Avidya
After laying Joshua down in the bassinet that Krissy was letting me borrow, I decided to go take a shower. I wasn’t sure when I’d get another chance to get one with Josh’s random feedings. Normally, I’d asked Krissy to sit and keep an eye on the baby for me so I could get a fast one in, but with Zachariah I thought I’d be okay to get one.
“Knock on the door if he wakes up please,” I said before hopping into the shower. Once he gave me a nod, I shut the door.
Once the almost too warm water hit my back, I let more tears fall.
Why me? Why was it always me?
I didn’t know what to do any more. I wanted so badly to let Zach take away all my problems. I wanted him to stand up and be the father I desperately wanted. I just wanted things that were now so far out of reach, I had no choice but to put them aside.
As I told Zach, I was just me. Just the girl that always had to fight her way through each passing day because of one thing or another.
I was just tired of everything.
I had thought I could do this all on my own, but the past week with very little sleep had certainly showed me just how hard this parenting thing was. Actually, it’d been longer than just a week of very little sleep. I had hardly gotten much since I gave birth to my little boy who I loved more than anything. It was also that same time I lost one of my last living blood relatives.
Most people would call it post-partum depression, but I called it dealing. And I was dealing with it all as well as I could.
The thought of going back to the family that I left was a very close possibility. I knew if I went back, it’d have been so easy to have the help, the love, and the support that I needed. If I did, I feared that Zachariah would have done something to take my child away.
I didn’t know this man any more. Nine months of being away from each other, I had no way of knowing if he’d do something stupid. I had no way of knowing if he’d take what I was so determined to keep.
So, I knew I had to stay strong and keep to my plan and keep things as they were.
The only way I’d move back to the one place that felt like home was if he was able to show me that he could be the father to this child. If Zachariah could show me that we were something that I did have to give up in the end, then I’d return.
If only things would turn out to be happily ever after.
By the time I got out of the shower and dressed, I felt more tired than I had before taking the shower. I wanted nothing but to go try to take a quick nap before Joshua woke up again, since he was a demanding little thing.
When I went back to the living room, I found Zachariah staring at our son as he slept in the bassinet next to the couch where I had moved it. I wasn’t expecting anything out of ten minutes.
I hoped that Zachariah would be open to the idea of all this, but I was not going to hold my breath for it. I knew his feelings on this subject, and I wasn’t going to push it.
He had to know by now that Joshua and I were a package deal.
“Good shower?” he asked as he spotted me.
“Sure,” I said, tight lipped.
“What can I do?” he asked after a moment.
I blinked at him. There was nothing he could do. Nothing that could help ease the hurt that panged inside of my chest.
“Nothing,” I muttered, flopping down a bit too hard on the couch.
“You need sleep,” he said, looking at me like he knew just how tired I was. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to be held. I want to let my husband hold me and make the entire world disappear.
“You’re telling me,” I yawned out. “You try going weeks without much sleep and let me know how you feel.”
“I’ll wisely keep my mouth closed to that comment,” he sighed. “Go lay down, Avidya.”
“Can’t,” I said, letting my eyes slide closed.
“Why not?” he asked, confused. “I’ll…I’ll watch him.”
“Do you even know how to change a diaper? Make a bottle?” I asked, opening my eyes to a slit to look his way.
“Kinda,” he shrugged. “I’ll make due.”
I wasn’t so sure about the idea of him taking care of the baby. Would he really be able to? Would he do something to make me regret ever letting him into the house?
“I promise I won’t leave or do anything stupid,” he said, knowing what I was thinking. “I promise, Avidya.”
After a moment of thought, I moved to where my head rested on the armrest, my legs pulled up so I wasn’t touching Zach. Of course, that didn’t last long. He took my feet into his lap, his warm hands soothing me as I let my eyes slid closed.
I was out in seconds.
~oOo~
I had been so used to only getting a few minutes of sleep here and there. Maybe half an hour if I was lucky. I knew I slept at least a couple of hours before I woke in a panic. I hadn’t heard the baby. I hadn’t heard Zach move or make a sound.
I couldn’t help but wake up in blind panic. Any parent would do the same.
Opening my eyes and sitting up on the couch, I looked around and found the living room to be empty. The blanket that I assumed Zach covered me with was bunched in my lap.
Where were they? He didn’t take off with my baby, did he?
He couldn’t.
My heart pounded in my chest, way too fast as my breathing grew heavy. Right as I was about go into a full out panic, the front door was pushed open. Zachariah and Krissy stepped inside.
“Feeling better?” Zachariah asked me.
I nodded, afraid to say anything.
My shoulders relaxed as Krissy handed Joshua to me, most likely knowing I was on the verge of panic.
“He was poopy,” Zach explained. “I didn’t want to wake you up, so I asked her…”
“He couldn’t handle the smell,” Krissy laughed. “So he came over for my help.”
I looked between the two, seeing that Zachariah wasn’t too thrilled about having to ask for help.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I put the baby up to my chest. It was the type of laugh that I hadn’t had for a very long time.
“Glad it amuses you,” he grunted with a smile on his lips.
“He did well. He even made a couple of bottles,” Krissy said. “He’s a keeper.”
I gave her a smile, hoping she was right.
Just maybe we would be okay.
Chapter 29
Zachariah
Somehow, I was able to keep my emotions from showing as I promised Avidya that I could handle watching the kid for a little bit. She looked so tired, and I wanted to do something, anything, to help her. I knew she wouldn’t ask. She was too strong willed to do that.
I couldn’t help but tell her to just go to sleep. I promised I’d take care of the baby so she could get some sleep. I could handle it.
I hoped.
I did well after I put a blanket over Avidya. It hadn’t taken all that long for her to fall asleep. I felt horrible that she had been through so much in such a short amount of time. I knew she had been through just as much stress as I had been, if not more.
At least I knew I had people who would keep my back if I got into trouble. I had a family I could always talk to. I had a place to live my life. I didn’t have to worry losing everything in a heartbeat.
With Avidya, she had lost both parents, a place to live, and her entire life. She willingly gave up having people on her side to keep her baby. She left me to keep this little human being that I wanted nothing to do with.
She had given up more than I would have been able to. Yet, here she was still on living.
Avidya was so much stronger than I gave her credit for.
When Joshua began to squirm, I was quick to pick him up and get a bottle made. I didn’t want his cries to wake up his sleeping mother if I could help it. It wasn’t all that hard to figure out how to make a bottle, or change a wet diaper. I watched enough TV to know how to do it all. At least I had the thought of how to do it down.
It w
as easier to watch than actually do it, but I did get the diaper changed and bottle made. This little baby was a wiggly little thing.
What I wasn’t counting on, or even expecting, was the feeling I got when I held Joshua in my arms. He was so small in the huge world. He had no one but his mother to care for him, and he didn’t even know what life outside of being a baby was like. He just wanted love, food, and to be cared for.
He didn’t have many wants. He had nothing to worry about. He had no one he would ever worry about letting down.
I wasn’t expecting my heart to grow, giving it room to maybe love this little one.
He looked so much like Avidya, it was scary, but I could also see myself in him.
What would he be like as a grown man? Would he be taking my spot in the family business? Would he be one of the men that I bossed around?
I could never do that. I didn’t want this baby to grow up to be a man like that. I didn’t want him anywhere near what I did. Would there be a chance he could live outside of all that? Or would he be forced into it because he thought it was the cool thing to do, just like I had at one time.
There were so many new worries now. The worries I never thought I’d be able to have because I didn’t want a child.
I had a child. A son. One that would no doubt follow in my footsteps.
A son that I was now fully in love with.
I never thought that someone could fall in love with something so fast. I hadn’t thought it was possible when I found Avidya, and I didn’t think for once second it would happen with this child. But I was proven wrong as I held Joshua against my chest and breathed in his baby scent.
At that moment, I promised myself I’d do anything to protect this little one from that type of world. I’d do anything in my power to keep my life out of his. I would do anything to make sure he didn’t have to be a man in the family business.
It was the least I could do.
Now, facing Avidya would not be so easy. I knew she thought I would be leaving him, leaving her. I had news for her—I was not going to leave. Even if she told me to, I would not be going anywhere.
Ever.
When Joshua began to grunt and fart, I knew I was facing something I had no idea how to handle. There was no way I wanted to wake Avidya up to change a diaper, so I went next door, asking for help. Another thing I never saw myself ever doing.
Krissy made fun of me, but was quick to do what I was too chicken to do.
When I went back to the house, Avidya was awake in panic, and I felt horrible that she felt like I’d do something to either one of them.
I felt out of the loop as I retook my seat on the couch as Krissy busied herself with cleaning up the small mess I made in the kitchen from making the bottles.
“Thanks,” Avidya said my way.
“Of course,” I stated. “You needed sleep.”
“Did you two talk?” Krissy asked, facing both of us with her arms across her chest.
“I guess so,” Avidya said.
“That doesn’t sound all that promising,” Krissy stated on a huff.
“We still have more to talk about,” I said. “A lot. And I won’t be leaving until everything is cleared up.”
“Then you’ll just leave, right? After everything is cleared up, you’ll leave and then what?” Avidya said, glaring at the wall in front of her.
“No,” I said, my voice quiet. “I won’t leave. Not until you tell me to. And even then, I won’t be leaving without you and our son, Avidya.”
“Why?” she asked, her voice filled with tears. “You got what you came for, didn’t you? Why would you want me now? You don’t want kids.”
“Why?” I asked. “Because I love you, Avidya. You are my life. My everything. I can’t live without you. I understand the reason why you ran. I can’t hold you hostage because you felt the need to save your baby. I won’t hold that against you ever.
“I won’t leave without you. I love you, Avidya. And I love Joshua just as much. We will have a family that you want, and I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that. I won’t go back until you will go back with me. If you don’t ever want to go back, then I’ll move here. I’ll leave everything behind.
“You and Joshua are what matters more than anything else in this world. You are my life, my world. I can’t go back to living life like I had the past nine months. I refuse to. You are what I want, Avidya. And nothing will change that.”
“Kiss,” Krissy whispered with a bounce.
“No,” Avidya laughed, a happy laugh this time.
“I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” I stated, lifting an eyebrow.
“Kissing leads to other things,” she said, giving me that knowing look. “And I can’t do that yet.”
“So?” Krissy laughed. “Who cares. Just kiss and make up.”
“Krissy,” Avidya said, a smile in her voice. “Thanks, but no thanks, on the advice.”
“Find, whatever,” Krissy said with an eyeroll. “You both need some food. I’ll leave you two be, but if you need me, you know where to find me.”
That, we certainly both did know.
“Is she always so bossy and demanding?” I asked as Krissy shut the door behind her.
“Oh, that was nothing,” Avidya laughed. “Just wait until you see how she acts around her daughter. It gets worse.”
I couldn’t help but look at my wife, letting a smile pull against my lips. She was amazing in all ways possible.
Chapter 30
Avidya
After ordering pizza, Josh was in his bassinet, Zachariah and I sat on the couch, just enjoying each other’s company. The TV on some channel that neither one of us paid attention to.
It felt comfortable to sit here by his side with his arm wrapped around me. My head leaned against his shoulder as all the stresses of the world left me.
I never wanted to move. I never wanted to change things again. I had given up so much for my own personal gain, and it seemed that he understood. He didn’t hold it against me. He didn’t use it as leverage.
He was just the same Zachariah that I had fallen in love with. The same man that I never knew what to expect when it came to new things.
Maybe he really could be the father I had hoped for him to turn out to be. I knew it wouldn’t be a sudden thing, but he would be a dad. He’d be okay.
We’d be okay.
“Do we have a chance?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the TV, fearing his reaction.
“A chance at what?” he asked, confused.
“Of being together. Of being happy?” I clarified.
“I think so,” he answered after a moment of thought. “If we tried to compromise, we can try to be happy together.”
“You comprise?” I laughed. “I don’t see that happening.
“It is possible,” he grumbled. “If you give me a chance to show that I can.”
I had to give him a chance; I knew I had to. It wouldn’t be easy, but my heart and soul was his. It always would be. I had to give him a chance to prove to me that we could be happy as a family.
“Alright,” I sighed.
“Really?” he asked, surprised I was willing to work with him.
“Yes,” I smiled. “I miss everything we had. I miss the family. I miss feeling like I belonged.”
“Everyone has missed you,” he said. “Even Toby. He’s not very happy with me.”
“I don’t think he ever was,” I mused. “That poor boy. He probably was as hurt as you were when I left.”
“If he was old enough to drink himself to death, yes,” Zachariah agreed. “He thinks I made you leave. And he won’t talk to anyone as far as I know.”
“I should have left him a letter, too,” I mused. “He has to hate me like everyone else.”
“No one hates you,” he said, his voice firm. “They all knew why you left, or at least had an idea. Toby’s just a kid and will understand once he sees you are perfectly fine. Give Violet a call later this week and talk to him. I�
��m sure everyone would love to hear from you.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you again,” I said as sadness hit me once more.
“I can understand, I think,” he stated. “It’s in the past. Let’s just move on from here, okay?”
“Sounds good,” I smiled, leaning into him more than I already was. Moving on sounded like the best plan of action. Putting the past back into the past was the best way to move on. We both forgave the other, so we had to keep on moving forward.
~oOo~
A few days went by, and between everything, Zachariah and I were able to get in a pretty decent routine. I was still tired, but not nearly as bad as I had been since I was able to get a little bit more sleep. Since the first time that Zachariah held Joshua, he was actually helping me with a feeding once a night.
That alone was showing me that he really was in it all the way. He wasn’t going to run off, leaving me or our son to fend for ourselves. Although, if that did happen, I would be able to deal. I wouldn’t have a choice.
Krissy made sure to stop by a few times a day. I think it was more of the fact she wanted to make sure he wasn’t hurting us. I knew that Zach would never do that, but I didn’t mind.
I knew I would be going back home sooner or later. It was all a matter of time. Right now, there was no way that I’d take Joshua anywhere because I didn’t think I could handle stopping every few hours to feed and change a diaper. That, and also all of his doctors were here and they knew him. I wouldn’t be leaving yet.
Not for another few months at least.
I was sure that Zachariah was itching to get back, but he never said anything. He never acted as though we were a burden that had to be taken care of before he returned.
For once, it felt like we were a family with no worries. For once, we were just us.
After Zachariah hinted again to call someone, anyone, in the family, I finally did. I talked to Julia enough times, I knew it wasn’t her that he was hinting at me to call. No, he wanted me to call his sister.
So, I did after Josh was asleep in his bassinet and Zach was answering one of his calls. He had been making sure to not answer any phone calls unless it was family. Apparently, he was using this as a vacation. Whatever worked, I guess.
His to Know (His to Own Book 3) Page 13