“Fine. We’ll both go.”
For the second time in my life, everything had suddenly changed in an instant, and I was no more ready for it than I had been the first time around.
Chapter 28
I woke the next morning with more clarity than I knew was possible for me. For so long, I felt as if I needed to stuff my grief for Ross inside a box, to leave it fully in the past, but I knew full well that’s not how grief works. Grief changes, but it never really goes away. You don’t move on from it. You simply learn to make room for it inside your heart. You learn to let the warmer bits of you take up more space until eventually you get back to a place where there’s more joy than sorrow. But the sorrow is always there.
I knew this, but it had never been the way I dealt with my grief over Ross. I tried to leave him behind on the mountaintop in Allen territory. I tried to leave him behind by moving here. On New Year’s Eve, I once again tried to put him behind me, but I never could. Why did I try to force something I knew wasn’t natural while grieving?
I woke with the answer.
Some secret part of me I never allowed to have a voice had always suspected.
I knew from the way Ross didn’t fight his illness with the same urgency I felt when he got sick.
I knew the first time I’d wanted him but couldn’t feel his spirit with me after he died.
I knew the moment Raudrich told me about Cagair Castle.
I just didn’t want to know it. It was too difficult a truth to accept—that the man I turned my life upside down for was a liar—that he was someone who asked me to sacrifice so much but could betray and abandon me so very easily.
As painful as it was, I woke up free. Ross didn’t want me? That was fine. I most assuredly no longer wanted him.
But there was someone else who did want me, someone who I knew with every fiber of my being would never treat me like Ross had. And I wanted him as much as I’d ever wanted anything in my life.
Olivia was right. If Ross was alive, there was unfinished business between us. What I felt for Marcus was real. I wanted him in my life. I wanted him in my future. I owed it to both of us to get to a place where I really could let Ross go, but I didn’t want to do that without knowing Marcus would be at my side when it was done.
It was time for me to tell him.
I took my time getting ready for breakfast. I knew everyone in the castle would be on guard with me, and I didn’t want to appear fragile or hurt. I put on my favorite dress, took extra care with my hair, and pinched at my cheeks to give them some color.
When I walked into the dining hall, everyone scrambled to pretend they weren’t stunned to see me.
“Good morning, Silva. Did ye sleep well?”
I watched as Kate slapped Maddock’s arm as if to tell him to shut up.
I decided right then it was best to address the elephant in the room.
“I know that you all know. I’m fine. Just please don’t act strange around me. It will only make it harder.”
In unison, they all nodded as Marcus hesitantly pulled out the seat next to him. He still wasn’t sure I would want to speak to him. As I approached, the tension in his jaw visibly relaxed.
“It’s okay, Marcus. I’m not angry. Not at you, anyway.”
He reached over to squeeze my hand as I sat down. “I’m sorry, all the same. I knew better than to keep it from you, but selfishly I didn’t want you to know. I was worried it would change how you felt about things, and I’m…” He hesitated. “I’m crazy about you, Silva.”
I looked at his yet-to-be-filled plate of food and then looked him in the eyes. “How hungry are you?”
He shook his head. “I’m not. I’m so angry with myself, I couldn’t eat a bite.”
“Will you come with me, then?”
I kept hold of his hand and stood, knowing he would follow me.
I waited until we were out in the hall before I turned to face him.
Any of the fear I felt about being intimate with him was now gone.
I wanted him—needed him. Now.
Gently, I reached up to cup either side of his face. “Marcus, Ross being alive changes nothing. I know I’ve kept you at a distance, and I’m sorry. You’ve been so patient and kind, but I…” I trailed off as my voice failed me again. When I tried to speak, it was strained and broken. “I’m in love with you. I…I know you may not be there yet, and that’s okay. I just didn’t want to wait a minute longer to tell you.
“You have to let me go with you to Boston. I have to find Ross. I have to speak with him, but I don’t want to do that without you in my corner, without you knowing that it’s you who now has my heart.”
His lips crushed against mine as he backed me into the wall, his hands moving into my hair as I opened my mouth to him.
He kissed me until I was breathless before moving his lips to my ear.
“I have loved you for longer than you can possibly know. Please let me take you to my bed.”
Marcus’ bedroom was on the opposite side of the castle, but the basement pantry staircase was just around the corner.
Breathlessly, I shook my head and tore myself away from him, grabbing his hand to pull him along behind me.
“Your room is too far away.”
Groaning, he yanked me toward him, spinning me so that I faced him once more before he lifted me into his arms. I straddled him as he kicked open the door and stepped into the darkness.
Chapter 29
He nearly tripped twice in his haste to get me down the dark staircase, but with more grace than I would’ve been able to muster, he caught himself while still keeping a tight grip on my butt.
When we reached the bottom of the staircase, he lowered me to my feet just long enough to light the candles scattered in the darkness with a quick wave of his fingers. As the room illuminated, he turned toward me. My breath caught at the hunger in his eyes.
“Do you know how badly I’ve wanted to touch you? Do you have any idea how much you have tested my patience?”
I smiled at him as I reached for his arms. I was desperate to have him closer to me. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted to feel him everywhere.
“I know. You’re a good man, Marcus.”
He let out a noise that sounded more like a growl than anything else as his lips moved to suck and bite on my neck as I gasped for air.
When I yelped at one particularly hard suck, he raised his lips just long enough to say, “I don’t think I can be a good man right now, Silva.”
His words were nearly enough to make me come.
I shook my head wildly as his hand traveled downward to my breast, first cupping and then tugging at my nipple so roughly I cried out once more.
“I don’t want you to be good anymore. I want you to take me however you need to. Right now, Marcus. I need…” I groaned as he dropped his hand and grasped in between my legs through the fabric of my dress. “I need you inside me.”
The night we’d spent together during Raudrich and Laurel’s wedding had been passionate and long, but he’d been very gentle with me. That wasn’t what I wanted now. I needed to feel all of his pent-up sexual desire. I wanted him to lose himself as he plunged inside me. I wanted to take all he could give. I was ready for it. I needed it. There would be time for gentleness later.
“Silva, are you sure you want to do this here? I don’t know…”
I silenced him by leaning forward to bite at his lower lip as I gripped his erection.
He shivered and jolted underneath the grip of my hand as he groaned and reached up to tear at the front of my gown. It ripped with ease. I laughed as my breasts sprung free.
“Did you use magic to do that?”
He grinned mischievously and leaned forward to quickly nibble at my ear. “Oh, Silva. I don’t need magic to help me with this.”
I leaned back into the wall and moaned as he bent his mouth to my breasts and sucked one of my nipples deep into his mouth.
While his tongue sent me i
nto a frenzy, he moved his hands to pull down the rest of my gown until I stood before him naked.
I reached for the pin in his kilt, desperate for him to remove it so our bare skin could touch.
He could sense that I struggled with it and pulled away from me with a smile.
“They’re the damnedest things. I hate them.”
I watched intently as he removed the pin and began to pull at his kilt. I couldn’t wait to see his erection spring free in front of me. I already knew what he looked like—how impressive the sight was—but I couldn’t wait to see it again.
“If it makes you feel any better about them, you look incredible in a kilt.”
He laughed, and blessedly, the fabric finally dropped to the floor as he removed his linen shirt.
“It doesn’t, but thank you.”
I glanced down at him slowly, knowing he would see where my gaze fell. Slowly, I closed my eyes in anticipation.
“Take me, Marcus. Take me now.”
He laughed again and I felt my center grow wet with anticipation.
“You’ve been so hesitant for so long. I never expected you to be like this.”
I bit at my lower lip and narrowed my eyes at him.
“I’m full of surprises, Marcus.”
He moved toward me, lifting me off the ground again as I wrapped my legs around him.
He kissed me—his tongue diving deep as he carried me to a wooden table in the corner of the small storeroom.
The moment he lowered me to the table, he plunged inside me, his mouth covering my own as I cried out in pleasure at the fullness of him.
“Oh, I’ve missed this!”
They were the last coherent thoughts my mind formed as I succumbed to his rhythm and the waves of pleasure that found us both.
Too weak and sated to stand, Marcus cradled me in his arms as he bent to gather our clothing before exiting the basement.
He stood cautiously in the hallway, glancing back and forth to make sure the coast was clear before taking off toward his room at a speed that had my head bouncing up and down off his chest as I laughed hysterically the entire way.
By some miracle, we made it to his room unseen. Once there, he gently lay me down on his bed.
“Would you like a bath?”
I grinned. “Only if you’re willing to lift me into it.”
He turned away, and I noticed the smallest movement of his hands before the tub began to fill with steaming water from the bottom.
“I insist on lifting you into it. The others would chastise me for using magic this way, but I’m not waiting the time it would take to make us a bath by hand. I need you in my arms right now.”
Moving to the bed, he lifted me once again and carried me to the large tub. Gently, he stood me in the water, keeping a grip on my arms as he stepped in behind me. Carefully, he pulled me against him, and we slipped down into the tub until I leaned back against his chest, the warm water causing me to sigh.
“God, the water feels good.”
He gave me a little squeeze as he kissed the top of my head. “You feel good, Silva.”
As the water relaxed us, we lay in silence until it began to cool.
Eventually, I twisted back to look at him. “When are we leaving?”
He sighed. I knew he had reservations about me seeing Ross again. I would just have to make certain that by the time that happened, there was no doubt in his mind about how much I belonged to him.
“Tomorrow, if you and Olivia are willing. The sooner we can find the information we need, the better.”
As if on cue, Marcus’ bedroom door burst open. I jumped at the noise, and then hurried to cover all of my bits and pieces. I looked up to see Olivia standing in the doorway, both her hands plastered over her eyes as she kicked the door shut with her foot.
“Doona worry. I’m not looking at ye. But ye are both mad if ye doona think everyone in this castle doesna know what ye are up to. Noise from the storage basement carries into the dining hall. Ye should have seen the blushes around the table.”
Chapter 30
It took us a moment to recover from Olivia’s sudden interruption and to process the news that everyone in the castle had been forced to listen to our lovemaking.
I gave my head a gentle shake to clear it before I responded to her. “Liv, just stay right there and keep your eyes covered. I can’t talk to you while I’m naked. Let me get dressed.”
I stood up in the tub and looked around the room for something to dry myself with.
Marcus was already on top of it and had stepped out beside me as he reached for a blanket to drape around me before doing the same for himself.
“Doona worry, Silva. I’ve no desire to see either one of ye. I’ll not peep until ye have assured me ’tis safe to do so.”
Marcus leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I’m afraid you don’t have anything to put on in here. I ripped your dress, remember?”
I looked up at the ceiling and groaned. “Shit.” I paused and scrunched up my nose in Olivia’s direction, although I knew she couldn’t see my guilty expression. “Liv, do you mind running to my cabin and getting me something to wear? I’m afraid what I had on before is ruined.”
She made a gagging sound as she nodded and fled the room. The moment she was gone, Marcus burst into laughter.
“Dinner should be fun tonight.”
I covered my face with my hands. “I’m mortified.”
Still laughing, he pulled me into a hug as he kissed the top of my head. “It was worth it though, wasn’t it?”
I could still feel the aftershocks of my orgasm. I smiled as I allowed myself to lean into his chest. “Yes. It was most definitely worth it. I can live with a little embarrassment.”
He pointed behind me at the door. “What do you think that’s about? She must’ve been desperate to talk to burst in here like that.”
I shrugged against him as my body began to dry and warm. “If I were to guess, I bet it has something to do with Jimmie.”
The door flung open once more as I felt what was presumably a dress hit me in the back.
“My eyes are closed. Hurry and dress, Silva. I doona have much time, and I doona know what to do.”
I stepped away from Marcus and hurried to dress myself. He did the same.
Once we were decent, I gave Olivia the all clear. “Okay, open your eyes and tell me what’s going on.”
She groaned and dramatically threw herself down into the nearest armchair as she covered her forehead with one of her hands. “I told Jimmie that I was leaving with ye, and now he wants me to meet him in the garden straight away.”
I looked at her blankly, unsure of what she wanted me to say. “I’m sorry, Liv. I’m going to need a bit more information than that. What’s wrong with meeting him in the garden? You two love to go on walks together.”
She widened her eyes and leaned forward in her seat. “Doona ye see, Silva? I could see it in his eyes the moment I told him I was going away. He canna bear the thought of it. He means to ask me to marry him.”
“Ohhh…” I drew the word out as Olivia’s concern suddenly made much more sense to me. “And you’re definitely not ready for that.”
“O’ course not!”
She screamed at me as the first trace of tears popped up in her eyes. I hurried to pull her into my arms.
“Take a deep breath, Olivia. If you don’t want to marry him, if you’re not ready, then you don’t say yes. It’s perfectly okay.”
She shook in my arms. I’d never seen her so upset.
“But I doona want to lose him, Silva. I know ’tis not fair to him, but I doona know what I want, and until I do, I doona want to lose him.”
I smiled as I hugged her. “You won’t lose him, Liv. He’s crazy about you, and marriage is a very big deal. It’s okay to be selfish in this situation. Just be honest with him.”
For the first time, Marcus’ voice joined in from behind me. “For what it’s worth, I agree with Silva. I
don’t think there’s anything you could do to scare Jimmie off.”
She pulled away, relief etched onto her face as she looked over my shoulder at Marcus. “Truly? Ye doona think so?”
Marcus nodded. “You have him wrapped around your finger, Liv. I guarantee you, you’re safe.”
She smiled and stepped toward the door, all of the heaviness from her expression now gone. “Then, I shall tell him the truth. Thank ye.”
And with that she was gone, leaving us alone in Marcus’ bedroom once again.
I spun to face him with a smile. “I have to say. It’s a relief to see Olivia crack just a bit. She is wise for her age, but I needed a reminder that she really is still incredibly young.”
“It’s always easier for us to be wise when it comes to other people’s situations. We all tend to lose our perspective when it pertains to us.” He paused and wiggled his brows suspiciously. “Do you want to go and spy on them? There’s a back door to the garden that only a few of us know about.”
My better angels quickly rose up to voice how wrong it would be to eavesdrop, but it didn’t take long for my curiosity to get the better of me. “They won’t know we’re there?”
He shook his head. “We will be as quiet as a mouse.”
Convinced, I nodded excitedly. “Then, I’m definitely in. Let’s go.”
Olivia must have taken a moment to gather herself before meeting Jimmie because Marcus and I were already secretly situated in the garden before she walked inside.
If I hadn’t known Olivia so well, I would’ve felt rotten, but it was precisely the sort of thing she would do to me if given the opportunity. In fact, I was certain that she had done something similar on more than one occasion.
The moment Olivia stepped into Jimmie’s line of sight, he jumped up from the side of the fountain where he was sitting. I smiled sympathetically for him as I noticed his hands were shaking.
“Do ye know how beautiful ye are, Olivia?”
Love Beyond Destiny Page 14