Intentional

by MK Harkins

  Sarah looks up at me with a smile. “You don’t remember?” She leans over next to me. “How about I give you a refresher?”

  At that moment, I hear the front door opening. I hear the excited clip-clopping of shoes coming right for the bedroom. I know that sound. It’s Mattie in her ridiculously tall heels (she says that nature didn’t give her height, so Jimmy Choo would do the honors). Sarah does a quick disappearance under the sheets. The door opens. It’s Mattie. I see her face. My life as I know it is over.

  Two Months Later: February

  I am barely functioning, going through my daily duties. I feel numb, disconnected from the world. Everyone keeps asking me, “How are you doing?” “Are you okay?” I give the same answer time after time: “I’m fine.” I wonder if they know how messed up I am. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I have lost my one and only hope for happiness. The one person who believed in me, trusted in me, is gone. Mattie loved me with an intensity and honesty that ruined me for any other woman. I will never love again. The loss of love is too painful.

  I can’t believe this has happened—but I did it. This is my fault, which makes everything so much harder. I crushed any hopes for either of us. One night—that’s all it took. One stupid night, a night that I can’t even remember.

  I know I should contact Mattie. I’ve reached for the phone hundreds of times. What can I say? No words can make this right. She doesn’t deserve the pitiful excuses that want to come out of my mouth. I want to say I’m sorry. Stupid, stupid words. Nothing can make this right. No words, no actions. I want to tell her it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t mean to ruin us. I made promises to Mattie. I’ve broken everything. I’ve broken us.

  I struggle every day to find a way back. I want Mattie. I need her. My mind is constantly trying to put together the words to assure her that something like this would never happen again. How can I ever promise Mattie anything when I don’t even know what happened?

  Sarah has not been any help at all. She keeps saying that everything will be okay. How can everything be okay ever again? I am sick every time I look at Sarah. Gone is any respect I once had for her, and for myself. We both deserve the misery our actions have caused. Except Sarah doesn’t seem all that miserable. Why is that?

  It’s seven o’clock one Saturday morning, and someone is knocking on my door. What the hell? I had just fallen back to sleep after another sleepless night, and I don’t want to get up. I reluctantly drag myself out of bed. The knocking has turned to pounding, and now the doorbell is being pushed repeatedly. “For God’s sake, hold on!” I grab a bathrobe and make my way to the door. This had better be good.

  I look at the security panel. Damn. It’s Kaye and my mom. I don’t want to talk to them about this. They are going to be so pissed that I screwed this up. I’ve been avoiding this conversation for months. I consider going back to my room, when I hear Kaye shout, “Don’t even try it, Jeremy! We aren’t leaving until you open up!”

  I swing open the door, turn my back on them, and head for the kitchen. I’m going to need some coffee to get through this. I occupy myself with the task of putting the coffee beans in the grinder so I won’t have to look at them. I can feel both my mom and Kaye standing behind me.

  Finally, I hear, “So, you can’t avoid this forever. You haven’t told us anything since your message about the wedding being canceled. You won’t return any of our calls. What happened?”

  I turn around and face them. I look at my mom and say, “I blew it, Mom. I ruined the best thing in my life.” What more can I say?

  She shakes her head no. “There was too much love between you two to give up. You and Mattie can overcome whatever you think you ruined.”

  Yeah, I wish. “There are things that I can’t talk about or explain to either of you. Just take my word for it—Mattie deserves better.”

  “No!” my mom shouts. “She deserves you! Don’t talk like that. What has gotten into you?”

  I sigh. “Me.”

  Kaye pipes in, “Jeremy, we’ll go talk to her, I’m sure things can be worked out.”

  “No! If I ever ask you for anything in my life, this will be it. I don’t want you contacting her. It will only make her feel worse. I’ve done enough. Please don’t add to it. Will you promise me?”

  Mom and Kaye reluctantly agree. Mom has tears in her eyes. “We won’t interfere, dear. Please tell us, what can we do to help?”

  I look at them sadly. “I don’t think there’s anything that anyone can do.”

  Three Months Later: March

  I am pathetic. I have taken to stalking. The problem is, I haven’t seen Mattie leave her house for the past three weeks. She must go out during the day. Unfortunately, I still have to work. Once I leave my office, around 7:00 p.m., I drive through McDonald’s or Wendy’s, anywhere quick and easy, and park myself four doors down and across the street from her house. If I follow my schedule for the past three weeks, I will wait in the car until the lights go out, around 11:30 p.m. I know Sarah isn’t living there anymore. The day after Mattie discovered Sarah and me in bed, she neatly stacked all of Sarah’s belongings in the driveway. I had a few boxes there too, also all placed carefully over to one side. Tucked into one of the boxes was a small jewelry box. I took it out and put it away. I couldn’t look at it. But I knew exactly what was inside.

  Even though Mattie was betrayed in the worst possible way, her true colors come through. It is against her nature to be unkind to anyone. If this happened to any other woman, I would expect to find all of our things in a huge pile in the front yard, ripped, torn, or broken. No, not Mattie. She remains the woman I fell in love with. A part of me wishes that she had torched all of our stuff. I need to pay for my mistake. I feel like I’ve killed something and the punishment is the living hell that I am in.

  I need to know that she’s okay. I’ve been sitting here for weeks without one sighting of her. What does she do all day? Is she working? All this waiting and watching has my nerves frayed and stretched thin. Finally, after weeks of waiting, I hit the jackpot. She’s coming out of the house. I want to see her. Wait! I can’t see her face! God, please just look over here. I need to see her eyes. If I see her eyes, I’ll know if she’s okay. Disappointment racks me. She walks straight to her car, getting in without looking around at all. She seems almost robotic. I want to follow her, but I’m too worried she’ll see me. I’ll wait. Maybe tomorrow…

  Four Months Later: April

  I don’t sleep anymore. My longest stretch is around two hours. I have dark circles under my eyes. The people I work with have started to escalate their concern. It has gone from “Are you okay?” to “Is there anything I can do?” Nope. Nada. My work is starting to suffer. Things are getting shoved to the side. The job that I attacked every day with relish lies in disorganized heaps on my desk.

  I stare down at my desk. It should mean something. I have spent my entire adult life reaching for this goal. Our law firm is considered the best Sedona has to offer. My name means something here—success. I’m twenty-eight years old, and I no longer feel the satisfaction of all my years of hard work.

  It’s meaningless without Mattie. It devastates me to imagine a life without her. I need her to breathe. I can’t breathe—that’s my problem. There is a weight on my chest that prevents me from living. I realize that all the success I’ve earned means nothing, because in my heart I know I’m a failure.

  Memories of Mattie invade my mind. Her laugh. Her touch. Her smile. When I live in the memories, I feel so good. I smile, and that warm feeling of love takes over my body—only to be grabbed away by a cruel reality. I can’t live in a daydream. Oh God, how I wish I could. Agony. Torment. Suffering. Anguish. This is what I’m left with.

  Five Months Later: May

  She’s gone! How did I miss this? I’m here every day. Where is she? Where did she go? I have no one to call and ask. She’s severed her ties with Sarah, Sarah’s parents, and me. Does she have any other friends in Sedona? I can’t think of any
one. She spent all her time with either me or Sarah. How in the hell am I going to find her? Everything is gone from her house. I’ve moved from my stalker position to actually peering in her windows. It’s empty. It must have happened today while I was at work. Did the movers know that they took my life away in their truck? Did they know that I can’t live without her? Even if I was only staring at her house, just knowing she was in there was comforting. I need to do something.

  I finally get the courage to call her—I just need to hear her voice. I don’t want to bring her more pain, but I need to know where she is. I dial with shaky hands. The phone starts to ring, but then I get the message. The message that I can’t comprehend. The message that brings dread to my heart. “This number is no longer in service.” Holy hell.

  Chapter 15

  The Betrayal

  December

  Sarah

  I’ve been up for hours. Staring. Staring at the beauty that is Jeremy Harkins. I can’t believe it. My heart is pounding. Please don’t wake up yet. I sent a text to Mattie last night telling her that Jeremy was sick. I know her plane lands today in Phoenix at 7:00 a.m. I also know that she will make a beeline right to Jeremy. It should be any minute. Jeremy mumbles and tosses next to me. I stay perfectly still. If he wakes up too early, my whole plan will go up in smoke. I have planned and worked so hard for this. It has to happen.

  I feel Jeremy move again. He’s trying to get up. He flops back down. He actually looks sick. I was very careful with the amount of Rohypnol I gave him. I wanted him to have enough to knock him out completely last night, while still making sure he would be conscious this morning. This has to look real. He tries to move again. I see him look at the clock. His body jerks. Suddenly, he looks over at me. Shock spreads over his face. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  I smile lazily at him, pretending that I, too, just woke up. “Don’t you remember?” I add, “I can give you a refresher if you want.”

  The front door opens—perfect! I duck under the sheet. The ball is rolling—no one can stop it now.

  Two Months Later: February

  I still feel confident in my plan. Sure, there is going to be a transitional time when Jeremy won’t see me. He avoids me at all costs in the office. He won’t make eye contact. He actually feels guilty about ruining my friendship with Mattie. He apologized after the whole drama with the unveiling of our naked bodies together. Ha! That’s a laugh. I told him not to worry about it. Everything happens for a reason. I sang him a little song to cheer him up: “Que será, será, whatever will be, will be.” He gave me a questioning look and retreated into his office. I haven’t seen him for days.

  Jeremy feels guilty for hurting Mattie. He’ll get over it. He continues to insist that he loves her. Good luck with that. I know Mattie. I know for a fact that she will never—I repeat never—take Jeremy back. She is the type of person who thinks so highly of herself that she believes that she deserves better. Oh, please.

  In the meantime, Jeremy needs to get a grip. He needs to understand that it will never happen with Mattie. Once he does, I’ll be waiting with open arms to console him.

  Three Months Later: March

  Jeremy is still pouting. Come on already! I thought he was such a strong guy. I still think he is, but this is getting old. Does he honestly think Mattie is perfect? I’ve known her since we were both ten. Believe me, she’s not even close to perfect. I am the beautiful one. I am the talented one. I have never understood the fascination guys have with her.

  Ever since middle school, it’s always been about Mattie. The boys would always try to get close to me to find out if Mattie liked them. It took everything in me to smile my way through. I would convince Mattie that I didn’t like them anyway. She was always so thrilled that I wasn’t interested in any of the really great guys who liked her. Did she really think I was grateful for the second-rate losers I was left with? Was she really that dumb? Did she really believe that I didn’t care? She would throw her arms around me, giggling, and exclaim how everything always turned out perfectly. She makes me sick.

  Well, one night everything didn’t turn out perfectly for always-happy Mattie. It was our senior year of high school when both her parents died in a car accident. I actually felt a little bad for her—for about two hours, until my parents stepped forward and offered to take her in. Oh. My. God, I remember thinking. This can’t be happening! She has taken every potential boyfriend, and now she has hijacked my parents. They love her. I hate her.

  I vowed to find a way to destroy her. She has ruined my entire life. I waited. I was patient. I made it happen. I am so proud of myself. My plans have actually come to fruition. I’ve done it. I’ve brought down the great Mattie Parker. I let the soothing feeling of sweet revenge course through my body. I feel so good.

  Four Months Later: April

  I’m getting bored looking at Jeremy. If it is possible, he actually looks worse than he did at the beginning. His beautiful face is now covered in a stubbly beard. It might look a little sexy, but combined with the dark circles and puffy bags under his eyes, it gives him a haunted look. I might feel bad for him if it weren’t for the fact that I know Mattie has finally had her due. Mattie is now experiencing the feelings I was forced to feel all through middle school, high school, and college.

  It even continued after we moved to Sedona. The one and only man I’m interested in—yep, she stole him right from me. Jeremy Harkins is possibly the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I think it might have been love at first sight. Not only is he unbelievably good-looking, but I discovered quickly that he is incredibly smart. Such a lethal combination!

  I started in on my subtle flirting techniques. A well-placed touch, a look (innocent and sexy at the same time), a light giggle at the right moment. Jeremy was always very polite. Never once did he look at me any differently than he did at anyone else in the office. Is he gay? Even if Mattie attracted all the guys that I liked, I still had my share of admirers, especially when Mattie wasn’t around.

  It was then that I formulated my plan. The worst plan in the world. I invited Mattie to lunch to test out my gay theory. Mistake. Huge mistake.

  Five Months Later: May

  Hallelujah! She’s gone! I’m so happy. I feel so free. Mattie has fled the state. Even better, no one knows where she is. I want to make sure it stays that way. I have lived under the shadow of Mattie for so many years that I can never go back. I don’t even know where I got the strength to put up with her for so long. She always acted so damn happy; I know she had to be faking it. No one is in a good mood all the time.

  Now I can put my plans for Jeremy in place. With Mattie out of the way, the field is clear. For the first time in months, Jeremy actually approached me. He is so distraught about Mattie’s disappearance he asked me for help. This is exactly what I needed to push my plan forward. Oh, joy! I now have an excuse to “get together” with him to plan our strategy of how to locate Mattie. Ha! It won’t be long now. He is exhausted, worn down, beaten up. He’ll need some well-placed affection. It might start with a neck massage. I’ll make him a few meals (I don’t know how to cook like Mattie, but I can fake it). I can see it now—it’s all coming together. He’s mine.

  Chapter 16

  June

  Mattie

  I breathe in the pungent, mossy air. It’s a huge breath that fills my lungs to capacity. Oh, it’s so sweet and delicious. I love it here. I look around and take in the greenery, the flowers, the air, the water…everything. It’s intoxicating.

  A new friend of mine, Julianne, offered me a weekend at her parents’ cabin on the Stillaguamish River in the small town of Verlot. It’s about an hour-and-a-half drive from Mercer Island, just far enough away to feel like I’m on vacation. I arrive right before sundown. I can’t see the sun, but the warmth is still lingering in the air.

  I met Julianne and her dog, Bear, last month at the apartment building where we both live. She appeared to be around my age. We were waiting for th
e elevator to arrive, when I noticed her fidgeting nervously. She looked over at me and glanced back at her dog. What an unusual dog, I remember thinking. He must be a mutt. With his huge ears and his short legs, he reminded me of a corgi. I stifled a laugh. I didn’t want to insult her dog. She looked at me with a little bit of guilt. She blurted out, “Please don’t tell anyone about my dog being here. I couldn’t find a place to live, and they won’t allow pets.” I let my smile come out. She was in luck—I’m a dog lover. I let her know that I wouldn’t tell, and we become fast friends.

  The cabin is an A-frame, set in possibly the most beautiful place in the entire world. Everywhere I look, I see brilliant shades of green trees and tall shrubs with filtered sunlight streaming through. The river sits back, just off in the distance. It’s breathtaking. I walk inside and take in the cozy surroundings. There’s a massive brick fireplace in the center of the room. I walk over and see a nice bedroom with a queen-size bed. Good—it looks comfortable. The kitchen is small but functional, with a microwave and a coffee machine. I continue to explore, moving into the loft area. There are four more beds, a television, and around twenty board games. I imagine the many fun family memories that this cabin has provided. I turn around with my arms outstretched. I feel peaceful. I laugh out loud—I’ve just remembered that I asked God for peace during my dart throw. One out of two! I keep working on happiness. It’s elusive, but I am plodding my way toward it.

  I sit down at the long table in front of the picture window that looks out onto the river. I watch as a single leaf falls to the ground. As I let my mind relax, I automatically transport myself back in time. My mind keeps shuttling back to my memories of Jeremy. Am I a masochist? Why am I doing this to myself? They float in when I least expect it. This time, it’s our first date. Why must I remember it so clearly? It is a lovely memory, ruined because I know it wasn’t real. Nothing was real. I thought Jeremy was my soul mate. The one. I feel so stupid.