“Do what?”
“How do you go on without feeling like you want to die every single day of your life?”
“Why . . . what would make you ask me that?” Ellen asked, her voice cracking some.
“You’re just getting through this really well. You’re handling Brian really well.”
“Well no one’s really given me a choice, now have they?” Ellen stood up. There was a certain defensiveness to her tone.
“Excuse me?” Frank looked up at her.
“No one has given me a choice. I’ve had to be the strong one. I’ve had to put my grief aside every single day. Every single hour, I have been helping you or Dean. Yet . . .” Ellen tossed her hand downward as if in defeat. “Yet, neither one of you have said to me, ‘How can I help you through this?’ You guys seemed to forget he was my son too.”
“Yeah, but you seem to forget who spent all the time with him, me and Dean.”
Ellen let out a long shivering breath and nodded slowly with closed eyes. “My God how thoughtless of me. Here I was thinking I was his mother and that somewhere in this whole thing, I had a right to miss him too.” She reached down, grabbed her jar, and walked off.
Frank followed Ellen into the cabin. She sat at the table by the unlit fireplace. “El, look, I said something I shouldn’t have.”
“Yes you did, but you spoke the truth, didn’t you?” Ellen looked up at him.
“No.”
“Yes, Frank. Yes you did. I was a terrible mother. You know that, Dean knows that, and I know that.”
“I never said that.”
“You aren’t denying it right now, are you?”
Frank didn’t answer. He stood there, hands on hips, staring at her from the tops of his eyes.
Ellen gasped emotionally, “I didn’t think I’d get an argument from you. You have never once seen me as a mother to Brian. Never. I was the woman who gave birth to your son, that’s it.” Ellen stood up. “He was yours, Frank. Last year you took him from me, so easily, like he was your possession. I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t hold him. He was your kid. You were super fuckin dad to him and I was nothing.”
“El, that’s enough.” Frank reached out his hand and Ellen swiped it away. “I don’t need this shit.”
“You don’t need this shit. It’s always about you, Frank, always. Your sorrow. Your grief. Your time away. That’s what this whole thing away from Beginnings is for. For you!”
“No, you’re wrong. It’s for us.”
“Us? Didn’t you just say out there that I was dealing with this fine? Forgive me, Frank, but if that’s the case then why in the hell did I need to leave Beginnings?”
“Nothing I say right now will be the right thing, will it?” Frank moved to her. “El,” he dropped his voice as he looked at her back, “I don’t want to fight with you. We are not out here to fight.
Solemnly, Ellen turned to face him. “You’re right. We’re not out here to fight. We’re out here to help you through this, and we will. I’m out here to help you. As your friend and someone who loves you, I will be your sounding board. I will help you face this.” Ellen swallowed harshly. “But remember this. This kidnapping and your implications have crossed the line with me for the final time. The moment we step back into Beginnings is the last moment I will have anything more to do with you.” Ellen spun from him and moved to the cabin door.
“Then I will not take you back there.”
Ellen stopped before she made her exit. “You know for such a terrible parent I am, it’s kinda of funny. I’m not the one forgetting I have other children back home.” Ellen walked out.
Frank stood there.
^^^^
Beginnings, Montana
Joe read off his clipboard as he blindly walked into Frank’s office. “O.K. Frank, help me make heads or tails out of this . . .” He looked at Robbie who grinned from Frank’s chair.
“Hey Dad.”
“This is ridiculous.” Joe walked to the desk and slammed the clipboard down. “I thought Frank would at least be back by now.”
“Nope, I’m it,” Robbie cleared his throat, “head of security. I thought you knew I was filling in.”
“I did. What do you think I am, stupid?” Joe huffed. “Isn’t he back?”
“Um . . . no. Didn’t you wonder why you haven’t seen him? Or heard from him?”
“Robert!”
“What.”
“I want your brother back. This is too much. I gave him yesterday. Not that I don’t put every faith in your keen ability to protect this community, it’s just that I want Frank on it and every day he hides away is another day we can face trouble.”
“I completely understand.”
“All right, so let’s go.” Joe motioned his hand and moved to the door.
“Where are we going?” Robbie stood up.
“To get Frank.”
“We can’t do that.”
Joe turned around and faced him. “You said you know his general vicinity, right?”
“Yes.” Robbie nodded.
“Well, let’s head there. I bet it’s sector nineteen.” Joe started moving and noticed Robbie did not. “He’s not in nineteen?”
Robbie shook his head.
“Where is he?”
“I know the general vicinity.”
“Robbie!” Joe yelled. “Where did your brother go?”
“Well uh . . . originally to Canada but he . . .”
“What!” Joe blasted.
“No, no.” Robbie held his hands up. “They’re closer than that, about a hundred or so miles away. North, I think. Yeah.”
“Oh my God. He left Beginnings? He took Ellen and left Beginnings?”
Robbie shifted his eyes around.
“Tell me this.” Joe stepped closer to Robbie. “Did Frank take Ellen from her home against her will?”
“I believe she wasn’t quite aware at the time that she was going.”
“Oh Jesus Christ.” Joe brought his hand to his own forehead. “He’s outside these walls. Why in God’s name didn’t you tell me he was out there?”
“You didn’t ask and I . . . ow, Dad, my ear.” Robbie found himself--or rather his ear--at Joe’s mercy as Joe gripped tightly to Robbie’s ear and pulled him from the office.
<><><><>
Henry spun the swivel chair in the communications room where he, Robbie, Joe, and Dean were. “Is this a secret suspect meeting, Joe?”
“No,” Joe sounded perturbed. “Henry, quit playing and fix your eyes on the screen.”
“Why?” Henry asked.
“Just do it,” Joe ordered. “Dean?”
Dean sat in the chair next to Henry. “Yes.”
“Watch the big board behind me.” Joe pointed to the huge electronic map of the United States. He moved to the control panel and typed. The large map of the United States became a map of Montana. “Keep your eyes fixed, both of you. Robbie, call your brother.” As soon as Joe saw Robbie dial, he hit the speaker phone.
There were four rings and Frank answered. “Yeah.”
At that instant, though low volume, a beeping occurred. Dean sprang from his chair when he saw the indicator light go off on the big board. “No.” His eyes widened and his face turned red. He spun to Henry. “Where?”
Henry grinned. “One hundred and twenty-nine miles north of Beginnings. Yes!” Henry clenched his fist. “I was right. I was right. I told you people that . . . Hey!” Henry was silenced when Joe lightly smacked him in the back of the head.
Mouthing the word, “Quiet” Joe nodded to Robbie.
Robbie sounded nervous, like the little snitch brother when he spoke to Frank. “Uh . . . hey Frank.”
“It’s about time you said something. What?”
“There’s something that you . . .”
“Wait.” Frank said strongly. “I hope to God you aren’t calling me up to ask me a stupid fuckin question again. Are you? What the fuck, Robbie. Can’t you people live in Beginnings without us?
You call me constantly. Fuckin Dean can’t find shit without Ellen. And Dad, he’s whining about something that would have bit him in the fuckin nose if he looked.”
It was Joe’s turn. “Frank.”
“Oh uh . . . hey Dad. Am I uh, on the speaker phone?”
“Yes you are, son. Now will please tell me what in God’s name was going through that thick skull of yours when you decided to leave these walls and take Ellen with you.”
“I needed to get away. I got Robbie to fill in.”
“You took Ellen.”
“It’s a mini vacation.”
Henry watched Dean. Dean just stared with an anger filled look in his eye. Henry couldn’t recall when he saw Dean so mad that the veins actually protruded from his neck like they were now. Dean was literally red. Henry sneaked up behind him whispering. “Dean, you better lower your blood pressure. A man your age could have a stroke.”
Dean’s jaw twitched and his nostrils flared as he took a step closer to Joe. “Tell him,” Dean’s voice graveled, “tell him I want her back here now!”
Frank heard him. “Is that Dean? Tell him to shut the fuck up.”
“Bring her back, Frank!” Dean yelled.
“No.”
Dean breathed heavily. “No? What the hell is the matter with you? Huh? You took her! You took her from the safety of these walls. You took her from her kids! What kind of stupid, asshole, arrogant, selfish kind of move was that?”
“Excuse me!” Frank blasted. “I hope you aren’t talking to me like that.”
“Who the hell do you think I’m talking to? You, asshole.” Dean argued back. “You’re a dead man Frank. man. The moment you step through these gates I’m killing you.”
Frank chuckled. “Oh, Dean, stop. I’m scared.”
“You think I’m kidding you? I’m gonna kill you. I swear to almighty God I will kill you. Put her on the phone.”
“No.”
“Put her on, Frank!”
“Fuck you!”
The loudest and strongest voice ever to emerge from Dean’s little body blasted out like a lion’s roar and Dean totally lost it. “Put her on the fuckin phone! Right now! Right now!”
Henry cringed, closed one eye, and held his ear that rang from Dean’s scream. He looked at Dean breathing so heavily. He wondered if he should prepare himself to get Andrea because Henry could have sworn at that moment Dean was sending himself into a heart attack.
Ellen’s voice seemed to immediately change the feel of the room. “Hello?”
Dean snatched the phone that was still in Robbie’s hand and switched off the speaker. “El.”
“Dean,” Ellen said his same with relief.
Dean closed his eyes and walked further from the others. “El, I swear to you I didn’t know he took you from Beginnings. I’m sorry. I am really sorry. I thought he had you somewhere here.”
“That’s all right. How are the kids?”
“They’re fine. How are you?”
“I’m O.K. Things are a little rough right now.”
“El, I know he took you to work through everything. Just tell me . . . is it helping you? I’ll be O.K. with this if it is.”
“It’s supposed to be helping Frank.”
“No, El,” Dean kept his voice soft, “is it helping you?” There was silence. “El?”
“No.”
A lump formed in Dean’s throat. He swallowed. “I want you home. You belong home. You need to be around the kids, Henry, and me. Just know that I miss you and I love you. O.K.?” Dean didn’t get a response, “El?”
Frank’s voice was not what Dean expected. “What the fuck did you say to her, Dean. Huh? She was perfectly fine and now she’s crying . . . Asshole!”
The line hung up.
Dean’s hand clenched the phone so tightly he could have broken it. With rage he handed it back to Robbie and spun around facing Joe. “This is wrong. He’s wrong. He took her Joe. Took her! I want her back here, back home where she belongs.” Dean pointed as he walked backwards. “I will give him until tomorrow to bring her home. If he’s not back tomorrow, I will go after her myself!”
“If he’s not back by tomorrow, I’ll send a chopper for her. I won’t stop you from going.”
Dean gave an angry nod and stormed out of the communications room.
Henry’s eyes shifted to Joe, to Robbie, and then to the door Dean barreled out of. “Boy, is he mad. I told you he’d be mad when he found out. Joe, you don’t really think he’s going to kill Frank, do you?”
Joe raised his eyebrows as he bounced from heel to toe. He didn’t have an answer for Henry on that one.
^^^^
Ft. Peck Lake
Frank kept his eyes on Ellen who sat on the step of the cabin’s porch. Her head rested against her knees and Frank sat next to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you. This wasn’t supposed to be something bad. I wasn’t thinking.” Frank’s hand hovered over her head in hesitation. “I’m sorry for everything I said.” His hand fell gently to her hair and he moved his lips close to her ear. “Tell me you’ll forgive me. Tell me we’ll use what time we have left out here to work through this . . . together. Please.”
Ellen raised her head slightly then let it drop onto Frank’s lap. He pulled her close and held her.
^^^^
Beginnings, Montana
Jason Godrichson whistled a happy tune in the cryo-lab because that was all he could do while watching a totally irate Dean fly about the lab. That and do his lab work. The buzz of the cryo lab door was a welcome relief sound to Jason, Something different rather than grunting, slamming and banging.
Andrea waltzed in with a smile and a wave. Jason shook his head in warning to her. Andrea merely gave Jason a ‘don’t be silly’ look and moved to Dean.
“Morning, Dean.”
Dean looked up from the freezer case he peered into then slammed the lid.
“Joe sent me to talk to you. He said you’re upset.”
“Upset? Upset? Andrea, upset is an understatement.” Dean’s voice was loud. “He took her. He kidnapped her. All because he needed her to himself. I need her! Do you see me snatching her up in the middle of the night and making an escape with her! No!”
Andrea didn’t bat an eyelash at Dean’s ranting. She stayed calm. “Dean, take a breath.”
“No!”
“Dean.” Andrea laid her hands on his shoulder. “Breathe with me. Ready?”
“Andrea . . .”
“Dean,” her voice still soothing, “breathe with me, cleansing breaths. In and . . .”
“Andrea, I don’t . . .”
“Dean,” she scolded loudly, “knock it off and breathe with me! Sweet Jesus, get it together boy. Now!” She closed her mouth and a startled Dean took in three long breaths with her. “Better?”
“No.”
“Tough.”
Dean grunted and moved about the lab with his work.
“Two things.” She followed him. “No wait three. Stop your little ass right now and face me. I deserve more respect than to speak to your back.”
Dean stopped and looked at her.
“Thank you.” Andrea smiled again. “First, Joe needs you at his office for a meeting about something. He said it would take an hour. Second. Joe spoke to Frank again. Day after tomorrow, first light, he’s bringing Ellen home. Joe said to tell you he spoke to Ellen and she agreed to one more day. So . . .” Andrea pulled up a stool and sat down. “Are we feeling better now?”
“No,” Dean said, “I’m still killing him.” Dean walked back over to his freezer case.
“Oh Dean, I know how upset you are but I really don’t think you’re killing Frank. He’s not worth your soul burning for all eternity in hell. Keep in mind, as a Christian man, you know as well as I do that the thought is as bad as the act, so let’s wipe that . . .” Andrea stopped rambling when Jason laid a clipboard in front of her.
Jason cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows as Andrea read it.
Andrea quickly looked at Dean then back at the clipboard. “Oh my.” She handed the clipboard back to Jason. She whispered, “Perhaps we should start praying for Dean’s soul now.”
^^^^
Bowman, North Dakota
The Captain stared at the radio in the old police station, listening to Beginnings’ transmissions. He smoked a cigarette, listened to the meshing voices, his face serious. Occasionally he would crack a smile at the antics of a civilization that seemed to have it all together. He tapped a pencil from eraser to tip as he rocked back and forth in the chair, paying attention to every single word as if he were listening for something specific.
^^^^
Beginnings, Montana
Dean was the last to enter Joe’s office that afternoon. Joe was in his usual spot, behind his desk. Robbie and Henry sat before it. An empty chair was waiting for Dean. He walked heavily and plopped down hard in his seat.
Henry scooted his chair over some.
“What?” Dean snapped at Henry, “do I smell?”
Henry leaned into him and sniffed. “Not that I can tell. Are you still mad, Dean?”
Dean only stared at him.
“You know, if you would have just listened to me the other night, you could have been past this pissed off phase and we . . .”
“Henry,” Dean said his name strongly, “don’t.”
“O.K.” Henry held his hands up, hesitated then leaned to Dean again. “Just merely making an observation. You do know Dean, you had me thinking you were gonna . . .”
“Henry.”
“Not another word.” Again Henry held his hand up and looked at Joe; after a few seconds he leaned to Dean again. “Just so you know., for a little guy you can get pretty frightening when you want to be.”
Dean snarled at Henry and gave a glaring look to Robbie who snickered. “Joe, can we just start this, please.”
The Big Ten: The First Ten Books of the Beginnings Series Page 351