Vampire Taxonomy

by Meredith Woerner

  The Ulnar Artery

  The ulnar artery is a commonly accessed point of entry for both vampire friend and foe. Whenever you see a vampire bite into his own skin to share his blood, it’s from this artery in the wrist. This attack is often done under the guise of friendship. So be careful when offering your hand to a nosferatu; you’re only a few digits away from a problem artery.

  The Median Cubital Vein

  The median cubital vein is the big blue line running down the inner side of your arm. Although not as dangerous an attack point as opening up the jugular, it’s still a problem if a vampire gets his fangs in there.

  The Great Saphenous Vein

  This is perhaps the most scandalous of weaknesses, as it’s located in the inner thigh of the victim. A professed favorite of many vampires, as it is perfectly positioned on the highest part of the inner thigh, it’s a veritable keg tap to a human’s circulatory system. But in order to allow a vampire to get there . . . well, we don’t need to tell you that. This particular vein should be looked after during romantic affairs, be they of the “one night” variety or more long-term.

  Defense Moves

  Although it would be great to tell you that everyone should keep a trunk of crossbows, hatchets, and stakes in their living room, Buffy Summers-style, the reality is we cannot condone unauthorized use of weapons. There’s no such thing as a close call when a human has been accidentally impaled by a wooden stake. Our advice: Leave the big guns to the trained slayers and Dhampirs. But you should know a few easy moves to help get you out of a vampire entanglement.

  Yell First

  You’ve got a better chance of escape when approached by a vampire if you yell for help. Not scream, yell. Think of all the times you’ve heard someone scream and wrote it off as people fooling around; that person could have been eaten by a vampire, and you wouldn’t have even known. Yell clearly and loudly, “Help!” or “Fire!”—anything that will draw quick attention to you, as vampires hate a crowd and a sticky situation. Chances are he’ll let you go and try to pick off a quieter snack. Don’t yell out “Vampire!” because you’ll most likely receive laughter instead of aid. The rest of the world is in the dark.

  Hit Them with Your Best Shot

  Although we strongly suggest yelling first, should you need to go on the offense, we suggest hitting them where it hurts. Vampire genitalia (in almost all cases, minus a few Guillermo del Toro beasties) will respond to both positive and negative touch. Whack ’em dead center where it counts and bolt. Don’t stick around to watch what happens. The next best spots for a strike are the eyes, nose, and throat, but as a vampire’s body no longer functions like that of a human, the chance of real damage is slim.

  Run Like Hell

  Run toward a crowded, well-lit area. This doesn’t mean a creepy boulevard; shoot for popular venues, like a Starbucks packed to the brim with people. Remember that a commotion can be used in your favor to scare off an undead attacker.

  WHAT TO DO IN THE EVENT OF A VAMPIRE UPRISING

  Although the probability of all the vampire kinds uniting is slim (vampires are notoriously solitary folk unless in a gang [see Chapter 7]), the occasional vampire uprising has been happening since the ancient days. Even today, you can see clippings of small vampire skirmishes where bold undead minds have tried to take over a community center or even a town.79 As long as there are evil vampires, there will always be plans to overthrow humankind. However, the world-domination ambitions of evil vamps are usually kept in check by professional hunters and, more often than not, their own kind.

  Vampires know that the world needs humankind, but that it’s about maintaining a balance. As of right now, vampires lack the technology to wipe out the human race completely, so thankfully, as long as they continue to need our blood, we’re safe, in a manner of speaking. Plus, what are the fangers stuck in the night supposed to do during the day? You need someone around to take care of this planet in the light.

  But if a vampire revolution were to take place, you should hope you’ve been kind to the nosferatu who respect the balance of nature. Because you’re going to need them to protect you from hell on Earth.

  Consider an all-out vampire revolution akin to a nuclear crisis. There isn’t a safe place to turn, so it’s best to lie low in a sealed-from-the-inside bunker and wait it out. Honestly, you’re no match for a vampire army, and if you’re around if the good vamps lose, you should be so lucky as to be used as mere food.

  The best idea is to gather as many supplies as possible, find a bomb shelter, and close it in around you. And for goodness’ sake, check everyone’s pulse before closing the door.

  GLOSSARY

  A full list of vampire slang, lingo, and ancient terms so you’ll be able to translate even the oldest language of vampirekind.

  autovampirism The act of drinking one’s own blood; this act will not, however, sustain a hungry vampire.

  awakening The first time a vampire comes to grips with his new senses, abilities, and vampire state. It usually happens moments after the vampire has been turned completely and is conscious.

  Big Bad A commonly used term from Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer signifying an evil being, particularly a higher-up evil being who presents a great threat to humanity. The master would be considered a Big Bad, but not one of his many minions.

  blood bond The act of ingesting a vampire’s blood and letting him drink yours as well. This builds a bond between vampire and human, often allowing the vamp to know what you’re feeling or thinking at any given time. It’s very intense and should be created only with a trusted vampire, because you’ll be giving him a complete pass to your thoughts. The blood bond is commonly referenced in the Southern Vampire Mysteries but is prevalent throughout vampire media.

  blood play The sexual act of drawing blood for pleasure; it can be considered a fetish among humans, but for vampires it’s just getting a little hot and heavy.

  the cocktail A collection of pills, shots, or serums that keep a Halfie’s vampire virus in check. It will not cure the vampire virus but can keep it under control.

  day driver A human or supernatural creature that can walk in the day and chauffeur its vampire master around. Must own car.

  Dhampir A half-vampire/half-human who was born into his state, not bitten. The Dhampirs have been around for years, and Gypsy lore has them as some of the first vampire slayers. This trend continues in popular vampire culture today. Another commonly used term is Dunpeal. Inappropriate and slanderous labels of this kind are Half-Breed and Half-Blood.

  donor A willing and walking blood bank for vampires. A human kept around “just in case” the vampires need her veins. A donor can also be saved if she has truly unique blood and tasting it is more of an act of pleasure and enjoyment, like a wine tasting, rather than a feeding. Virginal blood is rumored to be one of the finest blood vintages, and some vampires believe it restores their youth. This term also has a negative meaning in some vampire circles and can be used sarcastically for those forced to give up their own blood.

  elder An ancient and influential member of a vampire bloodline. Usually a controlling member of that bloodline’s government who has the final say on vampire debates and disputes.

  fangbanger A person who is sexually promiscuous with vampires; not a kind term.

  fang-gasm The act of reaching full sexual stimulation with a vampire. This term is also used for people who reach full sexual stimulation from a vampire bite.

  fangophile Someone who is obsessed with the vampire culture, people, heritage, and species as a whole.

  fang slip The often inadvertent act of fang presentation when a vampire is sexually stimulated, excited, angry, or hungry.

  fledgling A term used by a sire or maker for his vampire children.

  glamour The vampire ability to alter a human’s memory. This phrase was more commonly used in Wiccan practice, but the Southern Vampire Mysteries series has claimed it for vampires now as well.

  goons A slanderou
s term for vampires, originating in John Carpenter’s Vampires.

  maker A vampire who has created another vampire will take on this title. Some bloodlines have limited power over those they have sired. There is an inherited level of respect and position given to the maker from his “children,” though it’s up to the kids if they follow this social vampire etiquette. Sometimes also called Master, Mother, Father, or Creator.

  nest A habitat where more than one vampire lives.

  Nudger Created in the Twilight series, unborn Dhampirs are now starting to be referred to as “Nudger,” the nickname Bella gave her child in the final book by Stephenie Meyer.

  sanguine An ancient term for vampire or blood drinker.

  sire Another label for a vampire who turns a mortal into a vampire. It can also be used as a verb: sired or siring.

  S.V.F. Sexy Vampire Forehead, a nickname created by Joss Whedon’s Harmony Kendall, the high school student from Sunnydale turned vampire, turned secretary, turned reality TV star in Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic series. In Season 8, Issue 21, “Harmonic Divergence,” Harm finally gives a title to the rumpled forehead Whedon’s vampires have been sporting for years whenever they are feeling the bloodlust. Granted, the “editors” of Harmony’s new reality TV series in the comic were guessing that this was what she was implying.

  turning The actual act of transforming from human to vampire. A fully formed vampire who has undergone his awakening can also be referred to as turned.

  vegan A vampire who does not feast on live human blood. There’s a fairly large debate over whether vampires who drink harvested blood (not forcibly taken but donated) should be considered vegan vampires. Right now the lines are blurred, but a vegan vampire is normally a vampire who doesn’t drink human blood at all. Instead they feed on animals.

  venom The serum in vampires’ saliva, teeth, or blood that allows them to transform humans into vampires once it’s introduced into a human’s circulatory system.

  the virus Whatever element the vampire bloodline contains that changes humans into immortals. It can be mutated T cells, red blood cells, or an actual virus that attacks the human body—the term is a general one.

  Whedonesque/Whedonverse Used to describe something from the mind of Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  RESOURCES

  Ashley, Leonard, RN. The Complete Book of Vampires. New York: Barricade Books, 1998.

  Barber, Paul. Vampires, Burial and Death: Folklore and Reality. New York: Yale University Press, 1988.

  Karg, Barb, Arjean Spaite, and Rick Sutherland. The Everything Vampire Book. Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2009.

  Melton, J. Gordon. The Vampire Book: The Encyclopedia of the Undead. Canton, MI: Visible Ink Press, 1999.

  Ramsland, Katherine. The Science of Vampires. New York: Berkley Boulevard, 2002.

  Stevenson, Jay. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Vampires. New York: Alpha Books, 2009.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book is dedicated to the family and friends who dealt with my strange occult obsessions as a child. Thanks for never hesitating to purchase the latest set of plastic fangs. To my editors, Meg Leder and Jeanettte Shaw: Thank you for your faith and support. To the pop culture vampires who changed the world: Béla Lugosi, Barnabas Collins, Spike, even that shiny Edward fellow. And finally, to all the people who pause when walking by a dark corner, linger just a second longer past a cemetery, and daydream about a vampire enrolling in your school: May you safely encounter a vampire all your own.

  INDEX

  Page numbers in italic represent illustrations.

  Abel

  abilities of vampires

  Adam

  Akasha, Vampire Chronicles

  Alex, Tale of a Vampire

  Alexa Charon, Changeling

  Alicia, Cold Hearts

  Alucard, Hellsing

  American Vampire League

  Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)

  Angel

  Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Angelus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Animal Vampire

  Anita Blake

  Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series

  Anointed One, (Collin), Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Armand, Vampire Chronicles

  attack warning signs

  autovampirism

  awakening

  Barnabas Collins, Dark Shadows

  Baron Blood, Captain America

  Báthory, Elizabeth

  Beckinsale, Kate

  Being Human

  Bella Swan, Twilight series

  Beowulf

  Big Bad

  Bill Compton, Southern Vampire Mysteries

  Black Dagger Brotherhood

  Blacula

  Blade

  Blade

  Blade: Trinity

  Blade II,

  Blood & Donuts

  blood bond

  Blood for Dracula

  blood play

  Blood Ties

  Blue Bloods

  brain, the

  Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  comic series

  Bunnicula

  Butler, Gerard

  Cain

  Caleb Colton, Near Dark

  Carlisle Cullen, Twilight

  Carmilla, Lesbian Vampire Killers

  Carpathians

  Chandler, Helen

  Charlotte, Blade series

  Child Vampires (Hemophage iuvenus)

  behavior of

  being approached by

  habitat of

  known specimens of

  just a kid

  sweet little things

  wild child

  young face, old mind

  physical features/identifiers of

  general

  skin

  unseen abilities of

  warning signs of

  “Christabel,”

  Cirque du Freak

  clans. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches

  Claudia, Vampire Chronicles

  Club Vampire

  clutches. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches

  cocktail

  examples of

  Cold Hearts

  Coleridge, Samuel Taylor

  comedic outlet

  Connor, Angel

  Coppola, Francis Ford

  Corri, Club Vampire

  Count Dracula

  Countess, Once Bitten

  Countess Dracula

  Countess Marya Zaleska, Dracula’s Daughter

  Count Orlok, Nosferatu

  Count von Krolock, Fearless Vampire Killers

  Count Yorga, Count Yorga, Vampire

  covens. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches

  Craven, Wes

  Cronenberg, David

  Cym, Forsaken

  Danica Talos, Blade: Trinity

  Daniel Molloy

  Danny Glick, Salem’s Lot

  Darla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Darren Shan, Saga of Darren Shan

  Daughters of Darkness

  David, Lost Boys

  day driver

  Deacon Frost, Blade

  Dead Until Dark

  Deane, Hamilton

  del Toro, Guillermo

  detectives

  Dhampir

  Diamondback, Near Dark

  Dimitri Belikov, Vampire Academy

  Divia, Forever Knight

  donor

  Dorina Basarab, Midnight’s Daughter

  Dracula

  Blood for Dracula

  brides of, Van Helsing

  Dracula

  Dracula (novel)

  Dracula: Dead and Loving It

  Dracula, Vampire Chronicles

  Dracula 2000 (Craven)

  Dracula Has Risen

  Drake, Blade: Trinity

  Dresden Files, The

  drugs and vampires

  Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Dunst, Kirsten

&
nbsp; Dwight Renfield, Night Flier

  Eclipse

  Eddie Fender, Last Vampire 2: Black Blood

  Edward Cullen, Twilight series

  elder

  Eli, Child Vampire

  Let the Right One In

  Eli Damaskinos, Blade II,

  elite organizations

  Eric Northman, Southern Vampire Mysteries

  Esme Cullen, Twilight

  Eva, Lesbian Vampire Killers

  Eve

  Everhart, Angie

  “Evil” Ed Thompson, Fright Night

  evil henchperson, how to identify

  eye candy

  eyes of vampires

  colors of

  exes

  familiars

  fangbanger

  fang buds

  fang-gasm