THE ORIGINAL SINNERS
Before they lived in our books and on our screens, vampire legends were passed down by word of mouth. While many parts of the world had their own vampire lore and gruesome ways to beat the beasts, there was hardly a kind word for any of these bloodsuckers. Most of them were described as reanimated corpses and were met with such fear that it caused a veritable corpse exhuming, beheading, and burning palooza in the eighteenth century in Eastern Europe.
One of the oldest and most popular tales of Villainous Vampire attacks happened in Kisolova, Serbia, in 1828. A villager named Peter Plogojowitz died and was buried, but according to the lore he returned to his house three days after his burial, hungry and looking for his son. Two days after that he reappeared again, and the next day his son was found dead. The citizens of Kisolova were suddenly being attacked and falling ill from loss of blood, and all claimed that Plogojowitz had bitten them on the neck. Eventually the town had enough and exhumed the body, finding him with eyes open, looking not-so-dead, and breathing ever so slightly. On his mouth was fresh blood. The townspeople drove a stake through his heart and burned the body.
Stories like this popped up all over the world. Someone dies, they come back, more people die, time to dig up and destroy the body. This vampire rumor mill only added fire to the vampire hysteria that would take us all the way through to today.
THAT’S A LOT OF VAMPIRIC LOOK: PHYSICAL IDENTIFIERS
Attire
The most blatant “tell” for the deadliest of vampires is easily the hideous, dated, or over-the-top trimmings baddie vamps adorn themselves with. Although loners and Romantics are praised for their grasp of modern-day attire, these particular knaves are, as vampire slayer Jack Crow35 would say, “fashion victims.” Okay, maybe he was a bit harsher, but you get the picture.
The list of crimes against fashion by evil vampires is long. Sadly, all attempts to make a Villainous Vampire trendy would fall on deaf ears. This is a proud bunch, and they’re not going to waste time fretting about trying to fit in. They do not care, nor will they lower themselves for human or even Romantic Vampire approval. Think of Hemophage sceleratus as a poorly dressed club full of elaborately overaccessorized members, some clad all in leather. You really can’t expect people to look their best when the company they keep includes characters similar to Herbert von Krolock, the ridiculous fop from The Fearless Vampire Killers, and those who insist on overlapping eight different kinds of necklaces.36
So if you see a figure stomping about shirtless, with a leather jacket hanging open over his exposed chest, chances are that’s a Villainous Vampire. Their distaste for undershirts is remark able. Although most undead and human minds would think that perhaps a jacket with long, dragging tails wouldn’t be the most practical thing to purchase, it’s an übervamp’s go-to getup, practicality be damned. The same goes for inappropriate seasonal attire. Because vampires aren’t as vulnerable to temperature changes as humans, this means they can wear whatever they want year round, See a young lady parading about in the same bushy fur coat for days in the middle of the summer heat wave, but hardly breaking a sweat? Vampire.
In a way, the media hype machine is partly to blame for these tragic vampire fashions. From the beginning, when Max Schreck’s Count Orlok was transformed into the dapper but poorly styled Count Dracula on stage, famed actors Béla Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and Frank Langella continued the tired formal attire legacy with red satin-lined capes, popped collars, even plunging open shirts (thanks, Frank), topped with medallions.37 This paved the way for sad vampire fashions among the bunch.38 These pop culture representations of vampires with a penchant for evil drive home the reality that Villainous Vamps appear to still be getting dressed in the dark.
So keep your guard up around those smirking shirtless lurkers who look like rejected stand-ins from a My Chemical Romance music video.
The Lackey: A Villain’s Best Accessory
A great way to pick out the Big Bad is by the company they keep. Although many of the evil undead have committed to living a life of solitude, others choose to partake in the services of the sidekick. The limping, deformed manservants of yesterday are still finding ample employment caretaking for their evil masters. Granted, many Villainous Vampires have upgraded to a non-appearance-challenged helper, as it is easier to fly under the radar of humanity undetected if your escort isn’t parting the sidewalks in shrieks with his overall look. Plus, no one wants a show-off.39
The lackey is even more useful than a harem full of vampire brides. A manservant can become a day driver, block up the windows in a mansion, even score the night’s meal. In fact, lackeys have been getting organized over time. Take for example the society of familiars from the Blade series (each human member tattooed with the glyph of the house he serves). Not only is this clan made up of hungry followers eager to do a vampire’s bidding, but the members include police officers, lawyers, psychologists, and more. It’s a veritable Yellow Pages of free services, and all they need is the mere promise of immortality; they don’t actually have to receive it.
TRICKS TO IDENTIFYING AN EVIL HENCHPERSON
• Spends the day running menial chores for a boss he fears more than death
• Is a “yes” person
• His employer’s goals are his own individual goals as well (an apparent lack of personal drive or motivation)
• Has little to no personal concern for his own well-being
• Always hitting on attractive people for “a friend”
• Sometimes calls said friend “Master”
• Avoids eye contact
• Has odd eating habits (bugs, birds, worms, etc.)
• Is overly protective of his employer; does not give out names, dates, or addresses
• Will rocket into severe depression if he fails at anything
• Mysterious bruises, limps, and cuts appear from time to time; if asked about the wound’s origin, it’s because he “deserved it”
• Has an off-putting name or nickname
• Takes orders from a voice inside his head
• Retells “the boss’s” stories with great excitement and obvious exaggeration
• Has an impressive scamper and even more effective creep
• Is often seen hauling out large and heavy black bags to the river, lake, or dump
• Lacks moral scruples
• Gives the impression that his boss is a terribly difficult and tedious and unpleasant person, yet he sees no fault in him.
• His boss is a notably powerful and extremely unpleasant person (this is true only for a henchman whose boss is an already known public figure)
• Overly protective of the trunk of his car
• Above all, exhibits unwavering loyalty
But be warned, those of you considering becoming a lapdog to the evil ones: It rarely works out in your favor. Never forget you are still rotting flesh in their eyes, as expendable as a thawed-out steak in the fridge. Justify your undead allegiance all you want—“I’d rather be a pet than cattle”40—you will most likely get betrayed, left behind, discovered by the authorities (or worse, your master’s enemies), or devoured if it’s snack time, no matter how solid your deal for fame, riches, sex, or the standard promise for eternal life was at the time. About ninety percent of all sidekicks end up as scraps between the canines of their former boss. Promises mean nothing to Villainous Vampires; remember, it was the cold boss Marlow who remarked, “The things they believe,”41 mere moments before snapping his lackey’s neck.
A RAINBOW ASSORTMENT OF TERROR: PHYSICAL FEATURES
Skin
Similar to the other classifications, most of the physical features possessed by a vampire are used for one thing only: to serve their need to feed. Just like the rest of the vampire community, many Hemophage sceleratus also have alluring soft skin.
Although we may have poked a bit of fun at the Big Bad’s dress code, that doesn’t mean it’s not a delight to watch that exposed skin
dance and sway from beneath a scantily clad outfit. Granted the costume attire may make them stick out like a sore thumb in society, but that doesn’t make their physique any less . . . compelling. The luscious skin conjures up all sorts of come-hither ideas in a mortal’s mind. No one’s complaining when they get an eyeful of the alabaster skin of a lesbian vampire queen dancing about in a negligee for your delight. It’s when the half-naked lady goes to the market all done up that she causes a scene and risks unwanted attention from slayers or others that may disrupt her lifestyle. So while the overly sexed style you see a lot of vampires in does have its drawbacks, no one’s exactly telling those dressed like Ingrid Pitt from Countess Dracula to put on a sweater. They’re not about to risk covering up their greatest predatory asset.
On the flip side of their unwavering beauty, Villains can also seriously turn on the ugly. We’ve seen countless representations of vampires with grotesquely fair skin, creased faces, and black bags under their eyes.42 Why is their skin so light? Many believe that an ultrasensitivity to UV rays, which keeps this variety of vampires out of the light, has caused the creature to evolve with little to no pigment in the skin. This skin affliction certainly doesn’t deter them from stalking necessary prey. Again, this type of vampire dismisses the need to blend in. Some use it to their advantage; popping up with a mouth full of fang and a face like a wolf can help them shock a victim deer-in-the-headlights style.
Certain members of the sceleratus society have evolved beyond these two villainous skin divisions and have learned how to control their physical exterior. These creatures often swap from human form to that of a natural predator, similar to the snake and the bat. It’s not uncommon to find that when threatened or excited, a certain breed of vampires’ epidermis will take on a scaly appearance like that of a snake or lizard—or they may just take on the form of a giant predator entirely (the bat is most common).
However, not all Villains are torn between looking frightening or seductive. The truly clever beasties can morph from one to another, unless provoked by anger or sadness. Gary Oldman’s representation of this ability in Bram Stoker’s Dracula is possibly the most notable. He went from powdered hair, wrinkled skin, and claws to long-haired, top-hatted hottie with the flip of a switch. Unfortunately for him, his emotions got the best of him when his face mutated back into that of a strange pasty cat creature streaked in bitter black tears. Truly these beings are often at the mercy of their emotions.43
Limbs
An easy way to identify vampires who are up to no good is by locating and analyzing the limbs of a vampire. Unique to many types of Hemophage sceleratus are distorted clawlike talons that have developed into hunter’s tools, perfect for shredding flesh. With one swoop of his extended claw, Jerry Dandrige from Fright Night tore through a bouncer’s neck in seconds. The claws can be used offensively, defensively, and during feedings. The nails of a vampire claw are razor sharp, so remember to freeze and act with caution should you find a vampire hand creeping up your leg. Any sudden movements, jerks, or twitches could mean one less appendage.
As far as looks go, think of a twitching corpse hand, where the nails have had ample time to grow. The skin will look cracked with a yellow or green discoloration and appear stretched over pulsing veins and strangely large knuckles as if twisted over the bones. Each digit will be extended far beyond a normal length, and it seems there really is no limit as to how long a vampire digit can grow. The fingernails will be exceedingly long, cracked, and not particularly clean.
And finally, bear in mind that some breeds of evil vamps do not need to be sitting next to you in order to paw all over your precious flesh. Nosferatu hands are known for their seemingly impossible ability to reach for objects across the room. Even the shadows of their appendages can wake you from your slumber with a cold clammy shiver running through your body.
Eyes
The eyes of Hemophage sceleratus are rarely used in the same manner as those of other vampires. In fact, most of the eye color conversions in Villainous Vampires either happen upon turning and stay that way, or occur only when their adrenaline is raised.
The most popular eye color changes within the evil realm are the blackout (when the eye turns totally black), yellow fever (when the iris of the eye changes to a yellow hue during an adrenaline rush), and the common bloodred eye, which can indicate either an increase in adrenaline or a serious blood craving. A general rule of thumb for Villains is that any eye flash, big or small, should be taken as a warning sign. Exit the premises immediately and head toward a safe location at the first twinge of optical discoloration.
Fangs
Of all fanged beasties, the Villain has by far the most varied selection of dentition. The range and mutation of the evil vampiric incisor is a delightful collection of variety and shape for any fangophile.
The evolution of the Villainous mouth is most fascinating. Max Schreck’s Nosferatu and the miniseries Salem’s Lot’s Kurt Barlow had incisors situated right in the forefront of the mouth, making conversation impossible. Nowadays most vampire canines have crept to the sides of the jaw, making verbal communication and venturing out into the world much easier. Still, if the vampire has no need for such frivolities as friendships, then there’s a good chance he’s still sporting the front-of-the-mouth fang look.
Earlier, we discussed the embarrassing incident that may occur from time to time called the fang slip. Villains rarely experience this sort of occurrence, and they are hardly embarrassed by the occurrence if they do. The pearly whites are a proud part of the evil vamp’s life (no matter how mangled). If they’re turned on by the sight of flesh and want to spend an evening sucking on your neck or making you their puppet, so be it. If the teeth come out, the teeth come out; a Hemophage sceleratus will expose his canines whenever he sees fit. These particular vampires are way more about the bloodlust than getting you naked, though that doesn’t mean they don’t delight in the pleasures of the human flesh now and again, nor does it mean they don’t commonly pick out the most handsome neck to nibble on. But it’s normally a feeding-first mind-set, pleasure later (even when they’re engaged in both acts at the same time).
An interesting pop culture take (possibly the most challenging to the media’s perceptions of vampires) is the evolution of the fang to a more gruesome level made popular by film director and writer Guillermo del Toro. His examination of vampiric evolution has opened the world’s eyes to possible futuristic mutations of the vampire species. His early work on Blade II demonstrated that vampires could possibly mutate further into even more vigorous hunters with chins that could snap open like a Venus Flytrap. His efforts should be applauded for continuing to remind society that this creature is not stagnant. It will continue to change and adapt and become more ferocious and capable throughout each century. Del Toro continued on with these mutated viral vampires in his work on the book series The Strain. The first novel truly ups the gore and shock value, introducing vampires that use stingers to inject their prey with paralyzing venom while sucking on their blood and defecating all at once, and that’s not even the truly disturbing moments.44
HOME IS WHERE THE UNDISTURBED DIRT IS: HABITAT
The range of personalities within this genre opens the door to a large variety of habitats. The most prevalent evil vampire habitats of today range from the highly secure and very expensive apartments, condos, or mansions all the way down to run-down homes in the middle of nowhere. Plenty of vampires have even been known to sleep in the dirt should there be issues on the homestead.
HAUNTS TO AVOID
Steer clear of circuses, carnivals, or boardwalks at night, specifically run-down examples. For some reason these attractions seem to draw in the undead like sharks to an open wound at sea. Don’t go poking around a romantic boardwalk late at night unless you want to find the sharp and pointy end of a fang in your neck. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie), The Lost Boys, Cold Hearts, and Cirque du Freak all pretty much guarantee that if you go to a carnivalesque area
, you’re highly likely to run into a hungry vamp or two.
Also avoid isolated, run-down motels in the middle of nowhere. Environments like this likely have zero cell reception, one phone line to cut, little to no lights surrounding the street, light foot traffic, and no neighbors within screaming distance. Motels in the rural areas are practically a bed-and-breakfast buffet for a vampire. They can murder the entire staff and the few guests, then sleep off the blood coma in a vacant room, possibly for days, before anyone gets wind of what happened. Let Jack Crow’s former vampire slayer crew be an example to you all: Nothing good will come from staying in random motels.
It should go without saying, but avoid run-down houses. If there’s a rumor that a place is haunted, chances are those rumors have been started for good reason: to keep you out. Make the vampires work for their meal; don’t be a delivery service.
Finally, do not attend private parties where you’ve been invited by a mysterious lip-licking stranger when no one you know is involved. Did you get an invitation to join a club you’ve never heard of, promising a big feast, and yet there’s no caterers or kitchen about? Get out before they bolt you in and serve you up. Check the Internet first; if there’s no information about the people, place, invitation design, and so on, then there’s a chance you’ve just been invited over as dinner for a vampire soiree. Urban legend fan sites often know the real deal, whether it seems hokey or not.
Vampire Taxonomy Page 5