“Why? Damn it, why?” The words sound accusing, but his tone is anything but. It’s as if he’s crying out and pleading to fix this. His shoulders tense and his hands start to shake.
“I, just, I couldn’t,” I say softly. His pacing stops and we stare at each other with more distance between us than I’d like. “Because … I thought I asked for it. I wanted him to kiss me and I liked it when he did. I had a crush on him too. But most of all, I knew deep down that he wasn’t good and by the time I wanted him to stop, it was too late.”
Ryan’s breathing slows and all I can see is the hurt traced in the lines of his face. He looks beaten and broken down. “It should never be too late.” The words come out strong, making it clear that Ryan is anything but angry with me. “I didn’t know; how could I have not known this? Love, you should have told me. You need to know that you can trust me and that no matter what I will love you, Mik.” His heavy footsteps reach me just as I begin to crumble to the floor. The strength of Ryan’s arms, scooping me into his lap as we both fall, floods me with bright colors. His gentle fingers hold my face while tears stream down my face and his own eyes glisten with the same tears.
Time passes and then Ryan carries me up to our bed. He covers us with the comforter and we wrap ourselves around each other. Our legs entwine and his arms circle me protectively. For me, the tension I have over this kept secret is fading, but for Ryan it seems it’s just beginning. My colors of red, blue and purple are down so deep they almost seem nonexistent. Yet I can feel them seeping into Ryan. This will all be new to him and it scares me because I don’t imagine Ryan has ever really had darkness in his life.
Just as my eyes begin to close and my breathing settles into a consistent rhythm, Ryan’s lips kiss the top of my head. Through his raw voice he says, “I’m so sorry, love.” I knew this would be hard; the hardest confession I’ve ever made, but it’s more heart-breaking than I imagined. Hurting someone you love is not even close to gratifying nor does it provide enough relief. It leaves a burden, a curse and a permanent marking on your heart. Shame creeps into me as I clutch onto Ryan’s body. I squeeze him tighter to me, afraid that he’ll let go, but he never does. All night we stay locked together.
THE MORNING LIGHT OF THE sun rising begins to creep in our room, but it’s still foggy outside. Watching the fog drift off the ocean, I’m thankful that I can still get in some more sleep before the sun brightens up our entire room.
Ryan’s heavy breathing confirms that he’s still in a deep sleep. I don’t think he’s ever slept in since we’ve been together. Yesterday was such an exhausting and emotional day all around that sleep definitely is our best option. Soon the memories of the day flit through my mind and then my own breathing steadies. In my dream, I sleep and sleep some more. I sleep so much that I bypass facing the after effects of my confession, Ryan’s parents, the business I lost, and my family at my dad’s wedding.
My sleep is perfect, except for the constant ringing that interrupts my perfect sleep with every ring. When I wake again, I feel weightless and light. Realization that Ryan’s not in bed though hits me like a heavy brick. Ring. Ring. My eyes barely open, but I find the phone and sleepily answer.
Even as I say “hello” I already know that there are only two people who ever call this number, Ryan’s mom and dad.
Ryan’s mom’s voice is high pitched, waking me from any lasting sleep I felt in me. “Oh, hi dear, Mikaela?” I’m sure my morning voice has thrown her off.
“Hi, yes, it’s me. Um, I don’t think Ryan’s here,” I tell her as politely as I can and swallow down the rawness in my throat. Even in my haze, I’m still upset and hurt by her and Mr. Chambers’ actions last night. Most of all it hurts me because I know it’s killing Ryan inside. He loves his parents, but he’s in love with me. The best thing I can do is to be polite, courteous and maybe even bring the most important people in his life in alignment.
“Oh, I figured he was ignoring my calls. I’ve been calling all morning.” Just as I’m about to fill in the gap in conversation, she continues on. “Anyway, I will be stopping by shortly. I just want to make sure you’ll be home. I know Ryan usually stays home Sunday’s to rest and make sure he’s ready for the week at work. Mmm, yes?” I don’t bother to tell that he no longer does this since we have been together. It hits me just how hard change is for this woman. Especially when it comes to her son.
“Oh, um, okay. I-I, yes that’s fine. We’ll be here.” The woman talks fast and I respond with the easiest way to end the conversation. Smoothing this over seems highly unlikely, but I’ll do my best to be a good daughter-in-law and an even better wife if I can fix this.
“Thanks, dear. I’ll see you in a few.” The line goes dead and I realize that if I know her well, she’ll be here in within the hour. Dinnertime is just around the corner. I hadn’t intended to sleep that much longer, but it was definitely needed.
After I realize the house is empty, I take a shower, fix my hair, throw on my favorite soft cotton sundress and start to really look for Ryan. The coffee maker is on and his half-full coffee mug is still on the kitchen counter, which means he hasn’t been gone long. My guess is he’s running along the beach. Hence, his simple note on the kitchen table.
As I pour myself a steaming cup of coffee, I look through our patio doors, glad to see all the fog has burnt off. The sun glistens off the water in the distance and I see a couple walking by hand-in-hand. Then a dog, which looks like a lab, comes running up alongside the couple. Watching the couple bend to pet the dog and then the guy scoops up the furry ball into his arms gets me thinking and wondering if Ryan likes dogs. He’s never mentioned a family pet from when he was a kid, but for some reason I can picture Ryan affectionately running his hands over a puppy’s fur. The couple both dotes on the little guy, giving him kisses and letting him lick their faces. My heart thuds fast as I picture Ryan and I doing the same thing one day. I add this to my list of things to still learn about my husband.
Even though we both have things to learn about each other, I feel assured, more now than ever, that we will discover all these little unknowns now that the big unknowns are out there. Excitement pours over me as I continue to watch the couple and the dog fade down the beach. Learning all these new things about each other has possibilities … maybe a dog even.
Taking my coffee out with me onto the patio, I skim the view of the horizon, loving how the sun reflects clearly off the water. I soak in the sun letting my dress fall further down my thighs and just close my eyes. I’m not tired, but more exhausted emotionally. Every so often I peek out to search for a sweaty, running Ryan.
This next day has already brought on new emotions since our confessions last night. Relief has begun to erase some of the insecurity I had been feeling. Hurt has been replaced with the hope I feel because of Ryan’s acceptance. It’s no longer some dirty secret that I’m too afraid to let loose out of fear of rejection.
Becoming a bit antsy as I wait for Ryan and my mother in-law, I decide to get my computer. After I check on all my work emails and even do a little work, I scan back through and come across a new email from my dad. I know that Marisa will be there; there is no way she wouldn’t go. Mya though is a wild card; I’m praying she really does show. Deep down I’m wishing more than anything for all three of us to build a new relationship with each other. Hopefully, through time and healing, we can bond with our dad again, too.
With the clock ticking on the upcoming wedding I know I only have a little time to confirm everything. I stare at my dad’s words and just take them in before I respond.
To: Mikaela Washington
From: Dad’s work email
Hi Mikaela,
I wanted to check in on you. I’ve been thinking of you and your sisters of course. I’m hoping that you can make it to the wedding, all of you. Please let me know if you and a date can be here.
Also, I’d like to talk when you are ready. I know there are a lot of questions you probably would like answers to.
I’m ready to work this all out.
Love you,
Dad
I hate to do any of this over an email. It’s too much, too deep and too personal to work out in writing. Instead of contemplating it any longer, I do something that I didn’t think I’d be possibly ready for this soon … I respond by asking him if we can set a time to talk on the phone this week.
As I click send and exhale, I practically fall out of my chair when I hear the screech of Ryan’s mom’s voice calling me. “Mikaela, Mikaela dear. Oh there you are.”
I straighten myself up, instantly self-conscious of my attire. It’s casual, comfortable and cheap; all things Mrs. Chambers’ attire would never be described as. Smoothing my hair behind my ears as I realize how perfectly kept her hair is, I swallow past the uncomfortable feeling I have without Ryan by my side. “Oh, I’m sorry I must have lost track of time. Let me go freshen up and then¾” I stutter on my words.
“Non-sense, that’s not necessary. You look darling. I put the dinner for you guys in the fridge before I came out here to look for you. I hope that’s okay,” she says with a bit of a different tone than I’ve heard in the past. I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty sure she sounds … nice. While I am curious about this apparent change of heart, I’m still a little cautious but hopeful that we have the same intentions.
“Yes, of course. That was really kind of you to do that. We appreciate it.” I pause awkwardly realizing I really am not sure how to talk to this lady. So I decide I should try to busy myself and ask, “Would you like some iced tea?”
“That would be lovely, my dear. I’ll just sit out here enjoying the sunshine.” I’m thankful she doesn’t follow me because it gives me a chance to calm my nervous energy. Before I pour us the tea, I quickly type Ryan a text message telling him his mom is here, but his phone dings with the text on the counter behind me.
I return out to the patio and see Mrs. Chambers looking relaxed and ready to stay. She’s leaning back in her chair with her head up facing the sun; one of her legs is even propped up on the other chair across from her. I wonder how she can look so relaxed while my insides feel like they could explode.
“Here you go.” I hand her the cold glass and watch her sit up straight again. “So, I don’t know when Ryan will be back. I think he went for a run, but he doesn’t have his phone or else we could call him.”
“That’s okay, this gives us a chance to talk and get to know each other,” she says with a genuine smile spread across her face. I can’t imagine us just talking friendly with each other, but wouldn’t you know it, that’s what happens. “So tell me how you got into graphics?”
At first I’m quiet and shy when I answer her question; giving her as little information as possible, but then as more time passes, she becomes easier to talk to. I find that I’m enjoying our time together and she seems to truly be interested in learning about who I am. She doesn’t pry into the areas I’m not quite ready to talk about either. It’s a familiar situation for me and I realize that this is who Ryan gets his charismatic and easy confidence from. I begin to feel the transition of something that was strained and difficult take a turn into a new chartered, but welcomed, territory.
“Well, I should probably let you get back to your evening, dear. I want you to know how important family is to me. Ryan in particular is very important to us.” I stare wide-eyed, afraid our bonding time together is about to pass quickly, but then she continues. “Which means, Mikaela, you are very important to us too.”
My breath catches mid-way out and I’m caught off guard at first. I turn to look around to make sure she’s talking to me, but of course she is and her smile is inviting. As she stands, I smile at her warmly, letting myself accept this new found relationship, hopeful that we’ve crossed some magically bridge where mother-in-law and daughter-in-law form a solid relationship. After all, I have no other intentions since it’s the only chance I have at having a mother going forward.
Just then Ryan makes his way up to the patio from the beach, shirtless and sweaty. He eyes his mom warily and uncertainty crosses his face. First he comes straight over to me and kisses me on the lips, and just as he starts to pull away he whispers, “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay, Ry,” I try to tell him, but he’s already turning to face his mom.
“Did you apologize to her yet? Or do you think you can just come here and berate us? I don’t want you to talk to her. Do¾” before he goes off completely I interrupt him.
“Ry, she did. She apologized and she even brought us dinner for tonight. Isn’t that nice?” I latch onto his slick biceps and force him to look at me. Once he sees me smiling, I can feel some tension leave his body.
“Is that right?” he asks Mrs. Chambers.
“Yes, dear, we’ve had a lovely visit.” Ryan looks skeptically between the two of us and we both giggle. This even shocks Ryan when he sees his mother laughing. “Come on, walk me out to my car. Oh, and before I forget, your father wanted me to ask the two of you to meet us for dinner in couple of weeks.”
Ryan looks to me and I nod my head, but instead of letting him answer, I speak up, “Actually, we won’t be able to because we’ll be heading out to Chicago for a long weekend.” Ryan runs his hand down my arm and then links our fingers together, giving me a reassuring squeeze.
“Oh … well,” I can see her wanting to ask more questions but she doesn’t. Again she smiles kindly at me and then says, “Well, that will be nice. I hope that you’ll have a good trip and when you get back we can do dinner. That will be perfect.” She leans in toward me and puts her arms around me. “Goodbye, Mikaela.”
Content and relieved with the outcome, I smile at Ryan as I push him toward his mom. They walk away with her arm linked around his and the feeling that I accomplished something big, earth-shattering even, lightens my heart even more.
IN THE PAST WEEK AND a half we went to as many therapy appointments with Dr. Harrington as she could get us into. We both insisted on going to them together now that everything was out in the open. We even discussed my relationship with my dad and sisters. I talked openly about what the rape did to not only me, but my whole family. It’s painful and raw discussing everything with someone else to help hold the burden or at least that’s how it felt at first. But Ryan does not see it that way at all. He’s supportive and determined to help me work through all of this, right by my side. The anger he felt pent up stemmed from the secrets between us. Now he’s back to being the man I know, confident and caring.
As it gets closer and closer to the wedding, I knew that I had to figure out how to talk to my dad before we came out. After an intense therapy session one evening, I figured out a way to tell my dad and eventually my sisters about what happened to me without telling them all the horrid details of that night. When I picked up the phone to dial the number that was embedded into my head at the young age of five, Ryan sat next to me holding my free hand. He tried to look distracted with his phone, but I could feel him holding his breath next to me.
Janet had actually answered the phone, which took me by surprise, but I graciously said hello and asked to speak to my dad. Her voice was gentle sounding, reminding me of a time I was in my room at home eavesdropping on her and my dad at our front door. I knew the conversation was not appropriate for a married man to be having with another woman. Yet I never said anything to him or more importantly my mom. I added this onto my running list of secrets to discuss.
“You nervous?” Ryan’s calm voice asks me.
“Mmmm, a little, but more about the take off than seeing everyone. Well, for now at least,” I answer as I squeeze his hand.
“So, I booked us a room near the Tillman Estates where the wedding is.” I study his face and watch the warm brown tone of his eyes lighten. “Just in case you don’t want to stay at your house. I thought it might be hard to stay there.”
“I guess you’re right, but I, hmmm. I don’t know. I kind of want to stay there. Put that part of my life to rest. Cou
ld we just stay at the hotel the night of the wedding?”
“Of course. That’s what we’ll do.” The plane noise starts to increase and I can see that we are on the runway about to take off. “I love you, Mik,” he whispers next to my ear, creating a trail of goose bumps reminding me that we haven’t been intimate in a while. Thankful for the little bit of privacy in first class, I push my neck into his hot lips and allow him to suck lightly.
“I miss you and these lips,” I counter. He pulls back and winks at me.
We both lean our heads back with our hands locked together and close our eyes. The thought of why we haven’t been intimate reminds me of another reason all this work and pain and suffering will have been worth it. Ryan needs to know that I trust him not only mentally, but also physically. Throughout our sexual encounters, I’ve never really let him take control or be the one to dominate on top. That time has come though. I’ve never felt better about my life and myself. All the pieces are beginning to come together in a way I never thought was possible. In a way the colors that I normally feel whipping, swirling and flying through me seem to have left. I don’t feel colors relating to my emotions anymore, only concrete solid and identifiable feelings … love and trust at the forefront.
I hung up the phone with my dad and turned to look at Ryan. My hand was sweating in his and I could tell my forehead was a little damp too.
“You okay?” he asked softly.
Love Found in California (The Washington Triplets) Page 9