by Vicky Owen
What I want.
Right?
‘HOW COME YOU’RE not seeing Dan tonight?’
‘I am. Later.’ Mylo grins at Sam.
‘You’re abandoning us?’ Lexi says, looking up from the pumpkin in her lap.
Mylo carefully pins his stencil to the flattest side of his own pumpkin. He’s way ahead of the rest of us. ‘As if you’ll even notice. I’m surprised you’ve managed to tear yourself away from your phone long enough to join us,’ he teases. She picks her scoop back up and continues hollowing out her own pumpkin, lowering her head, saying nothing.
‘So,’ Sam says slowly, exchanging a look with Mylo and me, ‘who is he?’
Lexi frowns and digs harder into her pumpkin. ‘Just some guy. Nothing serious.’
No one says anything for a moment. Mylo starts tracing his stencil. Sam finishes hollowing out her pumpkin—it’s neater than the any of the rest of us could hope to achieve. She stands, taking her bowl of pumpkin flesh to the kitchen counter and returning with a bowl of sweets.
‘For ‘nothing serious’, you’ve been awfully distracted by your phone for the last two weeks,’ Sam says, sitting back down next to Lexi.
‘He’s fun,’ Lexi says, a hint of defence in her voice. ‘Anyway. Mylo. Shouldn’t you dress up if you’re going out tonight?’
‘I am,’ he says, frowning in concentration as he carefully pierces the pumpkin skin. ‘Zombie. Easy.’
‘And Cerys,’ Lexi says, turning her attention to me, ‘what’s happening with you and Jake?’
The three of them look at me. I knew I couldn’t avoid this forever.
‘I’ve been busy,’ I say. It’s true. Busy with in-course assessments. Busy applying for PhDs and funding.
Busy avoiding Jake. Not that I’ve heard from him—busy trying to avoid thinking about him would be more accurate. But I haven’t been particularly successful on that front.
I’m not entirely sure what happened. Maybe it stopped being fun for him when he wasn’t fucking with my emotions. Just sex is too easy, I guess. Can get that from anyone.
I take off my glasses and focus on the pumpkin in my lap.
‘Reckless are playing the student union on Thursday,’ Lexi says. ‘We should go.’
‘Sounds good,’ says Sam, lining up her stencil with her pumpkin.
‘Mylo?’
‘Sure. Might bring Dan.’
‘Cool.’ Lexi looks at me. Are you in?
‘I’m not going.’ I’m done scooping this thing, I decide. It’ll do. I can feel their eyes on me, and I sense the glances they’re exchanging behind my back as I take the bowl of pumpkin flesh to the kitchen.
‘But it’s Bonfire Night,’ Lexi says. ‘Guy Fawkes.’
‘I know,’ I say, opening the fridge. ‘Anyone want a drink?’ Please say yes so we can change the subject.
‘But…fireworks!’ Lexi continues, a hint of panic in her voice.
‘Yeah, I’m familiar with the fifth of November.’ They might not be the only fireworks if I run into Jake. I don’t want to see him, and I especially don’t want to see him with someone else. He’s obviously done with me. No need to make it worse.
I frown and rub my forehead, trying to erase the image that’s quickly threatening to fill my mind: him with some other girl.
Fuck it, I need alcohol. I pull a bottle of mixed berry cider out of the fridge.
I return to the others and sit cross-legged on the floor, turning to Mylo. ‘So, do you need any help with your zombie make-up?’
‘Uh, sure,’ he says as the three of them exchange yet more looks, ‘but not until we’ve finished these pumpkins.’
Lexi has set hers aside and is now on her phone instead, biting her lip as she frowns at the screen.
Sam is watching her. ‘Mr Nothing Serious?’ she asks. Lexi doesn’t even seem to hear her.
Another quiet moment. Sam and I begin outlining our carvings as Mylo finishes up and Lexi continues to type on her mobile. She eventually puts it back down and continues scooping out her pumpkin.
‘Cerys,’ she finally says, a tone of exasperation in her voice, ‘please come on Thursday night. And you haven’t seen Jake for a while. Could be fun.’
I haven’t seen him because he doesn’t want to see me, I think bitterly. If he did, I would have heard from him.
I say nothing as I try to think of an excuse. Even Sam is going to this one, so I can’t use uni stuff as a reason. Fireworks? No, we’ve been out on Bonfire Night two years running. They all know I don’t hate fireworks.
The silence drags out as the others wait for me to speak.
But I know Lexi won’t wait much longer.
‘I…’ I try to pre-empt whatever she’s about to say. But I have nothing.
‘And you’ve been neglecting all of us so far this semester,’ she continues. ‘Jake and uni work. You compromised on a gig last time, so I’m offering the same again.’ The pleased expression on her face gives her away: she thought up that reasoning practically as it came out of her mouth, and she knows I can’t disagree. To protest would make me look like the bad guy.
‘Great, we’re going. All of us. Together.’ Lexi smiles, taking my silence as a yes.
‘JESUS, THIS IS worse than Tram House,’ says Sam, throwing a glare at the back of the head of a tall blonde who has just elbowed in front of her.
She’s not wrong. It was packed at the Tram House, but there’s barely room to inhale in this crowd. At least I’m not wearing a dress and feeling so self-conscious this time.
We edge forward, towards the doors.
Although maybe I should be wearing something sexier.
I’m suddenly having doubts. In my head, I repeat what I told myself before coming out: I’m not seeing Jake. He won’t even notice me. He won’t be expecting me to be here. He’s not even going to be looking for me. And, anyway, I don’t want to see him.
Except I do. Obviously. I can’t even lie to myself properly.
I want him to see me and want me and fuck me, right up against the uncomfortable-looking wall that I’m staring at right now.
‘Okay?’ Mylo puts his arm around me.
No.
I nod.
The crowd inches forward.
‘Nearly at the door,’ Lexi says, excitedly. I nod. That’s what I do now. Someone says something, and I just nod in agreement.
There’s a cheer beyond the doors. Looking through the gaps in the crowd that separates us from the stage, I can see the opening act walking out and picking up their instruments. Four drumstick clicks ring out, and they dive right into their first song.
‘Who’s that?’ Mylo says.
‘Miseducation,’ Lexi replies. ‘Think they’re touring with No Reckless next summer.’
‘Oh. They sound good.’
Two songs later, we’re finally firmly inside the Main Hall, used for lectures, exams and—on nights like tonight—gigs.
Mylo’s right. These guys are good. I give in and let my body move to the music. This is okay. I can still have a good time. Just enjoy the music, and don’t look too closely at whoever takes the stage after these guys.
A few more songs are dispatched, and before long the band seem to have come to the end of their set. The lead singer takes a moment for the crowd to settle. He exchanges a look with their bassist before turning to the drummer and lead guitarist. The guitarist rolls his eyes and nods, laughing about something. The singer turns back to the audience.
‘So, what do you think of our music?’
I join in with the crowd as they cheer and clap.
‘And you’re all here to see No Reckless?’
Much louder cheering this time.
‘Anyone going to see them on tour next summer?’
More loud cheers and whistles.
He laughs. ‘Well, in that case, you can be the first to know.’ He pauses. ‘We’ll be joining No Reckless on tour next year as their support act.’ He says something else, but it’s impossible to hear ov
er the audience’s screams.
The band wave and exit the stage. As the screaming dies down to a loud chatter and the house lights come up while the stage is reset for No Reckless, Sam turns to Lexi.
‘How did you know?’
‘Know what?’ says Lexi.
‘He said we were the first to hear about them supporting Reckless.’
‘Oh,’ Lexi frowns. ‘Guess I read it or overheard it somewhere. I don’t know.’
‘Hmm.’ Sam narrows her eyes suspiciously and Mylo raises his eyebrows, but neither push the matter any further.
‘Where’s Dan?’ I ask Mylo as people start pushing past us to reach the bar, leaving us room to move closer to the stage.
‘Running late.’
We move forward.
‘Much better,’ Lexi smiles.
‘So you can see Luc?’ I say.
‘No! So you can see Jake.’ She looks a little flustered. I’d offer to re-introduce her to the band’s drummer, but I don’t think I have those connections any more.
The roadies vacate the stage and the house lights go down again, to many high-pitched squeals of delight.
Four figures walk onto the stage. To everyone else, they’re indistinguishable silhouettes in this lighting, but I instinctively know which is mine.
Except that he’s not mine at all.
Jake’s outline adjusts the mic slightly before pulling it free of the stand entirely. Gethin and Harry simultaneously pick up their respective guitars, pulling the straps over their heads and settling the instruments on their shoulders. My height—or lack thereof—means I can barely make out Luc at the back, behind his drum kit, but Lexi looks captivated.
We’re so close. Not at the front, but he can probably still see me. Despite the lack of contact and the telling myself it’s all over—that it was never anything, that I don’t care—every cell in my body is drawn to him. I can’t take my eyes off him as they stand there, waiting for the crowd to settle. Once the chatter has dropped to an acceptable volume, Luc clicks his drumsticks and they start.
And my plan to tune out and just enjoy the music evaporates.
I can’t tune out with him standing right there. With his voice in my ears.
I can feel everyone around me dancing, moving in time with the music. Singing along. I stand motionless, watching the green and blue lights dance across Jake as he loses himself in the song.
I used to tease him for his constant singing and for playing his guitar, but we both knew he was exceptional at both. And I secretly loved hearing him singing.
Still do.
The music builds and the crowd gets louder. Someone throws something lacy at the stage. The guys ignore it. Guess they’re used to this. Women throwing themselves at them.
It’s why Jake hasn’t messaged me. Why would he bother dealing with this mess when he can move on and get anyone he wants without even trying?
I take a deep breath and try to revert to my original plan of losing myself in the song. I close my eyes and let my body take over, telling myself I absolutely will not look back up at Jake when I open them again.
I won’t.
I’ll just enjoy the music.
Look at Gethin or Harry or the stage floor. Look at anything but Jake.
But I can’t help myself. My eyes do whatever the fuck they want, and as soon as I open them they’re on him again.
And he’s looking back.
He’s seen me.
Shit.
He’s not looking away.
The song is coming to an end and it’s just the music playing out now. The lyrics have passed.
We stay still, our eyes locked.
He frowns slightly, not taking his eyes off me, and I can’t bring myself to look away.
God, he must think I’m pathetic, showing up like this. I want to tell him that I’m only here for Lexi, and technically I did only come because she was so persistent, but it would still be a lie.
If I didn’t want to be here I just wouldn’t have come. I would have been ill, been busy in the library, anything. But I’m here, and he knows that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t at least partly what I wanted.
The music ends and the crowd goes wild.
Jake continues to look at me. Finally, he tears his eyes away and leans over to Gethin to say something. Then he turns back to the audience.
‘Like that, huh?’
More screaming, with some chants of ‘Jake! Jake! Jake!’ at the back.
He laughs. ‘Okay, well this next one is for someone important to me.’ My heart sinks. ‘Hope you like it.’
He turns and indicates something to Luc, and after a few clicks the melody edges in.
The entire crowd goes nuts. Their latest hit.
Missing.
This was a mistake. Why would he do something so fucking hurtful?
He starts singing, looking at me.
My stomach feels like it’s twisting, and my cheeks burn with shame.
Yeah, fine. I get it. Ana for-fucking-ever.
God, this really is fucking humiliating.
Lexi is engrossed, and Sam is dancing happily. I tug on Mylo’s sleeve and he leans down.
‘I’m going. I feel a bit sick. See you later.’
‘You want me to come with you?’ he says, a look of concern on his face.
‘No. No, stay. Enjoy the rest of the night. I’ll see you later.’ I force a smile and turn to hurry out before Lexi can notice and try to stop me.
As I push through the crowd I hear Jake’s singing stop, followed in turn by each of the other members of the band. The crowd are unsure how to react, and there’s an odd quiet in the huge hall.
I keep pushing. Not turning around. Not looking back. I don’t know what just happened, but I want to get the hell out of here.
‘Wait. Cerys!’
Jake.
People are looking at me as I get closer to the door, but no one stops me.
There’s movement behind me as I reach the exit, and I turn to see Jake jumping down from the stage, following me.
‘No!’ I hear my voice reacting without any conscious input from me as I exit and walk swiftly out of the building, straight into the rain.
Jake
I PUSH THROUGH the crowd, following Cerys. The guys are going to be pissed with me, but fuck it. I don’t care. I need to speak to her.
People start stepping back, making way. Someone reaches out and grabs my arm.
Fuck off!
Cerys disappears out the door, and a few seconds later I’m outside with her.
Typical— it’s raining. Shit night for fireworks.
‘Cerys!’ I’m not sure she can hear me over the rainfall. She keeps walking.
‘Cerys, please,’ I shout, running after her, ‘please stop. Just for a minute.’ I reach out and grab her hand. She snatches it away but stops and turns around to face me nonetheless.
‘What?’ she says, angry. She’s already drenched. It reminds me of being in the shower with her.
Naked.
‘I just…’ I start, not sure where I’m going with this. ‘What just happened?’
She narrows her eyes at me and frowns like it’s the dumbest question in the world. Finally: ‘Nothing. I don’t even know why I came. I’m going home. Go back inside and play for your fans.’
‘Not until we speak.’
‘I shouldn’t have come.’
‘So why did you?’
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. ‘Just…I don’t know. I should be focusing on my work. This…and why did you play that fucking song?!’ Her voice raises angrily.
‘For you,’ I say slowly. Isn’t that obvious?
She lets out a cold, hard laugh. ‘Great. Right. Whatever.’
I don’t understand. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You haven’t even called me.’
There’s a stab of guilt in my chest. ‘No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just leave the way I did. I needed to think. I needed time.’ Th
e rain has soaked through my t-shirt but I don’t care. ‘You didn’t call me either,’ I add quietly.
Mistake. ‘You’re the one who left!’
‘I’m here now. And I’m sorry. Please stay.’ I look into her eyes, illuminated only by the street lights and the reflection of the rain, willing her to come back. She looks away. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ I add.
Cerys looks down and shakes her head slightly. ‘That’s not enough.’ Her voice is barely audible over the rain. ‘It’s not all your fault. I shouldn’t have let this happen. And I love you and it’s a huge mess and I know you can never feel the same.’ She looks back up at me. ‘Yes, I did just say that. And I’m sorry for that too. I thought I could handle this, but I can’t.’
It takes me a moment to process the meaning of her words, and by then she’s already heading over to the taxi rank. I run over, but she’s already pulling away.
CHAPTER 15
Cerys
‘HAVE YOU GOT the genomics notes?’
I hand Lexi a wad of papers without looking up. ‘Why do you even have to do this module?’
‘I didn’t. I took it optionally.’
‘Think you’re the only biologist who did,’ I say, leafing through my file. We’re sitting on the floor of the living room, surrounded by notes and handouts, cramming for a bioinformatics in-course assessment.
‘Yep,’ Lexi beams. ‘It was this or more plant biology.’ She eyes the notes. ‘I think plants would have been easier though.’
I nod in agreement. ‘At least this thing is multiple choice.’
‘But worth thirty percent of the module.’ Lexi scrunches her nose at a table of next-generation sequencing methods. ‘I’m never going to remember all of this.’
‘Well, maybe if you’d actually been paying attention instead of messaging God-knows-who in lectures—’
‘You’re one to talk.’
‘What?’
She puts the notes down. ‘Jake.’
I focus on my file, saying nothing.
‘I still don’t know what happened last week.’
‘Do you remember how many questions they said this thing will be?’
‘What happened?’ She’s not going to let me change the subject that easily.