He let out a slow, measured breath. His heart stomped and kicked with the fury of a sugar-loaded two-year-old, and a cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck, but beneath it all was an unfamiliar calm. As if her presence beside him had somehow muted the pain and disappointment of his past enough to loosen his restraints and draw his first full breath in years.
Relaxing his head against the pillow, her silky hair tickled his nose. Funny. Normally, he hated that sensation. Wanted to bat the offensive strands away the same as he would if he walked into a man-sized spider web. This time he nuzzled closer, inhaling her scent and the peace that went with it.
Faint sunlight seeped from behind the closed blinds, a soft buttery glow reserved for early sunrise. It took a good minute, but his heart settled into a steady rhythm. Too bad his mind couldn’t follow suit. While his body relaxed into hers, his thoughts did their best Indy 500 imitation, lapping round and round until the room spun. Intimacy with a woman outside of sex was a bad idea. A single hollow-point bullet loaded in an otherwise empty revolver just waiting to hit pay dirt. With Darya? Yeah, he might as well load up both barrels on a sawed off shotgun and open fire.
The smart move would be to pull away. To leave a note or do something nice for her so he felt like less of a selfish ass then high-tail it to neutral territory before she woke up.
He splayed his hand against her belly instead and let his eyes slip closed. Only one other time in his life he’d felt this.
Once.
Reflexively, his arms tightened around Darya, spurring a deep inhalation and a peaceful sigh.
No, he couldn’t do this. Couldn’t risk it. No matter how good it felt. No matter how natural. He pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, savoring the soft skin beneath his lips for dangerous seconds before he untangled himself from her warm and welcoming body and slid from between the sheets. He dressed quickly, the ease and well-practiced silence behind the routine grating mercilessly against his conscience. God, he was so screwed. Just being in the office with her was hard enough to keep his balance, let alone sleeping with her. And calling anyone else? Yeah, that idea wasn’t tracking. His brain and his body wanted the sweet Russian she-wolf curled up in the bed.
Never in his life had he seen anything so beautiful as the sight in front of him. Darya asleep on her bloodred sheets with her blonde hair trailing out behind her beat any landscape or classic masterpiece, hands down. Hell, the seven wonders of the world had nothing on her.
Beckett would call him a coward for leaving without waking her. Without giving her respect.
And Beckett would be right, you dumbass.
He paused long enough to brace himself, prowled to her side of the bed and sat beside her hip. Soft so he didn’t jar her out of her peaceful sleep, he smoothed a wayward chunk of hair away from her face. “Hey.”
Her eyelids fluttered open, disoriented at first then quickly sharpening on him. She took in his clothes, twisted to scan the room behind her and then settled back on her side. “What time is it?”
Hell if he knew. Although, the fact that he’d gone about his early-morning freak-out without so much as a glance at his phone said how close his past’s demons were to taking a chunk out of his ass. “Early.”
He cupped the back of her neck. So many women he’d shared this particular space with, but only one of them made it hard to leave. He traced her jawline with his thumb. “I need to go.”
She nodded. Her lips didn’t move but her eyes said plenty, not one scrap of accusation or hurt behind them. If anything, they shone with understanding. Maybe even sympathy.
Man, this woman deserved so much more than him. And he owed her huge. If not for the sleep, then for the gift just waking up next to her had been. “I don’t want you to think you don’t matter. That what we did—last night or anything else—is just some random hookup. I just... I can’t—”
“I know.” Soft. Simple. No explanation needed.
He leaned in, knowing the second his trajectory registered what a monumentally horrid idea it was, and chucked his rules out the window anyway. His lips melded with hers. Easy. Lingering. More than anything, he wanted to lick between hers and wake her up differently. To take his time and show her the side to himself he kept hidden.
He pulled away instead and stood, locking his focus on her palm pressed against the sheets rather than the hunger in her bright blue gaze. “You don’t have to come in today if you don’t want to.”
“I want to.”
He looked. He couldn’t have stopped it if he tried. No more than he could have stopped the words that slipped past his lips. “I want you to, too.”
Chapter Twenty
Four days he’d made it. Four long, grueling days Knox had kept his shit centered and his hands off Darya. His focus shifted off the suspicious log entry on his main screen to the server room security feed on his left and gritted his teeth so hard a sharp twinge pierced the spot where his jaw hinged. Vance was a good kid. One of the best server guys he’d ever hired.
But if he didn’t stop touching Darya soon, he was gonna be minus both arms.
His office door clicked open and Beckett’s heavy footsteps lumbered in. “Hey, man. Jace and Axel called. The rest of the guys are hangin’ at Crossroads tonight. You wanna go?”
Shifting his gaze back to the task at hand, Knox punched in the IP address listed in the most recent hit against their mail server. “Not sure. Got someone who’s started pinging our servers last night.”
“Brother, the last thing I’m worried about is anyone getting past your traps.” He pulled out a chair and made himself right at home. “And what’s with the shit mood anyway?”
“I’m not in a shit mood.”
“Uh, yeah. You are.”
“Nope. I’m good.” Fuck. Now he wasn’t just lying to himself, he was lying to Beckett, too. “Just wanna know who’s knocking so I can shut ’em down.”
“Thought you said those honeypots and triggers you set up blocked ’em automatically.”
“They do. Usually.” Except the number of attempts had been twice as high in the last twenty-four hours, which made him itchy.
“Good, then finish up your cyber God routine this afternoon, and we’ll meet back at our place after close. Danny’s gonna meet up with us, too. It’s Friday. Time to work out the kinks.”
Movement in the server room feed caught his attention, and he caught the backside of Vance following Darya out the door. She’d work late. He’d bet last year’s earnings on it. But then Vance probably would, too. And what the fuck was she doing hanging around with Vance anyway? The last time he’d checked in with Katy, Darya had been knee-deep in some low-priority code defects.
Beckett’s deep voice boomed a little louder. “Yo. Earth to space cadet.”
Goddamn it. Hell of a time for him to get caught eyeballing Darya. Though, Beckett was a little out of his direct line of sight. Maybe he hadn’t caught the slip. “I don’t know. Let me see how this goes for the next few hours and I’ll let you know.”
“You’ll let me know.” Beckett’s deadpan mimic had more than a little sarcasm to it. He rested one forearm on the edge of Knox’s desk and drummed his thumb against the chrome surface. “The only time in the last six years you’ve ditched your brothers when you didn’t already have something to do was when three servers went down and you felt bad about letting Vance fly solo.”
“So?”
“So, I wanna know what’s wrong.”
Knox slid his hands away from the keyboard, let his eyes slip closed and rolled his shoulders to work out the tension in his neck. He loved Beckett. Loved all his brothers. But right now, he needed time alone to make sure his emotional game was packed up good and tight. Not to mention, the usual pickup routine they’d all expect of him at Crossroads gave him the scratch. He swiveled his chair to Beckett and
met his heavy stare head on. “I told you. Someone hits us this many times in one day, I want to know who’s behind it.”
“Bullshit. Someone hands you a puzzle, you get a boner. Not stressed out or pissed. And, brother, I’m very aware you’ve been one or the other all week, so what’s really eating your lunch? You not sleeping?”
“No less than normal. Got a solid eight a few nights ago.”
Beckett grinned and snickered the same way he had when they’d scored their first Playboy. “That the same night you disappeared over at Darya’s place?”
Motherfucker. “You tracked me?”
“Why the hell not? The beauty of GPS and all that, right? Besides, you do that shit to us all the damned time. Don’t get your panties in a wad when we return the favor.” He shrugged, reclined in his chair and kicked one foot up on the edge of Knox’s desk. “Get pissed if you want, but you weren’t answering your phone. Just wanted to make sure you were someplace safe.”
Tucked up next to Darya and sleeping like a damned baby, yes, but safe? Yeah, that was debatable. He still hadn’t been able to shake how good waking up next to her felt. “Yeah, Mom. I even made sure to double check the windows and doors.” He was just about to tack on a smart remark about missing his blankey when voices sounded in the hallway.
Darya’s voice. That animated tone she used that made everyone feel like they were the center of the universe, tinged with her sweet accent. The only thing he hated was Vance’s goofy laugh wrapped around it.
They walked past a second later, both casting surprised glances at Beckett and Knox. A reasonable response considering Knox never left his door open unless he knew someone was coming.
“Hey, boss!” Vance waved and shoved his thick black glasses back up on his nose. Why the guy never got around to sizing the things right, Knox couldn’t figure. “I’m taking JJ over to Wing Bucket. You guys want anything?”
Bigger than Dallas, the memory of Darya licking her fingertips when she’d helped herself to a plateful of ribs at the Bikes and Blues rally hit him out of nowhere. So not an image he needed to remember right now. Especially knowing Vance would be eyeballing the same thing if she got a serving of wings. “Nah, I’m good.” He shifted his gaze to Darya. Hell, maybe he should go out with Beck and the guys. God knew he’d be up to no good hanging here with her. “Don’t let him talk you into the 19th Sauce.”
She smiled and, swear to Christ, he felt it everywhere. Like she’d somehow reached inside him and unhinged all his tension. “Okay.” She shifted her attention to Beckett and waved, but he’d swear the lost connection hurt her as much as it did Knox. “See you later.”
“Yeah, JJ,” Beck answered back, easily using the identity they’d all agreed she’d be wise to keep in public. He chin-lifted to Vance. “Take care of our girl.”
The metal door latched hard behind them, the brutal sound echoing up and down the hallway with way too much finality.
Knox spun back to this keyboard just in time to watch Vance usher Darya to his white Jeep Wrangler.
“So that’s it.” Beckett’s statement was packed with a whole lot of aha and even more gotcha.
That was okay. Knox was used to Beckett sniffing and could play shit off with the best of them. “What’s it?”
“Why you’re in a shit mood.”
He glanced over his shoulder at Beckett and feigned an incredulous expression. “At Vance?” He scoffed for good measure and put eyes back to this work. “No way.”
“Not at Vance. At Darya with Vance.”
Knox shook his head, all too aware that if Beck got a straight-line view of his face, he’d see the glare aimed at his computer screens. “It’s not like that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
In one smooth move that shouldn’t be possible for a guy with Beckett’s kind of bulk, he dropped his foot, sat up and crossed his forearms on Knox’s desk. “You sure? ’Cause you were sporting the same nasty look yesterday when you walked in and found me and Darya sparring in the workout room.”
Yep, that had pissed him off. Especially when Beckett had thought it’d be a good idea to spend extra time teaching her how to break out of a choke hold—an exercise that had put him up against her way too damned long.
“Come to think of it,” Beckett said, “Danny got the same look Wednesday afternoon when you busted her hoppin’ off the back of his bike.”
That hadn’t pissed him off. He’d just been jealous as hell. At least Danny didn’t paw her nonstop. “No harm in her makin’ friends with my family.”
“Nope. Though I gotta wonder why she doesn’t show the same affection for you that she does with everyone else. The way I figure it, you’re either a horrible fuck and she doesn’t want to encourage you, or you drew an ironclad boundary and told her to keep her hands off outside of sex.”
“Stop diggin’, brother.”
“Who says I’m digging? Maybe I’m just thinkin’ out loud.”
“Well, think with your mouth shut.”
Silence boomeranged back at him, but Beckett’s stare pressed as steady as a gun muzzle at his temple.
He opened a new command screen and started typing. “Don’t you have something to do?”
When Beckett spoke, his tone had taken on a whole new range. The one saved for when he was either scared shitless or focused on something that meant the world to him. Considering Beckett had been afraid maybe twice in his whole life, it had to be door number two. “Nothing more important than me figuring out how to get my brother to pull his head out of his ass and see what everyone else in his family saw inside of ten minutes.”
All the frustration Knox had buried lunged to the surface and he spun fast enough Beckett actually flinched. “What? That she’s great? Yeah, I get that, too. But you know where my head’s at with relationships.”
“Yeah. I do. Like I said, your head’s stuck up your ass. And worse, you’re an idiot to boot, because you’re so wound up in those bullshit rules you hold yourself to, you don’t see the way she looks at you when you’re not looking.”
“I’m her boss, that’s it.”
Beckett snapped closer, his face heating with a rare display of anger and nearly going nose to nose. “She doesn’t look at you like you’re her boss. She looks at you like you’re the goddamn holy grail.”
Knox jerked his head back, the reality of Beckett’s statement as potent as a bitch slap. Surely she didn’t feel the same way he did. She couldn’t. If she did, then that meant...hell, he didn’t want to think about what that meant.
Beckett huffed out an ironic chuckle and shook his head, all the tension that had ridden his big body seeping out in one rush. “Jesus, you really are an idiot. Knox, you need to listen and listen good. Fate, the universe or God almighty is raining all kinds of goodness on you, and you’re so fucking whacked out by your past, you’re throwing it away with both hands.”
He stood, pushed his chair back where he’d found it then leaned in close. When he spoke, his voice was serious as death. “Do yourself and her a favor. Wake. The fuck. Up.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“Hey, JJ.” Vance poked his head around the corner to Darya’s office, his customary open smile firmly in place and a few chunks of his tidy short brown hair askew at the front. “Me and some friends are gonna hang out at my place and do a movie marathon. You wanna come?”
He was such a nice guy. Everyone in Knox and Beckett’s office was the same way. Friendly and willing to do whatever they needed to give you a leg up. Though, Vance had gone above and beyond. Enough so Darya was starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be smart to work a few days remote, even if that meant going without seeing Knox.
God, just thinking about not seeing him wrecked her. Doused the determination and drive she’d vowed to tackle life with since the day she’d watche
d her mother walk away that last time. This wasn’t healthy. Not for her or for Knox. The sheer pain on his face every time she looked at him sent tiny fractures splintering through her heart. Not touching him—not pulling him into her arms and holding him close—was killing her.
She gave Vance what she hoped at least looked like a genuine smile. A hard thing to do when her insides felt as though they weighed twice her body weight. “Thank you for asking, but I think I need tonight to recuperate from this week.” And get her mind together. To find her courage and face the truth about her and Knox.
No matter what she’d hoped for, the odds of him changing were slim. He’d told her as much from the start. Had been brutally honest. Now she owed it to herself and her future to be honest with herself. Three people had already given of themselves at great risk and pain to offer her a better life. No matter how good—how electric and precious each moment with Knox felt—she couldn’t waste their gift on a man who wasn’t open to giving her everything.
Vance cocked his head and his smile shifted to a flirtish quirk, giving her a peek to the man beneath the thick glasses and the nonstop work ethic. His brown eyes sparkled with playful orneriness. “You sure? You’d like my friends. No pressure. We’ll just hang out. Relax.” He paused a second and when he spoke again his voice was just a fraction lower. “Whatever you want.”
Oh, yes. She definitely needed to recalibrate with Vance and quickly. It was hard enough keeping her emotions in check with Knox plaguing her every thought. Adding guilt on top of the thick longing she barely kept at bay would break her.
Before she could politely reiterate her refusal, Knox’s voice rumbled low from behind Vance. “She said no.” It wasn’t a threat. Not exactly. But it brooked no argument.
And it felt like a claim. A physical possession without boundaries that marked every inch of her from the inside out.
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