Tori leaned back on the couch, hands folded over her enormous stomach. “I was just looking at degrees. How am I supposed to know what any of that crap means? I don’t know what I want to do.”
“It’s not like you have to decide on a degree up front. Everyone has to take the same general education courses. That’s usually about two full years of classes if you go full time.” Ani chuckled. “Life can be a crapshoot when it comes to choices like that. Most people don’t end up using the degree they studied for anyway.”
“Did you always know what you wanted to do?”
Tori almost never asked Ani about her past unless it had something to do with their parents. “Not really. I had this vision in my head of wearing power suits and having a huge office that overlooked the city. All I knew was I wanted to walk around an office like I owned the place and have people working under me.”
“I guess you got what you wanted.”
“If it’s any consolation, I think I’m in the same boat.” Ani tapped her forefinger against her lips in thought.
“What do you mean?”
Ani almost dismissed the conversation, but work with her therapist had helped her understand it was important to talk about these things with the people in her life. “Being a successful, self-made business woman used to give me satisfaction, but it doesn’t anymore. I’ve been thinking of making a career change, potentially going back to school, but I have no idea what I’d want to do.”
“Really?”
Tori sounded as incredulous as Ani felt. Though she’d been thinking around the edges of this idea, it was the first time she said it out loud. It seemed much more real and a little frightening.
“I’m very lucky not to have to worry about making ends meet. Doing what I do is lucrative, but I’ve never been passionate about it.”
“Maybe you should enroll in the spring semester instead of me.”
“Maybe we can both enroll.”
Tori scowled, but there was no heat behind the look. Then her features pinched, and she gasped.
“Tori?”
Her sister held one hand out in a stopping motion. “I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth. Her other hand went to the apex of her belly and she hunched over.
“Are you having contractions?” Ani ignored her sister’s hand and stepped to her side.
“No. It’s too early.”
“You’re thirty-eight weeks, sweetheart. That’s not too early.”
Tori shook her head a bit frantically and straightened up. “See? It’s gone now. I’m fine.”
“Tori—”
“I’m fine!” She sounded like she was about to panic.
Ani knelt at Tori’s feet and tried to catch her sister’s eyes. “Was that the first one?”
“No.” Tori bit her lip. “But it’s those other contractions. What are they called?”
“Braxton-Hicks?”
“It’s just that.”
“When was the last one you had?”
Tori hesitated. “Ten minutes maybe.”
Ani’s stomach twisted. She gave Tori’s knee a comforting squeeze. “This might be the real thing.”
“No. It’s too early,” she said. “Raphe isn’t here. He needs to be here.”
Raphe had been sent up north for three days of training. He’d hated to go, but Tori had put her foot down, positive at that point that she was going to be pregnant forever. “It’s okay,” Ani said in a soothing tone. “We’ll call him. This might take a while. He can still make it.”
“It’s too early.” Tori’s tone was sharp, but her lower lip trembled, and the only thing Ani saw in her eyes was naked fear.
She perched on the arm of the chair and gathered Tori into her arms. Her sister started to cry. “It’s okay, baby. It’s going to be fine. I’ve got you, and I’m going to be there every second. It’s going to be okay,” she murmured, stroking Tori’s hair. “I won’t leave you. I promise.”
“Agh. Fuck. This kid is trying to kill me.” Tori threw her head back on the scratchy hospital pillow as another contraction loosened its hold on her. She closed her eyes and caught her breath, appreciative of her sister’s hand in hers.
“Fast labor is good, I think. I was in labor for a solid twenty hours with Mara.”
Tori opened her eyes. Ani’s voice hadn’t wavered, but there was a telling tightness at the corners of her eyes. Maybe it was the mood swings—if they’d been bad before, labor had brought a whole new range to Tori’s emotions—but she was so grateful Ani was there, she almost burst into tears. Again. True to her word, Ani hadn’t left her, not even once. She had to be hungry—it had been hours—but she hadn’t complained. She let Tori squeeze the hell out of her hand during the contractions and soothed her fear with soft conversation in between.
Tori sniffled. “Raphe needs to get here. He’s going to miss it.”
“Maybe not.” Ani patted her hand. “His plane is landing in twenty minutes. He might make it yet.”
Tori was worried. And scared. And she just wanted this whole thing to be over, but at the same time, she wasn’t ready.
She was needy for Raphe, and that wasn’t good. She needed to be able to leave the baby with him and take off, free of guilt. For weeks now, her thoughts had gone around in circles, making her dizzy. Irrevocable consequences were a hellish idea.
She was distracted by Ani’s fingers, gentle as she pushed a sweaty strand of hair away from Tori’s face. “Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me cut school to be there when you were born.”
Tori rolled her head to look at her sister. “You were troublesome even then,” Ani said. “Mom went through full labor with you, dilated to ten, and all that. She was in labor for over twelve hours only to have to have a C-section anyway.”
Tori didn’t know whether she wanted to laugh, cry, or beg for surgery. She settled on a strangled laugh that turned into a sigh. “I wish she were here.” It was a ridiculous thing to say. She didn’t remember much about her mother. “It might be nice for her to see karma coming back to bite me.”
Ani’s smile was soft, and she cupped Tori’s cheek. “They would be proud of you, sweetheart.”
Tori was about to answer, but another contraction hit. She reached for Ani and cursed under her breath.
As that contraction faded, there was a knock at the door. “Hey, can I come in?”
Tori groaned when she saw Shane. “What are you still doing here? You’re supposed to get Raphe from the airport.”
“See, that’s the benefit of having a boyfriend. You make him do all the grunt work so you can be where you want to be.”
“Ian’s here?” Ani asked.
“Technically he’s headed for the airport.” Shane gave her an apologetic look. “Indy wanted to be here. She’s out in the waiting room. Ian said he’d keep his distance.”
Whatever Ani might have said died on her lips when Tori gave a short scream, another contraction coming on the heels of the last. After a few seconds, Tori realized this one wasn’t quite the same as the others. Fear and adrenaline were overwritten by an inherent need. She shook her head back and forth. “I need to . . . I want to push.”
Time got fuzzy.
There were urgent voices—Shane, Ani, nurses, her doctor. There was a tremendous amount of pain and a hurricane-force pressure that hit the center of her body. Shane was on her right and Ani on her left, both telling her she was doing great and it was almost over.
And then the seriously pissed off cry of a baby.
There was a flurry of activity as the impossibly tiny being was toweled off. The world had gone out of focus, the sounds around her warping. The only thing she saw was her baby, and the only thing she heard was her hearty cry. And a moment later, all she felt was the slight weight they placed on her chest.
She was slimy and wrinkled and gross, and yet Tori’s breath caught in her throat because the baby was also exquisite. Her fingers trembled as she reached out to
touch the little thing. Nine months, all this drama, and Tori still couldn’t believe she was real.
Ani kissed her temple, and Tori remembered the rest of the world existed. “Look at her, Tori. She’s beautiful.”
Tori was whimpering almost as much as the baby.
Another burst of activity and the cord was cut. Tori gave a little cry of protest as the baby was whisked away, but the doctor assured her it was just for a minute. Ani and Shane patted her arms and rubbed her shoulders.
When the nurse returned with the baby, Tori was both desperate to hold her again and scared out of her mind that she was going to do something wrong.
“You got it, honey,” the nurse said in a sing-song voice. She laid the blanketed baby in Tori’s arms. “Just like that. You’re fine.”
Tori watched the baby blink, watched her lips move, and watched her tiny fingers curl.
Fascinated.
Frightened.
“I’m going to tell Indy and see where Raphe is,” Shane said. He squeezed her shoulder. “You done good, kid.”
Tori hardly heard him. She was enraptured by the warm, squirming girl in her arms.
The emotion welling in her was too big, too much. Her body couldn’t possibly withstand the enormity of it. She was going to collapse under its weight. Yet with it came a cloying feeling, a need, a desperation. She couldn’t lose this baby. She couldn’t bear to be without her. In an instant, the idea became abhorrent, and she was terrified the baby was going to be yanked out of her arms.
Tori looked up, finding Ani still beside her. “I want her. Please, can I keep her? Please?”
“Of course. Of course. Shh.” Ani wiped away her tears. “Of course you can keep her. You’re her mother, Tori. She’s yours.”
“But we don’t have anything. I was so stupid. I should have let you set up a nursery.”
“Don’t worry about that. You’re not stupid. I’ll take care of it. I promise.”
For once, Tori let herself believe Ani without second-guessing. Her concentration shifted to the baby.
Her daughter.
Hers.
Two hours later, Tori felt more like herself. Kind of. A painfully uncertain, ultra-protective version of herself, but she wasn’t quite as emotional as she had been.
Raphe stood by the window with his daughter in his arms.
“You sure you’ll be okay?” Ani asked for at least the fifth time.
Tori gave her sister an impatient look. “We’ll be fine. You haven’t eaten or anything.” Ani needed to stretch and sleep and do whatever she had to do to prepare overnight for bringing a newborn baby home.
Ani kissed her forehead. “Call me if you need me. It doesn’t matter what time.”
Her sister wasn’t out the door before Tori’s eyes found her baby again. She twisted the scratchy hospital blanket between her fingers, wondering for the millionth time if she was doing the right thing.
Raphe sat on the edge of her bed. Tori was distracted by the goofy and gorgeous grin he had been wearing since he first laid eyes on his daughter. He held the baby in one arm and traced her miniature features with the pad of his finger. He glanced at the clock.
“Well, little girl. You are officially two hours and twenty-three minutes old. What are your thoughts so far? I know this room isn’t impressive. There aren’t a lot of nice things to look at in a hospital room, but you can’t focus anyway, so don’t be such a snob.”
Tori snorted. “You’re ri-goddamn-diculous, you know that?”
He stood again and settled into the chair beside the bed. He smiled at his daughter. “For your information, all this crazy hair—” he ran his finger over the tufts of dark hair that peeked out from underneath her knit green cap “—is your mother’s fault. I was bald as Mr. Clean when I was born.”
Tori touched the fine hair, proud she might have passed on anything to the baby. The little girl was the most amazing thing she’d ever seen, and Tori was a part of her.
“You really haven’t thought of any names?” she asked.
“I wanted us to decide together,” he said.
“But you must have thought about it. Tell me.”
“I like Carina because it means love. And Gabriela because it was my grandmother’s name, and I’ve always thought it was beautiful.”
Tori turned those names over in her head. “Carina Gabriela Diego,” she said, trying it out. “I like that.”
Raphe looked startled. “Really?”
“Yeah.” She drew her finger down her sleeping daughter’s arm. “Carina. Carí.” Tori leaned on the r, making the sound more like Raphe’s light Mexican accent rather than the Americanized version. She looked up at him with a shy smile. “Okay?”
His grin was blinding. “Yeah. That’s perfect.” He looked back to the baby in his arms, bringing her up so he could kiss her. “Welcome to the world, mi hija Carina bonita.” He stood, his expression tender. “Thank you, chiquita. Thank you.” He kissed Tori.
Tori was beginning to believe happiness existed. They were quick flashes, and she didn’t trust they could last, but she was learning to enjoy what she got.
In that moment, with Raphe’s adoring kiss and their baby warm between them, all was right in the world.
Chapter 28: Finding Purgatory
“I’m pretty sure you’re the most spoiled baby in history, Carí. Look at that tree. If you can roll over, you can see all your presents. Now that’s incentive.”
Almost three and a half months after their daughter’s birth, the way Raphe was with her had yet to stop amusing Tori. The boy was a goner for his kid.
“Look, mija.” He rolled over from his back to his belly. “You can do it. Like Daddy.”
Carí would not be cajoled. She was content on her back, staring up at her father as she blew spit bubbles and cooed.
Raphe’s ease with their baby made Tori jealous. Even though Carí spent most nights with her and Ani, Raphe came over early in the morning and often left late, fitting in work and the one class he’d kept for the semester in between. The baby just seemed happier when Raphe was around, which he told her was ridiculous. Carí, he claimed, was just as happy and excitable around Tori as she was with him.
It was just that Tori had yet to figure out the whole motherhood gig. The first six weeks had been hellish even with Ani helping and Raphe camping out in the guest bedroom. More than once, Tori had been reduced to tears with the sick sensation she’d backed herself into a corner she couldn’t escape. Ani said every mother felt unfit and unprepared, but Tori remained unconvinced. She was never as comfortable with the baby as Raphe.
Raphe gathered the baby into his arms and got to his feet. “Okay, stubborn one. You’re so like your momma. If you won’t roll over, how about a smile? Will you smile for Daddy?” He tickled her tummy, and Carí gifted him with a slobbery baby grin. Delighted, Raphe peppered her face with kisses. “You’re good to me, mija.”
Tori rolled her eyes. “You tickled her. That’s cheating.”
Raphe winked at her before he gave Carí one more daddy-sized smooch. Then he passed the baby to Tori.
“Put her in the bouncy thing,” Tori said, but even as she protested, she shifted Carí into a more secure position in her arms.
Raphe fixed her with a look. “You’ve got her.”
She always expected Carí to start crying. Tori shifted the baby to her shoulder, watching warily, but her daughter remained just as happy in her arms as she had been in Raphe’s.
“See?” He sounded smug, and Tori felt a prickle of irritation. She defrosted a moment later when he cupped his hand over her elbow, guiding her forward for a lingering kiss. “I’ll be back after my shift.”
It sucked to watch him walk out the door. She pushed onto her tiptoes and kissed him again. “Hurry up and leave so you can get back quicker.”
His smile warmed her, and he gave her one last peck on the cheek before he was gone.
Raph
e kept his promise not to push her. He kissed her when the mood struck him—sweet kisses that weren’t meant to lead anywhere Tori wasn’t ready to go yet. When she took initiative and kissed him, his grin could have lit the moon. Still getting into the swing of parenthood, they hadn’t had time to date. They made do with weekends spent curled together on the couch and stolen moments in between naps. Tori wasn’t convinced it would last, but it wasn’t bad.
Carí squalled, catching her mother’s attention. Tori made a face. “Christ, why do you like spitting so much, hmm?” She wiped at the baby’s mouth with her sleeve. “It can’t be comfortable.” She sat cross-legged on the floor and laid the baby across her knees. Carí waved her fisted hands, making baby noises.
It was strange how just watching her move could be so fascinating. Carí looked back at her and smiled, kicking her feet with a happy cry.
Tori caught her daughter’s flailing hands and let Carí’s chubby fingers curl around two of hers. “Why do you look at me like that, Carina? Don’t you know I’m bound to mess this up for you? I have to tell you, kid, it’s a weird thing to think about something lasting the rest of my life. That’s how long I’m going to be your mom. Lucky you, huh?”
Carí yawned, unconcerned.
They were only alone for a few minutes before the doorbell rang. Tori opened the door to find Indy, baby Jett, and Brooklyn on the other side. Brook’s face lit up, and she held her arms out for Carí. Tori rolled her eyes as she handed her daughter over. “Nice to see you too, B.”
Brook spared a grin for her friend, but then she bounced into the house communing with the baby in the high-pitched nonsense-talk Tori wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else.
“Carí’s smoothing out,” Indy said as they settled in the living room.
“Yeah. I told her the wrinkled look wasn’t doing her any favors. I’m all for personal fashion sense, but this is much cuter.”
“Ah, don’t listen to your mom, Carí. You were always cute.” Brook lifted the baby to her face for a butterfly kiss. She pouted. “Look, I’m the only one who doesn’t have one of these.”
Finding Purgatory Page 22