West of Nowhere

by KG MacGregor

  At the Hobnob, a local pub, she slid into a booth opposite Lee who ordered beers for both of them.

  “This is a celebration for me too,” he said. “Whenever one of my students passes the test, it makes me feel like I’ve done something worthwhile.”

  “You deserve to celebrate. I think anyone who helps people reach their goals is doing something worthwhile. I’ve been working with a man who hurt his shoulder.” She told him about Shep’s condition and injury, and all the therapy he’d done to regain his independence. “He did all the work, but I felt good because I helped him.”

  “We’ll drink to that too.” Lee raised his bottle and clinked hers. “So what are you doing out on such a rainy night?”

  She shrugged and started to peel the label off her bottle. Though willing to admit she had misjudged Lee—actually he was turning out to be a pretty nice guy—that didn’t mean she wanted to share her personal problems with him. “I’m sort of scouting around for my next job.”

  After three beers, she’d managed to tell most of her story, including the fact that she’d stormed off in a huff and wasn’t even sure she had a place to stay the night.

  “Look, I don’t want you to worry about that. I’ve got plenty of room at my place.” He patted her arm, not like a lecherous flirt…more like a friend. “I wouldn’t offer that to just anyone but I liked you right away because you were hardworking and focused on improving yourself. And a lot more mature than most of the others who show up for GED classes, I might add. I respect that in people.”

  Amber knew the drill—a place to stay in return for…

  * * *

  Each time Madison told her story, the details grew more outlandish. It was fascinating to hear her lie so brazenly, and Joy could see how frustrating that must have been for Amber. No wonder she had stormed off in a huff.

  It was almost nine, well past Joy’s bedtime. Most likely Amber was at the library, the one place she knew well and felt comfortable. It was open until ten and Joy wouldn’t be at all surprised if she stayed out that late so she wouldn’t have to deal with anybody when she came home. After stewing all this time, she probably wouldn’t come crawling into bed later anyway. If she were Amber, she’d crash on the couch inside the house. It would take time and patience to rebuild the trust between them.

  On the other hand, maybe Amber was the sort of person who settled down and put quarrels behind her quickly. They’d never had a fight this big before, so Joy had no idea what to expect.

  The more she thought about what her father had said, the more she realized she owed Amber an apology. It was only an accident, at the most a simple lapse in judgment. Joy had been so upset at the time she could barely remember what she’d said…something about not being responsible. Calling Amber irresponsible was probably the most insulting thing she could have said. Furthermore, it wasn’t fair, not given the leaps and bounds Amber had grown since she’d gotten to California.

  Her calls to Amber’s cell phone went straight to voice mail, likely because it was turned off. If she’d wanted to talk, she wouldn’t have left in the first place. Joy had no choice but to let the anger run its course.

  She found herself lying awake and listening for Amber’s return. After two hours, she got up and sneaked into the house, thinking she’d find her on the couch. By midnight, she accepted that Amber had found another place to stay.

  This rift was a bigger deal to Amber than she’d thought.

  * * *

  Buzzed…not drunk. Still, it was good she wasn’t driving.

  Amber ground out her cigarette on the sidewalk and tossed the butt in the trash bin that Joy had pulled to the curb for tomorrow’s pickup. The defiance and anger she’d felt when she left the house this afternoon had passed, replaced by sadness and a deep sense of loss. Though she’d barely had enough of Joy to call it love, what they’d had was by far the most special of all her relationships. Joy was the one she wanted to take care of and keep. Now it was like a dream come true had been dangled within her grasp and suddenly snatched away. No matter what she accomplished in her life, Joy would always see her as the useless screwup someone else had cast off.

  At least she’d had enough pride in herself to resist falling back on her old habits. She could have been sound asleep in Lee’s bed right now, with absolutely no sense of urgency about finding a job or another place to live. She was finished with subjugating herself. The next time she moved in with someone, it would be on her terms.

  A lamp had been left on in the living room, a likely sign she was welcome to return. While that was fine and good, it was negated by the fact that, from the porch, she could see a pillow and blanket laid out for her on the couch. In other words, she needn’t bother coming out to the camper. That ship had sailed without her.

  Not that she was surprised. But it still hurt. After four months of doing exactly what she was supposed to do with Shep—and even going the extra mile with Madison—Joy owed her more respect than this. But Amber wasn’t going to beg for it, and she wasn’t going to settle for the scraps left over at the end of the day after everyone else got what they needed. The next time she saw any of them, she planned to have a job and a place of her own.

  As quietly as she could, she opened the side gate and peered around the corner of the house where a floodlight on the deck lit up the whole backyard. Walking on the grass to soften her footsteps, she sneaked to the carport and climbed into the backseat of Shep’s sedan. There she curled into a ball and spread her rain jacket to cover as much of her body as it could. Not exactly cozy, but warm enough. Joy wouldn’t see her at all from the driver’s side of the Jeep when she left at four thirty, and she could slip into the camper and change before anyone else was up.

  She could manage this for a couple of days, three at the most. By then she hoped to be settled somewhere else. Maybe if she kept herself busy, it wouldn’t hurt so much.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Joy burst through the back door and looked around the house, seeing only her father, who sat in his recliner with Skippy. “What time did Amber come by?”

  “I never saw her.”

  “She was here, all right. I found the clothes she was wearing yesterday in the laundry bag in the camper, so she must have stopped by to change.” She was relieved to find Amber’s other belongings still in the drawers, but disappointed to realize she didn’t yet feel ready to stick around and talk to anyone. “Looks like I really blew it, Pop.”

  “Shit happens, you know,” he said.

  “Yeah, and this time I was the one who shot off my mouth. How’s that for irony?”

  “I remember one time when I snapped at your mother, she popped me on the hand with a wooden spoon and reminded me that not everyone was in the navy. That was her way of telling me I wasn’t her boss.”

  That was exactly what Amber had been afraid of all along, that Joy had all the power in their relationship. “I didn’t mean to come off as bossy. I was upset about Madison and didn’t even stop to think how I was making her feel. Now she won’t take my calls or answer any of my texts.”

  “She’ll be back. I’m holding her dog hostage.”

  Joy checked the clock in the kitchen, noting it was almost time to meet Madison. “Did you have any trouble getting Madison off to school?”

  “Nah, Barbara walked with us. We went halfway up Lincoln, and then Madison went the rest of the way with some of the other kids. They’ve got crossing guards practically the whole way.”

  “Yeah, I know. I guess I can let her start walking by herself.” She pulled on a blue navy hoodie and started out the front door. “Maybe I’ll talk about it with her on the way home. If Amber shows up, please ask her to stay.”

  Joy didn’t stop at her usual corner, continuing instead all the way to the school, where Madison greeted her with an apprehensive look. They hadn’t talked since last night when it was still obvious she wasn’t telling the truth.

  “How was school?” she asked. She’d concluded there was
only one way to deal with this troublesome penchant for lying.

  “Fine. I said my sevens today…multiplication tables.”

  “Good for you.” Joy took Madison’s hand as they sauntered down the sidewalk. “Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened yesterday. It upsets me that you still haven’t told me the truth, but I’m not going to ask anymore. I just want you to know that I don’t believe you. I yelled at Amber yesterday for something that wasn’t her fault and that makes me feel ashamed of myself.”

  Madison looked away, but Joy was determined this would be more than a scolding. She wanted an end to these lies once and for all.

  After slowing until the other kids were out of earshot, she stopped and bent low, placing her hands on her knees to look Madison in the eye. “I love you very much and I know you love me too, but it hurts my feelings when you lie to me. I forgive you this time but that’s it. No more lies. Do you understand?”

  The girl nodded, blinking back heart-wrenching tears. “I’m sorry.”

  “I appreciate you saying that. Now we need to apologize to Amber too, both of us.”

  “Okay,” she said meekly.

  Joy had no idea if that would be enough to persuade Amber to come back. Her outburst about not wanting children might only have been frustration talking, but it was undeniable that she’d withdrawn since Madison arrived. That was Joy’s fault for not doing more to make both of them feel loved and wanted, and that’s what she had to fix. If Amber truly wasn’t interested in helping to raise Madison, there was little hope for their relationship.

  * * *

  “…And this is a temporary address. I’m staying with friends right now,” Amber said, pointing to a line on the form she’d just filled out.

  The store manager, a tall African-American man wearing a gray polo shirt and neat black slacks, eyed her application for counter help at the Postal Plus shop. “But the phone number’s good?”

  “Yes, sir.” Getting a pre-paid cell phone had been her second stop this morning, right after a trip to the bank to withdraw two hundred dollars to get her through the next few days. Between the phone and a new bus pass, she was already down to only eighty bucks.

  “I need to show this to the owner when he comes in to close up. He’ll probably decide on somebody today or tomorrow.”

  “Okay, great. Thank you very much. It was wonderful to meet you.” She smiled as she walked backward out the door, her best customer service face firmly fixed.

  This Postal Plus job was by far the best of all she’d come across so far. It would be nice for a change to work in a place where the staff wore ordinary uniforms that didn’t smell like onions or baby shit. She especially liked that the store was neatly arranged and the floor was clean, a far cry from the convenience store she’d worked at where employees crammed stock onto shelves wherever it fit, and the tile floor was so dirty it could have sprouted crops. This job—seven to four, five days a week—would be perfect.

  There was one more row of stores in this, her fifth strip mall today. Besides being physically exhausted, her feet were swollen and screaming with every step, but she’d applied for work in eight different places. One of those—full-time cashier at a busy discount store—was a solid offer if she showed up for training on Monday, but the job was good only for the holiday season. Still, it was good to have a sure thing in case nothing else panned out.

  Less certain was her living situation. Yesterday she’d been hell-bent on finding a place of her own, anything to get out from under the Shepards’ roof. As her anger dissipated and her job prospects rose, the full force of losing Joy had hit her like a tidal wave of despair. Unlike her past relationships, this romance hadn’t come out of necessity. It had grown from gratitude to admiration to love, and for the first time in her whole life, she was free to have sex with someone without feeling that it was an obligation. Joy was the only person who’d ever treated her with respect, and along with her father, had shown her what it meant to be strong, capable and, most of all, honorable.

  If I’d wanted a kid, I wouldn’t have given mine away.

  Classy. That made it sound like she didn’t want Madison around at all. It wasn’t like that…exactly. Sure, she wanted private time with Joy, but what mattered more was proving that she could be trusted with responsibility. That was hardly possible if Madison didn’t listen to a word she said.

  Once again, she’d done something rash in the heat of the moment. How many bridges had she burned at work or with friends just so she’d get in the last hateful word? Joy had never struck her as someone with a high tolerance for bullshit like that. It was doubtful she had the capacity to forgive stupidity.

  But maybe it wasn’t too late.

  Amber liked her chances a lot better if she could go home with a job. Work that took her away from the house most of the day would solve a lot of problems, especially if she tacked on night classes too. Now that Shep was his old self again, he could take over the task of handling Madison, and Joy wouldn’t have to worry about her screwing things up again.

  A job…a job…a job. Nothing mattered more.

  Three more stores and she’d have to call it a day. It would be dark before she got to the next shopping center and the Help Wanted signs were hard to see.

  Then came the question of where she would sleep tonight. It wouldn’t kill her to camp out in the car again but the couch was a cushier option. And maybe Joy had cooled off enough to talk. Amber had.

  * * *

  Madison’s bedroom door opened a quarter-inch and her feeble voice called, “Can I come out and show you something? It’s important.”

  Joy was putting away the last of the dinner dishes. She hadn’t yet decided on Madison’s full punishment for handling a gun, but for now she was confined to her room. “You may not. I’ll come in there when I finish.”

  The door closed and Joy looked at her pop, who nodded grimly. “Hang tough.”

  It was harder than she’d ever imagined—a delicate balancing act to teach her right from wrong in a loving, supportive way. Until now, the time they’d spent together had always been during cheerful vacations from the drudgery of homework and chores. More important, Madison had never had to share her with anyone else.

  Her cell phone rang with a call from an unfamiliar number, and she nearly let it go to voice mail, but since it was a local area code, she answered.

  “Hey, it’s Amber.”

  Joy immediately stepped out on the deck for privacy. “Where are you?”

  “Waiting for a bus. I was wondering if it was okay for me to come home.”

  “Of course! Stay there and I’ll come get you.”

  “No, that’s all right. It’s a straight shot from here to the corner. I’ll be there before long.”

  “You didn’t have to leave, you know. This is your home. It’s where you belong.” She had so much to say and didn’t know where to begin. “I’m so sorry, Amber. I know you were telling me the truth and it was all just an accident. I never should have yelled at you. I was just so upset that I wasn’t thinking right.”

  “I said some stupid things too…that bit about not wanting Madison. I’m really sorry I said that.”

  Joy cast her eyes upward and said a silent prayer of thanks. “I’m so glad. I don’t know what I would have done if you’d really felt that way.”

  “I know what you’d have done, but let’s not go there,” Amber said with a soft chuckle. “I got a job.”

  So that’s what she’d been up to.

  “That’s fantastic, sweetheart. I know you’re going to be good at it, whatever it is.” She meant that. Amber had proven herself, erasing all the doubts Joy had harbored when she first took her on as a hapless hitchhiker. “Come home. I promise we’ll sit down and talk everything out. I’m not going to let Madison come between us. She’ll just have to accept what you mean to me.”

  “I understand where she’s coming from, but I’m starting to think it’ll all work out.”

 
Elated, Joy went back inside. “Amber’s coming home. She says she got a job.”

  Shep smiled and scratched Skippy’s ears. “You hear that, boy? Your mama’s back.” He looked at Joy. “A good job is exactly what she needed. She’s been cooped up here too long with my sorry ass anyway. It’ll do her good to get out of the house.”

  It also signaled the end of their deal that had brought Amber here in the first place. She no longer had to feel that she was working off her debt like an indentured servant. She was here now because she wanted to be, and because Joy wanted her here too.

  No doubt there would be more hurdles with Madison—

  Joy suddenly remembered that Madison had wanted to show her something. She knocked and opened the door a crack. “May I come in?”

  By the mess in the room, Madison had been busy with scissors and colored markers. “I made this for Amber,” she said. It was yellow construction paper, folded in quarters with three swinging windows on the front.

  Joy opened the windows one at a time to form a simple message: I am sorry. “This is nice, Madison. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it, but it may take a little time for her to trust you again. You’ll have to show her that you really mean it.”

  “I’ll walk Skippy and clean up his mess…and I’ll let her pick all the TV shows.”

  It pleased her that Madison had been thinking about how to make up for the trouble she’d caused, but Joy wanted the feelings to change along with the behavior. “You remember what I told you this afternoon about how much I loved you?”

  Madison nodded.

  “Nothing will ever change that, I promise.” She sat on the bed and pulled Madison onto her knee. “I also love Amber, and sometimes I want to be alone with her, like to go out on a date or something. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you, or that we don’t like being with you. Grownups need private time together every now and then, but I promise it won’t be like it was with Mitch and Syd. You don’t have to be jealous. We’re a family now, and that means all four of us care about each other.” She chucked Madison gently on the chin. “So you better get used to it, kiddo.”