Confidentiality

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  The worst incident of abuse was about three years ago when one of Earl’s friends made a comment about my body. I didn’t react, I knew it was making him mad, so I didn’t even look at the other guy. When he left, Earl accused me of having an affair with this guy. He said the only way a guy would think I was worth anything was if he had fucked me. He told me I was worthless, and my only talent was spreading my legs. When I didn’t fight back, he assumed what he was saying was true, so he left the room and came back with his rifle. He pointed it at my chest, the gun was pressed into my left breast. I asked him to stop, but he just laughed. He told me he was going to make sure no one ever looked at me again, so he went to pull the trigger. I thought I was going to die, but the gun jammed, or it was out of bullets. He was pissed off, so he took the gun and hit me across the face with it. Then he raped me. He pulled my clothes off and forced himself on me. I didn’t fight him, I just laid under him bleeding.

  “Oh my god, Lily. That must have been terrifying. I don’t even know what to say.” I held the papers in my hands, not sure if I should keep reading or hand them back. I found my answer when I looked at the ladies' faces and gave them back to Lily.

  “I had forgotten about that time until I sat in the room with the advocate and Maggie and wrote down all of the stuff I could remember.” Her focus was on the wall in front of her. “How could I have stayed with him after he did all that to me? And, how do you just forget something like that?”

  “It’s normal to forget stuff. It’s a survival mechanism. There are periods during my abuse I can’t remember, not even if I try. It’s our body’s way of taking care of us. You know, we can only take so much. And don’t beat yourself up for not leaving sooner. You left him, and that’s all that matters now.” The adrenaline pumped through my blood as I thought about what Lily had gone through. I didn’t want to think about him ever putting his hands on her again.

  “Val’s right.” Sonya sat up. “There are years of my childhood I can’t remember. And I’m not sure I ever want to. I thought I was the only one. I’m glad you shared, it helped me know I’m not all that screwed up.”

  “I’m just grateful you’re safe, Lily.” Norma gave Lily a soft smile.

  “The more I get to know you, the more I see how strong you really are. Your willingness to share what you went through has already helped each one of us.” Maggie looked around the room for confirmation.

  “That’s true. We get to reclaim our power by sharing our stories. I’m so glad that piece of crap is behind bars.” I pushed my hair behind my ear and pulled my legs under me to get comfortable in the chair.

  “Yeah… but, he gets out in thirty days.” Lily was still not making eye contact.

  “How is that possible?” Sonya asked.

  “I don’t really understand it. The judge said he gets credit for time served, and because this is his first charge of domestic assault, it’s a smaller sentence or something like that.”

  “That’s fucken crazy.” Sonya crossed her arms. “How is that justice? You had to spill your guts to the judge, and that’s the best he could do?” She shook her head.

  “Well, at least he got that, I guess.” Lily turned her eyes to meet Maggie’s.

  “That’s right, dear. One day at a time. A lot can happen in thirty days.” Norma nodded and smiled.

  “Yeah, the judge said the order should be enough to protect me. He said,” she put her fingers up to make air quotes, “it is a protection order.”

  “What a dumbass. He does know it’s just a piece of paper, right?” Sonya shot a look of disgust in Lily’s direction.

  “Well, sometimes they’re more than that. Sometimes the idea of getting in trouble is enough to keep the abusers away.” A heavy sigh I didn’t know I was holding escaped. I knew it was just a piece of paper, but I didn’t want to take the illusion of protection from Lily. I knew she needed it.

  “Earl doesn’t want anyone knowing who he really is, so it might be enough to keep him away.” Lily shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.”

  “We’re all here for you. Just a phone call away.” Maggie took a bite of the cookie she had been holding.

  “That’s right, dear. You’ll never be alone again.” Norma gave her a smile.

  I tried to get the image of the story I had just read out of my head, but all I could picture was Earl’s naked body, forcing himself on Lily. I didn’t know what it was like to be a battered woman, but I knew what it was like to be raped and be taken advantage of. And I knew what fear felt like. I knew all too well what it was like, not knowing what was going to happen next. I knew I had a job to do when Earl was released. At least I’d have time to plan.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  So far, each time I checked the camera at Gram’s house, there was nothing to see. She was right when she said Mom didn’t come very often. I did see the nurse come and help her with things like she told me. From what I saw, and heard, she seemed like a nice person, and I was glad Gram wasn’t always alone. I noticed Gram was sleeping a lot more, but I couldn’t blame her, what else did she have to look forward to?

  Tim and Gabe walked into the living room as I closed out of the app. “Gabe wants to tell you about his first day with yours truly.” Tim pointed to his chest.

  “Oh, I can’t wait to hear all about it.” I put my iPad on the coffee table and gave Gabe my full attention. Gabriel jumped in my lap as I listened.

  “I don’t know where to start.” Gabe’s face lit up. “It was awesome.”

  I raised my eyes and looked at Tim as I pet Gabriel. “Oh? What did you get into today?”

  “Tim let me look at all of the crime scene photos. They’re going to let me see if I can crack the case.” He rubbed his hands together. “I can’t wait.”

  “You got to look at all of the photos? You like that kind of thing?” I tilted my head and he nodded.

  “It’s awesome.”

  “Blood and everything?”

  “Yeah… it’s cool to see the close up of a bullet hole in someone’s head. I definitely wanna be a cop now.”

  “He’s not too different from you… well, except he can handle the blood.” Tim laughed.

  I tossed a throw pillow at Tim. “Very funny, Detective.”

  “What? It’s true, you want to know about everything else. That’s not a bad thing. You have the mind for it, just not the stomach.” Tim pointed to Gabe. “But this guy, he’s got it all. He’s going to be a great detective.”

  “You really think so? A detective? Really?” Gabe's excitement was all over his face.

  “I’m glad you had such a great day. Are you boys hungry?”

  “I’m starving.” Tim rubbed his stomach. “How about we grab a couple pizzas?”

  “Sorry, the day got away from me. I’ve been getting the finishing touches done for the wedding.”

  “Don’t be sorry, I love pizza.” Gabe sat next to me and Gabriel on the couch.

  I loved having him here, it was like we became a family overnight. It was fun watching Tim and him together. I knew Tim would be a great father, and I didn’t want to wait much longer to find out. The wedding was only two weeks away, and then we could start trying for a baby of our own. Tim didn’t know of my change of heart, I wanted to surprise him with it on our wedding night. I figured it was the best gift I could possibly give him.

  Gabe stayed at the house to shower when Tim went to pick up the pizza. When he was finished, he came back to the living room and joined me in watching an episode of Snapped. “You like this stuff, too?”

  “I never really did before, but since working with Tim, I can’t get enough of it.”

  “What is it you like so much?”

  “I want to know what makes people do the things they do. I want to get inside their head and try to understand the offense from their eyes. I think that’s the best way to solve any crime.”

  “Wow, impressive for your first day.” I smiled as I realized what a fine young man
he had grown into.

  “Well, Tim knows so much. It’s a shame his talent is wasted in this crappy little town.” He looked up at me. “Ah… I didn’t mean…”

  “No, you’re right. This is a crappy little town. I like the chance of bad things happening here is so rare… well… until the serial killer… but before, it felt like a safe little community. It was just what I needed.”

  “You ever think about moving?”

  “I hadn’t, not until I met Tim, but I’d consider it.”

  “Yeah, I can see what you mean, though. This would be a sweet place to be a detective… you’d have just enough to keep you busy, but enough free time to not be too stressed out.” Gabe nodded as he bent down and scratched Gabriel on the head.

  “So, what kind of interesting stuff did you see today?” I settled into the couch and pulled my legs under me.

  Gabe laughed. “Tim said you’d try to get information out of me.”

  I opened my mouth and placed my hand on my heart. “Why would he say such a thing?”

  “Well…” He shrugged his shoulders. “That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”

  “Huh? Good point. I’m just curious. I just want to know who it is and why. I think most people in town feel the same way.”

  “Yeah. I can see that.”

  “So, is there anything you can share?”

  Gabe scratched his head. “Hmmm… well… all five guys were shot in the head.” He turned his head to the side. “Wait, you knew that, right?”

  I shook my head.

  “Oh, thank god. Umm… it was the same gun… at least the same kind of gun used in each shooting. They all lived alone. And… there wasn’t any evidence left at the crime scene… well, except for their trademark.”

  “Trademark?” I tilted my head to the side.

  “Yeah, but don’t try to get it out of me, because that’s the one piece of evidence they kept from me. It was sealed.”

  “Really, they wouldn’t share that with you?”

  “No, that was the stipulation of letting me get involved. They said it could destroy the whole case if that piece of information was leaked.”

  “And it doesn’t bother you?”

  “No. I’m just happy I get to be involved at all. Besides, that piece isn’t really that important, or at least that’s what they said.”

  “That would drive me nuts… well, it has since Tim told me about it. I’ve been trying to get him to tell me… but he’s keeping it confidential. I can’t fault him for being professional… but I can’t say it’s not frustrating.”

  “Hmm… why aren’t you a detective?”

  I laughed. “Because, like Tim said, I can’t stand the sight of blood. That’s why I’m not a nurse. I wanted to help people, but I knew I couldn’t deal with someone bleeding. That wouldn’t make me a very good nurse if I passed out on my patient.”

  “Yeah, that probably would be a deal-breaker.” Gabe laughed. “I want to help people, too. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do until I heard Tim talk about it when we met.”

  Tim entered with the pizzas. “Dinner is served.” He tilted his head. “She’s grilling you for information, isn’t she?”

  Gabe nodded. “Yup, just like you said.”

  “Hey… I resent that.” I stood up and put my hands on my hips.

  “It was only fair to warn him.” Tim kissed the top of my head. “Leave the poor guy alone.”

  “I’m sorry.” I placed my hand on my heart. “It won’t happen again.” I winked at Gabe.

  “It’ll happen again.” Tim pulled me into a hug. “I told you, I’ll tell you what I can, but we can’t risk sensitive information getting out. It could get the whole case tossed out. So, all this work we’re putting in would be for nothing… and all five guys wouldn’t get justice.”

  “That’d be too bad,” I mumbled under my breath as I took out the plates.

  “Want a beer, man?”

  “Whoa… he’s not old enough yet. How about a soda?”

  “Shit, I’m sorry. What was I thinking?” Tim put his beer back and took out three cans of Pepsi.

  “No, it’s cool. I don’t drink.”

  “For real?” Tim opened his can and took a sip.

  “Well, I don’t when my mom’s in the same room.”

  My heart melted when his words met my ears. His mom. I was appreciative; he was such a sweet kid. He couldn’t have been adopted by better people. All those years of worrying he would hate me was for nothing. I took a bite of pizza to hide my smile.

  “So, Gabe. I’ve got a question… I don’t want to put you on the spot… but I was wondering if you’d be my best man?”

  “Whoa, really?” Gabe set his drink down on the table and rubbed his hands on his jeans.

  Tim nodded his head. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about asking you for a while, but I didn’t want to make it weird.”

  “I’d love to. That’s going to be so cool.” Gabe smiled as he looked at me and then Tim.

  Tim caught my attention and shot me a smile. I couldn’t hold the emotion in. Quiet, happy tears fell down my cheeks. “I don’t even know what to say.” I dabbed at my eyes with my harsh paper towel napkin. “I don’t think it could get any more perfect.”

  “Yeah, I thought he was the perfect candidate. When I thought about the job, I couldn’t picture anyone in it, not until I met Gabe. I knew he was the one to fill the suit.” Tim laughed.

  “And there’s your first dad joke.” I hung my head and shook it.

  “What?” Tim held his hand up in front of his face.

  “She’s right. That was pretty lame, but we’ll let it slide.”

  “It’s going to be a long two weeks now.” I pushed my plate away from me as I thought about walking down the aisle and seeing the two men I love waiting for me. It was better than a fairytale.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Knowing Gabe was going to be Tim's best man, the pressure was on to find who would stand next to me. Having Gram be my maid of honor would be the last part of a perfect day. I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have with me. At our previous visit, we found her the dress she was going to wear. I knew if I gave her time to think about it, she would try to talk her way out of it, so I wouldn't ask her until she arrived at the ceremony.

  With that piece settled, I had to find the rest of my wedding party. Tim was going to ask some of the guys from the station and some friends from college. My pool of people to pick from was tiny, but they were each significant. There would be no way I could ask one without the other. I let Tim know he would have to find four groomsmen.

  At Norma's house, I handed everyone a card. "Okay, ladies, everyone open these at the same time." I sat down and clenched my teeth. "Alright, … now."

  Norma, Maggie, Lily, and Sonya opened the pink envelope and pulled out a matching card. Will you be my bridesmaid?

  "Oh my goodness, dear. I'd be honored." Norma smiled and placed her hand on her heart.

  "Good timing… my ass won't be too fat by then." Sonya snickered and lifted her butt to the side and slapped it.

  "Wow, Val, that's so nice of you." Maggie smiled as she looked at the card.

  Lily didn't respond.

  "What do you say, Lily?" I bit my fingernail as I waited for her answer.

  "It's okay, you don't have to ask me just to be nice." Her eyes did not lift from the card.

  "Don't be silly, I want you there. I want you all there. You ladies are my friends, and I couldn't imagine the day without you… all of you… by my side."

  "I don't have anything to wear." Lily pulled at the strings on her jean shorts.

  "That's okay, it doesn't have to be fancy. Just wear what you're comfortable in. I'm going to ask my gram to be my maid of honor, and she's just wearing a simple dress. Heck, my dress is simple."

  "Aww, that's lovely. I bet she was ecstatic when you asked her." Norma's smile kept growing.

  "Well, I hope she will when I ask her." I laughed. "I
know I didn't give you much time to plan something to wear."

  "That's okay, it gives us a reason to go shopping," Sonya said.

  "Let's go now. My treat. We could be at the mall in forty-five minutes." I looked around the room to see if everyone was on board with the plan.

  "Wow, that sounds like fun." Maggie tapped Lily on the knee. "Shopping always cheers me up, how about you?"

  "I don't know… you don't have to…"

  "I know I don't have to, I want to. Just like I want all of you standing beside me. It would mean the world to me." I stood up. "Who wants to drive?"

  "I will." Sonya raised her hand. "I have Andrew's Expedition today, so there'll be plenty of room for us and the bags."

  Maggie took Lily's hand and pulled her off the couch. "Come on. It'll be fun."

  "Yeah, come on, you're one of us now whether you like it or not." I took her other hand. "Come on."

  Sonya elbowed Norma. "Norma, yell shotgun."

  Norma cocked her head. "Shotgun?"

  "Sorry, ladies, you're stuck in the back." Sonya laughed.

  "That's fine with me, it'll give us more time to talk about you." Maggie laughed. "Just kidding, Sonya. You know we love you."

  "You forget, I'm the young one, I still have my hearing. I can hear everything." She squinted her eyes and used her finger to draw a circle in the air.

  Maggie, Lily, and I climbed into the back of the black Expedition. "Geez, I feel like royalty in this thing. Pretty close to a limo." I jabbed at Maggie as she sat in the middle next to me.

  "Yeah, my second job is a chauffeur. I expect tips." Sonya joked as she fastened her seatbelt. "Everybody buckle up." She peered at us in the rearview mirror to make sure we complied. "Just practicing… you know, for when this bun in the oven is out."

  "You're going to be a wonderful mother, dear." Norma placed her hand on Sonya's arm.

  With the radio on and the hum of the air conditioner, it was too loud to carry on a conversation with the ladies in the front. Maggie, Lily, and I sat in awkward silence until I couldn't stand it any longer. "You know, Lily, I used to feel like you do… or… ah… how it seems like you do. I used to think nobody would want me around, or that I was always in the way. It's an awful feeling… I still struggle with it somedays." I leaned over Maggie to see Lily. "I know it's hard to unlearn all the crap we were told, but it is so worth it." I sat back against my seat.