“Honey—”
“Are you in love?” she asks, sounding like the wrong answer will send her into a tantrum.
“Yes,” I answer honestly, because we are, and because if things keep going like we both want them to, we will one day be a family.
“Then I want to call him Dad.” My stomach muscles twist as I stare at my baby. She has always seemed wise beyond her years. Even looking into her eyes when she was just days old, it felt like she already knew everything there was to know about life and how the world works. “Even Grandpa said he’s been my daddy since I was born.”
“Grandpa said that?” I whisper, and she nods.
“Your daddy was Gabe, Ly,” I say gently, and she looks away. I have spoken to her about Gabe since before she was born, and I have talked to her about him as much as possible since she took her first breath. He would have been so happy to find out we were pregnant, and I know he would have been an amazing father to her. As much as I love the love she has for Denver, I don’t want her to forget about Gabe. I move around the counter toward her and crouch close to her side. “I know you never met him, but Gabe is a part of you, and you’re a part of him.”
“But,” she starts, and I reach out, taking her hand, and then lean closer, wrapping my hand around the side of her face. Crap, I’m not even sure how to talk to her about this. “If the time comes and you feel like you want to call Denver Dad, I’m all for that, baby. But let’s wait a little while, ‘kay?”
“Like until after you’re married?”
“Yes, but if you think we need to talk about it before then, we can.”
“Okay.” She smiles then looks back down at the picture she’s been coloring, drops the crayon she had in her hand, and changes it out for a new color.
I watch her, thinking that was strange—not good, not bad, but still awkward. I also think I need to have a talk with my parents and my sister about what they discuss around her, because she obviously hears everything, even when you don’t think she’s paying attention.
With a shake of my head, I go back around to the stove and dump a box of pasta into the water that is already boiling. Once the pasta is done, I mix it with the meat sauce, transfer it into a baking dish, and smother it with mozzarella before putting it in the oven.
When the doorbells rings at ten to six, Ly jumps off her stool, shouting “I’ll get it!” with me right on her heels.
I expect Denver to be on the other side of the door, so when I swing it open without looking to see who’s outside, my body freezes when I see my mom standing on my porch. “Mom?” I drop my eyes to her bag and bite my lip.
“Hey.” She leans in, wrapping her arms around me and giving me a hug. Letting me go, she scoops up Ly, who is totally startled by the grandmother she does not know. “Hey, pretty girl.” She kisses Ly’s cheek. “God, you look just like your mom. Nothing like your dad. Thank god for that.”
“Mom,” I whisper-hiss, not that she notices.
“I decided to come to town for a couple weeks. I thought we should spend some time together and catch up.”
I blink at her as she hands me Ly, picks up her bag, and hauls it into the house before shutting the door.
She did this once or twice in the past when Gabe was alive, dropped by unexpectedly and invited herself to stay awhile. Those times, I had been accommodating, because a part of me was hoping she was going to turn over a new leaf and finally step up to be my mom. I learned after the last time she came and went without a word for months that she didn’t want to spend time with me; she just needed a place to crash.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, as Ly rests her head on my shoulder and her arms tighten around my neck.
“Something smells great. I’m starved.” She pulls off her light jean jacket, tossing it into the darkened front living room, and I hear it land on the couch. “How have you been?” she asks without answering my question.
Anger starts to pump through my blood, but I know I cannot get as pissed as I want to with Ly in my arms. I cannot let Ly see me lose my damn mind. “I’ll be right back.” I don’t look at her. I open the front door, step out, and close it behind me. In my bare feet, I carry Ly in my arm across my front porch, over the gravel between my dad’s house and mine, and right through his front door without knocking.
“Gorgeous?” Dad frowns when he sees me. I don’t say anything to him. I carry Ly upstairs to my sister’s room and push her door open. Like normal, Pen is in bed, reading. She starts to smile when she sees me, but reading the look on my face, her smile fades away.
“Can you hang with your niece for a bit, Pen?” I ask, and she nods. “Baby, stay with Pen. I’ll be back to get you, or Denver will when he gets to the house,” I say, looking into her eyes, and she nods. “Love you.”
“Love you too, Mama,” she whispers. I set her to her feet, turn, and leave the room, shutting the door. I find my dad and Shel at the bottom of the steps when I get there, with their arms curled around each other.
“What’s going on?” Dad asks, narrowing his eyes and giving me a look that I haven’t seen in years. One that says I better tell him or he will ground me for the rest of my life.
“Mom’s over at my place right now. She just showed up with a suitcase, walked in, and greeted me like she’s been seeing me every month for years. Then she picked up Ly and totally freaked her out by being everything that is her.”
“What?” Shel whispers, knowing I haven’t seen my mom since before Gabe died.
“Please tell me you’re fucking kidding me,” Dad bites out, walking to the door and slipping on his boots.
“Don’t.” I grab his arm. “Please don’t. I need to do this. I need to tell her myself how I feel.”
“No, you do not.”
I turn my head when I hear that rumbled, and blink when I see a pissed off Denver standing in the now open doorway.
“Wha—”
“Went to the house. Your mom was there when I walked in. When I asked where you were, she said you took off. I came here knowing this is where you’d be. I just heard everything you said, and no way are you facing that alone, not when you don’t have to.”
“Denver—”
“No. Remember when I said I’d do everything in my power to take care of you? This is part of me doing that.”
“I have to be the one to tell her.”
“I get that, and you can do that. But you’ll have me, your dad, and Shel at your back while you do it.”
“Okay,” I agree, stepping toward him, and I watch as tension drains from his shoulders. If I didn’t already know I love him, I would have figured it out right then. Him feeling so much worry over me talking to the woman who has made me feel unloved and unwanted most of my life, and demanding to be at my back, would have shown me what I already know. “Can we do that now?” I ask, looking into his eyes when he doesn’t move to get out of my way.
“Yeah,” he mutters, before wrapping his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me forward, and dropping a very quick, very hard kiss to my mouth before he leans back to search my eyes. “You got this, baby.”
I nod, but he doesn’t nod back. He slides his heavy arm around my shoulders then walks back to my front door. I hear my dad and Shel coming up the steps as I open the door, and I know by the look on my mom’s face when she sees them and isn’t happy about it. She acted like things were okay between everyone when I was getting married to Gabe, but seeing the anger in her eyes as she looks between Shel and Dad, I know that was all pretend.
“Seriously?” she questions, placing her hands on her hips, her eyes darting from me to my dad, who is now standing at my side, and then back to me. “I didn’t come here for drama.”
“Why are you here?” I ask. “Wait. Never mind. I really don’t care.” I cut her off when her mouth starts to open. “You know my husband died four years ago, right?”
Her face softens slightly. “I know, honey. I—”
“You weren’t here then, when I ne
eded you. You didn’t show when I found out I was pregnant. You didn’t show when I had Ly. I haven’t seen you in years.”
“I know, but—”
“No, I don’t want to hear it, because I no longer care. I no longer need to pretend that you worry about me, that you think about me, or that you want me in your life as badly as I used to want you in mine.”
“I’m your mom.”
“You are? That’s funny.” I laugh, but it’s a sound full of pain, heartache, and empty promises made to a little girl who only ever wanted to be loved. “Funny, because the last time I checked, it was Shel who talked to me about my period, about boys, and about sex. It was Shel who stood at my side, holding my hand when Gabe’s ashes sank to the bottom of the ocean. It was Shel who curled around me as I cried all night. It was Shel who forced me to eat and to shower. It was Shel who held my hand when I heard Ly’s heartbeat for the first time. Shel was the one who came over to take care of me when I had morning sickness so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. It was Shel who showed me how to change a diaper, how to hold a baby. And it was definitely Shel who showed me how to be”—I lean forward and shout—“a mom!”
“Yeah, I know Shel is perfect,” she hisses, cutting her eyes to Shel, and I feel my dad tense. “Always so perfect, so perfect she gave up her first kid. Couldn’t even hack being a mom.”
“Do not fucking go there,” Dad rumbles.
“When Dad told me that he and Shel had given up their baby, you know what I thought?” I ask quietly, and my mom looks at me. “I thought, God, why didn’t my mom give me up? She didn’t even want me. At least if she had done that, I could have had a mom who cared about me.”
“Gorgeous.” Dad’s pain-filled voice cuts through me, and I look up at him.
“I love you, Dad. You’ve been the best dad a girl could ask for. You mean everything to me. Everything. And I would have been lost without you. Please don’t doubt that. Please know how much you mean to me and how grateful I am that I’m your daughter.” I watch his eyes close then feel his hand wrap around mine. Having his love and strength is something I’ve been lucky enough to feel my whole life. I look at my mom. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me, for you to put me first. You never did that. Everything has always been about you, about how you feel or what you want.”
“This is fucked up,” she hisses.
“No, this—you. Showing up at my house is fucked up, especially when we haven’t spoken in forever. You picking up your granddaughter you don’t even know and acting the way you did is fucked up. You having the guts to give Shel—a woman you should be thanking—dirty looks is fucked up. I hope you get yourself together. I really hope you do. But I don’t want you in my life or my baby’s life, and you are really not welcome to stay here in my home.”
“I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this.”
“You need to leave,” Denver says, and she looks at him, her face turning ugly.
“I’m guessing you standing here means she’s finally giving you a shot. I hope you know that without her husband dying, you wou—”
“Get out!” Shel shouts, and my eyes go to her. I see she has tears running down her cheeks. “Get out of this house right now before I put you out.”
“Yeah, like you could do that.”
“Don’t make me prove it to you,” Shel says calmly, and I tense when my mom aggressively steps toward her. “Please. Please do it. You need to learn a lesson.”
“Right.” Mom stops, resting her hands on her hips. “Like you could teach me anything.”
“I could show you a thing or two about love, about the power of it and about the strength of a mother’s devotion. That’s my girl.” Shell points at me. “Mine. And I will go down swinging to protect her, every part of her, even her heart. You might not care about anyone but yourself, but I love her with everything in me. I’m grateful for every second I get with her, and I hate that you’ve had any role in her life.”
“She’s not yours. She’s mine,” Mom seethes.
“You’re wrong. You might have given birth to her, but she’s right.” She points at me again. “It’s been me by her side through everything, and me who will continue to be by her side until the day I die. Honestly, I feel sorry for you, because one day—tomorrow or years from now—when you’re lying on your deathbed, you’re going to realize what you let get away. You’re going to see you have no one to blame but yourself for the fact that your kids don’t want anything to do with you and that you spent your life alone.”
“This is done,” Denver cuts in before my mom can reply. “You need to leave.” He picks up her bag, opens the door, and throws it out onto the porch, where I hear it land then roll down the steps.
“Did you just throw my bag?” she squawks, her voice flabbergasted.
“Get out, or I’ll put you in cuffs and escort you to the station,” Dad says, and my mom, who has never really been my mom, narrows her eyes on him.
“Fuck this,” she mutters, giving Shel another glare before she stomps to the still dark living room and grabs her coat. She doesn’t say anything as she goes, but she does give each of us one last ugly look before she’s gone.
“Gorgeous,” Dad whispers, wrapping his arms around me as I stare at the closed door. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Dad—”
“Fuck, why didn’t you tell me you felt like that?”
“Because you made up for her not being around, and then I had Shel and it didn’t matter anymore,” I confess, and his arms around me squeeze. “I love you, Dad. Please know that, and please know what I felt then, I only felt for a little while.”
“I wish you never felt it at all.”
“I know.” I look up at him then over at Shel. “Is it too late to start calling you mom?” At my question, her chin wobbles and she shakes her head. “Good, I love you, Mom.”
“I know, honey.” She joins my dad and me, and we make room as our arms go around each other in a huddle. I look over Shel’s shoulder at Denver, and the intensity of his gaze makes my heart pick up speed. He’s proud of me. God, yes, I love him.
“I need to go get Ly. I’m sure she’s worried.”
“Right,” Dad mumbles, kissing my forehead before letting me go. And then his arms go tight around Shel, who I hear let out a quiet sob.
When an arm goes around my waist, I look up at Denver and give him a watery smile, but he doesn’t smile back. He touches his mouth to mine then leads me out of the house, leaving Dad and Shel behind.
“So fucking proud of you, baby.” He stops me just outside my dad’s front door with his hands on my hips and his face close to mine. “So fucking proud.”
“Thank you.”
“You feel better?”
My eyes slide close. I do. I didn’t know I needed that until it happened and was done. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I know that part of me being able to do what I just did had to do with having Denver and my parents at my back.
“Baby?”
“I feel relieved it’s done and I don’t have to worry or think about her anymore. I will probably be sad from time to time when I look at Ly and think about what she’s missing out on, but Shel was right. Those are her regrets, not mine, and if she can live with that, then oh well. Her loss.”
“I’m here, whenever you need to talk through that.”
“I know.” I lift up on my tiptoes as he drags me up his body.
“Let’s get our girl.”
I smile as he places his lips against mine, and then we go pick up our girl, who is not traumatized by what happened and is just happy to have Denver and me together.
Chapter 12
_______________
Denver
“BEDTIME, LY,” BRE SAYS, SHUTTING off the TV and uncurling herself from my side on the couch, where I placed her after we all ate dinner before we started watching one of Lyra’s movies.
Ly, who’s lying against the other side of my chest, lif
ts her head to look at her mom. “But mom…?”
“No buts, baby. You know your bedtime, and you have to get up to go to Grandma Joe’s in the morning.”
“Five more minutes?” Ly tries, and I fight back a smile.
“No. Now come on.” Bre stands, and Ly lets out a huff, giving me a hug before hoping off the couch to take her mom’s hand. “I’ll be back.”
“Sure, baby.” I lift my chin and watch both girls disappear.
I go to the kitchen and clean up the dishes from dinner, wrap up the pasta bake, and place it in the fridge before I grab a beer. I lean back against the counter and take a drink while I listen to the girls upstairs, and I smile when I hear them laugh. I’ve been in this house more times than I can count, had dinner here with Bre and Ly hundreds of times since Ly was born, helped Bre clean up dishes or put Ly to bed. But in all those times, I never felt what I’m feeling right now. Happy, complete, full.
“Denver!” I hear shouted by both girls, and I move to the bottom of the stairs and find them looking down at me.
“What’s up?”
“Time to tuck me in and read a story,” Lyra says in a duh-tone, and I laugh.
“I’m coming.” I drop off my beer in the kitchen then head up the stairs. I find both girls in Lyra’s room when I hit the top floor, Lyra in bed and Bre sitting on the edge with a book in her hand. I move to the bed, kiss the top of Lyra’s head, and tuck the blankets around her.
“I love you. I’m glad you’re home.” She hugs me, and I hold her closer, tighter. Home. Christ, she and her mom have been my home forever, but now I get to be that to them too.
“Love you, gorgeous. Have sweet dreams.” I kiss her forehead once more then let her go and stand by the door. I lean against the wall and listen to Bre read, and halfway through the book, I notice Lyra’s eyes haven fallen shut and her breathing has evened out. “She’s out, baby.”
Bre looks at me then Ly and sets the book aside. She kisses her cheek then shuts off her lamp, and when she makes it across the room to me, she takes my hand as I let her lead me back downstairs. I know I’m staying the night. I’m just not sure how Bre will feel about it. My guess—she will tell me that we should wait so Lyra isn’t confused if she wakes up to find me in her mom’s bed.
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