by A. V. Zeppa
And that’s when he decided to leave. He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he was going. He found Claire hanging all over some half-dressed guy. He told her, “I’m leaving.”
“Why? Aren’t you having fun? Where’s Marco?”
“He’s on the dance floor.” David turned around to show her, and that’s when he saw Marco and Patrick dancing like they were having sex. He felt sick to his stomach as he watched their hands slide up and down each other’s sweaty bodies with their eyes locked on each other and lips only inches apart. Tears welled up in David’s eyes as he continued to watch in horror. Marco had spun Patrick around and was grinding his crotch against Patrick’s ass like he was fucking him.
With that image forever burned into his retinas, David turned and walked away. He made it out to the hall before Claire caught up and grabbed him by the arm. “Please let me go. I have to get out of here now.”
“David, please don’t leave. I know this looks bad, but…”
“Looks bad. Are you fucking kidding me? Look at him. He doesn’t care about us. It’s all about him.” Claire tried to calm David down. “Let’s go outside and talk. Please? Then if you still want to leave I’ll get you a cab, ok?” David nodded as tears streamed down his face.
When they got outside the cool air hit him like a tidal wave of reality. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and looked aimlessly into the night. “David, I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Claire, what exactly did I see in there? Please explain it to me.”
She hesitated for a moment, but then decided to tell the truth. “Marco and Patrick used to be boyfriends. They broke up last year. I don’t even know why Patrick showed up tonight because he’s not part of our crowd.”
David looked at her with so much hurt. “Does Marco still like him? Please be honest with me.”
“I don’t think so. We talk all the time and Patrick never came up once. All he talks about is you. He told me that he loves you. I know he does. Please believe me.”
“So why is he pretending to have sex with Patrick right now if he loves me?”
“Honestly, I don’t have an answer. The only thing I can think of is that he took some Molly. He gets that way whenever he takes it. So do I.”
They stood there for another minute or so before David decided what he was going to do. First, he sent Melissa a text. “You were right. I’m in way over my head with Marco.” Then he went back inside to tell Marco that he was leaving. When he got to the dance floor he found Marco sex dancing with Patrick and his other friend Sean. They had their hands all over each other lost in their own little world. David was through crying at that point. He started walking towards Marco when Zander stepped in his way with a contented smile on his face. “Don’t they look fucking hot together?” David didn’t say a word. It became obvious to him that Zander had set the whole thing up. And when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did. “I think you’re so fucking hot.” Zander told David, and then tried to kiss him. David pushed him away and glared. Then he grabbed him by the arm and let him have it.
“Why don’t you like me? Am I that much of a threat to you that you would try to get Marco and his old boyfriend back together just so you could get me out of the picture?”
Zander smiled his sick little smile again, realizing David was as perceptive as he was smart. “You need to back off. Please do that for Marco. Or is this the kind of shit friends do to each other in New York?” David looked at his boyfriend, shook his head, and walked out instead of confronting him. He knew it wouldn’t matter because Marco had forgotten all about him.
With his eyes stinging again, David walked outside and tried to get his bearings. This time a bunch of drunk and stoned people were out front smoking cigarettes and partying. He walked a few feet to the side so he could think. He was seven hundred miles from home and needed to stay strong so he could get back safely. His parents told him to call if anything went wrong, so that’s what he did. While waiting for his parents to answer the phone, David saw Marco run out of the club and into the street where he almost got hit by a car. He was yelling “David, David, David, fuck, fuck, I’m such a fucking asshole,” at the top of his lungs. Everyone stared at him like he was a lunatic. Defeated, Marco turned around and started heading back to the club, and that’s when he saw David looking at him with his phone to his ear. Marco stopped for a second, and then started walking towards him not knowing what was going to happen. His eyes filled with tears when he heard what David was saying. “Dad, I need to come home now.” A few seconds went by as David listened. “Dad, I’m fine. I just need to come home now.”
Marco felt his heart being ripped out of his chest with those words. He knew he had fucked everything up. “David, can we talk? Please? Please tell your dad you’ll call him back, ok?”
David looked at Marco like he was a complete stranger. He hesitated for a few seconds. “Dad, let me call you back in a couple of minutes. I need to talk to Marco.” David listened again. “Yes, I’m ok, really. I promise I’ll call you back.” His father asked where he was. “I’m just out with Marco and his friends. Please let me call you back. I’ll explain everything then.” David hung up and wiped his face with his sleeve.
“David, I’m so sorry for fucking everything up. Please let me explain.”
“Marco, there is nothing to explain. I get it. You still like Patrick. It’s that simple. You just need to admit it.” David looked him hard in the eyes as he said those piercing words. It scared Marco to see such intensity coming from someone so gentle.
“I decided to take some Molly and it made me kind of crazy. It makes me so fucking horny whenever I take it. I’m still fucked up, so I hope I’m making sense. What you saw has nothing to do with Patrick, please believe me,” Marco pleaded, trying like hell to come down.
“That’s where you’re wrong. It has everything to do with Patrick, can’t you see that? Getting high on that shit when you said that I was enough to make you feel good, tells me you’re afraid to love anyone but yourself. You revealed that truth real fast tonight. You left me alone to get stoned and fondle your old boyfriend. I really thought you were intelligent and sensitive, but you’re not. You’re not even close. You couldn’t even see that you were set up by your best friend.”
Marco stood there dumfounded at that revelation. “I’m sorry. You’re right about everything. I am fucked up. Please give me another chance. Please.”
“Look, I think you need to decide what you really want. I honestly don’t think you’re ready to get serious with one guy yet. You proved that tonight.”
Marco leaned against the building and wiped his eyes. “I’ve been fucked up for so long. It’s the only thing I know how to do well. Having meaningless relationships and getting high has been the only way I’ve felt connected to this shitty world. And then I met you and realized there was another way. I love you. I really love you. You need to know that. But you’re right, I’m damaged goods. I don’t want to get back with Patrick or anyone else. None of those guys mean anything to me because I want to be with you.”
“I love you too, but I don’t know if we should be together right now. You lied to me. I would never do that to you.”
They stood there a few feet from each other. Silent. Afraid. A couple of minutes had gone by when David asked him, “So what do we do now?”
“Will you come back to my house so we can talk?”
David looked away for a few seconds trying to decide. “Let me call my dad back first.” Marco breathed a sigh of relief. David made the call and told him everything was fine, and that he would explain what happened when he got home.
Transitions reveal in tacit ways a longing to connect beyond spoken words that often muddy the truth. Transitions reveal loss of innocence, casual deception, aching desires to be loved. Desperate moments grab hold of that elusive mist and the city lights distorted in windows of the mind. That is where love so often plays its cruel game. In silence, two people hoping to find love
walk the jagged edges of impossible summits. It was a long silent cab ride back to the Upper East Side.
They sat next to each other inside the rooftop terrace drinking coffee as a warm glow from streetlights filled a sleepy silent Park Avenue. Marco had wounds that were deep, and he was afraid to let David see them, but knew he had to. He finally spoke. “It scares the hell out of me loving you as much as I do. You are so beautiful, so perfect. I can’t believe someone like you actually exists. And then I did what I did. I’m lucky to have you in my life, but it’s like I want to destroy any happiness that comes my way so I can stay numb. So I can stay afraid or lonely or whatever it is that is going on inside my brain. I’m just fucked up on so many levels.”
“I don’t understand how someone like you can be afraid or lonely or want to destroy what makes you happy, but I want to try.” It got quiet again for a while. They eventually curled up on the sofa with the hope that forgiveness and love might heal their wounds. They spent the rest of the night talking things out and eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms just as the morning sun was welcoming a brand new day.
Part Two
Time moves forward into unknown dimensions, emotionless to the will of the dreamer, artist, seeker of knowledge, and those who have found perfect love. As much as the human spirit tries to manipulate this cruel entity, time will not play the game. It never stands still.
It is a curving forward trajectory, a requirement of one’s existence, a life capsule buried in the backyard of the mind, a scalpel that cuts mortally deep. It spares no one from the myriad of emotions that play out within each person who dares to love and be loved.
Deep is the heart that lives gracefully and is true to its core beliefs.
Deep is the heart that understands the human spirit must be nurtured and shared.
Deep is the heart when two people who love each other perfectly become blind to what is right in front of them.
CHAPTER 19
LATE AUGUST
The late summer winds were gently nudging David, Tyler, and Melissa into their brand new worlds. It had been a spring and summer filled with happy celebrations and sad goodbyes.
Tyler and Melissa had received their acceptance letters from the University of Michigan that spring. David was happy for them because they had gotten into their dream school just as he had. But the future still scared each of them more than they ever dared to lead on.
There were those quiet mystical moments whenever they were together that revealed connections that would never be broken. And even though they never expressed it in words, what they had went way beyond the other friendships that had come and gone through the years.
David loved Tyler and Melissa with all his heart and knew they felt the same way about him. He also knew that his love for Tyler had long ago entered that other realm. If only things could have worked out before meeting Marco.
Tyler felt the same way, but could never tell David the truth. He had fallen in love with David in middle school, but couldn’t put it into a proper context back then. But he figured it out when they kissed. Things would have been different if only he had followed his heart. Knowing he had missed his chance, Tyler vowed to keep his love a secret because David had fallen in love with someone else. He finally understood that old saying, “Silence carries the heaviest burden of all.” It was a burden he would have to endure so his best friend could be happy.
David and Marco visited each other in the spring and summer of that pivotal year, a year that would require David to become emotionally stronger as he journeyed into wide-eyed new territory. Just before Marco had come to visit, David decided that he had to let go of Tyler. He figured they were never meant to be. It was the hardest thing he had ever done because he loved Tyler with all his heart. He cried himself to sleep night after night holding one of Tyler’s t-shirts against his chest. It was the t-shirt he had worn the last time he slept over. It still had his scent on it. Letting go was the only way David could move on.
Having Marco visit that spring was just what David needed. It had been a snowy gray winter with very little sun. It made him depressed because he couldn’t stargaze as much as he would have liked. The upside was being able to spend more time skyping with Marco. They had gotten to know each other better by being more open and honest about things. This new intimacy helped David get over what Marco had done that night at the rave. Melissa also helped put things into a proper context after he came home and told her what had happened.
“David, look at me and Brad. He pisses me off almost every day. He’s always doing or saying something stupid. You have to understand that relationships are never perfect.”
“Yeah, but it was like he was cheating on me when he was grinding away with his old boyfriend. He forgot all about me.”
“Yeah he was being a selfish asshole. Brad gets that way at times. I see him looking at other girls every now an then, but I know he loves me.”
“But Brad doesn’t simulate having sex with them, right?”
“No. But Marco was stoned. That’s what rich boys do when they party. Some of my friends in Chicago take Molly when they party. It’s a stupid thing to do. I can’t understand why they take it. Maybe it’s a way to release the tension of their boring privileged lives. You have to understand that Marco’s world is very different from yours. You either accept it or break up with him and move on.”
“But I love him.”
“He apologized, didn’t he?”
“Yeah. He promised it would never happen again.”
“Well, then I think you have to give him another chance. Just remember, let him know when things aren’t going well, or when something is bothering you about the relationship. Talking to each other honestly is the only way real relationships survive.”
David decided to take her advice. He forgave Marco and told him what his expectations were. Marco knew he had been given another chance and wasn’t going to blow it again.
CHAPTER 20
Tyler tried to make himself scarce during Marco’s visit so David could have the space he needed with his boyfriend. But David innocently had other plans. He begged Tyler to have lunch with them one afternoon. He reluctantly agreed. They sat at the restaurant talking about school, music, and video games to kind of break the ice. Tyler felt like an intruder because he could see how happy David was. Marco sensed that Tyler really didn’t want to be there by the inflection in his voice, and his body language. It was obvious to Marco, just like it was in December, that Tyler was in love with David. Their eyes met more than once while David talked enthusiastically about college life, New York City, and the first semester classes he had signed up for. The truth revealed itself whenever Tyler and Marco made eye contact. They were both emotionally wounded. Marco knew why Tyler was, but Tyler could not figure out the hurt emanating from Marco. It didn’t make sense. After all, he was David’s boyfriend and they were in love. So why did he look like he had just lost his best friend?
Tyler drove home that afternoon trying to figure out what was going on. He was afraid for David and didn’t know why. Something just wasn’t right about Marco. He could feel it in his bones. He pulled over to the side of the road and sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about the situation. He pounded his fist on the steering wheel and cursed at what a coward he had been. He turned his truck around and headed to the sand dunes to walk the trails and clear his head. He vowed to figure things out once and for all.
Tyler walked the mile of well-worn trail he had walked so many times in his young life. Twenty minutes later he was at his favorite beach with that deep blue body of water lapping serenely at his feet. It was a beautiful spring day with no one else in sight. He had been going there for years with David and Melissa, and it always felt perfect whenever they were together there. The sun was out and the temperature was a mild seventy degrees. He took his shirt off so he could feel the warmth that was missing in his life. With eyes looking toward the horizon, he wondered why Marco looked so sad and woun
ded. Something was terribly wrong. He needed to let David know somehow because the feeling he was feeling was making the hair on his arms stand straight up. Tyler didn’t know if he was just overreacting because of jealously, or because he thought David was in danger. He decided to talk to Melissa first to see what she thought.
Tyler closed his eyes and started thinking about the one issue that had haunted him for years. He knew it was time to face the truth once and for all. He stretched his body out on the warm sand and started making a sand angel like he used to when he was a little kid. It felt perfect. He moved his arms and legs back and forth, running his hands on the surface of the sun drenched sand that surrounded his lean defined body. Those grains of sand sparkled all around him like millions of tiny diamonds. He took a handful of those precious grains and tried to hold them without letting them slip away. But he knew he couldn’t. The tears welled up as they slipped through his fingers, back onto the beach where they were always meant to be.
With tears running down his cheeks, he sat back up and looked out at the lake. The sound of the waves caressed his mind while he thought about life. About his life. How he needed to honest with himself and the people he loved. It became an afternoon of self-reflection. Tyler decided to tell his mother and father that he was gay. It was the only way he could ever be happy. He hoped they would understand and accept him just as David’s parents had.
Even though the tears kept coming, he smiled a real smile for the first time in months. The last time he felt that happy was when he kissed David. With each step he took on the trail back to his truck, he could feel a huge weight slowly being lifted off his shoulders. He felt like he was being reborn. The wind whipped around his body in a way that let him know how lucky he was to be who he was; a strong confident gay teenager.