The smile faded and he brought himself into an upright position. An unfamiliar crawling sensation coiled in his belly and it took him a second to realize it was shame. Not that he would admit to it.
“We all took Percy in,” she continued. “We were there for him. You’ve got Sam and Kenny tutoring him so he can get his GED. We all care and now he’s gone. Worse, he won’t say what happened.”
“Then how do you know it was me?”
She rolled her eyes. “Seriously? That’s your defense? Dammit, Jack, you can’t act like this.”
“Why not?” He rose and glared at her, fighting an anger that surprised him with its intensity. “You care. Kenny cares. Sam cares. Great. I don’t. Percy was one more problem Larissa dumped at my feet. I did what I could and now he’s gone.”
“I don’t accept that,” she snapped. “You can tell the rest of the world you don’t give a shit, but I know differently.”
“You don’t know as much as you think you know. Too many people want too much. You’re all dragging me down. Percy was dead weight.”
He had no idea where the words were coming from, but he couldn’t stop them. He narrowed his gaze.
“You may not like the truth,” he continued, “but that doesn’t change it. I’m the guy who writes a check.”
“There’s more to you than that,” she said firmly.
“You think? I can prove it. I don’t care that Percy’s gone. As for you, I’m not interested in being in your wedding. You have enough people helping you play princess.”
Taryn’s face went white. She sucked in a breath, but didn’t speak. Just as well, because he was already walking out the door.
* * *
LARISSA PAUSED IN the center of town. The decorations were up for the Fall Festival the following weekend. Normally she loved seeing the process of “dressing” the storefronts and streetlights. But today seeing it all didn’t seem to be helping. Everything was wrong and she didn’t know how to make it right. In a matter of a couple of days, her whole world was upside down.
Percy was still gone. He’d gotten a job working for Josh Golden at the cycling school. He was learning how to repair the bikes and keep them ready for the rental side of the business. He said the halfway house was a good place to be and Kenny and Sam swore he was still coming in for his tutoring sessions.
But it wasn’t the same, she thought sadly. Percy wasn’t a part of her day-to-day life. She didn’t see him as much. Which, she realized, made it all about her. What was far more important was what had happened between Percy and Jack. Because that had been the beginning of the trouble.
She hadn’t seen Jack since Tuesday. He hadn’t been in the office and Taryn wasn’t talking and from what she could tell, Kenny and Sam were genuinely clueless.
The two remaining chiweenies with Jack were still being walked by volunteers and none of them claimed to have seen him. What really had her worried was he wasn’t taking her calls. Jack always took her calls. Two years ago, he’d answered her call while having sex with one of his bimbos. But now he wouldn’t talk to her? What was going on?
Her cell phone rang. She grabbed it and pushed the button.
“Hello? Jack?”
“Uh, no. This is Martin Guley. I got your name from a mutual friend. I work for an animal shelter in Sacramento and we have an unusual situation. A family took in a mountain lion as a cub. Now she’s grown to the point where they can’t keep her and I was told you might be able to help. We only need a home for her until we can figure out what to do. So a few weeks at best. She’s friendly, but she can be a little rough on the furniture.”
Larissa’s first instinct was to say of course she could help with the mountain lion. Jack’s place was plenty big. Only she’d been forced to admit that maybe she was guilty of hiding behind her causes. She couldn’t rescue the world. Her time would be far better spent trying to make her little piece of it better.
“Martin, I’m afraid I can’t take in a mountain lion right now. However, I do have the names of several large-cat rescue facilities. They’ll have the space and the resources to help. I’m on my way home right now. I’ll email you the contact info within the hour.”
“Thanks so much,” Martin said gratefully. “I’m new to the shelter and I didn’t know what to do.”
“Not a problem.”
She hung up and started walking toward her apartment. She would get Martin the information he needed, then get a couple of cat cuddles from Dyna to heal her restless heart. But after that, she didn’t have a plan...except maybe to confront Jack and get to the bottom of what on earth was going on.
* * *
LARISSA LET HERSELF into Jack’s house around four that afternoon. “It’s me,” she called as she closed the front door behind her.
The last two chiweenies came running to greet her. She petted them both, then walked into the large living room.
“Jack?”
“I’m here.”
He was sitting on the sofa. His hair was a mess and he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days, which made her wonder if he’d showered. He wore a worn T-shirt over jeans. His feet were bare. One of his dress shirts lay in tatters on the carpet by the coffee table. It had obviously been sacrificed to the chiweenies. More troubling was the bottle of Scotch in front of him and the half-empty glass next to it.
She bit her lower lip. Jack wasn’t one to drink alone and certainly not in the middle of the day. Something was very, very wrong.
She crossed to the sofa and sat angled toward him. He didn’t bother looking at her. Instead, he stared straight ahead, but with purpose. As if there was something going on that only he could see.
“Jack,” she said softly. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me. You just disappeared the other day. You’re not taking my calls. Taryn’s upset so I know something happened with her. Plus, Percy’s gone.”
He picked up the glass and swallowed the contents. “Damn fool kid.”
He turned to look at her. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. She wanted to pull him close and let her love heal him. Instead, she stayed where she was and let him tell her whatever it was he had to say.
“Where is he?” Jack asked.
“A halfway house. He got a job with Josh Golden, at the cycling school, and he’s still studying with Kenny and Sam.”
“They’re good men. They won’t screw up.”
“You didn’t screw up.”
One eyebrow rose. “You can’t defend me because you don’t know what happened.” He poured another drink. “Because it’s all my fault, Larissa. I destroyed it all.” He picked up the glass. “You know what? I turned down the job.”
Was he drunk? He sure wasn’t making any sense.
“What job?”
“For the football program. Like I know anything about how to do it.”
She clasped her hands together. “Jack, you would have been so good with the players.”
“Would I?” His dark gaze settled on her face. “Yeah, I don’t think so. Because I’m the reason Percy left. At the tournament Jonny Blaze asked if he was my kid. He said we had the same eyes.”
“You’re pretty young to be his father,” she said.
“That’s not the point.” Jack’s voice was angry. “I don’t want that kid. Any kid. I would be a lousy father.”
“No, you wouldn’t. You would do a great job.”
“You’re blind. I told him that Percy wasn’t mine. That he was a problem that wouldn’t go away.”
Larissa felt her eyes widen. “Jack,” she began.
He cut her off with a shake of his head. “I didn’t mean it, or maybe I did. Hell if I know anything anymore. Percy heard. That’s why he left. Nobody wants to be charity, Larissa. People don’t want to be saved, they want to bel
ieve they can save themselves.”
She considered what he’d just said. “Have you talked to him? If you explain it was an accident and you’re sorry, then he’ll come back.”
“He’s not coming back,” Jack told her. “And I don’t want him to. He needed too much. I’m not getting involved. I write the checks, you do the rest of it.”
“Jack, no.”
“Face it. I’m the sales guy. I’m into flash. I tell the customers what they want and Taryn takes care of the rest. It’s better that way. That’s what I told President Newham and the mayor. Thanks but no thanks. I’m not your guy.”
This was a side of Jack she hadn’t seen before. Coldly cynical and almost mean.
“No,” she said firmly. “You’re wrong. You’re more than a sales guy. You love what you do. As for coaching, you should really think about it. It would fill your soul.”
He laughed and took a drink. “My soul is plenty full.”
“You have to give back,” she persisted. “It’s the law of the jungle. You have more so you have to give more.”
He gave her a withering look. “That’s not the law of the jungle. I believe what you’re searching for is kill or be killed. I’m taking the easy way out, Larissa. I always have. Why can’t you see that?”
What she saw was how much he hated himself right now. He felt pressured by the job offer and he’d reacted badly. She knew all the reasons why. She understood him, she always had. He—
She looked at him and got it. He was pushing them all away because it made it easier for him to deal with what was happening. After years of not getting involved, he was being sucked in. By her, by the town, by Percy and the university. The need to connect overwhelmed him. The lashing out was simply a symptom.
She slid toward him and put her hand on his arm. “Jack, it’s okay. We’ll get through this together.”
“I doubt that.”
“You don’t understand. You can’t scare me away. I love you.” She paused as the truth sank in. “I’m not trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever was. I’m in love with you and I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”
* * *
JACK HAD ENJOYED his English classes in college. Writing papers had come easy to him, mostly because he knew how to spread about the bullshit with the best of them. He could read a book and then answer essay questions with ease.
He remembered some book about a guy who had no purpose and how that was its own brand of hell. He hadn’t understood it at the time, but he got it now. Because he was that guy. At one time he’d had a goal—to win. And before that, well, no reason to go there. Now, however, there was nothing. He’d already destroyed his relationship with Percy and Taryn, why not go for gold?
He stood up, careful to carry his glass with him. He turned to face Larissa, taking in her blue eyes, the fullness of her mouth. He knew everything about her, so he knew exactly where to slide the knife.
“Don’t love me,” he told her. “I’m not interested in your love. Or you. I can’t save you and if I could, I wouldn’t.”
She stared at him without flinching. “I don’t need saving.”
“Sure you do. Without me, you have no causes. And without your causes, you’re nothing.”
Her shoulders squared and her chin came up. “You’re wrong. I have value. We all do. You’re a whole lot more than just the guy who writes the checks.”
“But I don’t want to be. I’m not interested in the work involved.”
He’d already offered all he had to save his brother and he’d been turned down. He knew what it was like to beg to save the person he loved most in the world. And he knew what it was like to watch him die.
But he’d gotten through Lucas’s funeral and the days that followed. He’d hung on. Until his parents had come to him and explained they were leaving the country. They were going to some village in Africa to help poor children. Jack wasn’t sure what they would do there—he’d stopped listening. Because the real message had mattered more. They were leaving because there was nothing left for them here. Having a son who was living, having him around, wasn’t important enough.
That was the moment that had truly changed him. He’d said all the right things—that he was heading off to college and of course, he would be fine on his own. He had his friends and football. He didn’t need his parents. At that moment, watching them leave, he’d vowed never to give his heart again. He’d vowed never to get involved again, and he’d kept that promise. For a while he’d gotten soft. He’d allowed himself to care about Taryn, about Larissa. But all that was over now. Taryn was gone and he was about to get rid of Larissa.
“Jack, you have to believe in yourself.”
“I do,” he told her, then took a drink. “It’s you I don’t believe in. You’re fired.”
She stared at him. “What?”
“You’re fired. I’m your boss at Score and I’m firing you. Go get your things out of the building, turn in your key and never come back. I want nothing to do with you.”
For a second she didn’t move. In that heartbeat, he found himself hoping she would call him on his asshole behavior. That she would force him to see that he was making a mistake and doing things he would regret. He wanted her to be the one to show him the error of his ways. Because somewhere inside there was still enough humanity to know that one day soon he was going to have regrets.
But he’d placed the knife too perfectly and she didn’t have the strength. He saw the way her hands trembled. He saw the tears fill her eyes. She swallowed, then nodded and stood.
As she walked past him, she paused.
He’d always had the gift of timing in the game and apparently it followed him into life. Now he was able to sigh with the right combination of long suffering and boredom before shaking his head.
“Don’t bother telling me you love me,” he said. “I can’t stand to hear it again.”
A single tear slipped down her cheek. Jack watched it and felt that knife he’d placed so deliberately turn and cut through him. It made its way to the aching part of his own heart—the part that had never healed—and found a home there. The pain made it impossible to move, impossible to breathe. He could only stand there bleeding from the inside out and watch the very essence of who he had always wanted to be walk out without once looking back.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
LARISSA LAY STRETCHED on her sofa with Dyna sprawled across her. The fluffy cat purred loudly and stared into Larissa’s eyes, as if offering all the feline support she had.
“Thank you,” Larissa murmured, her voice muffled because her throat hurt. It was all the crying, she thought with a sniff. The horror of what had happened with Jack yesterday hadn’t gotten any better with the passage of a night and most of a morning. Her heart was still as shattered, her spirit crushed. Right now all that kept her going was the purring devotion of her cat.
“I’m glad we’ve bonded,” she told Dyna, tears slipping from the outer corners of her eyes and down her temples to get lost in her hair. “It really helps to know you’re here for me.”
Dyna’s gaze never wavered.
“It’s just I don’t understand,” she continued. “Jack is a lot of things. He can be stubborn and when he’s tired he can be a little snappish. He resists getting involved. But he’s also giving and fair. He’s been there for everyone he cares about. He’s never once been mean.”
But he’d been plenty mean yesterday. He’d broken her heart and left her feeling small. As if the gift of her love was both annoying and a burden.
She’d spent a long night trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Because something had. Something big. Something that had made him lash out.
She cradled Dyna and sat up, then wiped her face. She really had to get moving on her day. For one thing, she had to clear out her stu
ff from Score. Although just thinking about that was enough to get her crying again.
She set her cat on the warm sofa cushion and walked into her tiny kitchen. Once there she boiled water for tea and then sniffed through waiting for the bag to steep. Once the tea was ready, she carried it back to the living room and set it on the coffee table.
She stared at the pad of paper she’d dug out sometime in the long night. She needed to start making lists. If she didn’t work at Score, what was she going to do with her life? Should she stay in Fool’s Gold or move back to L.A.? The former meant seeing Jack, which added a whole new level of salt in the wound, while leaving was a lot like giving up. More important, she really liked living in Fool’s Gold. She liked her friends and the community. She wanted to see it at Christmas and in the spring.
Just as pressing was how she was going to make her living. She’d never been much of a saver. All her extra money had gone to various causes. She looked around the apartment and consoled herself with the fact that the rent was cheap. So she could stay and get a job.
She heard footsteps on the stairs outside her door, followed by a knock. Her heart knew better than to hope, so she figured her visitor had to be one of her friends.
She opened the front door and found both Taryn and Bailey waiting for her. An unusual pairing, she thought, fighting more tears. At some point, wasn’t she going to run out of fluids?
Taryn didn’t say anything. Instead, she reached for Larissa and held her close.
“That man is a total jackass. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s something. And I’m willing to bet it’s all about him and not us. Even so, I’m sorry he hurt you.”
Larissa accepted the comforting and told herself that having good friends was going to get her through this. Bailey hugged her, as well, then they all went into the apartment.
“How did you find out?” Larissa asked when she’d gotten her guests tea and they’d settled on the sofa and single chair. Dyna remained loyal and curled up on Larissa’s lap.
Until We Touch Page 25