"What can I do to help with tonight's dinner?" Caroline asked Abby.
"Just be there to lend a hand. I've got everything covered."
"But can't I bring something? A bottle of wine perhaps?"
"Sure." Abby smiled. "That'd be great."
Caroline had some time to kill and so, after stopping by the wine shop, she decided she would attempt to tell her mother her plans. Not that the confused old woman would understand. But Caroline wanted her mom to know that she was going to be sticking around. For some reason it felt important. So for the second time today, she swung by McDonald's and ordered a cheeseburger and fries and, taking a chance, she ordered a vanilla milkshake as well. Her mother used to like vanilla ice cream. So maybe ...
"What do you want?" her mother growled from behind the chain lock. "Why don't you leave me alone?"
"I brought you a cheeseburger," Caroline said. The door opened at the magic words.
As usual Caroline went into the kitchen, cleared a space on the cluttered table, and arranged her mother's food. "Here you go."
Her mother groaned as she eased herself onto the kitchen chair. "What's that?" She pointed to the milkshake with suspicion.
"A vanilla milkshake," Caroline said patiently. "You used to like vanilla."
"Vanilla?" She said the word as if it were foreign. "I don't like vanilla."
Caroline cleared off the old crate and sat down across from her mother, wondering what she could possibly say to soften this woman up. She opened the straw and stuck it into the shake, then took a sip. "Umm, this is good," she said.
"Why are you eating my food?" her mother demanded. "Where's your food? How come you never eat?"
Caroline put the shake back in front of her mom. "Would you like me to eat with you?"
Her mom just grunted and shrugged, taking another bite of the burger.
"Tonight I'm having dinner with friends."
"Friends?" Mom looked suspiciously at her.
"From school. Remember when I was little and I went to school?"
Her mom's face was cloudy, as if she was trying to remember.
"I lived here in this house with you and Dad and Michael."
"Michael?" The clouds seemed to part a little. "Where is Michael?"
Caroline frowned. "I'm not sure."
"Does he live here?" She looked confused again.
"No. He lives far away, Mom."
"Far away." She shook her head sadly.
"Try the shake, Mom," Caroline encouraged her. "Or I'll drink it."
That seemed to do the trick, because her mom took a hesitant sip. At first she looked angry, like someone had played a trick on her.
"It's cold," Caroline said. "Ice cream."
Her mom nodded as if she got this. "Cold." Then she took another sip and actually smiled.
"Do you like it?" Caroline felt happy.
She nodded and took another eager sip on the straw, and then another long one. Then she slammed the paper cup to the table, closed her eyes tightly, and clutched her forehead.
"Oh, no," Caroline said. "Ifyou drink too fast, you'll get a headache."
Her mom moaned with both hands on her head.
"It'll go away," Caroline said apologetically.
"You go away!" her mother screamed. "You go away!"
Caroline knew the pain and confusion was talking, but she just couldn't bear it. It hurt too much to have her own mother yelling at her, hating her, and treating her like the enemy when all she wanted to do was help. Without saying a word, Caroline got up and walked out. Maybe selling her condo and moving to Clifden was not such a good idea for either of them.
"Abby's not here yet," Victor said when he opened the door to see Caroline standing there with the bag from the wine store.
"I'm sorry," Caroline said. "Am I too early?"
"No." He motioned her in. "You're fine. Come on in. Is everything okay? You seem a little upset."
"I just left my mother's house." She followed him to the kitchen, setting the bag on the counter with a thud.
"Oh." He nodded with a knowing look as he opened the bag and removed a bottle of wine. He examined the label. "Pinot noir." He nodded and set it down, then removed the other one. "Pinot gris." He chuckled. "Looks like you're covering your bases."
"I wasn't sure if Abby wanted red or white."
"I'll put the pinot gris in to chill, but it looks like you could use a bit of the noir now."
She sat down on the barstool and nodded. "I'm so frustrated, Victor," she confessed. "And hurt." She told him about Beverly's visit and Caroline's subsequent decision to quit her job and sell her condo and return home to help her mom. "I mean, I was willing to give up everything, and I was actually feeling kind of good about it." She explained about the milkshake and the brain freeze and how her mom turned on her. "I know she doesn't realize what she's saying or doing, but it hurts just the same. It's like trying to help someone and being slapped in the face."
He set the glass of red wine in front of her. "I guess I'm lucky to have both my parents healthy and in their right minds."
"You have no idea." She took a sip of wine, then sighed.
The doorbell rang. "That will be Janie," he told her. "She offered to come early to help me get things ready."
Caroline just nodded, sitting there like a dummy as Victor answered the door, greeted Janie, and told her that Caroline was already here. "I just opened a bottle of pinot noir," he said as he and Janie came into the kitchen. "Can I pour you some?"
"I'll wait for dinner." Janie set down her purse then looked at Caroline with a hard-to-read expression. Caroline suspected that Janie wondered why she was here early, and why she was drinking wine with Victor. Caroline just didn't have the energy to explain. Instead she sat there staring at the dark red wine.
"Are you okay?" Janie asked.
Caroline shrugged. "I was at my mom's ... and ..."
"She's feeling a little blue," Victor explained.
Caroline told Janie about her decision to make the big move back to Clifden. "It just seemed like the right thing to do. Especially after I talked to the social-services lady. It's like suddenly I was ready, and I wanted to do it. But then my mom, well, she was just being her charming self as usual. And my got feelings hurt. Now I'm questioning the whole thing. Maybe it's not so brilliant to move back."
"You could be setting yourself up for a lot of pain," Janie warned.
"Maybe. But I feel guilty being so far away. She has no one."
"But if she's rejecting you anyway"-Janie held up her hands"what good will it do if you're here?"
Caroline sadly shook her head. "I don't know."
"And to turn your life upside down like that ..." Janie continued. "What if you cut all your ties and it turns out to be a mistake?"
"I've thought of that too."
"Your mom won't be around forever." Janie softened. "I don't mean to be harsh, but once the dementia sets in, people don't usually last long. What if you get all situated here, and suddenly your mom's gone?"
Caroline didn't know how to answer that. On the one hand she might be relieved. On the other hand, well, she just didn't know. How did people make big decisions like this? "I've been in LA for so long." She took another sip. "I don't know. I might feel lost without it." She looked at Victor. "How did you make that big decision? I mean, to give up your life in Chicago and just do"-she waved her hands-"this?"
"It was more like I couldn't not do it. I felt like there was a giant magnet pulling me toward the Pacific, and once I let go, I just had to come along." He smiled. "I think God had something to do with it too. I had this deep sense of peace. And of course I wanted to be near Ben. It just seemed right. It still does."
"Speaking of Ben," Janie said, "did he go back to school?"
Victor nodded sadly. "Just this morning. I miss him already."
"I know what you mean," Janie said. "I had a long chat with Matthew just before I came over. It was so good to hear his voice. I'd been ho
ping he'd come to New York for a quick visit before he goes back to school, but he doesn't think he'll have time." She turned to the sink and wiped down what already looked like a clean countertop.
"So we're all feeling a little blue," Caroline said. "I guess I came to the right place."
Victor laughed. "Hopefully we can cheer each other up."
"And say our good-byes too," Janie said as she turned around. "I leave tomorrow, and don't you leave on Friday, Caroline?"
Caroline nodded. "Now the big question is, do I go home to get ready to come back, or not?"
"You're the only one who can answer that," Victor told her. The doorbell rang again, and Abby and Paul came in, and the preparations for dinner began. As Caroline took dishes out of the cupboard, she thought the moment was nice: friends fixing food together, visiting and enjoying each other. Too bad it was all about to come to an end.
Chapter 15
ABBY
Abby tore off a long sheet of foil. "So how's everyone doing?" she asked Janie. Caroline was outside setting the table, and the guys were fiddling with the grill. Abby had sensed a little tension in the air but couldn't pinpoint the cause.
"Fine." Janie continued to toss the salad that Abby had brought from home.
"Caroline seemed a little upset."
"Oh yes. She's just been with her mother. Pretty stressful."
"Yes, it's been hard on her. Poor thing." Abby sighed as she arranged the salmon on the foil, then opened the jar of glaze she'd made earlier. "Paul's friend Ray caught this gorgeous salmon yesterday."
"What's in that glaze?" Janie asked as Abby started coating the fish.
"Just some orange marmalade, butter, garlic, ginger, white wine. And a few other secret ingredients. If I told you, I'd have to kill you." She chuckled. "Not really."
"Smells lovely."
"Caroline is really stuck between a rock and a hard place where her mother is concerned."
"Apparently she was all ready to leave LA for good and move back home."
"Really?" Abby put the jar in the sink and looked at Janie hopefully.
"But her mother rained on her parade, and now she's not sure it's a good idea."
"It might be easier to take care of things if she's up here," Abby said as she poured a bag of small golden potatoes into a stainless-steel pot. "It might even take some of the pressure off Caroline."
"I don't know. She seemed pretty stressed out from being with her mom. I'm worried she might relocate and give up her life, then be sorry." Janie lowered her voice. "What if Caroline went to all that trouble and her mother became even more hostile? Or worse, what if she died?"
"At least Caroline would have no regrets."
"No regrets? What about her job and her friends and everything she'd be leaving behind in LA?"
"From what I've heard, she doesn't have much of a life down there anyway."
"Maybe not, but it's probably a lot more than she'd have up here." Janie glanced outside. Caroline was talking to the guys, telling them what must be an entertaining story, judging by their interested expressions. "I'm sure you've noticed that Caroline is usually the life of the party. She's had fun with all her old friends around, but I can't imagine her enjoying herself after the parry's over and her friends have gone home."
"Oh, I don't know."
"Think about it, Abby. Like, say, in the dead of winter. I think Caroline would be bored silly."
Abby frowned at her. "Are you saying Clifden isn't a nice place to live?"
"No, no. I didn't mean that. And I realize that you enjoy things like quilting and cooking, plus you have your beautiful home and Paul for company. But someone like Caroline, well, she's used to the city life and the sunshine. It's hard to imagine her being happy in a sleepy little town like this."
"I can imagine her being happy here." Abby turned back to the stove and tried to conceal how irritated she felt by Janie's condescending attitude. She couldn't believe that Janie was acting so snooty, as if Clifden were some nasty little hole-in-the wall where no one in her right mind would want to live.
"How does this salad look?" Janie asked.
Abby glanced at the salad. "It's fine. Why don't you take the salmon out and tell Paul to put it on in about five minutes."
With the kitchen to herself, Abby sulked. She continued getting dinner ready, but she was not happy about Janie's comments. In fact she would have resented her offer to help Janie renovate her house, except she was really looking forward to the project. She'd already torn out some magazine pages and begun putting together a notebook that she planned to copy and send to Janie.
As Abby began slicing a loaf of freshly baked rosemary bread, she was hit with a perfectly splendid idea. If Caroline really did decide to move back home, and if she sold her condo, maybe she would want to buy Janie's newly renovated house. It should be fairly well priced and would be big enough for Caroline to keep her mother with her if she liked. By the time Abby finished with it, the home would be absolutely delightful. Besides that, hadn't Caroline mentioned how she liked the contemporary style of Victor's home?
Really, the circumstances seemed almost providential. Thanks to her new, optimistic plan, she forgave Janie for being so negative about Clifden. Perhaps Janie had simply been describing how it would be for her to relocate from Manhattan to Clifden. Of course, Abby thought as she arranged the bread slices in a metal bread basket, that had to be it. Abby knew firsthand how easy it was to empathize with others, substituting her own emotions for theirs. Her therapist had warned her that this was one of her weaknesses. Could Janie have the same problem?
Maybe there was more to Janie's remarks than Abby could see. Perhaps Janie really did think it would be nice to live in Clifden. She'd said something to that effect already. Abby looked out to where Victor, Paul, Caroline, and Janie were visiting, and she noticed that Janie seemed to be focused in on Victor. Her eyes seemed warm and lit up as she listened to him. That's when it occurred to Abby that Janie's overreaction to Caroline's interest in Clifden might have more to do with Victor than anything else. Maybe she was jealous.
If that was the trouble, Abby felt genuinely sorry for Janie. It would be horrible to be trapped in a lifestyle that she didn't really want, especially if it forced her to forfeit a promising relationship. Would Janie really sacrifice all that just to live in New York City? That seemed crazy to Abby.
Before long Caroline and Janie came back to help take things out to the table. Naturally Abby kept her thoughts to herself. Really, she felt sorry for both Janie, seemingly stuck in her dead-end New York life, and Caroline, who had to decide whether to give up LA.
"What a gorgeous evening," Janie said happily as they sat down to eat. "And this meal looks amazing, Abby. You're making it very hard for me to say good-bye and get on that flight to New York tomorrow."
"Then don't," Victor told her as he filled wine glasses.
She laughed. "That's easier said than done."
"Sometimes you have to just go for what you want," he said seriously. "Take the risk in order to get the reward."
"Easy for you to say," Caroline chimed in. "You've already made the leap."
He chuckled. "Then I should know what I'm talking about. I've jumped in, and I'm telling you, the water's fine."
Caroline nodded. "I'm starting to feel convinced."
"You should feel convinced," Abby told her. "Clifden is a great place to live." She looked at her husband. "Right, Paul?"
"Absolutely." He smiled, then held up his wine glass. "Here's to Clifden, the best little sea town I know."
They all lifted their glasses.
"And here's to living your best life," Abby quoted Oprah, "and to going wherever that takes you."
After the toast Victor asked if they would mind him asking a blessing. No one objected. So they all bowed their heads, and he thanked God for their food and their friendship, and he invited God to lead everyone at the table. "Guide us along the path that you know is best for us, even if that means
making changes or taking risks. And even if it doesn't. Amen."
Everyone echoed, "Amen," and then they began to eat. Conversation flowed freely among them, as if they'd been gathering like this for years. But as the sun was setting and they finished up, Abby noticed that Janie seemed unusually quiet. Was she feeling sad to know that she was leaving tomorrow? Or was she troubled at how easily Caroline seemed to be getting along with Victor? Caroline seemed to be feeling more confident about making this big move.
"This has been so wonderful," Janie said as they cleared the outdoor table. "As much as I'd love to stay for dessert, I think I need to make it an early night. I have to get up at four in the morning to make it back to Portland in time for my flight."
"Pikes." Abby looked at the clock. "You're not getting much sleep tonight."
Janie nodded, then hugged her. "You got that right." She went around and hugged everyone, and when she left, there were tears in her eyes.
"I'm going to make a fire in the fire pit," Victor told them.
"You go out with him," Abby instructed Paul. "I'll get dessert."
"And I'll make coffee," Caroline said.
"I set some decaf by the coffeemaker," Victor said as he and Paul went back outside.
After the guys were out, Abby turned to Caroline. "I don't want to tell you how to live your life," she began, "but I've been thinking about your situation with your mom. And I have a crazy idea."
"A crazy idea?" Caroline giggled. "That sounds just my style."
Abby told her about Janie's house and the renovations in process. "It's going to be beautiful when it's done." She gestured toward Victor's furnishings. "A lot like this house."
"How does that relate to me and your crazy idea?"
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