“What I see,” her friend said gently, “is that what you’re really worried about, deep inside, is getting hurt again.”
Janell stiffened. “How can you say that?”
Eve reached over and took her hands. “Opening yourself up to people is scary because it makes you vulnerable. But, Janell, don’t you see? It is also one of the most beautiful and fulfilling things you can experience. Don’t cheat yourself of that gift just because you were hurt once before.”
Janell let her friend’s words settle inside of her and slowly her defensiveness melted. All of them—Hank, Lizzie, Eve, even Mrs. Collins—had been trying to tell her the same thing; she just hadn’t wanted to listen.
But she was listening now.
She met her friend’s steady gaze. “What if it’s too late?”
Eve smiled. “I don’t know Hank very well, but I think he might be open to a change of heart on your part.” She smiled archly. “But if he’s already proposed three times, then it might take a little more than a few dropped hints to get him to do it a fourth time.”
Janell agreed—there wasn’t any might about it. After the way he’d looked at her just before she walked out of the schoolroom, she knew he wouldn’t make it easy on her.
“Does this mean you’re going to stop hiding behind your past?” Eve’s question held a note of hopefulness.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Janell was still afraid to trust her feelings just now. “There’s someone I need to speak to first.”
Eve stood. “Well then, there’s no time like the present. And remember, the true, cherishing love of an honorable, God-fearing man is something worth fighting for, regardless of the outcome.”
Janell couldn’t agree more.
* * *
Hank kicked at a rock whose only sin was being in his path. When he’d left the schoolhouse earlier he’d turned away from town, needing a long walk to clear his head, but it hadn’t helped much. Janell had trusted him with her story and it had been something so unexpected he was still trying to digest it all. She’d been hurt, and hurt deeply, and he had wanted nothing more than to go out and slay her dragons for her. Only it turned out the biggest dragon was one lodged deep within her own heart.
He knew his words had hurt her, and a part of him deeply regretted that, but he’d hoped to shock her into seeing what she was doing to herself, to both of them.
But he’d failed. In fact, had only succeeded in pushing her further away. He wasn’t sure where he could go from here.
One decision he had made during his long walk, however, was that he couldn’t marry Cassie Lynn. It wouldn’t be fair to the young girl to trap her into a loveless marriage, no matter how willing she might be at the moment. She should have the chance to find someone who would love her as she deserved. He planned to tell her that as soon as he arrived home—no point in dragging this out now that he’d made the decision.
It probably wasn’t going to be an easy conversation to have, especially since she had such strong feelings against returning to her father’s home. But he hoped his assurances that she was welcome to continue in their current arrangement until she could find other work would go a long way toward easing any disappointment she might feel.
He entered through the back door and found Cassie Lynn in the kitchen, placing a pie in the oven. Smudge was in a corner near the stove, licking at one of his paws.
He and Cassie Lynn exchanged greetings. Then he looked around. “Where are the kids?”
“There’s some new puppies over at the Tucker place and they wanted to go see them. Don’t worry. The oldest Tucker girl, Fern, is with them. She promised to keep a close eye on them and walk them home later. You don’t mind, do you?”
He shook his head. A part of him was a little concerned about their being out on their own, but he knew that was foolish. Children their age freely roamed among neighboring houses all the time. Mostly he was pleased to know that they were beginning to act as if this was home.
He jammed his hands in his pockets and met her gaze. “Actually, that’s good because there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Before you do, there’s something I need to tell you as well.”
Hank leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms, willing to delay his news by a few minutes. “I’m listening.”
“I’m afraid I can’t marry you after all.”
Hank straightened and dropped his hands. This wasn’t at all what he’d expected. “May I ask why?”
“Because it’s obvious to anyone who has a pair of eyes in his head that you’re in love with the schoolteacher and she’s in love with you, and I don’t aim to get in the way of that.”
She said all of that in the most matter-of-fact manner, as if it was a well-known fact. Were his feelings really so obvious to everyone?
Hank pulled his focus back to the young woman standing in front of him. “So what are you going to do? If you want to stay on here as housekeeper, I won’t be able to pay you much, but—”
She held up a hand. “Thanks, but that won’t be necessary. I heard Mrs. Fuller was looking for someone to help out at her restaurant since her second baby came along. I already talked to her about it and I’m going to start working with her right after Christmas.”
Cassie Lynn was definitely a girl who wasn’t afraid to go after what she wanted.
“Then I wish you well. And I want you to know how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me and the kids this past week.”
“I’ve enjoyed it—I mean that. Those are some mighty good kids you’ve got yourself, and they’re lucky to have you, too. And Miss Whitman, of course.”
He was afraid the kids’ only interaction with Miss Whitman in the future would be at school. After their conversation this morning, he couldn’t see her spending any time here in his home.
“So what was it you wanted to speak to me about?”
Hank looked up and gave her a crooked smile. “The same thing, actually.”
She nodded, as if pleased. “Glad to hear it. You and Miss Whitman belong together.”
There was no point saying more than necessary. “That remains to be seen.”
Before she could say more, he changed the subject. “If you need me I’ll be out back, checking on Hector.”
It seemed that after Christmas it was going to be just him and the kids. He hadn’t figured out how to make that work yet, but he had more confidence now that he could find a way.
And he had Janell to thank for that.
* * *
“Please have a seat.” Reverend Harper waved Janell toward one of the leather chairs in front of his desk as he settled into his own chair. “Now, what can I do for you?”
“There’s a matter I’m struggling with that I’d like to get your perspective on.”
“Of course.”
How did she start? “It concerns something that happened before I ever moved to Turnabout, something I’ve put off dealing with.” She sat up straighter. “I’ve gone through a divorce.” To her relief, she saw a flicker of surprise in the reverend’s face, but no judgment.
“I see. And since I assume the issue you wish to discuss with me relates to this, would you mind explaining the circumstances that led up to your divorce.”
Janell gave him a more succinct, less emotional summary of the story she’d related to Hank earlier and then leaned back in her chair. How would he react?
He seemed to ponder her words for a few moments. Then he finally leaned forward. “First, let me say that you have my most sincere sympathy. You were put in a very difficult position at a time in your life when you were quite vulnerable. Based on what you’ve told me, this divorce was not something you sought or wanted. And let me remind you that the God we serve is a loving and forgiving God.” He leaned back with a gen
tle smile. “But you have yet to tell me what particular issue you are struggling with at this time.”
“I’ve fallen in love with a man who is strong and honorable and God-fearing.”
“And you want to know if you are free to marry again.”
“Yes.”
He put his hand on the large, well-used Bible sitting on one corner of his desk. “The good book is clear on the conditions under which divorce is permissible, which are mainly adultery or desertion. Some argue that these same conditions also make it permissible to remarry. And one interpretation of your story would indicate that your former husband deserted you—especially given that he has subsequently remarried, making reconciliation between you a near impossibility.”
He spread his hands. “But ultimately this is a personal decision that is between you and God. Only He knows what is truly in your heart, and only He can give you the answers you seek.”
Then he gave her a questioning look. “And of course, it is something that should be discussed with the man you wish to marry.”
She nodded. “He knows the truth.”
Reverend Harper’s face cleared and he leaned forward, placing his elbows on his desk. “Then, if you will allow me, I’d like to pray with you. And be assured that in the days to come I will be praying for you, both that you will discern God’s will in this matter and find a measure of peace with whatever that answer may be.”
As Janell bowed her head, she already felt some of that sought-for peace wash over her. Whatever the coming days might bring, knowing that she no longer held her secret quite so tightly, and that the guilt she’d carried around with her like iron shackles for so long was misguided, made her feel freer and lighter than she had in many years.
And later, after she left Reverend Harper’s office, she made one more decision. It was time for her to make things right with the town council. She’d taken the job as teacher here under false pretenses. Whether their need to know her private business was right or wrong, she’d lied by omission to them when she’d applied for and accepted the job of schoolteacher.
Telling them would very likely cost her her job, but if it did, she knew that she would be all right. She would find another job, either here or somewhere else. And if that took a while, she also knew that her parents would take her back in the interim.
And just maybe, if she wasn’t already too late, there was an entirely different, much more fulfilling position right here in Turnabout that she could fill.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Janell left the mayor’s office the next afternoon with mixed emotions. She’d recounted her story to them in as unemotional a manner as she could and had apologized for concealing the facts about her marital status when she’d applied for the job.
The councilmen had been courteous and understanding, and they had all assured her that they thought she had been a fine schoolteacher since she’d moved here. But in the end, the charter they operated under had specific guidelines and they’d asked her to step down.
Though sad to lose her job, Janell understood. Not only did she not meet the stated qualifications for the position, but she’d also knowingly withheld information from them in order to get it in the first place. She suggested they hire Patience Bruder to replace her, knowing the part-time helper would make an excellent full-time teacher for her class.
The councilmen each assured her they would keep her story secret and would allow her to resign rather than firing her.
It was the best she could have hoped for under the circumstances. And now she was headed to talk to Hank. Of her two meetings today, this was the one she was most nervous about.
* * *
Hank sat in the sawmill’s tiny office, trying to focus on the ledger, without much luck.
They’d been scheduled to have dinner with Janell and her family again last night. But concern that things would be awkward between him and Janell had almost caused him to cancel. Only the fact that it was doing Chloe a lot of good to be spending time with Janell’s sister had stopped him.
He’d managed to spend most of the evening in conversation with Wilfred about his and his son’s fishing expedition, so he’d avoided interacting with Janell. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t acutely aware of her presence.
And he’d noticed she seemed to be in a strange, thoughtful mood. She didn’t speak much during their visit, but at least she no longer appeared angry with him.
Had she taken any of what he said to heart?
Gus’s barking pulled him back to the present. It sounded as if he had a customer. Hank closed the ledger and stood, relieved to have something else to focus on. He crossed the mill floor quickly, curious to see who had stopped by. It was a slow day and he’d let Simon and Calvin go home early, so he was the only one around. He’d hate to lose a customer because they thought no one was present.
He reached the edge of the platform and then stopped in his tracks. Rather than a customer, Janell stood there, calmly talking to Gus. The dog was still in guard mode—no one was going to get by him until Hank gave the word—but his tail had a suspicious wag to it and his hackles were lowered.
Hank understood the animal’s mixed response. But what in the world was Janell doing here? And had she walked the entire two miles from town again?
“Down, Gus.”
His command had the immediate effect of turning both heads in his direction. Gus trotted over to get the expected scratch behind the ears for his performance, but Janell stayed where she was, a nervous smile on her face, as if she wasn’t sure of her welcome.
Hank stepped down from the elevated mill floor to the ground and absently rubbed the dog’s neck, but his eyes never left Janell. “Can I help you?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“And it couldn’t wait until I got home in another hour?”
She fingered the cameo. “Is this a bad time?”
“No. Let’s talk.” He waved to the elevated floor, indicating she should have a seat.
She didn’t hesitate. Relief coloring her expression, she quickly stepped forward and took a seat, arranging her skirts with exaggerated care.
Why was she so nervous? “So what did you want to talk about?”
She finally looked up and met his gaze. “About what you said yesterday.”
He’d figured as much. But he still wasn’t sure what direction her discussion would take. If it was more of the same about why she couldn’t marry him, he was going to get up and leave. “I’m listening.”
She fingered that cameo again. “Yes, well.” Her hands dropped to her lap and she seemed to collect herself. “After I left you yesterday, I had a conversation with Lizzie. She asked for my forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness for what?”
“It seems she assumed I’ve stayed away from Dentonville all this time because I blamed her for my divorce. She believes that if I hadn’t stayed to help take care of her, Gregory would never have filed for divorce.”
“And did you blame her?”
“No, of course not. If Gregory was ready to divorce me over this, it wouldn’t have been long before he would have found some other excuse to do it.”
Was she just now figuring that out?
“I tell you this because it made me realize that perhaps there was something to what you had said, about my holding on to my own sense of blame too strongly.” She moistened her lips. “That combined with something else Lizzie said.”
“And what was that?”
“That regardless of whatever hurt and disappointment I’d heaped on her and on my father, didn’t I realize my shutting them out of my life hurt them much worse.”
“I’m glad your sister helped you figure things out, but why was it so important for you to tell me this right now?” He tried not to let it bother him that she gave more credence
to her sister’s words than to his.
But she was shaking her head. “It wasn’t what Lizzie said that cut through my blindness. It was what you said. It was just that Lizzie’s words reinforced it.”
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
“You were right—about so many things. About my so-called self-imposed martyrdom. About my irrational fears.”
She took a deep breath. “About my feelings for you.”
His pulse kicked up a notch at that—not only her words, but also the loving way she looked at him. But he’d misinterpreted that look before. “I’m glad to hear that. But I think we already established that you cared for me. I don’t see that anything’s changed.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Janell felt her spirits plunge. She had been too late after all. Not that she blamed Hank—he’d given her plenty of chances.
She would return to Dentonville, which would make things easier for everyone. It would explain the town council’s need to replace her without anyone having to disclose embarrassing confessions. It would give her a valid excuse not to watch Hank and Cassie Lynn get married. And it removed her from his presence as a reminder of her cowardly refusals.
“Was there anything else?” he asked.
She stood and brushed at her skirt, giving her an excuse not to meet his gaze. “Yes. I wanted to let you know that when Lizzie and her family leave, I’ll be returning with them to Dentonville.”
“I’m sure your parents will be happy to have you visit.”
She looked up at him. “I’m not going for a visit. I’m going back to Illinois to stay.”
His gaze sharpened at that. “What about your job as schoolteacher here?”
“I spoke to the council today and they are prepared to hire Patience Bruder to take my place.” She didn’t plan to tell him it was their idea to let her go. It wasn’t sympathy she wanted from him.
He crossed his arms with a frown. “I don’t buy it. You love your job and wouldn’t just abandon it this way. What are you running away from?”
The Holiday Courtship Page 23