children would be secure. That need had been all consuming for Dan since he suffered the TIA.
‘What is it that you want to ask, Dan?’ Jess frowned.
‘I need to know my children will be in a secure situation if anything does happen to me.’ When she would have protested again, he held up his hand. ‘I’m not looking for that to happen. I want to live a long, healthy life and if I get to have any say in it that’s exactly what’s going to happen. But I can’t control fate. This mini stroke made that abundantly clear to me. I want to get my children into the most secure position that I can, and I’ve come to realise that relying only on myself to care for them and be there for them has
been rather arrogant of me. I’ve assumed things that I can’t control.’
‘Life is like that.’ Jess’s mouth tightened. ‘There have been things in my life, too, that I haven’t been able to control. They’ve just happened whether I felt ready for them or not.’
‘Luke told me you got notice that your cottage is going to auction a month from now.’ He said it gently because he knew that had to have cut Jess deeply.
Her shoulders tightened. ‘I wasn’t going to trouble you by telling you about that.’
‘I wish you had.’ He laid his hand over hers where it rested on the veranda railing. ‘It’s not fair for you to be dealing with the fallout of my visit to hospital, and trying to keep all your own worries away from me.’
And that brought Dan to the rest of what he wanted to say to her. Behind them he heard the faintest rustle of sound—a breeze picking up along the veranda?
Somehow it felt right to be holding Jess’s hand as he said these words. Dan didn’t love her but there were other things he could offer and maybe those would be enough?
‘You need a home and security, Jess, and I need security for my children so I can stop worrying about them ending up without a parent.’ His words were low, quiet, but spoken with conviction just the same. ‘You and I—there’s an attraction between us and I like to think there’s at least some affection, too.’
Jess listened to Dan struggling through each word and her heart lodged very firmly in her throat because what was he saying? ‘I don’t understand, Dan.’ She didn’t. All she could comprehend was his hand over hers, how much she loved him, the need to keep him safe and the knowledge that Dan was right and she couldn’t guarantee anything. Jess hated that fact.
‘Will you marry me, Jess?’ Dan’s words were stronger as he asked the question, but then they quietened again. ‘Help me to feel that I’ve made my children as secure as possible, and ensure security for you and Ella at the same time?’ He turned her hand into his and searched her eyes, and his words became even quieter. ‘I would do everything possible to be a good husband to you. I’d hope for a normal relationship between us. I realise there’s not love, but—’