“What are you doing?” My chest heaves and my pulse thunders so hard I can hear it in my ears.
His face softens, as he says gently, “Time for us to talk.”
Panic flares hot and heavy through my system, and I shove at his chest to get away.
Capturing my wrists, he drags them up over my head and places his face close to mine. “Calm down.”
“No. Get off me!” I shout, bucking my hips and trying to dislodge his weight. He doesn’t let up, doesn’t move an inch, while I use all my strength to make him move. Breathing heavy, I give up and close my eyes, trying to block him out the only way I can.
“Why are you so scared of me, Bre?” he asks quietly, and tears fill my eyes.
I shake my head, causing hot tears that have gathered in my eyes to fall down the sides of my face and into my hair. I can’t tell him why he scares me. I can’t tell him that when I’m around him I forget about my past with Gabe, that I forget about the pain in my chest. I can’t tell him I’m petrified of what I would feel if I ever had to go through losing him. I can’t ever tell him that I never want to be like my mother. That I’m terrified of getting so mixed up with a man that I’d forget about everything else, including Ly, forget about my life, forget who I am. I know it’s stupid, but I also know it’s true, because since the moment I met Denver, he’s had the ability to make me forget about everything but the feelings he evokes in me.
“Talk to me, baby,” he urges, but I shake my head as more tears fall. “Are you afraid of me hurting you physically?”
My eyes snap open and I glare at him. “No, don’t be ridiculous.”
He smiles, and I realize what I just admitted. Dammit.
“Okay then what are you afraid of?” he prompts.
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Don’t lie. I know you’re scared. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me and your guard is down.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He shakes his head then drops his mouth to my forehead, resting his lips there. “Are you scared of falling in love with me?”
I want to laugh and tell him he’s full of himself if he thinks I’d easily fall in love with him, but the truth is, I’ve been in love with him forever. I loved him when I was just a kid, loved him when I was married to another man, and still love him to this day. When Gabe died, I hated myself for having those feelings; he didn’t deserve that. He should have had all of me, and Denver never should have crossed my mind, even if it was just me praying he was happy and okay.
“I know we can be happy, Bre.” He keeps his lips against my forehead. “I know we can make this work. We can give each other something beautiful.”
“I had something beautiful,” I say bitterly to guard my heart against his words, and his body goes rigid above mine.
He pulls back to look at me, and his voice is soft when he says, “Baby.”
“I don’t care what you’ve convinced yourself of, Denver. I’m not interested in what you think is going to happen between us.”
“Do you feel safe inside those walls you’ve built around yourself? Are you happy there? Are you okay with living your life like you have been? Are you okay with the idea of one day settling down with some guy you don’t really give a fuck about, just because it’s safe, he’s safe?” he questions, and my insides twist painfully.
“Get off me,” I hiss, his words striking too close to home.
“No, I want to know. Do you like the idea of being with someone who doesn’t give enough of a fuck about you to even try and sort your shit out?”
“Oh, and you’re going to be the one to do that? Because you… what? Know me so well?”
“Yeah, Bre, I fucking know you. I know you better than you fucking know yourself. I know you love me just as much as I love you, and I know that scares the shit out of you. I also know you’ll do anything to protect yourself, even if that means passing up something you realize is good. I hate to be the one to tell you this, baby, but life fucking sucks sometimes, but either you learn from it or you don’t. I pray to fucking God I never have to know what it feels like to lose the person I planned on spending the rest of my life with. But if God forbid that ever did happen, I hope like fuck I’m strong enough to take a chance on a good thing when I see it. I hope I’m able to risk losing it all again for the chance of being happy, even if it’s just for a little fucking while.”
With those words cutting me open, he lets me go and knifes off the bed, leaving me feeling cold and completely alone. My throat burns and my heart aches. I want to take everything back. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I’m sorry, that he’s right, that you should risk it all for the chance of being happy, even for a moment. But I don’t.
I sit up, keeping my eyes averted from him as I numbly find my shoes and put them on along with my jacket. I don’t look at him before I head up the stairs. I can’t. I don’t trust myself with my emotions running so high. When I make it to the deck and step off the boat, my heart is hurting so badly I don’t even care there are people around looking at me oddly, that a lot of them are people who know my family and will surly call my dad or Shel with questions.
When I make it to the end of the pier, I gasp when a hand wraps around my bicep. I look up into Denver’s blank eyes, and my heart cracks then splinters further when he speaks in a voice completely void of emotion. “I’m taking you home, and I don’t want to hear one goddamn excuse as to why I’m not.” I nod once then follow him to his truck. Once we’re both buckled in, he drives to my house, stopping in the driveway without shutting down the engine. “Tell Ly I won’t be able to make it today, that something came up and I had to work.”
My chest aches like a hundred-pound weight has settled on it, and tears make the back of my throat burn as I swallow them down. I keep my head lowered, nod, and then open the door, hopping out of the cab. When I slam the door, I stand there staring at my feet, willing myself to open the door back up to talk to him. No matter how hard I try to work up the courage to face my fears, I don’t. I don’t, because I’m a coward. I don’t, because I don’t have the strength.
With a deep, shaky breath, I walk around the back of his truck then head up my steps to let myself into my house. It’s dark and quiet, and that only adds to the loneliness I’m already feeling. I head down the hall to my bedroom, strip out of my clothes, and then crawl into bed, where I cry until I can’t cry anymore.
_______________
Standing at the top of the sledding hill, I watch Ly and Pen climb onto Ly’s bright orange sled and take off down the muddy snow-covered ground with a scream. When we pulled up here a little over an hour ago and I saw the state of the hill, I wanted to turn around and head home, but I didn’t. I didn’t, because first, Ly was seriously disappointed Denver canceled his plans with her, and second, the reason for Ly’s disappointment was entirely my fault and I needed to make that up to her.
“Okay, I’ve given you enough time. Talk to me.”
At Shel’s quiet demand, I turn to look at her and want to kick myself for the worry I see in her eyes. After I cried this morning, I got up, dressed, and went over to my parents’ to pick up Ly. My dad was at work, but Shel was there, and the minute she saw my face, she knew something happened. When she asked me about it, I told her I’d explain later, and thankfully she let it go. Unfortunately, later is now, and I can tell by the look she’s giving me that she’s not going to drop it until I talk to her.
“I messed up.” I pull my eyes from hers and look back down the hill to where Ly and Pen are now coming back up the muddy trail with the help of my dad. “Yesterday, Denver showed up at the house early, because he heard I was going out on a date.” I see her flinch out of the corner of my eye, and I pull in a breath then look at her. “It’s okay.” I shake my head. “He kissed me and told me he was done waiting for me and that we needed to talk about us.”
“He did that?” she asks, sounding not in shock but in awe.
“He… I… God, Shel. I’ve been in love with him since I can remember, but I don’t want that. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t be with him.” I pull in a shuddering breath and fight back the pain in my chest, the one caused by the lies I’m saying out loud.
“Why not?”
I close my eyes when I feel them start to fill with tears. “He makes me forget everything,” I whisper. “He makes me forget, and I don’t want to.”
“He makes you forget about Gabe.” It’s a statement not a question, and I hate that she knows I can so easily forget about the man I promised myself to.
“Yes, about Gabe, about who I am, about my promise to not end up like my mom.”
“You’re mom? What do you mean?”
“She forgets I exist every time she has a new man in her life.”
Realization fills her eyes and her face softens. “Honey, you’re not your mom, and you’re not going to forget about Lyra just because you find a man you care about.”
“You might be right, but then again, what does it say about me and the way I felt about Gabe that I forget all the years we had together the moment I’m around Denver? It makes me feel like I’m betraying him, like I didn’t love him enough… that I don’t love him enough still.”
“Bre,” she whispers, and I notice tears shimmering in her eyes.
“I’m the only connection Ly has to Gabe. If I forget about him, who will tell her about the kind of man he was?”
“Gorgeous, you will never forget about him. Not ever. And you will never let Ly forget him either. I know you loved him. Everyone knows that. But your life didn’t end when his did, and you know Gabe would’ve never wanted you to be alone. He would have wanted you to find someone to share your life with. He would have wanted you to be happy.”
She wraps her arms around me, and I rest my head on her shoulder as a quiet sob climbs up the back of my throat. Gabe would have wanted me to be happy. He always wanted me happy.
“I know it’s scary to even think about putting your heart on the line,” she whispers against my ear. “But I don’t want you to look back on your life and have regrets, Aubrey. I don’t want you to look at your life in a few years and wish you took a chance. I know what it feels like to live with regrets, honey. I wish I had been braver. Please, for your happiness, be brave, honey.”
“Shel,” I whimper as the pain in her voice causes my chest to hurt. I know she’s speaking from experience. She and my dad gave their son up for adoption when they were just kids themselves, and not long after that, Shel left my dad behind, because she was unable to deal with her pain. I know she regrets leaving, even though without her leaving, my brothers and I probably wouldn’t be here.
“Be brave, beautiful, and I promise—” her arms tighten around me “—promise you it will be worth it.”
“Everything okay?” Dad’s deep voice breaks into the moment, and I quickly stand back from Shel and wipe the tears from my face as she does the same with her own cheeks.
“Everything is fine. You know us, honey. Sometimes us girls just need to have a good cry,” Shel explains.
I peek up at my dad, who doesn’t look convinced, and then look down when tiny arms wrap around my legs. I rest my hand against the top of Ly’s head. “You okay, Mama?” she asks, tipping her head back to look at me.
“Yeah, baby.” I pick her up and look into her eyes that are a mirror of my own. “You’re just getting to be such a big girl. Sometimes it makes me sad to think about it.” That’s not a complete lie; I do get sad from time to time when I think about how much she’s grown up, when I’m forced to think about her becoming an adult and leaving me to start her own life one day.
“You said I’ll always be your baby.”
“You will always be my baby,” I agree, hugging her. “But you’re still getting big.”
“I want to get bigger,” she tells me, looking suddenly serious.
“Why’s that?”
“When I’m bigger, I can have cake whenever I want. Even for breakfast.”
Laughing, I bury my face in her hair and hug her tightly.
“Can Pen and I go down the hill again?” she asks, trying to break free from my hold.
I pull back to look at her once I’ve gained control of myself. “Sure.” I set her to her feet then I watch her drag her sled behind her to the top of the hill. As soon as she’s in place, tucked in front of Pen on the sled, they take off and I listen to their carefree laughter fill the air.
Smiling at the sound, the heavy weight of an arm comes to rest around my shoulders and my dad’s voice fills my ears. “You’re an amazing mom, Aubrey. Lyra is lucky to have you.”
“Dad.” I lean into him, wrapping my arms around his waist.
His lips rest against the top of my head as his quiet words wash over me. “I know it hasn’t been easy raising her these last few years on your own. But—”
“I haven’t been on my own,” I cut him off, looking up at him. “I have you guys and Denv….” My words tapper off, and I close my eyes when I realize something I never realized before.
Denver has been with me from the beginning. We haven’t lived together or been a couple, but he’s been there for Lyra and me anytime we’ve needed him. He stayed with Ly and me for weeks right after she was born. He watched her when I needed a shower, fed her and changed her so I could rest, cooked so I’d eat. And through all that, he acted like there was nowhere else he’d rather be. He’s stayed over each Christmas, helping me put together any toys that needed setting up, and slept on the couch so he could be there to see Ly first thing in the morning when she came down to open her gifts. He’s been to every holiday and every birthday, even mine, and has always made a big deal out of celebrating me when I haven’t wanted to.
“God,” I whisper, feeling my throat tighten as thousands of memories fill my mind. He’s always been here for us and for me. How did I never see that before? I drop my forehead to my dad’s shoulder, and his arm tightens around me. He doesn’t ask what I’m thinking, but then again, maybe he already knows. Feeling physically sick to my stomach, I breathe in though my nose and out through my mouth. I lied to Denver’s face to protect myself, and now I don’t know if I will be brave enough to fix what I broke.
Chapter 6
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Aubrey
I STARE AT MY CELL PHONE and the message I just got back from Mike. I sigh before tossing it down on the coffee table next to my cup of herbal tea. It’s done. My date with him is canceled, and from his return message of I figured this was coming, I should feel relieved he’s not mad, but I don’t, because I should never have agreed to go out with him in the first place.
I lean back and close my eyes, willing the headache building at the back of my skull to go away, and then sit forward, rubbing my hands down my face. I’m tired, really tired, and I just hope I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight. With another long sigh, I stand up off the couch, pick up my half empty mug along with my phone, and take both with me to the kitchen. After dumping the contents of my cup into the sink and placing it in there, I head to my bedroom, shutting off lights along the way.
I turn on the overhead light in my room then walk to my bed, setting down my cell before flipping on the switch to my new metal lamp with a robin’s egg blue shade. I replaced everything in my bedroom a few months ago when I realize I wasn’t doing myself any favors by keeping things as they were. Every time I was in here after Gabe died, it felt like he’d come walking out of the bathroom at any moment, or come join me in bed while I was reading. Unlike the rest of the house that had changed after Ly was born, everything in here was connected to Gabe in some way, since we purchased everything after we got married then collected things over the years.
Shel was the one who finally convinced me it was okay to let go, and I’m so glad she did. The walls that were once a deep blue are now a cream color that looks great with the new lighter furniture. I got rid of the white duvet we had and chose flor
al bedding that has blues, pinks, greens, and yellows. I replaced our dark wood bed with a lighter wood that has a high fabric headboard and metal grommets nailed along the edge. The side tables match the bed, with the same color metal as the grommets on the handles.
I only have one picture on the wall, and it’s one of Ly’s newborn photo in sepia with a white frame. That photo is hung above my dresser, which is catty-corner to the sliding door that leads to the back deck. I spent way too much money on luxury blinds to cover the doors, but they look amazing and were worth every penny, especially in the summer, when it’s light most of the time.
I walk back across the room, turn out the overhead light, and then grab a T-shirt from my dresser, thinking about Denver as I change. I need to apologize to him for the way I acted. I don’t know if I’m ready for what he wants, but I know I need him in my life, and Ly needs him in hers. Once I’m sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed with the blankets pulled up over my lap, I pick up my cell and press Call on Denver’s number. It rings twice before I’m sent to voice mail, and I hang up without leaving him a message.
Resting my phone in my lap, I close my eyes as hot tears start to blur my vision. In the four years Denver has been back in my life, he’s never ignored my calls, and it kills me a little that he did it now, even though I know I deserve it. Having no other choice, I rest my cell on my bedside table, shut off the lamp, and lie down. I don’t fall asleep until the sun starts to peek through the closed blinds, and then I only sleep for about an hour before Ly comes into my room to wake me up.
_______________
Taking a large gulp from my third cup of coffee, I watch Ly, who is on her knees in front of the coffee table, eating a bowl of colorful, sugary cereal while staring at her iPad. The YouTube channel she’s watching is one of her favorites. The guy is a total goof, always dancing and running around some kids’ play center, checking out toys and showing how things work. He must be in his early thirties and is always dressed the same, with an orange and blue hat, glasses, suspenders, and gray pants he tucks into his shoes that are also orange and blue. Watching him, I have to say, even as old as I am, I’m captivated by how entertaining he is.
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