“Lass, did he not tell ye when ye married him how it works with those that hold magic?”
I would have laughed if I’d had the lung capacity to do so.
I lifted my head just long enough to answer her.
“Surely, you can see there are many things he didn’t tell me.”
She sighed again. I knew my reaction was causing her distress. I couldn’t help it.
“Ye are bound to him, lass. Yer heart is tied to his. He can feel ye when ye are near to him. Having ye in this time was torturing him. He came so that I would break that bond.”
No wonder I felt as if I could never truly move on from him. Part of my heart literally no longer belonged to me.
“And you wouldn’t do it? Why?”
I felt her hands suddenly on my knees, and I looked up to see her crouched down in front of me. I knew she was using magic, for as her hands gently patted my legs, my breathing began to calm.
“I couldna do so, lass, not without ye agreeing to the break, as well. Ye need to go to him. If ye wish for me to break the bond between ye after ye have spoken with him, I shall do so. For now though, ye need some rest.”
I was growing increasingly sleepy. I didn’t want to sleep. I was far too confused and hurt for it, but the edges of my vision were beginning to blur.
I heard Morna mumble some sort of direction to Marcus, and my last conscious memory was that of his arms coming around me as he lifted me into his arms.
“What is on yer mind, lad?”
Hours had passed since he’d carried Silva upstairs and placed her in the bed where they would both spend the night. For hours, Morna had allowed him to sit silently while he thought.
“I don’t want to lose her, Morna. I’m not sure what my life will look like if I do.”
Pulling his gaze away from the fire, he accepted her hand as she offered it to him.
“What makes ye think ye will lose her, lad?”
The sound of her sobs still rang through his mind. The pain in her eyes was all he could see. The way tears ran down her cheeks as she finally succumbed to Morna’s sleep spell would stay with him forever.
“You saw her, Morna. She loves him still. It was different for her when she believed he’d wanted to leave her. But if he still wants her, what is there to keep her from going back to him?”
She squeezed his hand, and he had to swallow the lump that rose in his throat as his own tears threatened to spill.
“Ye. Ye are what will keep her from going back to him. Ye need to have faith in what she feels for ye. Ye know in yer heart that ’tis true.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t also love him.”
Morna brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it with such tenderness that he could no longer hold back his tears.
“But, dear boy, ye are forgetting one thing. You will give her a choice where he gave her none. That alone will mean more to her than ye can possibly know.”
Morna was right. The choice had to be hers.
He knew exactly what he needed to do.
Chapter 36
Just as the sun was beginning to rise, I woke to the sudden warmth of Marcus’ body as he crawled into bed with me. I turned toward him, eager for the safety and comfort of his arms. My head on his chest was my favorite place in the world, and I needed it now more than I’d ever needed it in my life.
Sleep—no matter how much I wanted to fight it—had kept me from coming completely undone.
“What time is it?” I whispered to him as he pulled me against him.
“It’s early. It’s okay if you need to sleep a little longer. I just wanted to hold you for a while.”
I smiled as I snuggled into him, but I could feel how tight his muscles were beside me. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I looked up at him and noticed that the corner of his eye was damp.
“I’m awake.” I pushed myself up off his chest to look down at him. “Marcus, what’s wrong?”
He rose up enough to pull me down for a kiss. “Nothing is wrong. But Morna cast a spell to locate Ross. He’s living in Edinburgh. I’ve arranged for Jerry to drive you as soon as you are ready to go this morning. After breakfast, I’m taking Sydney’s car, and I’m driving back to Cagair.”
“What?” Everything about what he’d just said felt wrong. I couldn’t see Ross without him. I wasn’t strong enough.
He must have read my mind. “You have to do this on your own, Silva. You’ll regret it if you don’t. You need time with him to decide what you really want, to get the answers that you deserved long ago. I won’t deny you that. I love you too much.
“And Silva...” He paused as he reached to gather up both my hands. “I’ll understand if you decide to go back to him. He was your first love. I know the power of that. You don’t owe me anything.”
I threw my arms around him as I rushed to protest. “I owe you everything, Marcus.”
He stroked my hair and I felt his chest vibrate as he let out a rough sob. “No, Silva. You have that backwards, love. It’s you who gave me something I thought I would never have once I accepted my life in the seventeenth century. If I have to say goodbye to you now, it was worth it.”
I pulled back and gripped his face so he would look at me. “You’re not saying goodbye to me. I’ll go and speak to him. I’ll see things settled between us. Then I’m bringing Ross back to Cagair so we can all return to The Isle and finish Machara once and for all. But I’m returning to you, Marcus. You are the man I love. You’re the one I see in my future.”
I’d never seen such pain in his eyes before as he gently pushed me away from him and stood up. “You can’t know that yet. Please don’t make me promises now that might break my heart later. I love you, Silva, but right now your heart belongs to two men. Whether you realize it or not, you’re still not sure which one of us you love more.”
I was shaking as I watched him leave me alone in the barely lit bedroom. I wasn’t cold, but part of me knew he was right, and nothing terrified me more.
Chapter 37
Edinburgh, Scotland
* * *
“Breathe, lass. Ye need to breathe.”
I smiled as Jerry reached over the middle console of his car so that he could gently grab my hand.
It was only then I realized that I actually was holding my breath, and I drew in a long, shaky one at Jerry’s command.
“Are ye frightened of him, lass? If ye need me to stay with ye, I will. At the verra least, I can stay for a little while until ye are comfortable.”
I gave his hand a little squeeze. “No, I’m not frightened of him. I’m frightened of myself. Ross has always had a way of overwhelming me. I’m afraid of losing myself to him once again.”
According to Jerry’s navigation system, we were only a few blocks away. With each turn, my anxiety grew.
He surprised me by slowly pulling over to the side of the road before placing the car in park and turning toward me.
He reached over and grabbed my free hand so that he held onto both of them tightly.
“Do ye mind if an old man gives ye a piece of advice?”
I smiled and shook my head. “Go right ahead.”
He winked at me before continuing. “No man can overwhelm ye. Ye are not the same lass ye were a year ago. I know ye and I are strangers, lass. I doona know ye, but I know this—ye have been to hell and back this past year, and ye survived it. Ye led a clan on yer own when ye werena even born in this century. And because of ye and Marcus, that wee bitch of a faerie will be sent to her death before year’s end. Ye are the one with power, lass. Not the coward that abandoned ye because he dinna think ye could handle the truth.
“If ye walk into his home with anything other than yer head held high and yer eyes clear of tears, ye will regret it every day of yer life. This is yer moment to show him the woman he gave up. This is the time to show him the woman ye have become, not because of him, but in spite of him. Do ye hear me, lass?”
Tears streaming
down my face, I pulled my hands away from him and threw my arms around his neck.
“You’re incredible, Jerry. There is nothing I needed to hear more.”
He smiled and turned back toward the wheel. “Good. Now, let’s go pay the bastard a visit.”
He was losing his mind, he was sure of it. He could feel her heart beating closer and closer to him, could feel the anxious catch of her breath.
Was she really close to him, or was his misery making him mad?
Nothing would dull the pain in his chest. Booze, sleep, women—it was always there, punishing him, reminding him of what a foolish coward he was.
A knock on his door caused him to sit upright in his bed.
It was her.
He knew it without looking.
How could he let her see him like this?
How could he not?
She would hate him, he was sure of it. The confidence he’d shown Morna about whom Silva would choose was a façade—a little piece of hope that helped keep him sane.
What did it matter anyway?
She couldn’t possibly hate him more than he already hated himself.
His breath was ragged as he pulled open the door.
And there she was.
Perfect.
More beautiful than she’d ever been.
He could mutter only one word.
“Silva.”
Chapter 38
Jerry might’ve been right about me not being the same woman I was when Ross left me, but Ross certainly wasn’t the same man.
I wasn’t sure what I expected, but it wasn’t the broken man standing in front of me.
I barely recognized him. In truth, if I’d passed him on the street, I wasn’t sure that I would have.
He said my name with such agony in his voice that I nearly dropped to my knees.
I hoped he couldn’t see my hands shaking as I stood there. I hoped Jerry couldn’t see it either as I turned back over my shoulder to solemnly wave him on.
I waited until Jerry turned the corner at the end of the street before facing Ross once more.
He repeated my name, but this time he didn’t have the strength to remain standing. As he dropped to his knees and began to cry, I pulled him to me instinctively, wrapping my arms around his head as I held him against my stomach.
Any anger I felt toward this man was gone in an instant. He looked as if every bit of grief I’d felt over the entire year had suddenly hit him at once.
His tears soaked my shirt as I held him, stroking his hair. I held my breath to keep from sobbing along with him. Only when I noticed a mother pushing her stroller down the street, staring at us with concern did I push him away long enough to speak.
“Let’s go inside, Ross.”
He yanked back as if my words woke him from a stupor. Shaking his head, he stood and held the door open for me as I stepped inside the small, sparse, dingy apartment.
Without a word, I followed him over to the worn and lumpy couch and lowered myself down next to him.
“Silva, I…I’m so sorry, lass.” His voice broke again. I deserved an apology from him, but with each minute that I spent in his presence, I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I’d had more power over him all along than I realized.
Yes, he overwhelmed me. Yes, I’d found his love to be all-consuming, but perhaps, it had been no different for him.
It helped me somehow. It evened the playing field in a way that helped me look at him with the empathy I knew I would need to survive this night.
This wasn’t a man justifying his wretched actions. This was a man broken by guilt and remorse. This man had missed me just as much as I’d missed him.
“I know, Ross, but you have to tell me why. You have to tell me why you did it. I don’t understand.”
He took a deep, unsteady breath and closed his eyes as if to gain his composure. Then he began to speak. “’Tis a long story, lass.”
“I’ve got all the time you need. I’ve been waiting a very long time to hear it.”
He sighed and reached for my hands. It wasn’t until he began to stroke them as he’d done a million times before that I realized perhaps I shouldn’t have allowed him to touch me so easily. It was just automatic with Ross. There was too much history, too many habits that wouldn’t die easily.
“When I was young, I made a cowardly and selfish decision to run from a fate that should’ve been mine.”
I interrupted to confirm what Marcus and I already suspected.
“You were supposed to be one of The Eight?”
He nodded. “Aye, but ye know me, Silva. I’ve too solitary a nature, too wild of a streak inside me to be beholden to a destiny outside of that which I make for myself. I couldna do it, so I fled to this time, and by doing so, I sent a man who shoulda been laird to be a servant to one.”
I thought of Raudrich. Ross’ worry was for naught. For as long as I’d been at Castle Murray, Raudrich was more the leader of the keep than Nicol.
“If it will ease your guilt a little, Raudrich is servant to no one.”
Ross shook his head before looking down at our combined hands.
“I should feel guilt for leaving, but I havena regretted it for a single day. Leaving allowed me to meet ye, and ye have been the joy of my life. If only I’d never taken ye there, perhaps I wouldna have had to hurt ye so.”
I understood why we’d gone back. Even if he didn’t feel guilty that his decision had changed Raudrich’s life, he still cared for his friend. He’d wanted to be there to help when Raudrich’s brother was killed. It was everything after that time that made no sense to me.
“What happened there, Ross? What made you believe you needed to leave me there?”
I listened as he spoke of the mountaintop and the well I’d seen on my visit to throw away my ring. As I listened, much of my anger returned.
“But Ross, if you saw me at The Isle, if you believed that it was my destiny to be there, why not just take me there yourself?”
He looked up from our hands and into my eyes as his gaze pleaded with me to understand. “Do ye truly believe that ’twas not exactly what I wished to do? The pool showed me more than just ye. It showed me the man ye are with now, lass. The other member of The Eight whom ye now love.”
I swallowed uncomfortably. “You saw Marcus?”
His voice sounded strangled as he answered. “Aye. Never in my life have I wanted to kill a man more, but while I could choose to run from my destiny, how could I allow ye to do the same? I couldna do so. So I left ye, knowing that in time yer destiny would find ye. And so it seems, it has.”
Stunned, I sat there silently as my mind sorted through the barrage of thoughts that fought for my attention.
“You should have given me a choice, Ross. If you saw that my future wasn’t with you, you should have told me. It should’ve been up to me all along.”
He gave me a gentle smile, and it was the first time I could see that part of the man I’d known still remained inside him.
“Silva, lass, yer heart was as much mine then as mine will be yers forever. Ye wouldna have believed me had I told ye. Even if I had, ye would’ve fought like hell against it. Ye would have fled with me back to this time. Ye would’ve damned them all. Without ye, Machara canna be killed. I may be a selfish arse of a man, and while I could send my best friend to a duty that should have never been his, I couldna send him to his death. And without ye, lass, they all die.”
As much as I hated it, I knew Ross was right. I would have done anything to stay with him. At that time, death was the only way I would have ever let him go.
I looked at him, at the pain in his eyes, and all I could feel for him was love. He saw himself as selfish, but that was the very last thing he was.
By grieving him, my heart had been allowed to heal. By believing that he was gone, I’d been given the opportunity to love again. What had this year been like for him? What would it have been like for me had our roles been reversed?
Would I
have been able to let him go even if I knew he was meant for someone else when everything in me still loved him as much as it ever had?
I knew the answer was no.
I pulled him close to me as I kissed his cheek before moving my hands to either side of his face as I spoke to him.
He was still the man I’d known. He was still the kind, loving, adventurous man I’d fallen for, but circumstances beyond him had broken him, and all he’d done was respond in the best way he knew how.
“Ross, you have to forgive yourself. You are not a selfish man. What you did as a boy wasn’t selfish. It was sensible. All you knew was that you didn’t want to be bound to anyone else. You had no way of knowing what that would mean for Raudrich. And what you’ve done now…” I paused as my own tears spilled over. Once again, I was overwhelmed by him but for a very different reason. “It is the bravest, most selfless thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.”
He surprised me by laughing. “Doona fool yerself, lass. If I truly believed that enough of yer heart still belonged to me for ye to be happy, I would take ye right here on this couch and never let ye go again. I am only able to do this because I know I have lost.”
I couldn’t argue with him. I held as much love in my heart for Ross as I did anyone on earth, but I was no longer in love with him, and he knew it. We had to break the bond between us, but first I needed to know if he could live in pain for a while longer to save yet another life.
“Ross?”
He pulled his face away from my hands and gathered them in his lap once again. “Aye?”
“I know you’ve already given up so much for me, but there’s something else—something that I have no right to ask of you—that I need you to do.”
He bent to kiss my hand, and my heart squeezed with love for him. “Canna ye see, lass? There is nothing I wouldna do for ye—even tear out my own heart.”
Chapter 39
Love Beyond Destiny Page 17