by KG MacGregor
Her issues with Syd would wait, though. She needed to clear the air once and for all with Amber. “I’d like to talk some more about what happened yesterday.”
Amber shrugged and glanced at the car door, as if emphasizing her captive presence. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Joy’s instinct was to push back, to demand that she actually try to have a mature conversation for a change, without her childish comebacks and blasé attitude. All that stopped her was the assumption it would cause Amber to dig in even deeper. “Look, I feel like I need to explain what I was feeling, because it didn’t have anything to do with you. I wanted that kiss just as much as you did, maybe even more. The other stuff I was saying though, all that about needing to be with a lesbian…it’s real. I don’t want to get dumped on again. I invested a lot of my life with a woman who left me for a man because she never really considered our relationship to be permanent. It was only until what she really wanted came along. I happen to believe Syd’s a lesbian, but she doesn’t want to be, and that’s all that matters in the end.”
“Oh, I get it. Syd didn’t know what she wanted, so neither do I.”
“I think you know what you want now, Amber. You have feelings for me, but for how long? I don’t want to get involved with a woman just to bide my time or fool around. If there isn’t a chance it can turn into something serious, then it’s just a waste of everybody’s time.”
“Everybody’s? What gives you the right to decide what’s a waste of my time?”
Amber, it seemed, had a reflexive need to treat every word as a criticism, challenge or threat. “Can you just try for a minute not getting so defensive about every single word I say? I’m not trying to attack you or put you down. Like I said, this is about how I feel about me, not you. If you really aren’t interested in that, I’ll shut up and we can just pretend none of it happened.”
For almost a minute, it seemed Amber had decided on that route. Then she drew in a loud breath and harrumphed. “You want to know what it looks like from where I’m sitting? You say it’s about you and you aren’t trying to attack me, but you’ve already made up your mind about who I am and what I want. You’re not giving me any credit at all for having feelings of my own. And you also said you didn’t want this to be about power, but it is…because you aren’t giving me any. You want to be in charge of everything.”
“But I’m not trying to be in charge of you. I’m just looking out for myself, like anyone else would do. You’ve done it too.” As soon as the words left her lips, Joy knew she’d chosen the wrong point to emphasize. Before Amber could fire back, she pulled over to the curb, shoved the stick shift into neutral and yanked the emergency brake. “I didn’t come here to argue like this. I just wanted you to know that I like you, but I don’t want to get hurt again.”
That was the plainest, most straightforward way Joy could think of to put herself out there. She wanted to take a chance, but she needed to hear Amber say she had feelings for her, not just sexual desires. If there was a chance for a serious and long lasting relationship, she was more than willing to try.
Amber shivered and wrapped her arms around her waist, prompting Joy to turn on the heater.
“Look, Joy. I know just as much about getting dumped on as you do. I was left in a parking lot with a suitcase, for fuck’s sake. And before that, Archie walked off and left me four months pregnant, knowing damn good and well I couldn’t raise a kid without him. So, yeah…I try to look out for myself, and I’m not going to let you make me feel ashamed of how I did it.”
“You shouldn’t. I didn’t mean anything like that.” There probably wasn’t much point in dragging this conversation out any longer, since it had only made things worse. She put the Jeep in gear, but before pulling out, added one last bit she hoped would salve any hard feelings. “Just for the record, I never once felt like you were trying to take advantage of me. You’ve earned every dime from the work you’ve done with Pop, and we couldn’t have gotten along without you. I like you very, very much. I also respect you, and if I weren’t so scared of getting my heart handed back to me with a pike through it, this wouldn’t even be an issue.”
Amber looked away, and for a moment Joy thought she was still annoyed by where the discussion had gone. Then she sniffed and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Tears…but why?
As tempting as it was to reach out and comfort her, Joy resisted, unwilling to risk setting off another defensive response. Maybe it was best, she thought, to let it all die down so they could get back to normal and leave this distrust at the doorstep. Then she’d try to talk it over again because in her heart she wanted to find a way to do this.
Chapter Sixteen
“You’re cheating,” Amber yelled. “I don’t know how, but nobody rolls doubles four times in a row.”
“It’s my righteous living,” Shep countered, walking the last of his stones off the backgammon board.
“Righteous, my ass. I bet your friends down at the American Legion are enjoying this little break from having their pockets picked.” She counted out pennies for the stones she had left on the board and pushed them across the dining table.
“I hear the Jeep. My daughter’s come to save me from your scurrilous accusations.”
Amber looked past him out the back window to see Joy walking into the camper. After almost a week, the atmosphere was back to normal between them, insomuch as normal was pretending they’d never kissed or voiced any sort of attraction for one another.
In its place, the new normal also included Joy showing a side of herself she’d kept hidden—not just friendly, but sweet and amazingly supportive.
On Sunday she’d insisted on Amber taking the day off just to pamper herself—and to shop for the winter shoes and clothes she’d left behind when packing for the bus tour. Then on Monday and Wednesday, she’d not only handled dinner and cleanup, but also shooed Amber out to the camper so she could do her schoolwork without the interruptions of TV and chatter. Add to that a spontaneous ice cream run for everyone and two long walks with Skippy, and it seemed Joy was bending over backward to please her.
Whatever the reason behind Joy’s new outlook, Amber was more than happy to see it, and found herself lying awake at night thinking of ways to return the sentiment. One night after Joy had gone to bed, she made brownies and sneaked them into her lunch bag. Then on Wednesday—Joy’s usual laundry day—she stripped the sheets in the camper and washed them, along with everything in the hamper, making sure to carefully fold all of the shirts fresh out of the dryer so they wouldn’t wrinkle.
The upshot of all this mutual saccharinity wasn’t merely the return to a good working relationship over the issue of Shep’s care. Nor was it simply a renewal of their friendship. Both of those had come about, but for Amber there was also a smoldering undercurrent of temptation that threatened to erupt at any moment. She wanted to walk out there right now and demand another kiss.
If this was Joy’s idea of looking out for herself, it was maddening. How could she act like this knowing how much Amber wanted her? It was as if she was flaunting it, saying, “Look, but don’t touch.” All because Amber wasn’t gay enough.
Maddening!
“Hi, guys!” Joy had changed from her uniform into jeans and a long-sleeved denim shirt. “Did I miss anything important on The High-Strung and the Useless?”
“Jesus, I almost forgot!” her father said. “The Final Countdown comes on at four.”
Joy looked at Amber and rolled her eyes. “It’s an old sci-fi movie about an aircraft carrier. It was filmed on the Nimitz, which is one of the carriers Pop worked on for a while when it was in port. He has the DVD but he still watches it every time it’s on TV.”
With Joy’s help, he switched over to the recliner, where Skippy jumped into his lap immediately. “Watch it with me.”
“Sorry, Pop. I’ve already seen it about twenty-three times. I think I’ll find some other way to amuse myself.”
“Madison still grounded?
”
“Yep, till Sunday, she said. No calls, no emails.” She looked at Amber and tipped her head in the direction of the back door. “If you want some peace and quiet, come on out to the camper. You can bring your school stuff.”
Amber looked at Shep, who was settled and content for the next two hours. After a couple of minutes, she followed Joy outside with her workbook, but stopped on the deck for a cigarette. Intermittent music and talking emanated from the camper, which meant Joy was either watching TV or surfing the web. It was possible she didn’t actually want company but Amber couldn’t resist popping in. If there was even a tiny window of opportunity, she wanted to pick up the conversation where they’d left off last weekend, and vowed to herself to park the attitude and actually listen for a change. Joy had a right to her doubts, and if Amber wanted more from their relationship, it was up to her to put those doubts to rest, not to challenge their validity.
As soon as she entered the camper, Joy closed her laptop and put it into the bin beneath the dinette. “You can have the table.” Still sweet and supportive, as she’d been all week.
“I don’t have to take it. I thought maybe we’d give that talking business another try.”
“That talking business?” Joy smiled gently.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I got so upset last week. The main reason, I guess, is because that’s my normal reaction when I don’t get my way.”
Joy, who had made no move to sit, leaned against the bathroom door and folded her arms, apparently satisfied to let Amber do “the talking business” on her own.
“The other reason was because you didn’t believe me. I thought if I told you something—like when I said that time I liked girls better than guys—you ought to just take my word for it. The thing is, I can’t go back and undo all the bad decisions I made with guys like Archie and Corey. But I can change my mind about how I felt.”
“Are you saying this is not just a temporary feeling? That you’re a lesbian after all?” Her tone wasn’t as skeptical as it had been last week, but there were still traces of doubt.
“I honestly don’t know about all the labels, Joy. I didn’t grow up around a lot of gay people.” The second she said that, she recalled the whispered rumors about some of her classmates in high school. “Actually I probably did, but all the kids in my part of Kentucky get funneled into whatever kind of life other people think they’re supposed to have. If they want to be different, they have to want it bad enough to leave. It’s the only way. I left home before I ever had to deal with what they’d think of me being with another woman. In fact, I don’t have to answer to anyone like that ever again. I’m twenty-four years old, and if I want a girlfriend, I don’t need permission…and I don’t have to sneak around about it. There won’t be anybody pulling me in another direction and I’m not going to secretly pine away for some other kind of life. I may not be ready to get married this week, but I wasn’t just fooling around with you for the fun of it. I have feelings.”
It seemed like hours before Joy finally responded with an exasperated sigh. “Well, if you can’t commit to a wedding this week, then just forget it.”
With the soft chuckle that followed, all the tension between them evaporated.
“I want a traditional Jewish wedding,” Amber said.
“You aren’t Jewish!”
“What’s that got to do with anything? I like how they carry people around in chairs on their shoulders.”
Joy stepped closer and slid her arms around Amber’s waist. “Does this mean we can kiss again?”
If she had it to do over again, she’d have skipped the cigarette. “God, I hope so.”
Her memory of their first kiss faded instantly as she experienced the delicious feeling of Joy’s mouth closing over hers. The difference this time was Joy taking charge and giving off all that power Amber had fantasized about feeling. All she could think of was Joy sweeping her off her feet and onto the bed three feet away.
Her attention darted between the soft, warm tongue that prodded her mouth, and the sliding hands that explored her backside. Joy’s focus seemed to shift as well, alternately urgent and in retreat, as if she kept changing her mind about whether or not to continue.
“I wish we had more time,” Joy moaned. Though it seemed she was trying to hold back, her hands slipped under Amber’s overshirt and tank top and rose slowly until her thumb brushed the side of her breast. “I don’t think I can wait.”
“Then don’t.” Amber disentangled from their embrace and wasted no time shedding all of her clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor.
Joy’s eyes left her only to peel back the covers on the bed.
Amber climbed into the lair and lay on her side to watch Joy undress. The muscles in her shoulders and chest were unlike any she’d ever seen on a woman. Her slim hips and powerful thighs made her look like a world-class athlete, and when she stepped out of her panties and stood to her full height, Amber burned in anticipation of being underneath such a hard body.
“You are something,” she uttered. It wasn’t only beauty that she saw. It was power.
For someone who’d never been able to articulate what she wanted from a lover, the answer began forming in her head as soon as Joy pressed against her atop the cool cotton sheets. This moment turned her on like nothing she’d ever felt—lean, hard muscles in a perfect package of smooth skin with a tender, feminine touch.
Never breaking their kiss, they writhed against one another as if caressing with their whole bodies. Amber opened her legs to let Joy nestle between them. As they slowly rocked together, she grew more conscious of her excitement. In only moments, her center might explode without Joy even touching her.
As if reading her thoughts, Joy shifted slightly lower, breaking the heated friction between their mounds. Her lips then painted deliberate kisses to the top of Amber’s breasts.
The loss of contact against her center was tempered by the tingling of her nipple as Joy raked it with her teeth. Just when Amber thought she could stand it no more, Joy switched to the other, leaving a moist, cool trail across her chest.
“You’re making me crazy,” Amber murmured, cradling Joy’s head in her hands, unable to decide whether to draw her back for more kissing or urge her downward for what she knew would finish her off.
The decision was taken out of her hands when Joy lowered herself again, this time stopping at the hollow just inside her hipbone. With her eyes closed, she brushed her lips across the sensitive skin to the apex of Amber’s legs, where she paused to draw a deep breath, as if savoring the scent. After an excruciatingly long few seconds, she finally lowered her lips to tease Amber’s throbbing center.
Amber drew her arms high above her head in total surrender, reveling in the feel of Joy’s warm tongue as it slid through her folds. She opened her eyes to diffuse the sensations in hopes they’d last longer. Instead they intensified as she momentarily locked eyes with Joy, who wore a look of pure lust. It was only seconds before the vibrations spiked and a loud moan escaped her lips.
Joy slowed but never broke contact, working gently until another climax erupted, and then more. It was only when Amber shook her head and went limp that she crawled up and wrapped her in a strong embrace. “I couldn’t have waited any longer for that.”
Tucking Joy’s head beneath her chin, Amber lay still, letting her body fall back to earth one pulsating spasm at a time. The ceiling of the sleeping compartment was barely two feet above her head. This was Joy’s private domain, and there was something profound about finally being allowed to share it after all this time.
Her fingers trailed leisurely across Joy’s broad shoulders. “If that was a sample of what we’ve been missing, I’d say we’ve wasted a lot of time.”
“We have plenty of time in front of us,” Joy whispered.
Amber appreciated her choice of words. She hadn’t said there was time left, implying their relationship might end when Shep’s care was finished. It made all the m
ore clear what Joy had meant when she said she wanted something serious. They’d crossed an important bridge.
Or at least they were halfway there.
She nudged Joy onto her back and let her hands wander her torso. Even relaxed, the muscles were firm and defined. The pride Joy took in her body was worth more than just vanity points to Amber. It was a symbol of the enviable self-discipline that permeated her whole life.
“Joy Shepard…you have the most amazing body.”
“And it’s all yours.”
“Good, because I plan on taking it.” She began by swiping a finger between Joy’s legs and holding it between their faces. Then she licked one side, offered it to Joy and pulled it away at the last second to finish cleaning it with her lips. “Mine.”
With a look she hoped was sultry, she lowered her mouth to Joy’s rose-colored nipple, sucking it until it was rock hard. Then she flicked it several times with her finger.
“Would it surprise you to know I’m a terrible tease?”
“Careful…I have a very long memory,” Joy said.
“That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to forget any of this.”
With deliberate attention to even the tiniest detail, Amber explored Joy’s body, paying special notice when a kiss or touch resulted in a whimper or squirm. Though she hadn’t yet reached the more intimate spots, she’d drawn an excited response to the trail of kisses from the inside of Joy’s knee to the top of her thigh.
Joy was ready but Amber wasn’t. She skipped over the places that cried out for attention to come face to face again, where they kissed with even deeper passion than before. This was that rare part of intimacy she relished, where it was about the person and not just her body.