As I became more mindful and calmer, I started to approach conversations with my mum differently. At times she still makes me feel slightly frustrated, but ultimately I know that she cannot really disturb my inner peace unless I allow her to, and that makes it so much easier to communicate. Setting some much-needed boundaries in our relationship really supported me too. The acceptance also really helped me in managing my expectations, because I have realized that she can only give love the way she knows it and not the way I need it or would like it. I have let go of that expectation and therefore don’t feel disappointed – instead I appreciate what she does give in her way. Our relationship is so much more comfortable now and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m less reactive too, but she seems calmer and I feel in moments she even sees me for who I am.”
What is interesting to acknowledge in Catherine’s case is something I see a lot when working with my clients – we are attracted to what is familiar even if it doesn’t really match our values and beliefs any longer. In positive psychology this is called the familiarity principle. What it means in Catherine’s story is that because her mum was controlling and a narcissist, this was familiar to her and she was attracted to a similar situation in her love relationship. The same goes for relationships where someone has grown up with an alcoholic parent or a parent who is abusive; they sometimes end up in similar relationships as adults and it’s often when they, like Catherine, find themselves challenged to breaking point that they seek help and start to realize the wounds or patterns from their childhood that have come forward to be healed so that they can choose differently in the future – choose in a way that is more aligned with what their soul truly yearns for, even if it’s unfamiliar.
As you learn to respect and value yourself more, certain relationships you may have struggled with will become easier to deal with because you simply won’t feel as triggered and you will be able to stay in your power and let them stay in theirs.
“An unhealed person can find offence in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others have absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be.”
Unknown
Let it go!
So once you’ve accepted that you need to look to yourself rather than the person or situation that is causing you difficulty, what tools are available to you? First let’s look at the habit we all have of letting things fester and then I’ll show you two really effective exercises – the Letting Go Meditation and the Cutting the Cord Visualization.
“Love me or hate me, both are in my favour. If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart. If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.” This quote by Shakespeare is so poignant. It really describes perfectly how the things we give attention to fester in our minds. I’m a huge believer that energy follows thought or as James Redfield – author of, in my opinion, the life-changing book The Celestine Prophecy – would say, “Where attention goes, energy flows: Where intention goes, energy flows.”
When we are frustrated or angry with something or someone, it’s easy to go over the issue and keep replaying it in our minds and discuss it with everyone we come into contact with – this means you spend even more of your precious energy on it. What happens in situations like this is that you are actually the one carrying yesterday into today. Even if someone was in the wrong and hurt you, in this moment you are the one carrying it forwards and hurting yourself by stewing on it. After endless reading over the years, I have come to believe these negative thoughts are like poison to the body. They ignite the body’s fight or flight mode and cortisol, which is the biggest stress hormone. Bestselling author Dr Lissa Rankin believes that by “changing your thoughts you can change your health”. Imagine the effect on our health of re-running a negative situation over and over again. You will cause unnecessary harm to your body.
Once we have accepted a situation for what it is, what has happened and our own mistakes or shortcomings, we are ready to reframe and let go of any negative feelings and emotions that may be lingering. I have recorded a special meditation for you (see overleaf) to visualize letting go of whatever has come forward so far that is blocking you in moving forward.
Cutting off energetically as described in the visualization (see pages 89–90) means that even if you still have to spend time with someone or stay in a particular situation, it will no longer drain you of energy. You are now in control and choosing to reframe in a more positive way to suit you. I remember the first time the Life Coach I was working with introduced me to this cord-cutting visualization – it was after a break-up and I felt an immense relief. Now I use it whenever I want to bring my energy back to me and it has helped me become even more aware of relationships and situations that drain me.
YOUR TOOLBOX: LETTING GO MEDITATION
The guided meditation is ready for you at www.zenme.tv/mindtools.
1. Get comfortable and get ready to go on a guided journey.
2. Tune into your breath and let yourself relax a little deeper with each out-breath.
3. Imagine you are floating on a wooden raft down a gently flowing river.
4. Become aware of how the scenery is changing around you as you float, maybe the colors, the people, nature.
5. First imagine the situation, feelings and emotions you are letting go of surrounding you – maybe even notice how that feels.
6. Then imagine as you choose to let them go – float away and leave them in the past. You might just leave them where they were as you float away or imagine them being cleansed in the water beneath you. The surroundings start to change and perhaps you are now feeling lighter from having let them go.
7. Now you are surrounded by your ideal situation – how you would like to feel each day when you wake up, how you imagine yourself in situations and relationships where everything is flowing for you.
8. Allow yourself to float along the river for as long as you need to explore the different surroundings, enjoying this visual reframe and come back and open your eyes when you are ready.
YOUR TOOLBOX: CUTTING THE CORD VISUALIZATION
Sometimes people really affect us energetically – it’s that feeling when you just can’t get them out of your head. Some believe it may be to do with a connection on a soul level, being soulmates, or a connection from a previous life. Whichever it is, it’s a connection that runs deeper than usual and can really shake us up energetically. However deeply your energy has been affected, you can use this exercise at any time you feel drained by someone and want to bring your focus back to you.
1. Sit somewhere where you won’t get disturbed where you can just relax, perhaps putting on a relaxing tune.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Spend a few minutes just observing your breath and allowing your body to relax.
4. Then bring to mind an image or feeling of the person you are having a relationship issue with.
5. Imagine that person standing in front of you and that there is an energetic cord between you. Notice where in the body it’s connected to you and to them.
6. Then imagine your hand doing a karate chop or literally do it with your hand in front of your body.
7. Imagine the cord is cut now and the end nearest you flows back to you and goes within to close that gap and the other parts flow back to the other person, both returning to your own energy, regaining your inner power.
8. Even if it has been a difficult relationship to cut, send them away with gratitude for any lessons you have learnt through this relationship and love and blessings for them to find happiness and peace within. As we all know, that really is what we wish for all human beings to have, in spite of what has happened.
Enjoy the guided version of this meditation I’ve created for you at www.zenme.tv/mindtools.
I have heard a lot of magical things from clients after doing this exercise. Some tell me that they stopped thinking about that person or became less bothered by them. Some found it easier to forgi
ve after cutting the energetic cord, and felt more at peace when that person communicated with them or saw them. Knowing that everything is energy, I believe that the person feels you having pulled away energetically and that you are slipping away and therefore reaches out, even though you aren’t doing it for that reason. It’s fascinating. If the connection is really strong, you may want to repeat this exercise a few times – as many times as you need to until you feel the energetic pull or emotions towards that person lessen.
Forgiveness
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you agree with their actions. It means that you are deciding to accept what is and honour how you are feeling, but that you are choosing to draw a line under it. You are not letting someone off the hook – you are forgiving to set yourself free and so that the resentment and anger can no longer hurt you. Remember you are carrying those negative feelings within you and the other person may have moved on long ago, so at this stage it’s only hurting you and you deserve better. When you don’t forgive, you allow yourself to carry the past into the present and pollute your life over and over again, instead of leaving it where it happened, in the past. This, of course, takes time and only you know if you are ready to leave it behind and choose you.
This is also true for forgiving yourself. It’s extraordinary how hard we are on ourselves and how liberating it feels when we forgive ourselves. Sometimes it’s as simple as forgiving yourself for a decision you made, something you said or maybe time spent in a relationship you knew deep down was not right. It’s time. Let it go and forgive yourself, liberate yourself. You can use the letter of forgiveness exercises below.
“If you are withholding love as a form of punishment, who is being punished?”
Donald L. Hicks
YOUR TOOLBOX: I FORGIVE MYSELF AS I FORGIVE YOU
I’ll never forget the first meditation class I sat in when the teacher said, “Consider if there is anything you need to forgive yourself for.” Lots of things flooded into my mind – I had been so busy forgiving others, I had completely neglected forgiving myself. I think most of us would immediately remember times where we have been hard on ourselves or felt bad about hurting someone else, or felt bad about a failed relationship, or bad about something we may have said in the heat of the moment.
Grab your journal and write a letter of acceptance and forgiveness to yourself for having been hard on yourself. Then write a letter of forgiveness to the person you are having trouble with.
It doesn’t matter how short or long the letters are and you don’t need to send or show them to anyone. They are just for you to clear the issue from your mind and gain a new perspective.
The letter can start as simply as
Dear [your name]
I accept that ………. and I forgive myself for …………
The reason why I choose to forgive myself is because………….
I accept this because it makes me feel ……………
Or
Dear [other person’s name]
I choose to forgive you for ………….
Forgiving you is allowing me to move on and ………….
Carry on in your own words.
“Whenever you’re confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Accepting without judging or comparing
Unfortunately there seems to be a comparison epidemic going on in society and it’s causing a lot of stress and anxiety. People have always compared themselves to their peers – what they are wearing, who they hang out with, their achievements, how much they earn – but somehow social media has exacerbated this comparison. After scrolling through social media, most people are left feeling overwhelmed and “less than”, hugely judging themselves for all the things that are not happening in their life. If you notice yourself starting to feel low and falling into the comparison trap of “I wish that was me”, “I wish I had that kind of relationship, that job, money, body”, STOP immediately and put the phone down or turn off the computer. Make a promise to yourself right now that you will not do this to yourself. This is not being accepting of yourself; this is self-sabotaging behaviour.
If you know it doesn’t feel good to you but you keep doing it, try saying a positive statement to yourself when you feel your mood shift into a downward spiral, such as: “Thank you for showing me what is possible”, or an affirmation such as “I accept myself as I am and I embrace my uniqueness. I have so much to share with the world.” Comparing yourself with someone else does not serve you, so unless it fuels and inspires you to get on with your life and you see it as a way of being reminded if they can have that so can you, then stop looking at it! This goes for checking in with your ex on social media too. If it isn’t fuelling your joy, then stop it!
“Others cannot see our full worth until we honour it fully ourselves.”
YOUR TOOLBOX: LET’S CELEBRATE YOU
A wonderful tool for self-acceptance is to allow yourself to celebrate what makes you YOU! Your uniqueness. I would love for you to list below all that comes to mind when you read the following…
My uniqueness includes being…….
It could be things like creative, funny, loyal, honest, a great listener, a great dancer. Now ask yourself:
If my best friend were to describe me, what would I like her to say?…….…….…….…….…….…….
Practising self-acceptance includes recognizing what you have already accomplished. List below the first 5 things that come to mind that you are proud of yourself for having accomplished:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Some examples might be moving away from home and supporting myself, giving birth, getting a job, being there for my friend when she needed me.
YOUR TOOLBOX: MIRROR EXERCISE
Let’s carry on from the mirror exercise in Chapter 1. If doing this exercise still feels too uncomfortable at the moment, don’t worry. We are going to do more mirror work in the self-love chapter (see pages 122–4) so you can skip it and come back to it. However, I encourage you to try it. What’s the worst that can happen? You will feel the same. What’s the best that can happen? You will start to feel empowered and awesome. Just saying! Are you going to give it a go?
Can you look in the mirror and truly accept who you are, and embrace everything that makes you you? Have a look.
If yes, boom, well done, this rocks.
If not, what resistance are you feeling? What are you not willing to accept and why?
Consider:
• How is not accepting it going to serve you?
• How is accepting it going to serve you?
• What needs to happen if anything for you to accept it?
• Could you choose to accept it now?
Louise Hay is someone who inspired me and my work hugely. If you have never read any of her books, I urge you to do so. She was one inspiring woman when it came to positive affirmations and self-talk. I was aware of the principles and effects of negative self-talk, but hearing Louise Hay speak of the power of affirmations helped me take it to the next level and I will be forever grateful for her work. I will always remember the first time I read the affirmation by her “l love and accept myself fully” – it was so powerful. I look forward to helping you become a master of positive affirmations by the end of this book as we get creative with the affirmations in the next chapter.
“Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”
Lao Tzu
Mind Maintenance
To help you stay with this feeling of self-acceptance, I’d like you to do the following every day for a week:
Meditate: Take a few minutes to connect to your breath by simply saying calm on the in-breath and relax on the out-breath.
Reflect: Start to reflect on the following sentenc
e: I allow myself to observe the situation without judgement so that I can evolve and I am ready to accept what is.
Journal: Bring your thoughts to a place of evaluation. Remember as you write down what came to mind, you don’t need to judge. It is what it is. Doing this exercise every day is helpful because you will slowly, over a few weeks, start to become more aware of your own behaviour and notice things you are not aware you were doing.
Another really important part of self-acceptance is to be kind to yourself, which we will look at in the next chapters. So let’s meet in Self-Love where we are going to practise falling madly and unconditionally in love with ourselves. Sound fun? It is! Let’s go!
3
SELF-LOVE
One thing I know for sure is that it doesn’t matter how successful you are, how much money you are making, how strong you are, whether you are a man or a woman, self-love is for everyone. Loving yourself is not reserved for a select few, but something we all deserve. You, yes you, deserve to be loved. If you feel a void within, if you have been searching outside of yourself for ways to feel love, if you have ever doubted whether you are enough and whether you are loved, it’s time to go to the mind gym. Let’s exercise the love muscle now and create a clear pathway between your mind and your heart.
In this chapter we are going to celebrate YOU. I want you to switch your focus from whoever or whatever has been draining you or upsetting you, and allow yourself to focus fully on how magical and wonderful you are. Think of it like that moment on an aeroplane when the aircrew tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before attending to your child. It feels selfish, but it makes total sense – you can’t help anyone if you are dead! It is time to ignite the love within you, fill up your love cup and let it overflow – there will be so much love, you’ll be able to spread it far and wide. The way you love yourself affects all aspects of your life, not just romantic relationships. It can affect your friendships, your career, your body image. The need to search for validation outside of yourself and settling for less then you actually want all changes when you truly love yourself.
It's Not You, It's Me Page 8