“Why don’t you let me worry about that? Besides, there’s nothing that says it will happen again. If we truly love each other, we can work through anything.”
“I thought Gregory and I were in love. I dearly love my father and my sister. And still I hurt them deeply.”
He couldn’t believe it. How could the usually clear-sighted, no-nonsense woman be so completely blind? It was almost as if she didn’t want to see the truth. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit melodramatic?”
She stiffened. “I beg your pardon.”
He’d got her riled. But he liked her this way much better than cowed and dejected.
Perhaps now he could finally talk some sense into her.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Janell couldn’t believe he’d turn on her this way. Didn’t he understand how serious this really was?
Before she could gather her wits about her enough to respond, he spoke again. “Disappointments happen,” he said. “I’m sure, at one time or another, those you love have hurt or disappointed you, perhaps deeply. But something tells me you’ve forgiven them those hurts, have gotten beyond those disappointments. So why do you think when the reverse happens that your loved ones won’t be strong enough to extend you the same trust? I’m sure your father and your sister forgave you long ago. As for your ex-husband—” he nearly spit out the word “—he doesn’t qualify as a loved one.”
He was obviously oversimplifying matters. “You just don’t understand.” She heard the querulous note in her own voice and it brought her up short.
“You’re right—I don’t. Because it sounds to me as if you’ve grown comfortable with being a martyr.”
She shot out of her chair and glared at him. “You are entitled to your opinion, Hank Chandler, but I don’t have to sit here and listen to it. So, if you will excuse me, I need to meet Lizzie at the boardinghouse.” Then she spun on her heel and walked away.
But she could feel Hank’s gaze on her for the entire time it took her to reach the door.
Her irritation with his totally undeserved accusations carried her all the way to the boardinghouse. As if she actually could ever be comfortable with being a so-called martyr—ridiculous! He didn’t know her at all if that was what he thought.
She stormed up the boardinghouse porch steps and had her hand on the door before she realized Lizzie was sitting on the porch swing with Olivia on her lap.
Lizzie gave her a knowing smile. “It looks like someone had an interesting morning.”
Janell deliberately calmed her breathing and put Hank, along with his outrageous accusation, out of her mind. “Nothing to be concerned with. You should have waited inside in the parlor.”
Lizzie stood, resting Olivia against her shoulder. “It’s such a nice day, I was happy to wait out here. I can’t believe the weather here is so mild at Christmastime.”
As Janell led her inside the boardinghouse, Lizzie’s words conjured up memories of other Christmases, memories of her and Lizzie wearing fur-trimmed coats and snug woolen hats, playing in the snow or skating on the ice. Life had been a lot simpler then.
They hadn’t made it as far as the staircase when Mrs. Ortolon came bustling forward from the direction of the kitchen. “Oh, hello, Janell. I see you have a couple of visitors.”
“Eunice Ortolon, I’d like you to meet my sister, Elizabeth Hastings, and her daughter, Olivia.” Janell turned to her sister. “Lizzie, Mrs. Ortolon is my landlady.” She’d warned Lizzie earlier that Eunice was a bit of a busybody.
Lizzie nodded to the other woman. “Pleased to meet you, ma’am. From what I’ve seen so far, you have a lovely place here.”
Eunice preened a bit. “Well now, aren’t you a dear. I do pride myself on keeping a nice place. In fact, I’m thinking about entering the town’s decorating contest.”
Janell frowned. “But I thought that was just for businesses.”
The woman drew herself up. “A boardinghouse is a place of business.”
“Yes, of course.” The last thing Janell wanted was to get into a war of semantics with the landlady.
Olivia started fussing to get down and Lizzie gave the woman one of her more charming smiles. “I hope you’ll excuse me. Nelly is taking us up to see her room and this little tyrant is eager to do some exploring of her own.”
“Of course. You have a nice visit and feel free to use the kitchen if you should like a cup of tea.”
Janell hid a grin. She’d never seen Mrs. Ortolon let a target of her curiosity go quite so easily. But Lizzie had always been able to charm even the stodgiest of souls with that smile of hers. It seemed the years and circumstances hadn’t done anything to dim that talent.
As she escorted her sister upstairs, by necessity their conversation ceased. Lizzie couldn’t read her lips if Janell walked ahead of her.
So she was left with her thoughts, thoughts that turned back to her conversation with Hank. He’d been so achingly sweet and supportive when she’d told him her secret. She hadn’t believed how quickly he’d brushed aside any qualms. His immediate reaction to believe the best of her, to try to defend her, had touched the wounded places inside her and provided a much-needed balm.
Then to have turned on her so abruptly simply because she wouldn’t change her stand had felt like a slap in the face.
When they reached the second-floor landing, she was able to turn and talk to Lizzie again. “Just down here,” she said, sweeping her arm to the left. She quickly moved to the second door and opened it, allowing her sister to precede her inside.
As soon as Lizzie stepped across the threshold, she set down her daughter. Olivia happily began to crawl around and explore her new surroundings.
Lizzie straightened and looked around and Janell tried to see it from her sister’s eyes. It was a large room, with her sleeping area, off to the right, taking up about a third of the space. The rest of the room was divided between a seating area with a love seat and two comfortable chairs flanking a low rectangular table, and a work area that had a desk and chair. It wasn’t fancy but it was well suited to her life.
Lizzie gave her a delighted smile. “It’s charming.”
Janell smiled as she fetched a little rag doll one of her students had made for her last Christmas and gave it to Olivia to play with.
She turned to find Lizzie examining her current sewing project that lay atop her desk.
Her sister held up the nearly finished girl’s dress. “Is this for Chloe?”
Janell nodded. “It’s her Christmas present. Most of her things were destroyed in the explosion and I thought she’d like to have something pretty to wear.”
Not wanting to think about the Chandler household right now, she changed the subject. “So where are Wilfred and Elliott?” she asked.
Lizzie plopped down in one of the overstuffed chairs and Olivia immediately began crawling in her direction, dragging the doll with her. “Wilfred found out there’s a good fishing spot just north of town, so he took Elliott out to have a go at it.” She grinned as she reached down to stroke her daughter’s hair. “I’m not the only one enjoying the milder temperatures you have down here.”
Janell smiled. “Just one of the many lovely things Turnabout has to recommend itself.”
“I can see you love it here.”
Janell nodded. “I am blessed to have landed here when I left home. God was truly looking out for me.”
“I’m happy for you, but we’ve all missed you. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” Janell hadn’t realized just how much until she saw her sister step off that train.
Lizzie’s expression sobered, turned diffident. “Your invitation for me to come here... Was it just for Chloe’s sake, or dare I believe you’ve finally forgiven me?”
The question set Janell
back. “Forgiven you? Whatever for?”
Lizzie made a sharp movement with one of her hands. “Don’t pretend. I know you blamed me for what happened. If I hadn’t been so selfish and needy, Gregory would never have divorced you.”
Janell hurried over to her sister and knelt in front of her chair, taking her hands. “Oh, Lizzie honey, I never blamed you for that.”
“Didn’t you? I said awful things to you, things that gave you little choice but to stay with me. And because you stayed, Gregory divorced you.”
“What happened was more about the kind of man Gregory was, about his need to control and to be the center of attention, than about anything you did. My staying may have been the catalyst for him seeking a divorce, but the choice to return to him when he demanded it was always mine to make.”
Lizzie’s gaze searched her face, as if seeking the truth there. “Are you sure you never blamed me, aren’t still blaming me?”
“Of course I’m sure. And I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel that way. It wasn’t my intention.”
Lizzie threw her arms around her. “Oh, Nelly, you have no idea what a burden you’ve just lifted from me. All this time I’ve been thinking—”
Janell gave her a squeeze then gently pushed back so her sister could read her lips. “If only I’d realized sooner, I would have cleared the air long ago.”
Lizzie gave her shoulders a squeeze, then leaned back. “The important thing is that it’s behind us now.” Then she frowned. “But if you didn’t blame me, why ever did you stay away?”
“Surely you noticed all the whispering and finger-pointing that happened after the divorce.” Janell stood. “Some of Mother and Father’s friends stopped coming around and Mother withdrew from some of the social and charitable groups she’d belonged to for years. All because of me.” She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice. “I figured if I stayed away, eventually people would forget and all of you could regain some of what you’d lost.”
It was Lizzie’s turn to stand and take her hands. “Nelly, do you honestly think any of us value even one of those shallow friendships above you?” She gave Janell’s hands a squeeze. “And it’s not just me. Mother and Father miss you, too. Father insists we must respect your wish to stay away, but every year at Christmas he makes certain Cook prepares some of your favorite dishes, just in case you have a change of heart and return for a visit.” She made a face. “Even Aunt Dorothea’s awful fruitcake recipe that none of the rest of us will eat.”
Janell tried to absorb what her sister was saying. It was throwing her world off-kilter, rearranging long-held perspectives on what had happened six years ago and the aftermath since.
“As for those so-called friends,” Lizzie continued, “a few of the groups have invited Mother back in, but she’s declined. She says that she won’t belong to any organization that wouldn’t let her daughter in as well.”
Had she truly endured this self-imposed exile from her family all this time for no reason?
“Did you love him?”
Lizzie’s out-of-the-blue question caught her off guard. “What?”
“Did you love him—Gregory, I mean?”
Janell thought about how to answer that as she studied her niece, sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, happily gumming the rag doll. Then she turned back to her sister. “I thought I did, especially at first. But I know now that that was just a youthful infatuation, not a true, abiding love.”
“Like the one you have for Hank, you mean.”
There was no point denying it any longer, so Janell nodded. “Yes. Not that that matters.”
“Of course it matters. Especially because he loves you, too. It’s plain as day in the way he looks at you and acts around you. You deserve to be happy, Nelly. Truly happy, the way Wilfred and I are.”
“But it’s too late.”
“Of course it’s not too late. Just let him know how you feel. Sometimes all a man needs is a little encouragement.”
“Actually, he proposed to me this morning, just before I returned here.”
Her sister drew herself up. “Janell Catherine Whitman, are you telling me you turned him down? No wonder you looked so upset when you stormed up the front porch a few minutes ago.”
Janell nodded. “For the third time,” she admitted in a small, miserable voice.
“Third time.” Lizzie tugged on her hands, drawing her to the love seat and then sitting beside her.
“And this time I had to tell him about the divorce, so he would understand.”
Lizzie’s expression hardened. “And that made him pull back? Oh, Nelly, I’m so sorry.”
Janell shook her head. “Actually, he was able to get past that with more ease than I expected. He said it didn’t matter to him.”
“And still you turned him down. Why would you do such a thing when you both so obviously love each other? And don’t try to tell me he prefers Cassie Lynn because I won’t believe that.”
“I don’t want to make another mistake like I did with Gregory. And I don’t want to disappoint him the way I did you and Father.”
Lizzie gave her a stern look. “First, do you honestly think he’s the same kind of man as Gregory? Or that you could go into a marriage so blindly again?”
Janell shook her head.
“And second, what in the world do you mean, disappointing me and Father?”
“Father didn’t want me to marry Gregory. I’ll never forget his expression just before he walked me down the aisle. He actually told me it was okay if I wanted to back out, even at the last minute.”
“He was only trying to protect you. How could you think it would make him love you less just because you were unable to see past Gregory’s facade the way he could?”
Janell was finding it difficult to keep from squirming. This was beginning to sound uncomfortably similar to what Hank had said earlier. “Not love me less, exactly. But be hurt and disappointed by my actions.”
“Perhaps. But if so, he’s long since forgiven you. And to be honest, he’s been much more hurt and disappointed by the fact that you’ve stayed away so long.”
That set her back on her heels, figuratively speaking. Had her efforts to protect her parents only heaped hurt on them instead?
“And as for you disappointing me, that’s ridiculous. After the way you stayed by me when I needed you most, at great personal cost, and me acting so unappreciative at the time, I’d say it was the other way around.”
“But when you asked for me, before you lost your hearing, I didn’t come. Perhaps, if I’d been there—”
“Nothing would have changed. I’d still be deaf today.”
“You don’t know that. If my being there had kept you from getting so agitated and overwrought, perhaps the disease would have taken a gentler toll on you.”
“But probably not. Nelly, my being deaf is not your fault. And yes, I have regrets and fears about never hearing music or laughter or even my babies’ cries. But there’s a huge blessing this has brought me as well. Because if I’d never lost my hearing, I would never have met and fallen in love with Wilfred, and I wouldn’t have our two wonderful children. So no, I wouldn’t trade the life I have now in order to get my hearing back.”
Lizzie shook her head. “You’ve taken on too much of the responsibility for our happiness on yourself—no one expected or even wanted you to do that. Let it go. Allow yourself to find the same happiness Wilfred and I have.”
Janell stared at her sister. What she was saying was what Janell longed to hear, but she knew believing such things would be akin to wishful thinking. She had to hold tight to what she knew to be true.
She finally gave Lizzie a promise to think it over and her sister left, only slightly mollified.
Once alone again, Janell became restless, unable to focus on
anything. Deciding she needed some fresh air, she headed out to take a walk. Janell closed her eyes, trying to focus on everything she’d been told today. Were Hank and Lizzie right? Had she deliberately sought out the role of martyr, perhaps to punish herself for the failure of her marriage? Then she remembered Mrs. Collins’s words about pride disguised as humility and the cost it could exact. Her fingers toyed with the cameo as she began to understand a bit of what Hank’s aunt had tried to tell her.
She looked up and found herself standing outside the Blue Bottle.
With a nod of determination, Janell stepped inside.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Janell sat across the table from Eve, sipping on a cup of tea in her friend’s kitchen. She’d just poured out a jumbled explanation about the conversations she’d had with Hank and Lizzie and her own confused thoughts and feelings.
She leaned back, waiting for a response, and thought wryly that it would be a miracle if Eve could make any sense of her ramblings at all.
Eve fingered the rim of her cup. “So he finally kissed you, did he?”
Janell shot her friend an exasperated glare. “Didn’t you hear anything else that I said?” Was that an amused twinkle in her friend’s eyes?
“You finally admitted to yourself that you are in love with Hank. He proposed to you for the third time. You confessed your past to him and he didn’t think the less of you for it. You and your sister cleared up all the misunderstandings between you, and she never resented you as you thought she did. And, oh yes, Hank’s aunt warned you against the dangers of false pride. It sounds to me as if things are finally working out for you as they should.”
Janell frowned. “You’re simplifying matters.”
“And you’d prefer it be more complicated?”
“It is more complicated. Don’t you see? I’m worried about disappointing Hank and the children.”
The Holiday Courtship Page 22