Deep is the Heart

by A. V. Zeppa

  Tyler came out to his parents that evening during dinner. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. He was extremely nervous but remained physically calm. “Mom, dad, I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise me that you won’t say anything until I get everything out, ok?” They looked at him wondering if he was in some kind of trouble. “Is everything ok? What happened?” His father asked, with panic in his voice. Tyler sat there for a few seconds trying to find just the right words. “I need to tell you something about myself and I hope you’ll understand. I’m gay.” He waited to see what their reaction was going to be before he continued. They stayed surprisingly composed. “How long have you known?” his father asked.

  “Since ninth grade. I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own, but I can’t anymore. I need to be honest with myself and with you. I hope you’ll still love me.” Tyler sat there as tears came. Even though his parents were stunned by that revelation, they kept their response measured and empathetic. Tyler looked down at the table in shame as his father scooted his chair over and gave him a nice long hug. “We love you no matter what. Nothing is ever going to change that. Please don’t feel guilty or ashamed of who you are. We love you just the same.”

  “Thank you for understanding,” Tyler said, holding his father with all his might. His mother stood up and went over and kissed him on the cheek. She rubbed his back hoping to calm him down. “My baby boy. We love you so much and just want you to be happy.” A weight the size of the earth had been finally lifted off Tyler’s shoulders. All three were crying by this time, knowing a brand new chapter in their lives was beginning.

  Those dark thoughts that had run through Tyler’s mind so many times instantly disappeared. They ended up talking well into the evening about a lot of things. His parents were wise enough to let Tyler do most of the talking. He explained how he had struggled with his sexual identity since the age of fourteen, and how he tried to live up to their expectations of what a good son should be. “There were so many times when I felt like I was letting you down, like there was something wrong with me and I didn’t want you to find out.” he said, his body shaking from that truth.

  “Tyler, we never meant to put that kind of pressure on you,” his father said. “I feel like we let you down.”

  “Believe me dad, you didn’t do anything wrong. You and mom have always treated me with respect and never pressured me in any way. I didn’t come out because I put pressure on myself.

  I wasn’t being honest. That’s the stupid thing I feel so bad about.”

  Tyler’s parents tried to reassure him that what he had been going through was normal for teenagers questioning their sexuality. They even brought up David, which made Tyler open up even more. His mom asked, “You’ve talked to David about this, right?”

  “Actually, no, but I wanted to many times.”

  “I’m surprised. He could have helped you like you helped him when he came out,” his dad said. Tyler hesitated for a moment and then explained. “You see, things between me and David are a little complicated.”

  “In what way?”

  “Well, for starters, I like him more than just as a friend. And when I finally got the nerve to tell him, it was too late. He started seeing Marco. You know, that guy from New York. So I decided not to say anything.”

  “You have to tell him how you feel. You owe it to yourself and to him regardless of who he is seeing. He is your best friend.”

  “I know. You’re right, but I want him to be happy for once in his life. He deserves it more than anyone I know. Look at the shit he’s been through. They almost killed him because he’s gay. If I tell him how I feel, it might jeopardize what he is building with Marco.”

  “How do you know for sure that will happen?”

  “Because after I got the nerve to kiss him last fall, he told me that he’d had a crush on me since 7th grade. I kissed him because I wanted him to know how much I loved him as a friend. Plus I was trying to figure out if I was gay or straight. As soon as we kissed I knew, but I was still afraid to accept the truth, and afraid to tell him. I was panic-stricken. Then he met Marco a few days later when he was at Columbia. I knew I had blown my chance.”

  “Well, you need to tell him how you feel. You’ve been honest with us, and now you have to honest with him. You owe yourself and him that,” his mother reiterated again.

  “I know, but I just want him to be happy without any interference from me. I hope that makes sense?” His dad tried to find the right words of encouragement. “You know David is going to feel terrible if you don’t tell him you’re gay, and that you like him. You were there for him every step of the way after he came out, and you know he would want to be there for you.”

  “I know, but I can’t tell him right now. Please understand. I plan on telling him when we’re all home for Christmas break. Enough time will have passed by then.”

  His parents understood as best they could, and finally let the subject drop. They spent the rest of the evening getting to know each other through a brand new lens as they talked about the future, and reminisced about the past.

  There are so many times when the pressures of everyday life get in the way of what a family is supposed to be. This had been the case for Tyler and his parents. He saw them in a brand new light, and they finally felt like they were part of his life as more than just the typical parent/child relationship. Rekindled love, respect, and a brand new friendship emerged between the three of them on that warm spring evening.

  Tyler invited Melissa over for lunch the next day on the premise that they were going to drive to Charlevoix and do some shopping. He needed to finally tell her the truth. It was the next step in coming out to the world. He was more nervous to tell her than he was his parents.

  Melissa came over at noon. Tyler’s parents went to visit his grandparents for the afternoon so he could have the house to himself. The look on his face when he let Melissa in made her wonder what was going on. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Everything is good. I made us a nice lunch before we head out. Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah. That is so sweet of you.” Melissa gave him a hug and could feel his whole body shaking. She pulled away. “Tyler, please tell me what’s going on. Did something bad happen?” He tried to calm down before speaking. “Look, I do have something to tell you, but you have to promise that you won’t say anything to anyone about it right now. Promise?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “Good.” They headed to the kitchen so he could finish preparing lunch. He tried to make small talk while he took the garlic bread out of the oven and the antipasto salad out of the refrigerator. Melissa got two glasses from the cupboard and poured lemonade. She couldn’t take it anymore. “Please don’t tell me you’ve decided not to go to Michigan. I’ll kill you if you tell me that.”

  “Of course I’m still going to Michigan. That’s been the plan all along.”

  He brought the salad to the table along with the garlic bread, and sat down. He was so nervous that he couldn’t look her in the eyes. Melissa started giving him an exasperated look, the same one she had given Brad a million times. He finally looked at her as tears filled his eyes. He almost got up and walked out, but took a deep breath and held onto the table. “I…I don’t know how to tell you this other than to just say it. I’m gay.”

  Melissa could see how hard this was for Tyler to actually say. She got up and hugged him.

  “Thank you for telling me. I’m happy that you finally figured it out. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.”

  Melissa held him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Tyler shook his head yes. “As you and David have known, I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. I started questioning a few months after David came out. I would always hug him whenever he got depressed or cried. It always made him feel better. He told me that he felt connected to me, which I figured out meant he liked me. It made me feel so good when he told me that. I felt the same way
but didn’t tell him. The thought of being gay frightened me to death. And for years I’ve felt so guilty for not accepting it, and keeping the truth from David. I’ve put both of us through hell because I’m a coward. I did everything I could to fight my feelings for him. But at least he’s found someone who makes him happy.” Tyler looked down at the table ashamed of his years hiding and denying. Melissa put her hand on top of his. “Why did you deny yourself the chance to be happy?”

  His tears welled up again. “I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could have been as brave as David.”

  “I’m sorry I asked that.” Melissa said, now feeling terrible.

  “Please don’t be sorry. I need to talk about this honestly, and you’re helping me do that. I started putting pressure on myself to get a girlfriend when I was in ninth grade. My parents overheard their friends bragging about their sons having girlfriends, so my mom and dad started asking if I liked any girls at school. I lied and said yes. Then I really felt like I had to get a girlfriend. That’s when I started going out with Vanessa. And I really did like her. I know this is going to sound terrible, but a lot of times when we were making out I was pretending that I was making out with a guy. I knew I was at least bi at that point, but I still refused to accept it. I wanted to be the perfect hetero son. Someone my parents could be proud of.”

  “You should have said something to me or David. We could have helped.”

  “I know, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t. You and my parents are the only people who know at the moment.”

  “Thank you for telling me. I love you and I’m here for you.”

  “I love you too.”

  “You do understand that David figured it out after you guys kissed, right?”

  “I know he’s had his suspicions.”

  Melissa tried to cheer Tyler up. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Who was the guy you were pretending to kiss when you and Vanessa would make out?”

  He smiled. “It was always David.”

  “I figured it was him,” she said, giggling a little. That made him smile.

  “What was it like when you finally got the nerve to kiss him?”

  “It felt perfect. It was like we were made for each other. That’s when I knew I was gay. That’s when I knew I really loved him.” He started feeling sad again.

  “Coming out is never easy, so you shouldn’t feel bad. And you know David’s philosophy; a person has to come out when they’re ready. He wanted you to figure it out before he said anything. I’m sure he has given you plenty of opportunities to talk about it, right?”

  “Yeah, he has. I’ve just been a fucking coward about it.”

  “I can’t believe my two best friends are gay. This is so cool. When are you going to tell David? Call him right now and have him come over. He has to know. He’s been waiting a long time.” Tyler looked at her knowing she was going to go ballistic at what he was about to say.

  “I hope you’ll understand, but I don’t want to tell David right now.

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to complicate things for him. I mean, Marco is here and they’re getting to know each other better, so coming out to him right now could cause problems.”

  “Tyler, that’s bullshit and you know it. You know he’s had a crush on you for years, right?”

  “Yeah, he told me last fall. That’s why I don’t want to tell him. You can see where I’m coming from, can’t you?”

  “Yeah. FUCK! FUCK! is all I have to say.” They sat there in silence trying to figure things out, but Melissa became frustrated thinking about what could have been.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “You love David, right?”

  “Yes. I love him more than anything.”

  “Well then, you have to fight for him. You have to tell him that you’re in love with him and then let him choose.”

  “As much as I want to do that, I’m not going to. David is happy with Marco. I know he loves him, so I’m not going to make him choose.”

  Melissa disagreed, and was just about to say so when Tyler started to cry. She scooted over and put her arms around him. “It’s going to be ok. Just let it all out.” A few minutes later Tyler was able to pull himself together. “I love David so much and just want him to be happy. And now he is. You can see that, can’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You have to promise me that you won’t say anything about me being in love with him or being gay. Please promise me.”

  “I promise,” Melissa reluctantly said. “When are you going to tell him? You can’t hide it from him forever.”

  “I’ve decided to tell him when we’re home for Christmas break. Please promise that you won’t say anything to anyone else until then, ok?”

  “I promise.”

  “Thanks, I don’t want him to hear it from some random person.” Tyler gave Melissa a nice long hug.

  CHAPTER 21

  David flew to New York a couple of weeks after graduation to celebrate that milestone together, and also have some private time before Marco left on a family vacation to Europe. This visit was completely different from his last one. For one thing, Zander and Claire weren’t around. David found out that Marco and Zander weren’t hanging out anymore. They talked about it one afternoon while walking across the Brooklyn Bridge on their way to have lunch at Grimaldi’s Pizzeria.

  “When are we going to get together with Zander and Claire?”

  Marco stopped walking and looked out at the East River with a melancholy gaze. “Claire left for Paris right after graduation. Her father arranged an internship at the Louvre for the summer. She’s also taking painting classes at the University of Paris in preparation for the fall. She was accepted at Brown University as an art major, so the internship and painting classes will be a nice little feather in her cap. Her parents own an apartment in Paris and she loves to spend her summers there. She was excited to get out of here and begin her new life.”

  “It sounds like it’s going to be an incredible experience. Tell her I said hi next time you guys talk.”

  “She told me to tell you how sorry she was that she couldn’t see you this time. She really likes you.”

  “I like her too. She made me feel welcome the last time I was here. And what about Zander?”

  Marco turned and looked David square in the eyes. “Zander and I haven’t really spoken since Christmas. I told him that we needed to take a break.”

  “I’m sorry if I screwed your friendship up.”

  “It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Well, maybe a little because you were the catalyst for Zander’s and my immature behavior. He was so jealous of you that he wanted to scare you away. He knows how vulnerable I am in certain areas of my life, so he played me and he tried to play you. Getting away from him has been a good thing. It became obvious that he really wasn’t my friend.”

  “That’s because he likes you more than just as a friend, right?” David asked, already knowing the answer.

  “Yeah. I’ve known it for years. I guess I’m just as bad as he is in a lot of ways. I’ve used that against him a million times.” Marco turned and looked out at the river trying to come to terms with certain flaws that ate at him night and day. “David, you need to know that I’m not perfect. I can be a real asshole at times.”

  “Why?”

  “Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue. At least that’s what I tell myself.”

  “Well, I hope you guys works things out at some point.”

  Marco turned back to him and asked, “How can you be so perfect? I know I’ve told you this before, but I don’t deserve you.”

  “I’m nowhere near the perfect person you think I am. Perfection doesn’t exist and you know it. And it’s not about deserving each other either. All I want is for us to be able to trust one another and let things develop as naturally as possible.”

&nbs
p; “Thank you for giving me another chance. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  It turned out to be a very special week together. David and Marco got closer to what was important in their relationship. On the second day of David’s visit they decided to check out their dorm buildings at Columbia. They had a blast walking around campus getting to know it better. They each displayed quiet confidence while walking around hand in hand, knowing their new journey was only weeks away. After completing their self-guided tour, they grabbed a cab and started doing all of the classic touristy things around the city, something Marco had never really experienced. Like most New Yorkers, he was always too busy with everyday life.

  David loved seeing the city this way because they didn’t have to spend a lot of money. It took the pressure off both of them as they explored the nooks and crannies with other wide-eyed tourists. David could see Marco starting to relax for the first time since they had met. He hoped sharing the simple things around the city would help them to get closer.

  David enjoyed walking around it the most, because its intimacy and rhythm slowly started to reveal itself. He began to understand why thousands of people just like him wanted to attend its great universities. Why young writers from small towns came to Manhattan in search of their creative souls. Why actors from those same small towns moved there so they could perform in hundreds of intimate old theaters. The ghosts of the past could be felt everywhere they went. David realized New York City was the modern day Athens and Rome all rolled into one. It was the place where the heartbeat of the entire human race pumped with a vengeance. He was slowly becoming part of this Victor Frankenstein-like creation and loved it. During their four day odyssey, David realized what could be achieved as individuals, and as boyfriends. The layers of apprehension and insecurity were finally being stripped away. The typical templates of their teenage existence were being replaced with a brand new layer of life, a layer that would end up teaching each of them valuable lessons. This was essence of the ‘adolescence to adulthood’ process that was about to hit David and Marco full force.