by Ali Parker
“So why didn’t you get married? Before me, I mean?” I prompted him. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke once more.
“Because of my dad,” he responded.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s been in and out of all these marriages since my mom died.” He shook his head. “I genuinely lose count. And he wants me to believe in this whole long-lasting love thing, but I just can’t, not looking at him. I think lust can carry you through those first few months, maybe even few years, but beyond that …”
He trailed off and stared into space, as though speaking it out loud for the first time had suddenly clarified things in his head that he’d never been able to articulate before. He blinked and then turned back to me.
“You want a beer?”
“Love one,” I replied, and he got to his feet and headed to the kitchen. I turned to watch him go and wondered just how committed he was to the idea that love didn’t last.
17
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself as I yanked down the door at the side of the van. Could they have made this thing any harder to use if they’d set out especially to do so?
“You all right there?” Amaya called to me as she wheeled her sister out of the home and toward the van I was trying to beat into submission. I nodded.
“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” I assured her, kicking the ramp to make sure it wasn’t going to give out beneath her sister. “You ready?”
“Yup,” Jolene called back to him, and she had a grin on her face that threatened to split it in two. I couldn’t help but smile back. I was supposed to be meeting with my family today, but I had begged off dinner with them once I realized it had been a couple of weeks, and I still hadn’t fulfilled my promise to take Jolene out for a day with the two of us. Amaya had been nervous, but she had agreed, and I was already looking forward to getting out of the city for a while. It had been a long week at work, and I hadn’t had a chance to see a lot of Amaya. I was craving her presence. It might have been a little crazy, but I had started looking forward to coming home to see her, to our apartment filled with all the color and life I had done my best to keep out all these years.
“Okay, let me give you a hand.” I reached down to help Amaya maneuver the wheelchair into the van the home had loaned us.
“Do I get to know where I’m going yet?” Jolene asked. “She won’t tell me yet.”
“Don’t you dare,” Amaya warned me as she climbed into the back with her sister. “Just drive.”
“At your service.” I saluted the two of them playfully and started on the journey down to the part of town we’d picked out for today’s outing. Amaya had chosen a part of the boardwalk that was packed-out with food trucks because Jolene loved to eat and had started showing an interest in cooking as a career. She would be so excited to try out all the different cuisines, Amaya had assured me, and I was looking forward to enjoying a meal I didn’t gulp down at my desk between meetings.
I could hear them laughing and talking in the back, the conversation rapid-fire as they caught up on everything that had happened since the last time they’d spoken. Amaya called her sister every day, usually, but I guessed it was different in person. I heard my name a few times and tried not to think too hard about what she might be saying about me.
When we arrived, Amaya took her time getting Jolene out of the van while her sister tapped her fingers on the arms of her chair impatiently.
“Come on, I don’t have all day,” she teased as Amaya and I lifted her from the van, and her eyes darted around as soon as we put her down. When she saw all the trucks lined up along the sidewalk, she didn’t seem to give a shit about the gray sky or the cold breeze. Her eyes lit up, and she turned to Amaya with a huge grin.
“This is perfect.” She squeezed her sister’s hand. “Thank you. But how am I supposed to choose what to get something from?”
“Try something from every stand,” I cut in. “Anything you want. On me.”
Amaya turned to me and furrowed her brow. She mouthed are you sure? I nodded. I wanted this to be a fun day for all of us. It was times like this that I was glad I had the money I did, that I could spend the cash to give Jolene a great day out.
“Holy crap,” she exclaimed, and Amaya opened her mouth to scold her for her language but thought better of it. Instead, she shook her head and smiled.
“I guess we should get started, then.” She took hold of Jolene’s wheelchair. “We’ve got a whole lot of food to try.”
And that was that. The day went so quickly, the three of us taking our time as we picked out the most appealing dishes at every one of the trucks. We had doughnuts, waffles, grilled halloumi, battered squid, tapas, sliders, milkshakes—pretty much everything we could carry, we tried. Jolene was the most adventurous out of the lot of us, trying even the stuff Amaya took pause over. She seemed impressed I knew so much about food, testing my knowledge and asking about the fancy restaurants I’d been to. It was clear she had a deep passion for this stuff, and I was seriously impressed at how engaged she already was with gastronomy as a whole.
“I don’t think I can eat another bite,” Amaya groaned eventually as she sat on the edge of a bench and tilted her head up to the sky.
“I’m pretty sure we’ve tried every one of the trucks on this street,” Jolene said with a giggle.
“You had a good day?” Amaya asked, and Jolene nodded.
“Yeah, and I don’t think I’m ever going to need to eat again,” she replied. “I saw one of the trucks had a sign up for a food festival soon. Maybe we could go to that?”
“I’ll take you,” I suggested. “I have a bigger appetite than your sister. I won’t tap out after three bites of squid.”
“Okay, in my defense, it was squid,” Amaya protested. “It’s not meant to be eaten. I’m sorry, that’s just weird.”
“Or maybe you need to get on our level.” I winked at Jolene, who grinned back.
“You can keep it.” Amaya waved her hand at us.
“Yeah, well, maybe I’ll take Kristo out by myself.” Jolene shot a look at her sister. “Watch your back.”
“All right, maybe give me time to digest first,” I replied, and she giggled. Looking down at my watch. I grimaced.
“Hey, we should be getting you back to the home,” I remarked, and Jolene rolled her eyes.
“Oh, can’t we stay a little bit longer?” Jolene pleaded. I looked at Amaya, who frowned.
“Sorry, but we have to get you back.” She squeezed Jolene’s hand and then got to her feet. “Come on, let’s get you back to the van.”
“Fine, but you’re totally bringing me back here for the food festival,” she replied as we started on the way back to the van. We loaded her chair into the van and started on the way home, except this time, Amaya drove, and I sat in the back and chatted to Jolene. And damn, if she wasn’t about the most charming teenager I’d ever met. Sure, she was still young and had plenty of time to grow into her obnoxiousness, but she was smart and sharp and wasn’t afraid to jibe me, just like her sister.
When we arrived back at the home, we helped her out of the van and took her back up to her room. I gave them some privacy to say goodbye but not before Jolene had insisted we come back again in a week’s time to go for another outing.
“You have great taste in food.” She grinned at me. “More adventurous than her, at least.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” I replied, and Amaya planted her hands on her hips and looked between the two of us.
“Conspiring against me,” she teased and then checked her watch once more. “Hey, can you give us a minute, Kristo? I’ll be out in a moment.”
“Sure.” I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. I listened to them talk inside, voices low, and wondered if they were talking about me. I couldn’t help wondering why Amaya didn’t have her living with her, how she could afford to place her in here, but I figured there had to be a good reason. I didn’t know how to bring it up, and I assumed whatever
it was, she would tell me in good time.
When Amaya emerged, she had a slightly sad smile on her face.
“You ready to go?” I asked, and she glanced at the door and nodded.
“I guess so,” she replied. But she lingered for a moment longer and then nodded again.
“I always hate leaving her,” she admitted. “I don’t want to go, but I’m pretty sure they’ll come and kick me out as soon as they get the chance. They’ve had to before.”
“Come on, let’s do something to get your mind off it,” I suggested.
“Like what?” she asked, looping her arm through mine. I liked the feel of her close to me, even though I knew she was just looking for a little support to help her walk out of here without going back and wheeling Jolene out with her.
“How about a movie?” I replied. “There’s an indie cinema in town I used to go to a lot.”
“What do you have in mind?” she asked.
“No idea,” I admitted. “Whatever’s on? We can just get a huge pile of popcorn and use that to keep us occupied if the film’s terrible.”
“Are you asking me out on a date?” she teased, and I shrugged.
“You are my wife, after all,” I shot back, and she laughed as we got back to the car.
“Okay, you got me,” she agreed, leaning back into the seat with a sigh. “Take me somewhere I cannot think for a while.”
“Your wish is my command,” I replied, and we headed back into the city and in the direction of the movies I knew she was going to love. When we pulled to a stop outside, the old-style marquee displayed the name of a horror movie I hadn’t seen in years, since I was a teenager.
“Oh, we have to go see that,” I pointed at it as we climbed out. She gave me a face.
“Horror movies are my favorite,” she said cheekily as we headed for the box office.
“It’s going to be fun. You’ll see,” I assured her. We got our tickets and a box of popcorn so deep, I was pretty sure we could comfortably fit in there together. Taking our seats, I realized she had picked a spot in the back row. Could she be subconsciously evoking all those making-out-in-the-dark teenage dates everyone had been on when they were in high school?
“Okay, if this is scary and I can’t sleep tonight, I’m blaming you,” she warned as the movie started. I let an arm lie over the back of her seat and shrugged.
“I’m cool with that.”
The movie started, and she was as much of a wimp as she’d told me she was. She jumped at every mild scare, and to my amusement, she buried herself in my shoulder every time she got even a little freaked out. I held her close and found myself waiting for the scary moments, enjoying the way she felt nestled up against me. This had been the perfect choice of movie. After that perfect day we’d spent with her sister, I wanted to enjoy something that was especially for adults.
“Oh my god,” she murmured, turning away from the screen as the killer leaped out from behind a tree. She closed her eyes and pressed her face into my chest, and I pushed my nose into her hair and inhaled the sweet scent of her. My heart tightened as I realized this was a date, after all, a date I seriously wanted to go well.
18
“Fuck,” I muttered as I fumbled with the new set of keys. I just wanted to get the fuck home, but I still had to figure out how to drive this thing.
It had started off when my car had given up the ghost that morning after I arrived for work. I had intended to go out and grab some coffee for the rest of the staff, but the engine basically shuddered and died right there on the spot, finally done for. It had been threatening to break down for months, and I had never had the time or the money to get it fixed. I could have just called Kristo and asked him to lend us one of his cars, but the insurance company had given me a new one before it even crossed my mind, and I didn’t want to bother him.
Then, of course, things had taken a turn into the even-worse when I’d had a confrontation with one of the younger librarians. She had picked up her job a little later than me, and it hadn’t been what she wanted.
“Please, can you just give this a little time?” I had asked her, but she had shaken her head and crossed her arms over her chest.
“You can find someone else to fill this position,” she snapped. “It’s not what I thought it would be.”
“If you can just stick this out a couple more weeks so we can find someone,” I said, but she wasn’t having it.
“Yeah, no, I want to move on.” She shook her head, yawning and stretching her perfectly-manicured hands up over her head. I eyed her, really gave her an up and down, and wondered exactly how much money she came from that she could just walk out of a job like this one.
“Can you at least tell me what the problem is?” I asked. “So we can let the next person—”
“Honestly?” She sighed heavily, cutting me off. “I don’t want to start so far down the ladder. I know I can start in a better position somewhere else. And I didn’t know why you—”
She stopped dead, and I knew she was trying to say she thought she was the one who should have been sitting on my side of the desk. But I was the one who had worked my ass off for years putting together my career to earn this position, and she didn’t have anything like the resume that I did.
“Fine.” I nodded, closing the drawer on my desk harder than I needed to. “Hand in your notice, and we’ll see about advertising your position.”
So I had to stay in late to make sure everything was in hand, covering for the woman who quit. And then I had to announce it to the rest of the staff, and then I had to advertise the position, and I had to file a claim with my insurance. It was as though the world was just doing its best to hold together at the seams. The way that woman had spoken to me, the one who had quit, like I didn’t deserve to be where I was, it had stirred up a lot of emotions, long-dormant, the ones that told me I hadn’t earned anything. Maybe that’s why I didn’t call Kristo for help. It would be proof that I needed to rely on other people to get by.
I drove home, got stuck in traffic, and fought the urge to lean out of my window and scream at someone who’d cut me off. I knew it wasn’t going to do me any good, but it would have sure as fuck made me feel better. But when I pulled into the apartment’s garage, I felt something in me give and relax. The worst was over. At least, I was pretty sure it was. I got to spend the rest of the night with Kristo in a beautiful apartment. Maybe I would even suggest we take a trip out to the movies again, where I could lose myself in something scary and use the excuse to snuggle up to him for a couple of hours in the dark. But he was just arriving back the same time I was, and he climbed out of his car and stared over at me.
“What the fuck is that thing?” He cocked his head at the car, clearly amused.
“My car broke down today. This is a rental,” I replied, exhausted. “I really don’t want to talk about it.“
“Your car broke down?” He wrinkled up his nose. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I didn’t think about it, honestly,” I replied, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “I had a hell of a day. Can we just go upstairs and—”
“You need to rely on me for this stuff,” he cut me off. “I mean, what would people think if they found out about this?”
“Does it really matter?” I grabbed my coat and started up toward the apartment. He was hot on my heels.
“Yeah, it does,” he replied, catching up to me. “I know this might not seem like a big deal to you, but you have to let me help you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” I shot back. I knew I was taking it out on the wrong person, but he was there and acting like an asshole, and I wasn’t about to let it slide.
“Maybe that’s your problem,” he pointed out as I got to the apartment and he opened the door for me.
“What the hell do you mean by that?” I turned on him.
“I mean, maybe if you could accept a little more help, you wouldn’t have to
deal with all this stuff,” he pointed out, putting down his briefcase and taking off his blazer.
“So what you want is for me to rely on you more so you can play the rescuer?” I shot back at him sourly. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.
“It’s not like that, and you know it isn’t,” he replied patiently. “I just want you to be able to come to me when shit goes wrong.”
“Well, shit went wrong today, and I was completely able to handle it,” I pointed out. “You think I need you to come sliding in to fix it?”
“I could have made things a little easier for you, that’s all,” he replied, and something about the fact he was playing it so calm was pissing me off even more.
“Maybe I don’t want you to help me,” I fired back at him.
“Maybe you should learn to accept help when someone offers to make your life easier,” he responded, and the tiny crackle of irritation in his voice was enough to push me over the edge.
“Oh, because you’d know what it was like to deal with hardships,” I snapped, and I stomped off to my room. I knew I was acting childish, but I didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted to be left alone, to have some space to let my head clear.
He didn’t follow me. I guess some part of me was hoping he would, but I knew he was a grown-ass man who had better things to do than chase me around trying to make things better. I sat down on the edge of the bed and caught my breath, letting myself quietly fume for a few minutes. After a while, I heard him at the door.
“If you want to start acting like an adult, then I’ll order us some dinner,” he called through the wood. I didn’t respond. He wasn’t going to talk to me like that, not when he clearly thought I had been childish in doing what anyone would have done in the situation.
I didn’t come out for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to see him or anyone. This is what I missed about living by myself. It was so easy when I had a shitty day to allow myself to be pissed as hell for the whole rest of the evening without anyone to call me out on acting like a giant baby. I took Toby out of his cage and brought him onto my lap, where he scurried up and onto my shoulder, burying his nose in my hair for a moment and making me smile.