She shook her head in confusion, certain she must have misunderstood him. “Pardon me?”
“You need a man to take responsibility for you and Adela while we’re on the trail, and Miles has insisted that a wedding take place. Today. Before we go any farther.”
“You can’t be serious! Who am I supposed to marry? Most of the men in this group are already married or otherwise spoken for, in case you haven’t noticed. Matrimonial prospects aren’t exactly thick on the ground. So, where does Mr. Carpenter imagine I’ll find a husband, out here in the middle of nowhere?” She threw her arms wide.
“You’re looking at him.”
Her arms dropped to her sides. “You? Why would you agree to this?”
He rubbed the back of his neck as if a knot of tension was centered there. “We don’t really have time for long explanations right now. Miles is anxious to see this matter settled and get back on the trail.”
“Well, he will just have to wait.” She first needed to understand Josiah’s motivation before she would even consider placing herself and Adela into his keeping. “I’m not moving from this spot until you answer my questions.” Gathering her skirts, she took a seat on a rock, emphasizing her words.
He mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like “I knew this wouldn’t be easy—the woman’s stubborn enough to sit here all day,” then raised his voice to address her. “I suppose you won’t be satisfied until you know everything that was said.”
“If I’d been included in the meeting, I wouldn’t need you to tell me anything,” she pointed out, then winced at the self-inflicted jab to what remained a sore spot for her.
“You can take that up with Miles later, if you want, but for now I hope you don’t mind if I give you the short version to speed things along.”
“For someone who claims to be in such a hurry, you’re sure coming at this from the long way around.” The question was, why? She cocked her head to the side. “Are you deliberately delaying?”
“No.” But his expression seemed to say otherwise. Sighing in resignation, he settled on a rock adjacent to hers. “After Miles made it clear there was no alternative other than marriage, I was...elected to fill the position as husband.”
There was obviously more to it than he was voicing aloud, and she wouldn’t let him sidestep a full explanation. “Why you?”
He picked at his pants’ seam with his nail, his eyes focused on the movement of his fingers instead of on her. “I was deemed the obvious choice. You’ve spent more time with me since we left Missouri than with any other single man.”
“I can see why the others might choose you, but that still doesn’t explain why you agreed to it.”
His head came up as he crossed his arms over his chest and raised one red-gold eyebrow. “Would you rather I’d refused?”
She opened her mouth to tell him that wasn’t what she’d meant, but he waved her off.
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter. The fact is there’s no other alternative. But don’t focus on the marriage aspect of this. Nothing will change between us.” The corner of his mouth quirked up. “Well, nothing except that you need not worry about how others might view the help I offer. Nor fear that you’d inadvertently give something away by accepting.”
Surely, he realized it could never be as simple as that. They weren’t talking about some inconsequential little thing here, after all. “You want me to forget that we’re discussing marriage? Forget that we would be bound together in holy wedlock, as husband and wife? How do you suggest I do that?”
He shifted at her pointed questions and pushed to his feet. “Well, for starters, don’t think of me as a husband. I would merely be a friend lending a hand. Nothing more.”
The pieces finally clicked into place as to the reason behind his agreement. This was a way for him to help by giving her the security of his name and protection. But that was it.
He simply wasn’t the kind of man who could stand idly by while anyone was in dire straits. As she and Adela most assuredly were at this moment.
Though she was loath to admit it, they needed his help now, more than ever before.
But that didn’t mean she intended to accept without first giving it careful consideration. Too many times in the past, impulse had led her into trouble. And she wouldn’t make the same mistake again now, when so much depended on her next actions. Not just her future and Adela’s, but Josiah’s, as well.
She stood up and moved past him toward the river, her thoughts racing as fast as the water.
She’d convicted Josiah unfairly when she had jumped to conclusions earlier and, likewise, all the other times she’d made unwarranted assumptions due to self-doubts about her own ability to correctly discern a man’s character.
Josiah was kind, considerate, always willing to lend a hand. When judged on his own merits, he had proved himself trustworthy in countless different ways over the past several weeks. His every action supported the belief that he was exactly the man he appeared to be. Without hidden agendas or ulterior motives for his benevolence.
Never once had he displayed a temper, not even when she’d provoked him past most other men’s limits. Her father certainly wouldn’t have responded with humor if faced with some of her more recent behavior. But Josiah had, ever ready with a teasing comment to calm her heightened emotions.
Now, he was riding to her rescue by offering marriage, a course with no benefit to him personally. Quite the opposite, in fact. She and Adela would only be an additional burden on top of his other responsibilities.
It shouldn’t matter to him what happened to her or Adela. But it clearly did.
Because he was a good man.
If she must marry someone, she would rather it be Josiah than anyone else in their party. He would take good care of her and her sister.
But he didn’t love Mattie.
She glanced over her shoulder at him, standing tall and unwavering, a solid rock of dependability in a desert of shifting sands. Ready and willing to provide protection, no matter the cost to himself.
How could she allow him to make such a sacrifice?
How could she not?
If it were only herself she had to consider, she wouldn’t ask it of him.
But for Adela’s sake she must.
There was no other way that would see them safely to their relatives in Oregon Country.
Remorse heavy in her heart for what her deception had wrought, she turned away from Josiah and back toward the river. She had to put the needs of her sister above her qualms about taking advantage of Josiah’s generous nature.
Still, her mind fought against the inevitable, like a wild bird beating its wings against the bars of the cage that imprisoned it. Searching for a route that would set her and Josiah free.
But it was futile.
To keep trying would lead to nothing but a broken wing.
* * *
Josiah watched Mattie struggling to come to terms with the situation. After all she’d gone through to make it this far, she would do whatever was necessary to make it the rest of the way. He had no doubt. And there was only one path forward.
Yet, she hesitated.
Why did the notion of tying herself to him give her pause? Would she react the same way to the prospect of taking any man as husband on such short notice and without a proper courtship? Or was it him in particular that she had an issue with?
He was sharply reminded of her lack of faith in him before the river crossing. Perhaps she doubted him still, despite his explanations and her subsequent apology. If she didn’t believe him—didn’t believe in him—there was nothing more he could do to convince her of his integrity.
Growing up, he had been ridiculed as his mother’s illegitimate shame, and he’d gotten a bellyful of feeling that he didn’t measu
re up to others’ standards of morals and decency. Now, here was a woman who knew nothing of his family history, and still it seemed as if she judged him lacking.
Was his birth a stain that people instantly recognized despite all he’d done over the years to rise above it? Was that why Georgiana had chosen his best friend, instead? Because she’d seen something in Josiah that turned her away from him and toward William? It wasn’t the first time he’d wondered such a thing. But going over the past, trying to make sense of it, wouldn’t change the outcome; it only brought pain.
He turned his mind away from questions he had no hope of answering and moved to stand at Mattie’s back. “We’ve spent enough time talking about this. Are you ready to proceed now?”
Turning to face him, she chewed on the corner of her lip as she considered him for a long moment, her pleated brow attesting to the weight of her inner turmoil. Finally, she nodded.
He let out a sigh of relief. Though he hated the thought that circumstances were forcing her into a marriage against her will, the harsh truth was that her feelings didn’t matter.
And neither did his. No matter how much her obvious reluctance lacerated his pride. “I’ll let everyone know we’re ready to begin.”
“I—” Her mouth worked, but nothing else came out. She turned her face away and took a deep breath.
Reaching for her hand, he offered her a commiserating squeeze. “We don’t have a choice, Mattie. I’m sorry.”
She didn’t meet his gaze, her lashes lowered to shield whatever emotions lurked in the amber depths. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”
He released her hand as if it had burned him.
That she didn’t want to marry him had already been made apparent by her hesitation; now her words were like a knife thrust, driving home the point.
But he didn’t want to marry her, either. Not in the truest sense, anyway. So, why did knowledge of her antipathy throb like a thorn embedded under his skin?
Chapter Ten
Mattie clenched her hands together at her waist while the preacher’s words washed over her. They didn’t bring calm; nor did the faint roar of the nearby river.
She looked out across the open landscape past the preacher’s shoulder, squinting slightly against the bright glare of sunlight on the pale canvas wagon bonnets a dozen yards away. Endless miles of rolling hills carpeted in waving sage-green grasses stretched out before her; yet, she felt hemmed in, surrounded by the other members of their group.
A warm breeze caressed her skin, and a trickle of perspiration rolled down her temple. Reaching up, she wiped away the moisture and shifted restlessly.
The preacher droned on about the responsibilities of husband and wife, and the sanctity of marriage, when all Mattie wanted was for him to finish it as quickly as possible. She bit her lip to keep back a demand that he skip to the end.
She glanced up at Josiah to gauge if he was plagued by the same impatience, but his eyes were focused on the other man and his face was impassive. Unable to read anything of his thoughts, she could only guess what he was feeling.
Did he resent her for what was happening here now—this marriage, which had become a necessity due to her foolhardy actions?
The breeze lifted a lock of his hair, and the sun’s rays picked out the colors of flicking flames among the strands. He stood with feet braced apart, ignoring the men at his back, who it seemed acted not so much as wedding guests but rather as guards against any last-minute resistance from either the bride or groom.
Whether or not undue outside pressure had been brought to bear on Josiah to coerce his agreement was unclear, as he’d been sparing with the details of the men’s discussion. Perhaps he was following nothing more than the urging of his conscience.
That thought caused a twinge in her own conscience. After everything he’d done for her, it wasn’t right that she should take and take while giving nothing in return. But what could she do to mend the one-sidedness of their relationship? How could she ever adequately compensate for all he’d sacrificed for her? How many of his hopes and dreams for the future would be forever out of reach to him now? Because of her.
No doubt he’d pictured himself marrying a woman he loved or at least felt some measure of affection for beyond mere obligation. After all, what man would aspire to a marriage of convenience if given the choice?
And this wasn’t even particularly convenient for Josiah, when it came right down to it.
But perhaps she could do something about that.
Over the last several weeks, he had revealed bits and pieces of the life he envisioned for himself, once they reached the end of the trail. When he’d talked about his plans for a ranch in Oregon Country, he hadn’t mentioned a wife. But surely he desired a family—children to one day inherit all he would work long and hard to create.
He’d need a woman by his side who was up to the challenges ahead. And the past month had shown Mattie just how strong and capable she truly was. She could be an asset to Josiah, an extra pair of hands to lighten his load. She wouldn’t shy away from any chore, no matter how difficult or dirty, and she could help him with his horses, besides.
But it would be much more than the mere aiding of a friend.
Even though Josiah had claimed nothing would change between them, and he didn’t expect Mattie to think of him as her husband, she suspected he’d said it to ease any worries she might harbor over the immensity of what he was truly offering in order to save her.
Such selflessness wasn’t to be disregarded. She silently vowed to be a good wife to him. And prayed that was enough to ensure he never came to regret their loveless union.
The preacher broke into her musing with a request to repeat after him. Hearing the sacred words of the marriage vows, Mattie felt their gravity. The promises she made today weren’t just promises to Josiah, but to God, as well. She sensed His presence even now, guiding her toward this path. Had this been His plan for her all along?
She’d heard that marriages of convenience were commonplace out west, and a good many worked out splendidly. She prayed it would be so for her and Josiah.
Taking a deep breath, she spoke the words that would bind her to him for the rest of their lives. Then it was his turn.
“I will,” he solemnly promised in answer to the preacher’s prompting, his voice clear and strong.
A few short minutes later, David Linton said the final words of the marriage ceremony. “What God hath joined together, let no man tear asunder.”
It was done. They were married.
The preacher closed his Bible and beamed a smile. “You may kiss your bride, Josiah.”
He bent toward her and pressed a light peck on her cheek. It was over in an instant. Then he was moving away to thank the preacher and accept his brother’s congratulations.
Mattie experienced a curious prick of disappointment that he hadn’t given her a real kiss to seal their vows. As if she’d been denied something significant.
Lifting her hand, she touched the place where his lips had so briefly rested and felt the small scar that marred her skin.
He had kissed it, though she was certain that hadn’t been his intention. He’d probably never even noticed the slight imperfection, which served as a physical reminder to her of the disastrous marriage she’d narrowly avoided.
To have her new husband seal their wedding vows with a kiss on precisely that spot...
Was this God’s way of telling her she was meant to be with Josiah?
All her life, she’d dreamed of a union that was a true partnership, bound together by love and caring, as her parents’ had been before her mother’s untimely passing. Marriage to the one God had made just for her.
Was Josiah that man?
Would deep and abiding feelings grow between them if she only had the patience not to rush thi
ngs, as she had in the past?
The possibility brought a lightness to her heart, filling her with hope and optimism for the future and their marriage.
* * *
The wagon train made camp for the night a few hours later. Rebecca prepared a special supper for the newlyweds and offered Mattie a sincere welcome into the Dawson family, seemingly determined not to focus on the way it had come about. Mattie was grateful for the other woman’s support.
Josiah appeared likewise appreciative of his sister-in-law’s efforts, if his hearty appetite was anything to judge by. After two helpings, he declined Rebecca’s offer of more.
Stretching his arms over his head, he covered a yawn. “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m ready to call it a night.”
Rebecca glanced up from the dish she was wiping clean. “Adela is welcome to stay with me tonight to give you two some privacy.” She shifted her gaze to her husband. “You don’t mind sleeping outside for one night, do you, dear?”
Elias opened his mouth to answer.
But Josiah cut across his brother before the other man could speak. “That’s not necessary. There’s no need for any shuffling. I’ll bed down where I usually do. And everyone else can do the same.”
“But it’s your wedding night,” Rebecca protested.
“No, it’s not,” he refuted. “This isn’t a normal marriage. Therefore, the usual traditions have no place here. Our union is a means to protect Mattie and her sister during the journey. Nothing more. Once we reach Oregon Country, the marriage will be annulled.”
Stunned by this declaration, Mattie gaped at Josiah. He hadn’t said a word to her about annulment earlier.
She snapped her mouth closed, her cheeks heating at his unexpected rejection. It was painful to think that he was so obviously opposed to his marriage to her lasting a lifetime. He was already anticipating their union’s demise. Had been even before he spoke his vows.
As much as Mattie feared the thought of being permanently tied to a man who might never love her, she should now be feeling relieved that she wouldn’t be trapped in a loveless marriage forever. Grateful to Josiah for providing a convenient out. But she found she was curiously wounded, instead. Because he wasn’t making this choice for her sake, but for his own.
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