by Ruby Dixon
4
ANDI
To think I wanted to murder Benny for stealing my socks this morning. Right now, I’d give just about anything to see his face pop up on the other side of the fence. He could have a truckload of crusty socks in his arms and I wouldn’t care. I just want my brother back. I want to see his lanky body, his slightly-too-long sandy hair, and the chipped tooth that flashes when he smiles.
I might never see him again, though, because he ran away from home.
I sob into Liam’s shirt for a moment longer, giving in to a bout of pity, and then swipe my hand under my running nose and pull away before I get snot all over him. I am not a cute weeper, and he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. Of course I’d get all gross and disgusting in front of him. “Sorry,” I mutter, trying to compose myself.
To my surprise, his eyes are practically black, the gold in them whirling a deep, dark shade. “I don’t like seeing you upset, Andrea.” For a moment, he doesn’t look like slouchy, casual Liam. He looks infinitely more…dangerous.
For a moment, he looks like Rast—completely, wholly dragon. Inhuman.
It makes me feel…strange. I wonder how much of the Liam I see is the real Liam and how much is pretend.
Flustered, I pull away, grateful that it’s near dark and no one will be on this end of the compound. The last thing I need is for someone to see me weeping all over Liam’s brawny chest and then the rumor mill will definitely start flying then. “Okay, think, Andi,” I murmur to myself as I dry my face with shaking hands. “Where would Benny go? Where does a fourteen-year-old boy want to be more than here?”
“With other men,” Liam says suddenly.
“What?” I run my hand over my braid, distracted. “What other men?”
He shrugs, and with that small movement, he looks almost completely human again, so much so that I wonder if I imagined his momentary wildness. “When I was a boy his age, I ran away from my parents’ nest to join a warriors’ camp. I wanted to learn how to fight so I could provide better for my family, or so I said. The truth was that my father was dead and I was hungry to be around other males, not my mother and my sisters. Could it be the same for him?”
I think, tugging on my braid as I begin to pace. I try to think like Benny, try to think of all the snatches of conversation I had with my brother over the last while. We’ve bickered, but lately, all Benny and I do is bicker, and I feel a lump of remorse in my throat at the thought. Benny wanted to move into his own room because he said little Lucas was a baby and needed a glow-in-the-dark toy to cuddle at night. He said the other kids peed in the bed and he was too old to be with them. I told him no, because as the only teenage boy in our little fort, there’s no good place for him yet. We’d have to set up an entirely new room for him, and given that all the women have to share, it wouldn’t have been right. We’d argued over that.
Then there was the time that a couple of nomad men passed through and Benny asked them a million questions. Did he follow them? I think of the men, greasy and missing teeth, who leered at all the women and were asked to quickly move along. That was months ago. Surely not? He didn’t seem to like them any more than we did.
With a pang, I think of just the other day. “You think there are a lot more kids my age in other forts?” Benny’d asked me.
“We’re not going back to Fort Tulsa,” I’d snapped at him. I still have nightmares of that place. I was in the middle of cleaning my shotgun and doing inventory on bullets, and I wasn’t paying much attention to him.
“Not Fort Tulsa, dummy,” he’d said. “Other forts. This place is a fucking dump and it’s full of old ladies. I don’t have any friends here.”
“You have Lucas,” I’d told him.
“Fuck Lucas.”
“Quit fucking cussing! You’re not old enough for that!”
He’d ignored that and reached for my shotgun. “Will you show me how to shoot? You said you would when I was older.”
But we were low on bullets, and some were missing. Thievery’s bad enough, but I was also distracted with the fact that Gwen had left recently and sent back ominous reports of bad news on the horizon, and for us to be careful. So when he reached for my shotgun, I slapped his hand away.
“Fuck you, Andi,” he’d said and stormed away.
He’d been calm later that day, and I’d ruffled his hair and apologized and didn’t think anything else of it.
Maybe I should have.
“I think I’m a bad sister,” I whisper to Liam, and new tears threaten, but I blink them back. “I think he’s been unhappy here for a while.”
Liam shakes his head, and his expression is fierce. “You’re just busy. Don’t blame yourself.”
I’m Benny’s family, though. I’m his mom, his sister, and his guardian all wrapped up in one. I should have been listening. I should have been more careful of his feelings, realizing that he’s been acting out because he’s desperately lonely and unhappy. All those little fires he’s set? All the stuff he’s stolen around the fort and pissed people off? The extra helpings of food? The missing bullets? My stolen socks? That wasn’t him being a shitty teenager, that was him screaming for attention.
He’s been planning on leaving for a while now, I realize, and it’s like a knife in my gut.
“He went to find another fort,” I say, and I feel broken inside. I thought we were family. That we’d always be together. “He went to find a place to live without me.”
“He’s a boy at a tough age,” Liam says, his eyes whirling that intense, darker shade again. “He’s just looking for a…” He pauses, searching his thoughts. “I don’t know the human word. A…face? A name? That’s not right.”
“Identity?” I suggest.
Liam nods, a rueful smile tugging his gorgeous mouth. “Now you see why I don’t talk much. Your language has too many words.”
“You talk fine,” I say absently and rub my arms, thinking. “And Benny’s probably gone off to find another fort. Maybe Fort Dallas? The one Amy came from? There’s been a lot of talk about it lately…none of it good. Damn it, Benny.” He doesn’t know all the terrible things that have been coming out of there, or some of the more unsavory elements that float out of the nearby forts and make their way here. I’ve shielded him from the worst, protected him from things that I thought might frighten him…and now I wish I hadn’t.
If he knew just how bad things are outside of this fort, he’d never leave.
Despair hits me. This is my fault. I haven’t done enough to prepare him, to make him realize how good we have it here. Benny’s so young. Even though he thinks he’s an adult, he’s just a kid, and I failed to protect him. I can’t let him just go, either.
I have to go after him. If nothing else, I have to make sure that he’s safe, even if he won’t come back to this fort with me. The terrible thing is that I do understand why Benny hates it here. I get why he ran away. He’s lonely and he feels like he doesn’t belong, even surrounded by people.
I’ve been there.
But I’m still his big sister, and I’m still going to protect him even if he doesn’t want my help. “You’re positive he’s not in the fort?” I ask Liam again, though I’ve already looked in all the normal hiding spots. When he nods, I push back my fear and give a determined nod. “All right. I’ll talk to Amy and Rast. They can help me go looking for him.”
“I’ll go with you,” Liam says, and puts a hand on the small of my back when I turn.
“It’s not necessary,” I begin.
“I’m going anyway.”
I don’t argue it further. Part of me’s glad that I won’t be facing them entirely alone. Not that Amy’s scary. As for Rast, he won’t acknowledge anyone if Amy’s not around. It’s like we don’t exist to him unless she’s interacting with us. But talking alone with Amy is…weird. Rast never leaves her side, so you’re not really alone with her. And there’s always this heavy, almost oppressive feeling in the air when I’m around them. I know they’re talking in
their heads. It makes me feel like they’re talking about me behind my back. I’m paranoid, maybe.
I head through the fort, and when I start to turn toward Amy and Rast’s quarters, Liam shakes his head and gently steers me towards the kitchens. I bite back a groan of dismay because that’s the one place where no one is ever alone, and that means we’re going to run into others…and Liam has a hand on my back, near my waist. I sidestep away, trying to slink out of his grip, but he just moves closer.
Dammit. “Please don’t touch me,” I tell him again, before we go through the cafeteria doors. I shrug away from his touch and avoid looking at him. I don’t want to see the hurt on his face.
But Liam only laughs as if I amuse him. “Very well.”
I push inside, and sure enough, several people look up. I freaking knew it. This fort runs on tomatoes and freaking gossip. Miranda—one of the gardeners and who’s sisters with the cook Retha—smirks as Liam follows me inside. She’s sitting by one of the oil lamps, working on knitting, two playing toddlers at her feet. There’s a few other people scattered in the cafeteria, and in the corner, I see a naked Rast’s golden backside as he stands next to a petite blonde woman in a long dress, and I head in that direction.
Amy and Rast are an odd pair in my eyes, but I’m insanely jealous of the both of them, because they’re so giddily happy together. I didn’t think happiness was possible in the After. You could be content and safe, but happy? Fuck happy. It went out the door the moment civilization did. But as we approach, Amy laughs, and the sound is a delighted trill of joy. Rast turns to look at her, and the utter contentment on his face makes me ache inside. He loves her so damn much.
I want someone to love me like that. To look at me as if I’m their whole world, as if I bring the sunshine each day. God, wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s how Rast looks at delicate little Amy, and it’s how Vaan looks at my best friend, Gwen. Dragons, when they fall for a human woman, fall hard and fall fast, and it’s obvious to anyone that meets them that their world has narrowed down to one person and one person alone.
Of course, that’s only the dragons that are mated. The wild, crazy ones are still attacking the last bits of humanity that are left, trying to destroy us.
It’s a weird time to be alive.
Amy doesn’t look like she’d be the leader of anything, much less an entire fort. My friend Gwen is tall, lean, and has a strong look to her lovely face, like she was born to shoulder your burdens and help you out. Amy is small and delicate and walks with a heavy limp. She wears colorful, flowing dresses, loves jewelry, and does pretty things with her long, silky blonde hair. She’s girly and sweet and seems younger than I am, though I guess we’re about the same age. It’s funny to me because she’s embraced her utter femininity and here I am always trying to chase mine away. I wear jeans and men’s T-shirts, keep my snarled hair in a braid, and walk around with a shotgun instead of a handbag. Ever since we left Fort Tulsa, I’ve been working hard at being seen as capable and hard. Fierce. Takes no shit.
This might also be why I’m lonely.
Oh well. You take the path given to you and all that.
“Amy?” I call out as we approach.
Rast is the first one to turn, moving closer to his mate. He’s got the same golden skin that Liam does, but the dragon heritage is far more evident on him than on Liam, who does his best to hide it. The spines on his arms flex as he turns, as if bristling to protect his mate. His claws are unshorn and wickedly long, making his big hands look deadly. His skin is a darker shade of gold than Liam’s paler one, and the dappled scale pattern is that much more evident against his muscles. His riot of thick gold hair cascades down his back in a tangled mess, and his eyes whirl dark as he glares at us.
But when Amy turns, she beams happily and touches Rast’s arm. “Hi Andi.”
I smile back, even though I want to hate her for taking over Gwen’s job. I love Gwen. I’m fiercely loyal to her. But…it’s impossible not to like Amy. It’s obvious she went out in the Scavenge Lands—what we call the barren, uninhabited parts of the old cities—because she’s got fresh flowers twined in her hair and looks like a princess. Her eyes are bright with enthusiasm, and she holds a clipboard to her chest, an old ballpoint pen in her hand.
“Do you have a moment?” I ask, glancing uneasily at Rast. Cass is also nearby, a tight look on her face. Her gaze flicks to Liam, who moves to my side and puts his hand on the small of my back again, and I want to scream in frustration when he does. I say nothing, though, trying to keep as neutral an expression as possible.
“Of course.” She glances at Cass. “I’ll get with you in the morning, all right?”
Cass nods, gives me a speculative look, and then saunters away. I’m sure I’ll hear all kinds of shit about this the next time we’re on gate duty together, but I don’t care. Right now Benny’s my number one concern.
I wait until Cass is gone, watching her leave out of the corner of my eye. “Thanks,” I begin, and then pause because Amy’s cheeks are flushed and she has a funny look on her face. It takes a moment, and then I see why. Rast has moved even closer to her and he’s idly playing with a piece of her hair, wrapping it around one finger and then rubbing the strands. It’s obvious from the look on Amy’s face and the subtle way she’s leaning toward him that she’s very aware of that small touch, too, and I’m hit with another wave of envy.
“What’s up?” Amy asks, and her voice is steady as she hugs the clipboard to her chest.
“Benny’s missing.” Just saying it aloud fills me with grief, because admitting it makes it real. “I think he left in the middle of the night to go and find another fort. Maybe even Fort Dallas.”
“Oh no,” Amy breathes, and reaches out to touch my arm. “Are you okay?”
Her sympathetic expression just makes things worse. The tears I’ve been struggling to hold back all day threaten once more, so I lock my jaw and nod. When I can speak, I tell her everything I know, everywhere we’ve checked, and how Liam found his scent trail.
She looks unhappy. “That hole in the fence is going to be a problem. I want to repair it, but we can’t while he’s gone in case he tries to sneak back in.”
I nod miserably. “I need you and Rast to go and hunt him down.”
“Of course.”
Rast growls low in his throat, and Amy shoots him a glance, frowning.
“What? What is it?” I ask, curious.
She glances between me and her dragon. “He’s just…not happy with my decision. But I know what it’s like to worry over a sibling.” She smiles sympathetically at me.
“Why is that a problem?” I can practically feel myself bristling. Why doesn’t Rast want to go rescue my brother? What’s he got against Benny?
“Oh.” Amy hesitates, then continues. “You know how we’re running low on supplies.” Her voice drops lower. “We found an old feed store that hasn’t been ransacked. There are bags and bags of dried corn and seeds and tons of things we can use, but it’s also in the path of a group of nomads heading down the highway in that direction. We’re going back tonight to grab what we can, but we need as much time as possible to clean the place out. But Benny comes first,” she continues, rushing on. “Don’t think he doesn’t. We’ll figure it out.”
Fuck. “A food supply store? Dried corn?”
“Enough to last us all winter, I think,” Amy says, and bites her lip. “We’d be set for the spring, too.”
I can’t ask them to jeopardize everyone at the fort for Benny being a dick and running off. I let out a frustrated breath. I know how important—and rare—a find like that is. Having Amy and Rast able to find stuff like that is what keeps everyone fed and safe. “You guys clean out the feed store,” I tell her, because I know the safety of forty-odd lives comes before one.
“Can you wait a day?” she asks, clasping her hands. “The world out there can be pretty intimidating. Maybe he’ll come back on his own?”
“Maybe. I can wait, though.” It�
��ll kill me, but I can wait.
That night, I’m unable to sleep. I can’t stop worrying about Benny. It’s a quiet night, with the air crisp and cool, and it’s stuffy inside my quiet, lonely room. I put on a pair of battered sneakers and sleep pants under my nightgown, and then head out to the roof of the gymnasium. I like to come here at night sometimes, when the stars are out, and daydream.
Silly, I know, but the open sky and cool breeze help me think when my brain feels all bottled up. So I climb up the ladder, find my favorite spot on the roof, and lie back and gaze up at the stars. They’re incredible now that electricity is more or less a thing of the past. Swirls of galaxies meet my eyes, the night sky smeared with pinks and purples and the endless scatter of stars. In one corner of the darkness, the sky pulses like an open wound, shot through with a sickly green. The Rift. Even here, it seems, dragons and their kind are going to destroy my peace of mind.
“Can I join you?”
I jump, startled. My skin prickles and I sit up, rubbing my bare arms. I didn’t know that anyone else was aware I went up here. I guess it makes sense that Liam could find me—he could follow my scent—but it’s still surprising to see him poke his head over the edge of the building and then climb up, glancing around. He wears nothing but a pair of sweatpants, as if he’s doing as little as possible to cover his body. I think of Rast and his constant nudity and blush, imagining Liam just as naked. “You’re here, aren’t you?” I say tartly. There’s something about Liam that makes me respond with sass.
He just grins and jogs over to my side. His feet are bare, just like his chest, and his lack of clothing makes me feel a little vulnerable. I wasn’t expecting to see anyone, so I’m not wearing a bra under my spaghetti-strapped nightgown and my nipples are hard against the fabric. I cross my arms and hike up my legs, resting my arms on my knees as he comes to sit next to me. He doesn’t say anything, just gazes up at the stars and the night sky. I peek over at him, and his small horns at his temples stick out against his golden hair, obvious without his characteristic baseball hat on.