Building on Lies

by T. Banny

  His words made me want to cry. I’d heard the same things from Chan. But he wasn’t willing to show the world how he felt about me. But here was Joaquim. Willing to be the perfect guy for me.

  “ I love you, Nellie," he said, and that’s when I just couldn’t take anymore. I felt tears come on, and all I could do was stare at Joaquim helplessly. I felt so overcome with guilt.

  I didn’t answer him. Instead, I turned and ran away from him. I had no idea where I was going because my eyes were blurred with tears. I just felt myself pushing through the crowd, until I was out of the ballroom.

  I walked aimlessly until I came to double doors that led outside. I opened it, and was in the middle of one of the garden paths I’d seen earlier. The cold air slowed me down and I stood there in the night air.

  It was then I saw Channing and Samantha. They were standing directly in front of me, and I could see them clearly. String lights entwined through the trees were were twinkling above them, all around them, like a scene from a romantic movie.

  He was kissing her. And it wasn’t a “ I don’t like you, I’m only with you because you’re crazy” type of kiss. It was a serious kiss. Hands in her hair type of kiss. Her arms wrapped around his waist type of kiss. I could even hear her moaning softly.

  I didn’t know what to do. I felt numb, rooted to the stop. I didn’t even feel the cold night breeze. All I could do was stare at the boy I loved kissing someone else.

  And then he saw me. He stopped kissing her, and just looked at me, his green eyes glittering. I could even see his nostrils flare, and he looked so guilty I almost felt embarrassed for him.

  “ Chan, what is it?" I heard Samantha ask, in her baby doll voice.

  She turned to see what he was looking at. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was shivering with cold, but I couldn’t move. It was like a part of me wanted to see how this would all play out, even though another part of me wanted to flee.

  “ Nellie," Channing said, and I wanted him to shut up. There was too much feeling in his voice. But I didn’t know if the feeling was love, or guilt or pity.

  “ What’s wrong with you?” Samantha asked me, her voice hard. “ Are you a fucking perv, watching other people kiss?”

  “ Shut up, Samantha," Channing snapped, and he looked like he wanted to slap her.

  “ I’m sorry," was all I could think of to say. “ I didn’t mean to interrupt”.

  “ Samantha, let’s go inside," Chan said to her, and he put his arm around her waist. It was so painful, seeing him touch her so intimately.

  “ Yeah, babe. Let’s go somewhere a little more private," she said, rolling her eyes.

  She shot daggers at me as they walked past. Chan didn’t look at me as he walked inside with her.

  Even when they were gone, I stayed where I was. It was only when a breeze blew, chilling me and ruffling my hair I somehow managed to move. I staggered to a nearby bench, and sat down. I put my head in my hands. I could feel tears slipping down, and warming my hands as they fell.

  “ Nellie?" I heard Ro’s voice, but it sounded like she was speaking to me from a tunnel, from a far away distance.

  “ Nellie, I saw Channing. He told me you were out here. Sweetie, don’t cry," she said, wrapping her arms around me.

  “ He was kissing her," I told her, dazed.

  “ Nellie, forget that. He told me to tell you to wait for him here. To give him a few minutes," Ro said.

  “ He was kissing her, Ro," I repeated.

  “ Do you want to wait for him, Nellie? Because, baby, we can go inside, and you can tell him to fuck off," Ro said, angrily. “ You don’t need to hear any of his excuses”.

  “ And Joaquim told me he loved me," I said, and that got me crying again.

  “ Oh, Nellie," Ro sighed, holding me close.

  We were silent. I just let Ro hold me because I really didn’t think I could move.

  We heard footsteps, and then it wasn’t Ro holding me. It was Channing. I recognized his scent…his unique smell of of sandalwood, and pine and soap.

  “ Ro, can you give us some time?" he asked her.

  “ I’m sick of you, Channing Sutton," Ro said, her voice flat. “ Nellie deserves better than this”.

  “ I know that," he said, simply.

  “ And where’s your precious Samantha?" Ro demanded.

  “ She’s with Bethany. But please, Ro. I just want to talk to Nellie. Can you please give us time?" he pleaded softly.

  Ro left, and Channing lifted my face to look at his. He kissed my eyes, my cheeks, my lips.

  “ I’m so sorry," he murmured. “ I’m sorry you had to see that, Nellie”.

  “ Chan, I just don’t understand," I said, my voice ragged. “ You told me you didn’t love her. You were with her because you had to be , not because you wanted to be”.

  “ I don’t love her, Nellie," he said. “ Not one little bit.”

  “ That’s not how you kiss someone you don’t love," I said, shaking my head.

  “ Nellie, I’m sorry you saw me kissing her. I don’t know what else to say. It was wrong, and I’m sorry," he said.

  “ Am I just a game to you, Chan?" I asked, willing him to answer me truthfully. “ Am I just some Portuguese girl you want to have fun with? ”

  “ No," he said, shaking his head. “ Nellie, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I want to be with you. I love being with you. But Samantha is a huge part of my life, too”.

  “ What does mean, Chan?" I cried. “ Because you know what? Joaquim is a big part of my life too. He just told me he loves me, Chan. He wants to be my boyfriend! I could probably be really happy with him. But I’m giving him up to be with you!”

  “ This is going to sound so sick, Nellie, but it was you I was thinking of you when I was kissing Samantha. It’s always you. When I hold her, when I kiss her, even the few times I have sex with her. It’s you I see. And I know that’s wrong, and gross, and disgusting, but it’s how it is. I’m not saying you need to accept that, but shit, Nellie. If you could only understand what I feel for you," he said, and he kissed me.

  I couldn’t help it, I kissed him back. As awful as it was to kiss a boy who was just kissing someone else a few minutes before, I couldn’t help it. I just loved him too much.

  He pulled away first. “ Nellie, we shouldn’t do this anymore. I want you to be happy. And that’s not going to happen with me. I messed up my life two years ago. It’s not fair to drag you into this”.

  “ Oh, Chan," I breathed, and I started crying again.

  “ I swear, you make me so happy, Nellie. But I’m not making you happy. I’m asking you to lie for me. I’m asking you to give up a guy who could be so awesome for you. And it’s just not right," he said, sadly.

  “ What are you saying?" I asked, softly.

  “ I’m saying…” he looked away as if he were struggling with his words. “ I’m saying maybe we should end this. Maybe you need to be with Joaquim. Someone who can be there for you. Someone who deserves you. I’m not sure I’m that guy”.

  “ Chan, please. I just want this to be easy," I said, shaking.

  He took off his tux jacket, and wrapped it around me. It was warm, and smelled wonderful. I lifted a sleeve to my nose and breathed deep.

  “ So do I, Nellie. But it’s not," he said, and then he kissed me. I knew it was a goodbye kiss, and so I just kissed him back with all I had in me.

  It felt like it always did. Like we were the only two people who existed. My hand went up to his shoulders, his fingers wrapped up in my hair, ruining my hairstyle. Then his arms wrapped around me, and held me so tight, I could feel his heart in chest.

  I don’t know what made me open my eyes. I guess it was probably the same thing that made Chan open his eyes earlier when he’d been kissing Samantha. You can sort of feel when someone else is watching you. Especially if the person watching you is fueled by some strong emotion.

  For me, it was hurt. I felt like every part of me was brea
king when I saw Chan and Samantha kissing.

  For Samantha, it was hatred. When I opened my eyes and saw her staring right at us, I could feel the hatred coming off her in waves.

  I moved away from him, and looked away.

  “ Nellie…,"he began to say but I stopped him.

  “ Samantha is there. Maybe you should go to her," I whispered.

  He turned around, and saw her. She was standing almost in the same spot I’d been standing in.

  He went stiff, and pulled away from me. I knew he wasn’t going to tell Samantha to get lost. I already felt him moving away, his body and his feelings. He wasn’t going to tell her I was the girl he loved. He was going to follow what he felt his destiny was. A life with Samantha St. John.

  I didn’t wait to watch him make decision. I got up, and walked down the garden path in the opposite direction. But I didn’t give him back his tux. I’d earned it, darn it.

  A tux jacket doesn’t keep you warm at all on a cold December night in New England. What does keep you warm is hot tears streaming down your face. And a sadness so deep not even the coldest wind can hurt you. I felt so sad and miserable inside I could probably have fallen into a black hole and not realized it.

  I was walking through A-Park. I knew my friends were probably wondering where I was, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I just felt like walking. Even if it meant walking in a neighborhood I wasn’t familiar with. On a dark night, in a flimsy dress, cheap heels and a tux so big I had to clutch it tight so it wouldn’t fall off.

  I didn’t notice the car started driving beside me. I was too lost in my own thoughts. I had this huge ache inside me, and nothing else registered bu the pain I was in.

  “ Nellie," I heard a male voice say. “ Get in”.

  I didn’t recognize the voice, and even if I had, I couldn’t stop myself from walking. It was like I was on auto-pilot.

  “ Nellie!” It was Ty Sutton. He parked his car, got out, and ran to catch up with me. He had to grab me to stop me. I struggled in his arms.

  “ Let go of me!" I shrieked. “ Just leave me alone!”

  “ Nellie, you can’t walk by yourself all alone. It’s not safe," he said, holding me tight.

  “ Are you serious, Ty? This is A-park. It’s probably the safest place in the world!" I snapped. “ Now get away from me, okay? I want to be left alone!”

  “ I get that," he said. “ But Nellie, let me take you home. You don’t have to talk to me. Just get in the car so I can get you home safe and sound”.

  I glared at him. I wanted to punch him, scratch his eyes out.

  “ Just go and die!" I yelled, and then I attacked him. I started hitting his arms, his chest, everywhere, until I ran out of strength.

  He let me hit him, and then he held me when I collapsed into tears. “ I’m sorry I’m not Chan," he said softly.

  I was too tired to say anything. I honestly felt like I was going to pass out right there. He actually had to lift me in his arms, and put me in his backseat. I curled up in a ball, sobbing. But no tears fell. It was like I was all cried out, but my body didn’t realize it, and so all I could do was shake and sob.

  Ty didn’t try and talk to me. He drove me home in total silence. I didn’t have to tell him where I lived.

  He got me home. He turned off the engine, and sat there.

  “ Tell your brother I hate him," I said, my voice sounding choked and strangled.

  “ Okay," he said.

  “ No!" I cried. “ Don’t tell him that! Tell him I love him, Ty! I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. I’ll pretend, I’ll lie…I just want us to be together!”

  “ Okay, Nellie," he said again.

  “ No, don’t tell him that either. Don’t tell him anything” I said, and I took a deep breath. I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore.

  We sat in silence. I could see lights on in my house, but I wasn’t ready to go inside.

  “ Why can’t he just make up his mind, Ty?" I asked after a while.

  “ I don’t know, Nellie," he said, but it sounded like he had a lot he wanted to say. But Chan was his brother, and I was just some Egg Cove girl.

  “ Give him this," I finally said, taking off the pearls. Ro had been right. Pearls brought tears.

  Ty took them, and put them in his glove compartment. “ You take care, Nellie-girl”.

  I nodded, and got out of his car.

  Chapter 7

  There was only a week left to school after Winter Dance. I convinced my mom to let me stay home. I told her I was sick. It wasn’t entirely a lie. I felt so heart sick it was almost physical. There were times where I couldn’t breathe, like I’d just seen the hugest spider in the world. I cried so much my eyes became puffy and swollen. All I wanted to do was sleep.

  Ro tried to cheer me up, but there really wasn’t much she could say to make me feel better. Joaquim dropped by, with the hugest bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen. He didn’t know about Channing, or the Winter Dance. Ro told him I’d left Winter Dance because I had gotten sick.

  He didn’t mention what he’d said to me that night. He just sat with me in my living room. We watched a few movies, and I even curled up in his arms. He didn’t say a word about being in love with me. He just seemed to want to comfort me, even though he didn’t know why I was upset.

  I told Ro how it was Ty who drove me home, and she called him to thank him. They had a long conversation, but I had no clue what they talked about. I couldn’t even work up the energy to ask her. I was just too caught up in my misery.

  “ Nellie, you need to eat," my mother kept saying to me, but food was tasteless. I didn’t have an appetite anyway.

  “ Nellie, you wanna go out and do something?" Ro kept asking, but all I wanted to do was stay curled up in my bed.

  The only thing got me a little worked up was a phone call from Bettina Grant. It was about a week into Christmas vacation. Christmas had come and gone, but in my depression it had felt like any other day. I was busy trying to be interested in all of the gifts Ro had gotten from Tommy when my cell rang.

  “ Hello?” I said, flatly.

  “ Nellie, it’s Bettina Grant," Bettina said, and she sounded anxious.

  “ Oh. Hi," I said. I didn’t really want to talk to her. I hadn’t heard from Channing. I hadn’t expected to hear from him. A part of me wanted to distance myself from anything to do with Chan. It was easier not to think about him. But here was Bettina Grant, one of his best friends, calling me.

  “ Nellie, I can’t talk long. But listen, you need to be really, really careful. Samantha is furious. Seriously, I’ve never seen her like this," Bettina said, rapidly.

  “ I don’t give a rat’s ass about Samantha!" I snapped. “ Channing and I aren’t seeing each other anymore. So, him and Samantha can just drop dead for all I care”.

  “ Nellie, I know you and Chan are over. Trust me I know," Bettina said, and she sounded regretful. “ But Samantha doesn’t care. She’s livid you and Chan had something going on. I’m telling you, you need to be careful”.

  “ Oh, what’s she going to do? Come over here and scalp me? Tell her to fuck off," I said, and hung up. Ro looked at me in surprise when she heard my language, but I didn’t care. I was tired of Samantha St. John.

  I couldn’t believe I’d spent so much effort and energy trying to transform myself into Samantha. Buying stupid slutty clothes that weren’t even my style. Taking hours to put on my makeup in the morning. Neglecting my friends so I could hang out with her boyfriend.

  It made me sick. If I never heard Samantha’s name again in my life, it would be too soon.

  “ Hey, Nellie, you want to go down to NYC with me and Em and Ana this weekend?" Ro asked me one morning. We were in my room. Ro was on the phone with different people, but I didn’t know exactly who. I kept drifting in and out of sleep, like I’d done ever since the awful night. I could hear bits and pieces of her conversation, but none of it made sense. Nothing made sense.

  “ No," I said,
tiredly.

  “ Come on, Nellie, it’ll be fun” Ro wheedled. “ I already asked Daisy and she said it’s fine”.

  “ Nah, Ro. You go," I said.

  “ Nellie, I’ll feel terrible leaving you here alone all weekend," Ro insisted.

  “ You don’t have to feel bad," I mumbled, feeling my eyes getting heavy again. “ I’m so depressed I’d probably ruin all your fun anyway”.

  “No, you won’t!” Ro exclaimed. “ We can go shopping, go out to eat, take pictures at Rockefeller Center. Come on, Nellie. You’ll have a fantastic time. It’ll get your mind off things”.

  “ All weekend?" I asked. “Where are we going to stay?”

  Ro looked away. “Em has family there. She said we can stay with them.”

  “ I don’t know," I said. “ I’m not feeling too good”.

  “ And you won’t feel good until you get out of bed! Do something! Wash your face! Come to NYC this weekend!" Ro said, sounding frustrated.

  I couldn’t help but smile at Ro waving her hands wildly in the air.

  “ Ro, was I wrong?" I asked softly. “ Was I stupid?”

  “ That’s not for me to say, Nellie," she answered, helplessly. “ Love makes us do crazy things. You don’t think clearly”.

  “ I hurt so much," I whispered.

  “ I know. He’s hurting too," she said.

  “ How do you know?" I asked, sadly. “ He didn’t even come after me. He just let me walk away.”

  “ Nellie, who knows? You’ll never know unless you sit down and talk with him. And not just a few stolen moments at an old farmhouse, or in his room, or at a bowling alley or at a dance. You guys need real time, days probably, to sort things out”. Ro got up to pace the room.

  “ Well, that’ll never happen," I muttered. “ I just need to forget him”.

  “ So, this weekend? Are you in? Can I tell the girls you’re going?" she asked, abruptly changing the subject.

  I shrugged. “ Yeah, I guess so. Maybe it’ll do me good to get away for awhile”.

  “ Cool," Ro said, smiling. “ I’ll let them know”. She got her cell, and walked out of the room. I turned back to my pillow, but I heard her say, “ Yeah, I convinced her to go. Just get everything ready”.