I slammed my door shut, threw my purse into the passenger seat and buried my face in my hands and let it all out. The final nail had been hammered in. I wasn't pregnant. I had slept with my best friend at first in hopes of becoming a mother, and it had been all for nothing. Instead, I had fallen in love with him and couldn't even tell him. I didn't even have him to hold me through all this heartache, because that was what it was, pure and total heartache. I felt as if a part of me had died and that no amount of time would fix me.
I had taken my time after my appointment to drive back to the office. It was now a little after seven, and I sat in my office with my door closed. I had struggled my way through the last appointment of the day that had been waiting for me when I had gotten back. My work day was over and now I sat with a hot cup of chamomile tea trying hard to concentrate enough to be able to go over the client file for my appointment tomorrow morning. All I really wanted was to go home and curl up in bed, put the heating pad on, and zone out in front of the TV.
I looked to my cell phone that sat on the corner of my desk, the little blinking red light reminding me that I still hadn't contacted Chase after I received the news. I really didn't have any desire to talk to him or anyone. I reached for a scrap piece of paper to make a quick note when I heard a loud, deep voice out in the hall. As the voice crept closer and my anxiety built, I was about to get up and see what was going on when my door opened and Chase strode in, Marie following behind him.
"Sir, I can't let you interrupt her...I told you, she asked for privacy. I'm sorry, Sophie, he came barging in and wouldn't stop, even after I told him you weren't taking any more clients tonight. I didn't mean to have him interrupt you. I know you said you wanted not to be bothered."
I looked into Chase’s blue eyes and instantly felt a fire deep in the pit of my stomach. I glanced to Marie who stood there ringing her hands. "It's fine, Marie." I smiled weakly. I met his blue eyes again and sat back down behind my desk. Marie nodded and pulled the door closed behind her, leaving us alone.
"What the hell? Is she your own private security or something?" Chase chuckled.
"Chase, I had asked not to be bothered. She was simply doing her job," I bit out, closing the file on my desk and shutting down my laptop, then shoving both into the bag that sat at my feet.
"Do you have a minute?"
"Not really. I need to get home and get this work completed. I have an early morning tomorrow, and I am really very unprepared for it." I grabbed my coat and threw it around my shoulders.
"Listen, just give me a minute. I sent you a message today, and you didn't respond, but I've been thinking. I want to be a part of this pregnancy. I want to help you in whatever way you need. I know I said I didn't, but I do. I want to help you decorate the nursery, buy supplies, change diapers, and have my allotment of baby time."
I looked into his blue eyes, which were now filled with so much hope, want, and excitement that I didn't know what to say. It was enough that I was crushed, but now to have to face that crushing look in his eyes, an indescribable feeling came over me. I had no words. Nothing I could say would make it less painful, so instead I just stood there staring back at him.
"I want to be there for the next doctor appointment, for all the appointments, especially the ultrasound. I want to be there to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I just need you to tell me when and where to be, and I'll make it happen. I want to be there for all the firsts. I want to be there for you when you deliver, when you go home. I want to be there to see his or her first steps." He pulled his phone from his pocket and flipped until he found what he was looking for. "First, we will start with the next appointment. Tell me when and where." When I didn't say anything to that, he looked up and met my eyes.
"Why the sad face? I thought you would be happy to have some sort of support system. Some help..."
I let out a sigh. "I would be grateful for the support system, but it doesn't matter, Chase." Those were the only words I could get out. I swallowed hard, continuing to pack my bag so that I could avoid what I knew was coming, what I knew had to come. I had to tell him, but honestly, I didn't even know how.
"Sure it does. Why would you say that?" He set his phone on the desk and approached me. He placed his hands on my arms, stopping me from what I was doing. He placed his finger under my chin and raised my head so he could look into my eyes.
The longer he looked into my eyes, the more my eyes burned, and I tried so hard to muster up the courage not to cry, but as soon as I blinked, a tear slipped from the corner, giving me away. "It doesn't matter, because there isn't a baby. It didn't work. I'm not pregnant."
I could see the stunned look in Chase's eyes, and then I slowly felt his hands slip down my arms as the words hit him full force. "But...that's impossible."
"But nothing. It's not impossible. There is no baby. So you're off the hook. You don't need to pretend to want to be here for me, Chase. You don't need a baby. You’re a hot, single guy with your life in front of you. My little experiment, all the planning, didn't work, so things will go back to the way they were. You can go back to dating all those gorgeous women, and I will go back to my boring old life of lonely weekends, taxes, and the occasional shitty date. Thank you for trying. I've got to go though."
I turned away from his stare, zipped my bag closed, picked up my purse, and left my office, leaving Chase standing there against my desk. There was nothing more to say. I didn't look back. I couldn't. I didn't want to see the joy of him being off the hook, and I didn't want him to know any more than he already did that I was completely crushed.
I took my time walking down the hall and into the lobby where Marie sat. I approached her desk and stopped to hand her a few important documents. "Can you please make sure these get faxed tonight before you leave, and just so you know, Chase is still in my office. He is welcome to stay as long as he needs. Just let him have some time okay."
"Sure thing, Sophie. Have a good night, and I will see you tomorrow."
"You as well."
I drove slowly on my way home, a drive that would normally take me ten minutes taking me twenty. I had never been so happy to walk into the quietness of my condo. Not caring, I left a trail of my belongings all over the floor and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. My heart had been heavy and my head hurt, and now I felt worse because I had walked out on Chase, but I hadn't had a choice. I didn't even know how to handle what I was feeling. I took my water, shut off the light, and made my way to my bedroom.
I shut my bedroom door, turned on the heated mattress pad so it could warm up, and put the TV on. I washed my face, tied my hair back into a messy ponytail, and changed into my favorite flannel pajama pants and T-shirt. I pulled the large blinds across the floor-to-ceiling windows, something I never did, and pulled the duvet down and crawled into bed. I fell into the large pile of pillows and pulled an extra one into my body. As I inhaled, all I could smell was Chase. The longer I lay there inhaling his scent, the longer I had to hold onto the sob that was threatening to escape my throat.
When my chest felt like it was going to explode, I finally succumbed, and a loud sob escaped me, echoing through the room. I held onto that pillow, inhaling his scent, and cried, wishing that Chase's arms were wrapped around me, trying to comfort me. I not only cried for the loss of something that could have been but for the loss of Chase as well, because no matter what, I couldn't have him as a lover or a friend. That was when the full realization hit me. I had lost both him and a baby this afternoon.
20
Chase
I drove around the city aimlessly for three hours, after I had left the quietness of Sophie's office. I'd waited at least a half hour after she had left before I got behind the wheel of my car. I was now down at the waterfront.
I shut the engine off and began walking through the park back to the spot where Sophie and I had shared our second first kiss only a few weeks earlier. I sat down on an empty bench and looked out over the water. Memories f
lashed through my mind. I smiled at the memory of the look on her face as our lips had parted the first time.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, pulling me out of my memories. I checked my messages to see that my brothers were waiting for me at our normal restaurant location. I was about to message them to let them know I wasn't coming but decided getting out with them would do me good. I needed to pull myself out of this funk.
Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of Wings and Things. I immediately saw that all of my brothers’ vehicles were parked. I cut the engine and checked my phone once again for any message from Sophie. I was hoping for anything, a hello, fuck you, die bastard die, whatever she wanted to send, but there was nothing.
I removed my seatbelt and shoved my phone back into my jacket pocket. Walking into the restaurant I was greeted with an onslaught of waving women, most of whom I had slept with at one time or another over the years. We apparently needed to change up our location, I thought to myself, but I was polite, greeted them, even making small talk with some. I approached the bar, ordered a beer, and made my way back to where my brothers were waiting.
I slid into the booth beside Hunter and shoved my face into the menu that sat waiting for me. Carly dropped a beer in front of me, flashing me one of her smiles. When I didn't make eye contact and only mumbled a thank you, she walked away with a look of disappointment.
"What the fuck is up with you?" Bryce questioned, looking between Carter and Hunter.
"Nothing?"
"Nothing? What the fuck? Four months ago you and Carly were all over one another. You'd take her home, screw her brains out, and now you barely acknowledge her?" Bryce seemed a little pissed off and picked up his beer and took a swig.
"Mom would be so disappointed with you," Hunter said facetiously, trying to get under my skin. I knew he was doing it on purpose, since he was the only one who I'd really confided in, yet he still didn't know the outcome.
I did my best to ignore them, letting them carry on with whatever conversation they had been in the middle of before I'd arrived. I wasn't really all that hungry, and I finally shut the menu, downed the remainder of my beer, and was well into my second one before I heard my name mentioned.
I looked to Carter who sat there staring at me. "You sure you're all right?"
I nodded, downed the remainder of my second beer, and signaled for another one.
"Jesus, you should slow down there, bro. You have a car to drive home," Carter said, nodding towards the empty beer bottle.
Hunter turned to look at me. "Did you finally hear anything?"
I nodded. For the past couple of weeks, I had let my brothers believe that everything was back to normal with me and that I was back to my old dating ways. I had made up dates with numerous women to avoid our nights out. I'd made up stories of the girls I had taken home, but the truth was that, since I had left Sophie's apartment that Monday morning a few weeks ago, I hadn't been able to look at another woman, because the only one that was on my mind was Sophie. I'd spent my nights at home, watching movies, texting or chatting with Sophie on the phone, even spending one more night in her bed, but now I feared my lies were about to surface, because telling them all one thing via text was different than sitting in front of them.
"Well? Is she pregnant? Did you fulfill her need? Did your super sperm win?" Hunter and Carter chuckled at Bryce's insinuation. I, on the other hand, did not.
"When is the big day? With any luck, Mia will be expecting at the same time," Bryce said.
"What big day?" I asked, picking at the label on my beer.
"Really, Chase? You have to ask? When is the due date?"
I let out a deep breath, continuing to pick at the already mangled label on my beer bottle. I could feel them watching me as I sat there trying to decide to tell them. "All right, let me level with you guys. There is no baby. She isn’t pregnant, and honestly, I'm devastated."
The silence at the table was deafening. I watched them as they looked between one another, not really sure what they should or could say. "Don't you guys have anything to say at all?" I asked.
"Why are you so devastated? I mean, you made her sign the contract, remember?" Hunter said quietly.
"I remember," I said, flinching at the memory.
"We're a little lost here, Chase," Bryce said, setting his bottle down and looking at the others. “You wanted nothing to do with everything after the deed was done. Your words, bro.”
"Look, I haven't exactly been truthful with you guys.” I looked to my three brothers. “I haven't been with a woman since Sophie. There have been no dates. I've been hanging out at home watching TV, playing video games, and talking or texting with Sophie. So when I've told you I couldn't do something because I had a date, I was lying."
The three of them exchanged a knowing glance, then looked back at me. "So, you want her because of the baby?" Hunter questioned.
"No. I want her no matter what. I can't get her out of my fucking mind. She's everything. Everything about her is fucking amazing."
There was the truth. It had finally moved past my lips and was now out in the open. I felt a ton of weight lifted from my shoulders for finally speaking the actual truth. I'd had a taste of her, and I didn't want to be without her, regardless of a baby. I wanted Sophie.
"Have you told her?" Carter questioned.
I shook my head. "Look, I saw the look in her eyes, that look of disappointment. I saw the look, and I know what that look means. She wants nothing more to do with me."
"Yeah, well, you don't know that until you tell her how you feel. Give her a chance to respond to your feelings."
All through dinner, I listened to each of my brothers do their best to convince me that I should talk with her and share my feelings. I also came up with every single excuse that I could think of as to why this was a very bad idea. Although, no matter what my excuses, they combated them with a reason why I was just being a coward. At the end of the night, accepting what I’d been telling myself, I’d come to the conclusion that there was no way I could tell her. I sat in the parking lot and watched as each of my brothers left.
I sat in my car, alone, rethinking each of their advice while I waited for the engine to warm, my mind constantly racing back to her face this afternoon as she stood there telling me that there was no baby. I looked at the clock; it was close to midnight. I knew she would still be up. At least I hoped she would be as I put my car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot. My brothers were right; I would regret not telling her how I felt for the rest of my life, and living with that would be harder than coming clean and telling her how I felt.
I drove through the city thinking of what I was going to say to her when I finally saw her. Should I just swoop in, grab her in my arms, kiss her, and confess everything? I stood in the elevator of her building tapping my foot impatiently as I was lifted to her floor. I ran down the hall and stopped outside of her door, then I inhaled deeply and banged on it. I wasn't going to give her the chance not to answer. I banged again, and finally the door was abruptly opened and a red-nosed, tear-stained face stood before me.
"Chase? What on earth?"
I pushed my way into her apartment, grabbing her and pulling her into me. "You, you're what I want." I pressed my lips to hers and pulled away. "Marry me?"
"Chase." She pushed her hands on my chest, trying to push me away. "Let me go."
"Not until you promise me you'll marry me."
"Let go of me!" she barked, finally pushing me hard enough that I stumbled. "You’ve been drinking! I don’t want you to only want me when you are drunk. I want you to want me sober."
"I’ve had a couple beers, but I'm not drunk."
"You are. I can taste it on you."
"Sophie, I'm not. Fuck, I love you." Sure, I'd probably had too much to drink. I probably shouldn't have driven, and this was far from my smoothest performance to date, but what I was saying was the truth. It was how I felt.
"I can't do this, Chase. Ple
ase." Her hand covered her mouth and a tear escaped her eye. "Please, just go."
She turned away from me, and her shoulders started to shake. I reached out to her to pull her into my arms to comfort her, but she was too quick and stepped out of my reach. I wanted her. I wanted her so damn bad, and I stepped forward and placed my hand on her arm, but she ripped herself away from me.
"I told you to go."
I didn't say anything. I just stood there looking at her. Looking at the curves I wished to touch, the hair I longed to run my fingers through, and the body I wished to hold and worship while she lay beneath me. I had committed those feelings to memory. I’d committed those memories to mine. There was no winning. She wasn’t going to change her mind, so, without a word, I walked out of her condo, shutting the door behind me. Behind us.
21
Sophie - 5 months later
It was cold and blustery out. I glanced out my office window to see the mess of snow falling. I dug into my dish of Moo Shu Pork that Jenna had so kindly brought to me. She sat across from me rooting through her purse for her dental floss, finally finding the little blue container.
"I should have had you bring me two of these—one for now and one for tomorrow night." I giggled.
"I have no problem doing this again tomorrow night. I'll even grab two of those to-die-for cinnamon rolls from Aroma Mocha," Sophie said as she shoved the remainder of her egg roll in her mouth.
"Well that sounds like a date that I’m not going to pass up!"
"Have you heard from..."
I was about to hold my hand up to stop her from asking when Carol popped her head into my office.
Finding Forever with You (The Malone Brothers Book 4) Page 11