by T. Banny
“ Eh, no, not really. There is a coffin maker here but I didn’t sign up for that”, Chan said. “ I thought it would be kind of dead”.
I looked at him, and my lips twitched at his stupid joke.
He didn’t exactly smile back, but he looked a little more relaxed.
“So what are you working on?”, I asked, softly.If we weren’t going to talk about us, then I figured we could talk about his hobby.
“ Different things”, he said, unresponsively, as if he just didn’t want to talk at all.
“ Chan, if you want, I can go to the lodge and get someone to pick me up”, I said, getting up. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“ Why are you here, Nellie?”, he asked.
“ I really, honestly, thought Ro and I were going to NYC”, I explained, sitting back down again. “ I thought I was going to spend a weekend in the city with my friends. That’s why I have my overnight bag. But I don’t know, I guess Ro and Ty worked in cahoots and somehow I ended up in Ty’s truck, and he was bringing me up here”.
“ Ro and Ty?” Channing looked surprised.
“ Yeah, I don’t know what that’s about, either”, I said. “ They’re friends now, I guess”.
“ So, he forced you up here? It’s not like you really wanted to see me?” Chan looked at his fingers.
“ Chan, you told me you wanted to be with Samantha. You thought I’d be better off with Joaquim. Remember?” I said. “ Why would I come up here to see you if you broke up with me? I know how to respect your wishes”.
Chan looked straight at me. “ You do, don’t you?”
I nodded. “ Yes, I do. I don’t want us to break up, but what can I do? Force you to be with me?”
“ You’re so different from Samantha”, he said, almost to himself.
“ Yeah. I know. And that’s why you’re with her and not with me”, I said, my voice breaking. “ I’m not what your parents want. I’m not rich, or classy. I wouldn’t bring your family any status. I’d be lost in Ardsley Park.”
“ That’s not what I meant”, Channing said, quietly. “And… I’m not with her anymore”
“ What?”, I asked, not sure I’d heard him.
“ I broke up with her,” Chan repeated. “Completely”.
I knew I should have been ecstatic to hear those words coming from him. I’d been dying to hear those words since I’d started seeing Chan.
But they didn’t make me happy at all. If anything, it left me feeling more hollow than ever. Did he break up with her because she’d finally caught us together? And if they were really over, why hadn’t he called to get back together with me?
“ I guess it must have been really hard for her to see us together”, I said.
“ That’s not why I broke up with her”, he said, as if reading my mind. “ And I don’t feel the least bit sorry she saw us, as nasty as that sounds”.
“ I broke up with her because I’m not happy with her”, he continued. “I’m miserable. She makes me really depressed. She doesn’t love me, and I don’t love her. I’m with her for all the wrong reasons.”
“ Did you tell your parents?” I asked.
“ Yeah, I told them. They were really angry. My dad and Sam’s dad are in the middle of some financial investment. He said I was jeopardizing that.” Chan gave a bitter laugh. “ Because that’s what really matters, you know? My dad’s financial investments”.
“ I’m sorry, Chan”, I said, wanting to go over and hold him. I didn’t though. I sensed he needed space.
“ Well, I’m not sorry. I’m done. And I told them that. I’m done with them micromanaging every part of my life. I told them I’m not seeing Samantha, and I don’t care what she does, or what her parents do. And I’m not interning at my Dad’s brokerage house this summer. I’m going to spend the summer working on my apprenticeship so I can join the Woodworkers Guild. Because that’s what I want to be.”
“ Wow”, I breathed. “ You laid all of that on them at once?”
He laughed, as if he couldn’t believe it himself. “ I did. I guess it’s just been all bottled up for so long it came spilling out”.
“ I’m proud of you”, I said, and I genuinely was. I knew it wasn’t easy for him. He wasn’t uncontrollable like Ty. He was the responsible son, the one who was going to follow in his father, and grandfather’s footsteps. He’d always taken that responsibility very seriously.
“ Thank you”, he said. “ But man, were they furious. My mother said I was being cruel to Sam. She said Sam had suffered so much because of me”.
“ But it wasn’t all your fault. You guys were really young…you made a mistake”, I said, sympathetically. I just couldn’t fathom how his parents couldn’t see that.
“ She even sort of hinted it was because of me Sam’s not…all there”, Chan green eyes darkened. “ I told her Sam’s been mentally ill all her life. It had nothing to do with me. I mean, I’m sure what happened…with the pregnancy, and the adoption…made Sam sicker, but her parents should have sought help for her, you know? I don’t know why they think I’m the one that’s going to make her better”.
“ Anyway, I told my mom I was sorry. But there was no chance of Sam and I getting together again. And then Sam’s mom called and said Sam was upset and threatening to do herself harm. And I just snapped. I told them they needed to lock her up, then.”
He turned to me, his brow furrowed. “ Do you think I was harsh?”
I shook my head. “ No. It’s the truth. If she’s threatening suicide then she needs medical help. Getting her back together with you should be the least of their concerns”.
“ Sam’s parents give her everything she wants. They think forcing me to be with her is giving her what she wants and making her happy.”, Chan took a deep breath.“ Anyway, My Dad told me if I didn’t get back with Sam, and take my finance internship this summer, then he was sending me to military school”.
I gasped. “ And what’d you say?”
“ I told him that wasn’t happening. Me getting back with Sam, going to the internship or being sent to military academy. I’d rather emancipate myself first than let happen. And my Dad said I’d be a carpenter over his dead body. He didn’t even listen when I tried to explain I don’t want to be a carpenter. There’s a big difference between a carpenter and a cabinetmaker. But what does he care? If it’s not a job netting more than a million bucks a year, then it’s not a real job”.
“ So I guess they weren’t happy with you coming up here, then. Did you tell them?”, I asked, looking around at the cabin.
“ Nah, they have no idea where I’m at. I mean, my Dad remembered I was supposed to be going to a sports convention over winter break. He told me I wasn’t allowed out of the house until I saw reason. So, I borrowed my friend Nate’s car and sneak up here. They’ve got a tracking device on my Mercedes in case it ever gets stolen, and I didn’t want them using it to find me. I made Ty promise not to tell them where I was going. Ty loves annoying my parents, so I’m sure he’s having a great time not telling them where I’m at”.
I rolled the can of Raid around in my hands. I was so proud of Chan, but I wanted to know why he hadn’t called me. Why I wasn’t a part of all these major decisions. Maybe he’d just wanted a clean break from everything, including me.
“ You sure you’re not hungry?”, he asked me again. “ I’ve got some sandwiches in the fridge. And soft drinks”.
I shook my head. “ I’m fine. Really”.
“ You look really thin, Nellie”, he pointed out. “And you’re not a big girl to begin with”.
I shrugged. “ I haven’t had much of an appetite”.
He didn’t respond. He got up, and sat next to me on the bed, taking the can of Raid from my hands, and putting it on the floor.
“ Listen, I’ve got to get back to my workshop. I only came back here to take a shower. Will you be all right here alone?”, he asked.
“ Can you walk me back to the lodge before you go
?”, I asked, feeling like my heart was breaking. He obviously didn’t want to talk about us.
“ I think it’s kind of late for anyone to come get you, Nellie”, he said, gently. “You’re going to have to spend the night. I can go and get you some magazines and stuff to read so you won’t be bored”.
“ How long will you be gone?”
“ I won’t be back until really late”, he replied. “It’s just a three day workshop, so we try and squeeze in as many projects as we can. But I still have time to go into town and get you some stuff to read. Magazines, if you want”.
“ Did you bring your cell? I kind of want to chew Ro out for doing this to me”, I said, annoyed and angry. I didn’t want to be here if I was going to be a burden.
“ No. I wanted to be out of touch with everyone, so I shut it off and left it home”, he said.
“ You don’t need to get me anything”, I said, and I wrinkled my nose. I could once again feel tears. Gosh, why was I such a crybaby? Why couldn’t I be cool about our break-up, like he was?
He sighed, and got up. “ I’ll be back later on then. Oh and the bathroom‘s through that door”.
He grabbed his jacket, and put it on. He didn’t even turn to look at me. He just walked out. I went to the window, and watched him as he strode down the path to wherever his workshop was. Then I went back to the bed, and pulled the covers back. I decided to cry myself to sleep. I was getting to be a pro at it.
Chapter 8
I was still sniffling when I heard Chan come back. I held my breath, and stayed really still under the covers. He didn’t say a word, and I peeked out from under the thick comforter to see what he was doing. He threw some magazines and candy on the table, took his shower, then slipped back out.
I fell asleep again. It was dark when I woke up. I had no idea what time it was. I got out of bed, and grabbed the can of Raid like a weapon. I held it tight, my index finger on the nozzle just in case I had to do some super spraying, and made my way to the bathroom. I switched on the light. It was more of a closet with a shower head and toilet than an actual bathroom. I went to the smallest sink I’d ever seen and turned the water on. I splashed some cold water on my face, hoping it was just my blurry vision making the water look more brown than clear.
I looked at myself in the foggy mirror hanging precariously over the sink. I looked awful. My eyes were puffy, my hair looked like it had when I was in the fourth grade…a snarled, tangled mess. No wonder Chan wasn’t at all thrilled to see me. I’d lost so much weight my face was pinched and narrow.
Perfect. Chan, on the other hand, had looked awesome. The cold air must be doing wonders for him, I thought. He looked strong and fit and just plain gorgeous. But I looked like a wreck. It convinced me luck and I just weren’t friends.
I gave the bathroom one last nervous look, then rushed out of there. The last thing I needed was a panic attack to add to my problems.
I looked over the magazines he’d bought. One was a fashion magazine (blech), a gossip tabloid ( they were actually a guilty pleasure of mine) and a National Geographic. I took the tabloid, a bag of Skittles, my can of Raid, and went back to the bed. I munched on the Skittles, the can of Raid on my lap, and read the magazine from cover to cover.
I got out of bed to change into my pajamas, an old over sized tee shirt I’d gotten at the Portuguese festival last year. It was kind of thin, but I hadn’t expected to be falling asleep in a drafty cabin. I thought I’d be in a warm apartment somewhere in New York City. I dug deep under the covers to ward off the chill.
I was sleeping again when Chan got back. I knew it had to be very late. I opened my eyes, groggily. I watched him grab a towel from his bag, and head into the bathroom. I closed my eyes and listened to him shower again. Then he came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. It wasn’t entirely dark in the cabin, but it was still kind of dim. He must of thought I was still sleeping, though, because he didn’t turn on the light. He made his way carefully to his bag, and I had to turn away as he took the towel off. It was too dark to see anything important, even though I have to admit I was kind of curious. But it wasn’t fair to spy on him like that. I did get a great glimpse of his butt, which was really impressive. He tugged on a pair of those sexy boxer briefs, and he looked so hot standing there half naked in the moonlight I wanted to grab him and make out with him until the sun came up.
But I just pretended to be asleep. I heard him walk to the leather couch, and settle in there. I felt bad for him. Chan was over six feet tall, and I knew there was no way he would be able to sleep comfortably on couch.
I sat up in the bed. “Chan, you don’t have to sleep there. We can trade. I‘ll take the couch”.
“ That’s OK, Nellie. I’m fine”, he said, his deep voice sounding beyond tired.
“Do you want the comforter, at least?” I asked. It was so drafty in the cabin even I was kind of cold under the blanket.
“ I’ll be fine. If I get too cold, I’ll just get my jacket”.
“ You’re going to be all stiff in the morning sleeping on a couch”, I said, but I leaned back down in the bed. He didn’t respond.
“ Did you have fun in your class?” I asked, just wanting to hear his voice again. I hated that we were in the same room, and treating each other like strangers.
“ It was good”.
“ Did you make anything cool?”
“ Nellie, I’m kind of tired”, he said.
“ Oh”. I put my face in the pillow. I sighed, and sniffled a bit. My nose was running with the cold.
Then Channing was beside me on the bed. “ Nellie. Don’t cry”.
I turned to look at him. “I’m not crying”.
“ I thought…”. He sounded embarrassed. “I thought you were crying. I heard you sniffling”.
“ I’m just cold. My nose is kind of running”, I said, softly, staring up at his handsome face. I wanted to reach up and pull his mouth onto mine.
“ Oh. Do you want my jacket? It’ll warm you up”, he said.
I took a deep breath, and took his hand. “ Why don’t you sleep next to me? We can keep each other warm. The bed’s big enough for two”.
He hesitated, but then he crawled in next to me. I bit my lip to keep from grinning like an idiot, even though he probably wouldn’t be able to see my face in the dark, anyway.
“ Let me sleep against the wall”, he murmured. “In case of spiders”.
I shuddered at the thought. “ Sure”.
He started to roll over me to get to the other side, but then he just held himself over me. He looked down into my face. It was dark but I could see his gorgeous green eyes. He was breathing hard.
“ God, Nellie, I want to kiss you so bad”, he whispered.
“ So why don’t you?”, I asked, softly. I rubbed my thumb over his lips.
“ We should just sleep”, he said, and he rolled next to the wall.
I could have screamed in frustration. He wanted me, I just knew it. It wasn’t only me.
But what was I going to do? Beg him to kiss me? I had a lot more pride than that. I turned over on my side, my back to him. I wasn’t sleepy. In fact, I was wide awake. That’s what happens when the boy you love more than anything in the world is lying right beside you, ignoring you.
“It wouldn’t be fair, Nellie”, he said, all of a sudden.
“What wouldn’t be fair, Chan?” I asked.
“Us getting back together. I took advantage of you. I forced you to sneak around with me. Even when I knew it was wrong to do to you.” He sounded so regretful.
“ Chan, you need to stop blaming yourself for everything all the time. I’m a big girl. I could have told you it had to be me or Samantha. But I didn’t”.
“ Because you’re a good person, Nellie. But I was selfish, and you know it”.
“ You were”, I agreed. “ But so was I. I’ve been really selfish, ignoring my friends, stringing Joaquim along”.
I turned to face him. “But that�
�s because we’ve been weak, Chan. We should have fought for our love, instead of acting like it was something wrong”.
“ It never felt wrong”, he said.
“ I know. Because it wasn’t. So what you’re from A-Park, and I’m from Cove? You’re rich and I’m not? Big deal”, I said.
“ I never cared”, he said, and I was thrilled when he pulled me close. “Sam’s from A-Park, and she never made me feel like you do”.
“ How do I make you feel?” I asked, snuggling into his arms.
“ Good about myself. Positive. Like I can be so much more than I could ever imagine, you know?” He paused. “People look at me funny sometimes, you know? There’s Chan Sutton. The guy with the controlling parents, and the crazy girlfriend. The guy who gave up his kid at fifteen, even though it’s supposed to be this huge secret. The one with the insane brother. And I just feel so low, you know? But I never feel that way with you. It’s like you’re the only one who understands me. Who doesn’t make me feel ashamed”.
“ You don’t have anything to be ashamed about”, I told him. “I think you’ve been so strong. You might have a lot of opportunities, but your life hasn’t been easy”.
“ Neither has yours”, he said. “ And I just feel so guilty, like I made it much harder for you”.
“ Don’t. I was with you because you made me feel the same way. Happy. Positive”. I got up on one elbow and trailed my fingers across his face.
“ But what about Joaquim? He’s a great guy, Nellie. As much as I hate to think about you with him, I have to admit he’d treat you right”.
“ Joaquim is great”, I agreed. “ He’s sweet, and he’s kind, and I’ve known him all my life. When I think about it, there’s no reason why I couldn’t be happy with him. We’ve got the same friends, our families know each other. It’s like all the ingredients are there, but the recipe is wrong, you know? I don’t feel like I’m walking on air when I’m with him. Like I can tell him all of my secrets. He has no clue I hate spiders, and he’s known me since kindergarten.”