Like a glutton for punishment, Jeremy waited to hear the bootsteps disappear and then opened his email back up to scan his father’s message once more.
Though receiving an email wasn’t at all shocking—his dad had a very firm grip on modern technology—it wasn’t often that he used it to get in touch with his son. Seeing his father’s words in print were almost more harsh than hearing them out loud.
Key phrases like “disappointed” and “concerned for you” jumped out at him. “Not what I expected from you,” stung much more in black and white than he would have thought. Though the gem was “Thought you were my son,” was the doozy of the day.
“Jesus, Dad,” he murmured as he stared at the screen. “Twist the knife a little harder, why doncha?”
“What was that, Marine?”
The CO’s unexpected voice had him jumping off the seat faster than a scalded cat. “Sir. Sorry, just… thinking. Out loud. To myself, I mean.” He rubbed the back of his neck and wondered how many more times he would get to feel like a jackass today.
Quality over quantity.
“Hmm.” Blackwater stared at the desk again, and Jeremy once more had that feeling that he wanted to gather everything up and hide it away from the man’s sight. “Did you bring the re-up papers with you?”
Shit. “No, sir. I’m sorry, they’re at home.”
“Signed?” he asked, brow raised.
“No, sir. Not yet.”
Blackwater shook his head. “It’s not complicated. You sign your name twenty times a day on different forms. This is what you want. So simply sign them and bring them back. I’m not sure why I let you take them with you to begin with.”
Because Jeremy had timed it perfectly to catch him when he knew they’d be interrupted. “Yes, sir. Of course. I apologize.”
Blackwater nodded. “Well, good. Son, the Marine Corps needs men like you. Men I’ve trained to do their job to the utmost of their ability.” As if bored with the conversation, he simply turned on his heel and left without a good-bye.
Men he trained. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Blackwater was a desk jockey, nothing more. He’d contributed less than lint to the entire battalion the entire time they’d been there. Jeremy could only hope the next man—or woman—they brought in would be more effective. More of a leader. More of someone they would respect enough to follow behind.
That man certainly wasn’t Blackwater. Not that Jeremy was about to say that to anyone’s face. Hell no. He might not enjoy his time in the Corps as much as the average Marine. But he still knew self-preservation when it bit him on the ass, and talking back to a superior officer—even an asshole one—was sort of frowned upon.
Jeremy sat once more, debating how to answer the email to his father. It’d been sent over the weekend, so at least two days ago. But he didn’t have access to his email outside of work. Which his father knew. Odd that he didn’t send it to his personal email, which he would have seen almost immediately.
Or was it fate? That big F-word that Skye always used. If he’d seen this email Saturday morning, would he still have been with Madison over the weekend?
And more importantly, did he deserve the email that was sent to him? Was he seriously a disappointment because he was taking his time to make life decisions? Because he wasn’t sure what he wanted?
That much was a lie, anyway. He knew what he wanted… to write. But it was impractical. So he did what he should. His duty to his father. The man who stuck by him when he had every reason in the world to take off and leave him behind.
To make his father proud. Fuck. He scrubbed a hand over his face. What was he, seven?
None of it mattered anyway. He had the papers at home; all he had to do was sign them and he was done with it.
***
Madison approached Jeremy’s apartment with a sense of dread. But she had to at least make sure he was okay, despite Tim’s text that his jaw was fine and not at all injured like she’d worried. And to leave it alone and stop being a nurse.
Pardon her for caring.
Of course, Tim had also ended up sending her a text telling her he loved her and supported her in whatever she needed. So it was a little difficult to stay truly upset at the guy. No matter how hard she tried.
Now it was Jeremy’s turn. He needed her support, and if it killed her, she would give it.
It just might. It really just might.
She knocked and waited. He didn’t come to the door, so she knocked louder. His bike and truck were both in the parking lot. Of course, he could be taking a nap, but in that sham of an apartment, there was no way he couldn’t hear—
The door creaked open, startling her. She took a step back and smiled. “Hey.”
“Hi.” He opened the door wide and swept open an arm in greeting. No hint to his mood at all. Damn the man and his ability to look completely and totally impassive.
She took a step in, then decided otherwise. “I have work in an hour. But I really don’t wanna be inside any longer. I’ll have twelve hours of indoors soon enough.”
He was silent, then nodded. “I’ll grab my keys. Meet me at the park.”
She didn’t have to ask which park. His. Or, as she’d started to think of it… theirs. She hopped down the stairs and into her car before he even came back outside. The extra ten minutes would help steady her. As she drove, she kept shaking out one hand, then the other. They were sticking to the steering wheel, palms slick with sweat she couldn’t explain on the weather.
Nerves, moron. They’re nerves.
She pulled in, a little surprised to see one other car parked in the lot. But after a quick glance, it appeared as though the dad with two kids were using the badly neglected soccer field to run around, avoiding the playground equipment completely. She surveyed, then decided to climb up the metal jungle gym a few levels and sit, letting her feet swing between two of the rails. The night air was getting cooler, and grateful she’d thought ahead, she zipped up the hoodie she’d tossed on over her scrub top. She heard Jeremy’s motorcycle pull in and the engine cut off. Heard his boots crunch over the grass that always seemed to be three weeks overdue for a mowing. Felt the metal of the playground equipment vibrate under her butt just a little with his heavy steps as he climbed up to sit with her.
And they were silent. Together. As if in complete agreement that no words were necessary.
Finally, Madison’s fidgety need for conversation overtook her. “Someone’s finally using this place. Other than us, I mean.” She pointed toward the trio on the soccer field.
“Yeah. Good for them.”
Daring to glance Jeremy’s way, she wished she hadn’t. In his jeans, boots, and black leather jacket, sunglasses pushed up over his hair, smelling him so close by, feeling his heat, he was devastating to her senses.
She cleared her throat. “I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole thing.”
He propped his elbows up on the lowest rung in front and waited, apparently content to be a spectator in the conversation rather than a participant.
So he wouldn’t make it easy on her. Well, that was fine. “Tim’s not as pissed as you thought he would be, is he?”
Jeremy grinned at that, then gave her a mock grimace and rubbed at his jaw. “I don’t know. I think I’m lucky I’ve still got a full set of molars.”
She nudged him with her shoulder. “Don’t be a drama llama. He wasn’t upset with you at work today, was he?”
“No. We had a beer yesterday, talked it out. I mean, he’s not crazy about the secrets and sneaking and shit.”
“Told you.”
“But,” he went on, ignoring her, “I think he’s okay. Or, rather, he’s pretending he knows nothing about it. Blind, deaf, and dumb.” He shook his head, as if the thought that Tim could come to accept their dating was so unbelievable to him he stru
ggled to wrap his mind around it.
“He’s got a lot of practice with the dumb part,” she said, mostly out of sibling-induced habit. As his sister, even without him there, it was her duty to give him some shit. But they both laughed. “So that’s one hurdle down.”
“Hurdle,” he murmured. Not really a question, but she treated it as such.
“The list you gave me. Why things wouldn’t work out.”
One of the girls from the field shrieked when her father picked her up from behind and spun her in a circle. Jeremy’s eyes tracked over to them and she watched as, finally, he let his guard down and showed some emotion. But her throat closed, and she wished she hadn’t seen the stark longing in his eyes at the scene.
She cleared her throat a little and blinked furiously before tears could even begin to form. “The thing is, I know you said you couldn’t get involved with someone in the military. And I didn’t really understand that part.”
He watched her, eyes staring into hers. “My dad’s a retired Marine. You know that much. But I don’t really talk about my mom.”
“I just thought she wasn’t really in your life much.”
“She’s not. She died when I was really young.”
“Oh, Jeremy. I’m sorry.” Her heart broke for the little boy he’d been, not having the maternal comfort and love that she’d been so blessed to be brought up by. She reached out to put her hand on his arm, then pulled back, not sure what he needed. But he smiled a sad little smile and patted her knee.
“It was a long time ago. I can’t even remember when it happened. I’m over it.”
No, you’re not. Oh, even a blind man could see he wasn’t even remotely over it. And why should he be? Even if her mom died tomorrow—which she wouldn’t, Madison thought fiercely—Madison would have had almost twenty-seven good years with her. Learned from her. Been guided by her. To lose all those opportunities for love and laughter and learning was a huge blow. One he might not even know he missed.
“So it was just me and Dad. He never remarried. But even though he was a single parent, he also didn’t get out of the Corps. The moving part wasn’t my favorite thing ever, but I survived it. Living on base, not a big deal. But when he was gone…” Jeremy shrugged. “He was all I had. The other kids, with their stay-at-home moms, or even moms that worked, it was like their world barely hit a blip. Sure, their dads were gone. But their moms were still there. Or vice versa. Mom was gone, but Dad was still home. There was a constant. That didn’t change.”
“What happened with you while your dad was gone?”
“I would move. Again. Go stay with my grandma. She was nice. But older. And it was hard with the constant coming and going. I was never in her life all the time, so she wasn’t used to me. And I wasn’t used to her.”
Madison nodded. It wasn’t something she could say she understood. How could she? Her mother had been the family’s rock during deployments and long separations. They all leaned on her, even her father, when he was gone.
“So that sucked.” He laughed harshly. “Understatement, I guess. But with all the times he was gone, I somehow just kept thinking, if he was proud of me, would he leave as often? The older I got, the more I realized it wasn’t as if he was choosing to go. But the idea stuck. The habit of making him proud, of doing what I could to make him want to stick? Never went away.”
“I know all about trying to make your parents proud.” She rubbed his back in soothing circles, but he barely even moved. His body was still as stone.
“The fact is, if you have two military members who are parents, and they both get picked to deploy at the same time, then what? Or if they’re put in different bases? They can’t always guarantee you’d be stationed together. Additional separations. It’s just not for me.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t willingly do that to a kid. It’s not like I have to have some Suzy Homemaker or anything. But the dual military? It’s like asking for something to go wrong. Tempting fate. I just… I can’t.”
“I can understand that much.” She hated to say it, because it just gave him more ammo to use in keeping them apart. But it was the truth. She did see his point.
“So that’s just something I’ve known. It’s not so much that I don’t want someone who works. That’s her choice. But, you know…” His lip quirked, indicating he didn’t feel it was necessary to finish.
She smiled sadly. “So that makes sense. And since I’m not getting out anytime soon…” No, that wasn’t really accurate to say. It made it sound like she would leave when her current commitment was up. “I mean, this is it for me. I thought this would just pay for college, give me a few years’ experience, give me something to sort of laugh at my dad with. And then I’d be done and find a nice job in the civilian world. Be a typical nurse who doesn’t have to wear her dress uniform to meetings with her boss and take physical fitness tests twice a year. But I love it. I don’t want out. I want to keep going in the Navy.”
“And I want you to.” One large hand covered her knee and squeezed affectionately. “You should stay in if you love it. So many people don’t end up finding a career they love.”
She nodded and tried to blink back tears once more, only this time she knew she’d fail. “That’s not all I love, though.”
His hand froze on her knee. He didn’t turn to look at her, didn’t acknowledge what she’d said at all. Just stared off into the distance, or as far as the distance went when there were overgrown trees blocking your view.
Something very small fizzled in her chest, like Pop Rocks, then burned down until she was cold. Well, she’d known this wouldn’t be easy. Rubbing the heel of one hand over her breastbone, she cleared her throat. “Are you going to sign those papers for your monitor?”
His hand slid away, the last bit of warmth seeming to follow. He might as well have been wearing his sunglasses for all the better she could read his eyes.
“Because if that’s what you want, then you should. I know you want to make your dad proud.”
His head inched her way.
“I thought for about five minutes my dad would be disappointed in me for joining the Navy instead of the Marines.”
“Which doesn’t have a medical corps,” Jeremy added dryly, finally speaking.
“Well, yeah. That would be the hitch there, wouldn’t it?” She smiled a little. “But it was so short-lived. He teased me; so did Tim. But he knew it’s what I wanted and so he was proud of me for going after what I needed. And if making your dad proud is what you need, then that’s okay.”
“Is it?”
Madison chewed on her answer a moment. It didn’t seem like a rhetorical question. “I can’t really answer that for you. I’m just saying, do what you need.” Lord, that hurt. A pins and needles feeling started in her hands from clenching them into fists and she shook them out. “I want you to be happy.” Even if it kills me, be happy. Please, be happy.
Otherwise, this pain was for nothing.
He nodded again, back to silence. Madison’s cell phone chirped in her hoodie pocket. The alarm she’d set reminding her she had work in half an hour. Without looking, she reached in and pressed the side button that would silence the phone’s alarm momentarily.
“I have to get going.”
“Right. Work.”
This, she hated. Maybe Jeremy was right from the beginning. They couldn’t turn back now, and maybe it was better to have not known at all what it could have been.
Even as she thought it, she dismissed it. Knowing was infinitely better than playing what if? for the rest of her life. But what did he think?
She shifted and watched him closely. “So, we leave this all behind and start over. As if nothing happened?”
He nodded and continued nodding as if once he started, he lacked the ability to stop. “Sounds like a plan.”
He was hurting
as much as she was. Pair of freaking fools. Though she had no clue what the alternative was. She wasn’t about to give up her career. And he wasn’t going to let go of his need to please his father. Pasting on the brightest smile she could manage, she said, “Friends then. Back to good friends.”
She stood and stretched her back a moment, but Jeremy didn’t move. “You coming?”
“You go on ahead. Unless you need me to walk you to your car.”
Madison scoffed and did a quick once-over. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe making it the whole forty yards to my car. But thanks.” He kept nodding like one of those bobbleheads on a dashboard. So she leaned over and brushed a kiss on his cheek. “Be happy,” she whispered and took off at a run down the metal steps, over the grass, and all the way to her car.
Chapter 20
Be happy.
Two short, simple words. For which there was no simple, short answer.
Jeremy turned a little, resting his back against the cool metal of the wall of the jungle gym and observed the family of three out on the soccer field. The younger girl, clad in jeans and a sweater with a puffy hat over her head, jumped on her father’s back, laughing and holding on for dear life. Probably choking the breath out of her father, but he didn’t seem to mind, if his own laughter was anything to go off of. The older girl, in track pants and a sweatshirt, dribbled the soccer ball between her legs, taunting her father by setting the ball near him, then snatching it away at the last moment.
Of course, he was likely letting her. But the point wasn’t to win. The point was to spend time with his daughters. Quality time. Time to make them feel good about themselves and give them the security of knowing there was a man in their life who thought the world of them.
Jeremy wondered if those girls realized how lucky they were.
Quality times like those had been few and far between in his life. Partly from separations. And mostly because, well, his dad didn’t “do” the bonding thing. Any important time together seemed to revolve around his father’s military career, or planning Jeremy’s.
Officer Breaks the Rules (Semper Fidelis. Always Faithful.) Page 25