So Ross had explained Holly's connection to Grant. Janie sank into a chair. Bending over, she buried her head in her hands and then began to cry. Back in the old days, she would've defended herself. She might've even questioned the ethics of a senior partner hiring a family member, then clandestinely sending that person to work for some unknowing soul without disclosing the relationship. But on Friday she just sat there and cried.
Ross handed her several tissues and waited. Finally she sat up and shook her head. "I can't do this anymore."
He nodded, but his eyes were full of sympathy.
"It's not the same ... without him."
Ross reached for a tissue for himself now. "I know."
"Every day that I come to work, I feel lost and alone. I tell myself I can do it. I tell myself that I'm strong. But then I walk by Phil's office, and it feels like part of my soul is missing, like part of me was buried with him. Like I'll never be the same."
Ross sighed. "I feel some of that too, Jane. Not as much as you do, I'm sure. But I do understand."
"I can't go on."
"At first I thought it would be good for you to continue here," Ross said sadly. "I thought it would be therapeutic, make you stronger. But I've watched you and it's as if ... as odd as this sounds, it's as if you're shrinking, kind of fading away."
She nodded. "That's how I feel. Like someday I'll disappear altogether. To be honest, there are times I wish that would happen."
"At first I felt certain that Phil would've wanted you to stay on here."
"He said as much before he died. I'm sure he always assumed that I would continue practicing with the firm."
"But if Phil could see you the way I've seen you, I know what he'd tell you, Jane." Ross paused to wipe his nose. "I know this from the bottom of my heart."
She looked at him through tear-blurred eyes. "What?"
"He would tell you to go. He would tell you to start over, to move on, and to live again. To breathe. To laugh. And love. I know he'd say that, Jane." Ross was crying almost as hard as she was now. He came around the other side of his desk and hugged her. "That's what I want you to do too."
She choked out a sob. "So do I."
When their emotions subsided, they both sat down. Ross blew his nose again. "You know, I don't consider myself an emotional man, Jane. But I think I've kept a lot of grief inside too. I think I needed that."
She made a weak smile. "Glad I could be of help."
"I'm sorry it was at your expense. But I stand by what I said. I honestly think Phil would want you to go somewhere else."
She nodded as she twisted the tissue in her hand. "I agree."
"And despite this week's court session and this little incident with Holly, which shall go unmentioned from this day forward, rest assured you will get excellent references from this firm. You're not being fired. You understand that, right?"
"Yes." She took a deep breath. "So I guess this is it, then?"
He nodded. "For you and the firm, it is. But as far as Edith and I go, you're always family. You know that."
"Thanks."
"And if Matthew ever decides that he wants to pursue law, there'll be a place for him here. You guys know that, too."
"I appreciate that. Although, Matthew hasn't made any decisions yet."
"That's all right."
She stood. "Wow, this is kind of weird."
"You've been here a long time, Jane."
"I know." She looked around his office and sighed. There had been a time when she'd hoped to have an office like this for herself. Now she didn't care.
"There's no hurry to pack your things up. Take your time. Say good-bye and do, well, whatever."
"Thanks." She reached for the door. "And I mean that, Ross. I really appreciate your honesty and your kindness."
He had nodded. Then she left and, without saying good-bye to anyone, because there was no one she felt especially close to, she packed what she wanted from her desk and exited the building.
She had felt surprisingly light as she rode in the cab to her apartment. And yet it was a surreal sort of lightness, almost as if she were walking through a dream, and perhaps just as fleeting. She paid and generously tipped the cab driver, nodded to the doorman, then went to her apartment, kicked off her shoes and, with her work clothes still on, climbed into bed and slept. She didn't wake up until Saturday a bit past noon, and yet she still felt tired. Or maybe she felt sad. Or perhaps empty. Just plain empty.
She paced around her apartment like a caged animal, though she was free to leave-free to do whatever she wanted. But what did she want? Of course, she was thinking of Clifden. She couldn't deny that she wanted to be there. But what would she do there? Fix up her parents' old house and just hide out? What would she be hiding from? And what about practicing law? At one time she had believed that was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. But if she was painfully honest-and this seemed the time for honesty-she probably chose law because of the accolades that came with it.
There, she had admitted it. She had become an attorney just to get pats on the back, just so people would say, "Look at her, isn't she something!" Certainly she'd had the intelligence to pursue this profession. She'd always been an academic. A geek. She even had the temperament to practice law. But now she wasn't so sure. In fact she wasn't sure she wanted to go back into law at all.
Janie picked up the phone and, without really thinking it through, called Abby. "Sorry," she said after Abby answered in an angry voice. "Did I catch you at a bad moment?"
Abby laughed in a way that sounded slightly diabolic. "Honey, that's all I'm having these days. Bad moments. Lots and lots of bad moments."
For some reason this made Janie feel better. "What's going on?"
"To start with, I was stalking my husband. Then I took a back road and got a flat tire, which was rather aggravating. But after a while a handsome young man came along, and right now he's changing it for me."
"Sounds kind of fun. Well, except for the stalking part, but I'm sure you're joking."
"Oh yeah." Abby's tone bordered on sarcasm.
"So maybe this wasn't such a good time to call."
"No, it's fine. I think I'm over the worst of it. Guess where I'm heading as soon as the tire's fixed?"
"I have no idea."
"To meet Marley at The Wharfside."
"Marley's in Clifden?" Janie suppressed images of Thelma and Louise. But something about Abby stalking Paul, getting a flat, a young man helping out, and now meeting Marley at The Wharfside just smacked of dark comedy.
"She just got here today," Abby explained. "She's quit her job in Seattle and is moving here."
"Really?" Janie felt another glimmer of hope. "Both Caroline and Marley are moving back?"
"Is that weird or what?" There was some background noise now. "Here, you take this for your trouble," Abby was telling someone, probably the young man. "Well, thank you!"
"So your tire is fixed?"
"And I'm ready to roll. Such a nice kid. I told him I had a pretty daughter about his age." She chuckled. "Turned out he knew her! The way he blushed, I could tell he liked her. Probably why he refused my money."
"Well, you're probably ready to meet Marley now." Janie felt envious. "Wish I could join you."
"Me, too."
"Before you go, I wanted to tell you that I quit my job this week. And I think"-she paused to weigh her words-"I think I may be coming back to Clifden too."
Abby squealed so loudly that Janie held the phone away from her ear. "Oh, Janie, do you know what this means?"
"What?" Janie waited.
"The Four Lindas are being reunited for real! Not just a short gig this time. You'd come back here to stay, right?"
"Well, I'm not sure if I'll sell my apartment here yet. I think I need to test the waters per se. But I'll definitely stay long enough to see my house to completion."
"Oh, Janie, this is so exciting. I can't wait to tell Marley."
"Give her my lov
e."
"And Caroline will be here tomorrow."
"Give her my love too."
"Let me know when you're coming, Janie. We'll have a Four Lindas party."
"Sounds great!" They said good-bye, and when Janie caught a glimpse of her image in the oversized mirror above the fireplace, she almost didn't know that person. She was smiling. And it felt good!
Chapter 25
MARLEY
"For someone who sounded borderline psychotic earlier, you're sure looking pleased with yourself now," Marley said as Abby sat down.
"I think it's because I had a complete breakdown."
"A breakdown?"
Abby nodded. "I was so stressed about Paul. And then I get this flat tire and I'm stranded on a road that hardly anyone uses. So I think, I'll just change it myself. I mean, I used to do that sort of thing back in the day." She held up a dirty-looking hand in need of a manicure. "Three broken nails later, I was swearing like a sailor." She laughed. "And then I started crying. I was about to phone Paul for help, although that meant I'd have to explain why I was out on that stupid road, and along comes this handsome guy in his old blue pickup."
"And now you're in love?"
Abby laughed. "He's Nicole's age."
"Then why are you so happy?"
"Like I said, I cried and threw a fit. It must've been good therapy." She grinned at Marley. "Plus I knew I was meeting you. And then Janie called to tell me she quit her job and is moving back here too. Can you believe it?"
"That's wild."
Abby held up her hands, which looked like they belonged to a mechanic. "Order me an iced tea and I'll go clean up, okay?"
Marley leaned back in the well-worn booth and sighed. Here she was back in Clifden, about to have lunch with an old friend, about to embark on what she was calling Act Three of her adult life. Act One included meeting John, and their bad marriage. It was, unfortunately the longest act. She'd literally given that man the best years of her life. Of course, the payoff was Ashton. She thought of Act Two as the last years of a very bad marriage, moving out onto her own, and the transition era. Now she was ready for Act Three. She had no idea what it would contain or how it would end, but she was ready to meet it head-on.
"All cleaned up," Abby announced as she slid into the other side of the booth.
"So tell me, why were you stalking Paul?"
Abby waved her hand. "Temporary insanity."
"Really?"
"Yes. I'm sure I was having a case of hormones." Then Abby launched into a tale of how Paul had romanced the socks right off her last night.
"You're kidding? He even drew you a bath? And today you're stalking him?"
Abby laughed, then tapped her index finger on the side of her forehead. "I told you it was insane."
"I'll say. Some women would kill for a guy like him."
"Yes, that's kind of what Paul said too."
"Well, I'm glad you two are okay. It's so reassuring to know there's at least one couple who's been happily married for as long as you two. It gives the rest of us hope." Marley decided to change the subject. "So have you ever been in the One-Legged Seagull?"
Abby cocked her head slightly. "Oh, the new gallery."
"How new is it?"
"About ten years I'd say."
"That's new?"
"Well, compared to the others."
"Right." Marley sipped her water. "So do you know the owner?"
She nodded. "Jack Holland."
"Yes. I just met him. He's looking at my portfolio." Marley giggled. "I am so nervous. You'd think I was sixteen and waiting for my first date to show."
Abby's brows lifted. "You're interested in Jack?"
"Oh, no." Marley shook her head. "I didn't mean like that. I was referring to the nervousness of having someone looking at my art. It's kind of like being naked."
Abby laughed lustily. "There you go with another sexual metaphor. Are you sure you don't like Jack?"
Marley felt slightly irritated. "Abby, I told you I only met him. We barely spoke."
"But your eyes lit up when you started to talk about him."
"That's because he's looking at my art." Marley wanted to ask Abby what she'd been smoking. "Good grief, Abby, don't make it into something it's not."
"Sure." Abby picked up the menu.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so hostile. It's just that it was unnerving to stand there and ask a perfect stranger to look at my work."
Abby's expression grew thoughtful. "Yes, I can understand that."
"Besides, I'm sure Jack is married or has a girlfriend or-"
"See!" Abby held up a triumphant finger.
Marley made a face. "Okay, I'll admit he was interesting. But that's just because he seemed genuinely kind. That's what caught my attention."
"Yeah, yeah. Paint it how you like. You're the artist, Marley."
Marley realized it was time to change the subject again. "Here's my big problem, Abby," she said after they placed their order. "I can't find a place to live."
"Is Lois helping you?"
"Yes. But she just doesn't seem to be finding anything. Do you think I should look for a different realtor?"
Abby frowned. "I don't know."
"I'm sure my budget must look like pretty small potatoes to Lois. But there's nothing I can do about that. She probably thinks I'm being stubborn because I want something on or very near the beach, but I refuse to do an old mobile home. I'm sorry, but that's just creepy to me."
"Paul would agree. Those old ones are pretty hard to work on. And they definitely have a shelf life."
"It's not that I'm unwilling to do some fixing up. I'm not afraid to paint or do some minor repairs. I was home alone so much when John was flying that I got fairly handy. I'd settle for something tiny and-"
"I know of a place." Abby's eyes lit up.
"Really? That's for sale and in my price range?"
"Well, I don't know your price range, but trust me, it's cheap. And it's for sale by owner, so Lois might not even know about it."
"Seriously?" Marley grabbed Abby's list. "Is it near the beach?"
"It's on the beach."
"Let's go!" Marley was grabbing her purse.
"But we ordered our-"
"I don't want to lose it, Abby. What if someone else snatches it up before I can get-"
"Hush, hush." Abby had her cell phone out now. She hit a speed-dial button and smiled mysteriously. Marley waited on pins and needles and wished that she were a praying woman.
"Hi, Mom," Abby was saying. "Is the Lowenstein cabin still for sale?"
Marley felt like she was about five years old. She wanted to bounce up and down on the old booths springy seat.
"Really?" Abby listened with a thoughtful brow. "Oh, that's too bad." More listening. "Oh, I didn't know." And then finally, "Okay, Mom. I'll call you later. Bye." Then she hung up.
"It's sold?"
"No." Abby closed her phone. "But Mrs. Lowenstein passed away a couple of weeks ago. I knew she'd been in a nursing home in Salem but I-"
"Yes, yes, and I'm sorry, that's too bad. But the house, Abby, what about the house?"
"So Mrs. Lowenstein's daughter was over here checking on the house, and she was worried that it would be sitting vacant all winter. You know how vandals can wreak havoc on beach houses. So she was thinking about renting it and-"
"And is it still for sale?" Marley demanded.
"Mom isn't sure. But she's going to walk over."
"Walk over where?"
"To the Lowenstein cabin."
"Which is where?"
"Next door to Mom's cabin. I thought you knew that." Abby frowned.
"It's next to your mom?" Marley's hopes soared.
"Yeah, that little cedar-sided boxy looking place. It's tiny."
"It's perfect."
"When did you last see it?"
"I don't know. When we were kids maybe."
"And you know it's perfect?"
"When's your mom c
alling back?"
Abby rolled her eyes and waited as the waitress set their orders of fish and chips down. "Don't worry, Marley. Mom's on it now. There's not much else you could ask for."
Marley shook some vinegar onto her fish, then smiled to think of Doris Lund out there acting as her realtor. Abby's mother was one tough but highly likeable woman. "Yeah, I guess you're right." As much as Marley tried to pace herself, she ate quickly, and she was full after just one piece of fish and a handful of fries. She motioned for the check and paid it before Abby could argue.
"Okay, I get the hint," Abby reached for her purse. "Let's get this over with."
"Is it okay to go over there before your mom calls?" Marley didn't want to do anything to jinx this thing. "I don't want to step on any toes."
"We'll just park at Mom's and see what she's found out. And let's take just one car. We can drop mine at the tire shop and hopefully get it fixed while we're gone."
"This is starting to feel magical," Marley told Abby as she drove them toward the beach.
"Magical?"
"Well, remember when I told you I wanted to be like your mom when I grew up?"
"Oh yeah. Maybe you can start wearing baggy old men's clothes and get yourself a black skull cap too."
Marley just laughed. "Maybe I will."
"To be honest, I'd love to see someone in the Lowenstein house."
"Even me?" teased Marley. "I might ruin the neighborhood."
"Especially you. Mom's getting up there, you know. She sometimes needs help. I'll tell her to just call you."
"Hey, if I get that house, I'll be glad to give her a hand now and then."
"That'd be great. I don't like her sitting out there with nothing but vacant houses all around her. It feels unsafe."
"Why are they all vacant?"
"They're not always vacant, but remember most of them are vacation cabins."
"Oh, that's right."
"So it can be lonely."
"Sounds nice and quiet to me."
"It can be very quiet," Abby warned.
"Yes, but it might be inspiring to an artist. That's what I was thinking."
Soon they arrived, and to Marley's delight, Abby's mom and another gray-haired woman were waiting outside to greet them. Doris introduced them to the Lowensteins' daughter. "Barb's in charge of the property," Doris explained.
As Young As We Feel Page 19