“Sometimes I hate myself for how much I can’t regret she came into my life, because she’d still be alive if she hadn’t.”
“She was family.” Her brows slanted inward as her shoulders relaxed with understanding.
I lifted my hands from my pockets and took a steady breath. “When I was eighteen,” I began, hoping to steady my pulse to get through this, “a man recruited me into a group known as The League of Brothers, an organization created by rich and powerful men who wanted to use their money and influence to make a difference. They started as a group of five billionaires in charge, now there are sixteen. They recruit young men, known as fixers, to work for them and be their eyes and ears on the streets. To get the kind of results needed when the system can’t.”
“You were one of those men?” Her eyes fell to the carpet but only for a moment before she looked up at me.
I nodded. “I started as a fixer, training in martial arts and weaponry from some of the best masters in the world,” I explained. “But we always gave people a choice to do the right thing. That man who jumped did that on his own after I’d shown him evidence of his crimes we’d uncovered.” I scratched at my jaw, hoping I could get through this.
“But if they didn’t make the right choice, what would happen?” She rose but didn’t approach.
I brought my palms together and stared at my hands—hands that’d taken lives.
“Why not turn them over to the police?” she asked when I’d yet to voice the ugly truth of what I’d done, not sure how she’d handle what I had to say. Forgiving me for Donovan and for murdering Alessia’s killers was one thing, but the others, I wasn’t so sure.
I kept my eyes on my hands. “Because the courts failed in many cases. A lot of these men were released even without trial. They had too many influential people on their payroll. When justice wasn’t served, we stepped in.”
“And you’re certain everyone deserved to die?”
“Death wasn’t always the outcome.” Her bare feet were in my line of sight, her pink toenail polish drawing my eye. She was directly in front of me.
Why didn’t she run?
“If someone ever hurt my family, and they got away with it, I don’t think I could bear for them to walk free.” She lifted her palm to my cheek, and her touch had me flinching in surprise. “I don’t necessarily agree with murdering for justice, but the alternative doesn’t seem so great, either.”
I closed my eyes at the sight of her quivering lip.
“I left for Alessia, but she never knew the truth of what I’d done, and I rejoined The League to get my revenge. I didn’t become a fixer again. I came back as the leader of Ireland.”
At the loss of her touch, I opened my eyes to find her standing in front of the window, a palm on the glass with her back to me.
“And it kills me because I couldn’t have even assumed this position had she not shared her inheritance with me.” My abdominal muscles squeezed with guilt. “You think she’d hate me?”
“No.” She faced me, and I crouched to push up the material on my right leg to show her my tattoo. “This is the ink I received when I became a leader.”
She came closer and bent forward for a better look. “A Celtic shield knot between two dragons.”
“Norse serpents actually, but yeah, Viking dragons.”
“Does everyone have the same ink?” Her fingers smoothed over my leg, and I instinctively tightened my muscles with her hand on me.
“Same meaning but different symbols based on the country. A symbol of protection surrounded by something feared to ward off danger.” I pushed the denim back in place and stood. “And Drake Anderson is now demanding I relinquish my position.”
She pushed upright and brought her thumbnail between her teeth. “So, he wanted a lot more than my land, he wants you gone.”
“I never anticipated he’d make such a bold move. I should’ve, I guess.”
“Not that I want you to give in to this animal, but would it be such a bad thing if you left?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “If I step down without another leader in place, Anderson will swoop in and take over all the criminal activity in Dublin. A massive increase in illegal arms sales, prostitution, and drugs.”
“But as leader you prevent that from happening?”
“A few years ago, the leaders of The League signed a pact with The Alliance, an agreement we’d stop hunting them in exchange for the reduction of their activities in our cities.” I swiped a hand up and down the back of my head. “I hated the deal, but a lot of blood was being shed and . . .”
She covered a palm to her face and slowly dragged it down as she absorbed my words. “You can’t leave then.”
“But I can’t risk them coming after you because I didn’t hold up my end of the deal.”
She shook her head, her eyes narrowing. “I won’t have you sacrificing the city for me. I’m only one person.” Tears slipped down her cheeks, and I cupped her face between my palms.
“Please don’t cry.” I kissed away her tears, willing her pain to become mine. Her unhappiness was like a million knives slicing me open.
Her chin wobbled, and I brought my mouth to hers, unable to stop myself from stealing a kiss. Her tongue swept across my bottom lip before dipping into my mouth. Soft. So fucking soft. And sweet.
“Sebastian,” she cried against my mouth, an almost painful sound. One of need and love.
Before I knew what I was doing, I drew down the zipper at the side of her jumpsuit. And she fumbled with the buttons of my shirt and pushed it back.
With every touch, every stroke of her tongue matching mine, I could feel her forgiveness. Her forgiveness for what I’d done in the past. She only saw the light, the good in me, and I’d give anything to see what she saw because it was so damn hard to see anything other than the darkness when I looked in the mirror.
The pain of my losses. Lives taken.
She stepped back to finish stripping, and my heart hammered in my chest as she stood bare except a red G-string.
I removed the rest of my clothes. Even if this was a bad idea and the wrong damn time, I couldn’t back down if this was what she wanted, too.
I slipped my finger beneath the red string that followed along the curve of her arse and snapped it.
She moaned when my finger continued to dip to the pucker of her arse before journeying to the flesh of her cheek, squeezing tightly.
I was going to lose my bloody mind. I needed my fill of her.
I shoved the red material down to her thighs so she could hit her sensitive spot against me as she rotated her hips, rubbing harder and harder with frenzied need.
I lowered to my knees, taking her with me, then went flat to my back, assisting her so she could better position herself on top of me.
With her legs straddling me, her hands on my chest, she continued to grind and move against me, her lip between her teeth, her eyes set on me with such a beautiful intensity it was enough to make even a man like me cry.
Her tits were full in my palms as she moved, and I did my best not to slide inside of her without rubber between us.
“Oh, God, yes,” she cried.
“You’re right there, love.”
She moved harder and faster, shifting a bit too low and . . .
Her eyes snapped shut, her short nails buried deep into my pecs, and the back of my skull hit the floor when she sank down and took all of my rock-hard length.
I’d never been inside anyone without a condom. Never. And holy fuck.
“Holly,” I warned, needing her to be the one to come to her senses, because I couldn’t move to save my life, especially when she lifted up and slammed back down again, her pelvic bone hitting me.
“I can’t stop,” she sputtered, continuously moving. “You feel too good. I don’t want to get off you.” Her lids parted, and tears were in her eyes when she looked at me.
My chest tightened, and I gripped her hips and held on to her.
“Are you on the pill?�
� I asked, my voice hoarse, my words barely audible with her continuing to ride me, her wetness sheathing my length.
She nodded. “I’ve never done this and—”
“Me either,” I admitted, and a strange lump of emotion gathered in my throat at the idea that we were two adults experiencing something intimate together for the first time.
I flipped her around without losing our connection a moment later, unable to stop myself. If she wanted to do this, I wasn’t going to stop it from happening. We were living in a world of crazy, but this moment still felt so damn right.
With her back flat to the carpet and her spread out naked beneath me, I took control. She raised her pelvis to meet my cock, moving her arse up and down, and I swallowed her moans with my kiss.
“You feel so amazing,” I murmured when pulling my mouth from hers.
Tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes, and when she cried out my name as she climaxed, bringing her thighs tightly together, the position created an even deeper penetration with each of my thrusts.
“I’m falling so hard for you,” she said as I came, and my chest tightened as I locked eyes with her.
Emotion thickened my throat, cutting off my ability to beg her not to fall for me.
But how could I ask her that when I fell a long damn time ago?
* * *
She smelled like jasmine, every part of her. The soap from our shower together lingered on her body as I worked my mouth over her navel and up to her lips.
“Promise me we’ll do that again before I have to go.”
“Do what?” I wanted to hear her say it. Needed to hear the naughty words from her mouth. To know how much she’d enjoyed me inside of her.
Three times in the last two hours wouldn’t be enough to satiate my need of her tonight. And I was grateful she felt the same.
She swirled a finger in the air when I pressed up on my elbows to support my weight above her. “The backward, upside-down—”
“You making a helicopter blade with your finger?”
She chuckled and swatted my chest. “Funny.” Her brow lifted. “Whatever you want to call it, it was incredible. You are incredible.” She chewed on her lip, a touch of nervousness showing. “That training you went through include Kama Sutra, too?” Her smile deepened.
I circled her nipple with my fingertip and lightly squeezed before licking her areola with the flat part of my tongue.
“I never believed it when I’d heard there was a connection between the nerves in my clitoris and nipples, but . . . yeah, I’m a believer now.” She pressed on my shoulders as she squeezed her thighs closed. “You’re way more experienced than me.”
I lifted my mouth to find her eyes. “Out of practice, actually.”
“Hard to believe.”
“Honestly,” I admitted and rolled to the side of her. “It’s been a long time. I’ve only wanted you, so.”
“Well, I’m not feeling so bad about my extremely long dry spell then. I haven’t been with anyone either.”
This made me absurdly happy, and maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did. Over the last several months, it’d killed me to wonder if she’d been out with anyone else. And although she’d been under my protection, I wasn’t exactly keeping tabs on her dating life like some jerk stalker.
Her lips flattened, and darkness cut across her face a moment later. I propped my head up with my elbow and palm. She mimicked my move and gathered a sheet to cover her body.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I hate my mind just took a quick trip back to reality, and I’d much rather stay in this bed with you.”
I sat upright since it appeared we’d be resuming our discussion from earlier tonight. “You know the thing that’s been bothering me is how Anderson knows how much I care about you.” I draped a sheet over my lower half and pressed my back to the headboard. “I mean, he knew I was willing to do whatever I had to to keep your family safe, but it’s like he was expecting my moves. He knew which buttons to push.”
“Have you told anyone in The League of Brothers about the deal for you to step down?”
I peeked over at her. “I forgot to mention, we’re only known as The League now. A woman took over as leader in Italy when her father died, and we changed the name.”
Her mouth rounded as a sense of understanding appeared on her face. “Your friend in Italy, the trip you took, it was about that?”
“Yeah.” I expelled a breath. “But no, I haven’t told anyone yet. I was too focused on Declan and Samuel. Plus, Anderson warned me not to say anything.”
“And you don’t seem like someone who’d bow down to a man like him.”
For you, I’d do anything, but I kept my thoughts to myself. She didn’t need to burden herself with guilt for my actions.
“Anderson knew you placed my family under protection, but you don’t think that’s why he knows how much, I, um, matter to you?”
I squeezed the bridge of my nose. “He knew we were having sex. He called you my pet. It was just—”
“Pet?” she said under her breath. “Luca called me that in the lift.” She reached for my hand and clasped it, and that simple touch somehow steadied my racing heart, but I pulled my hand free shortly after to stand.
I needed my feet on the ground as I worked through my thoughts. “Luca’s the only one who knows how I feel about you.”
“You think he’s working with Anderson? Is that possible?”
“Luca’s uncle is in charge in France. Luca’s a fixer for The League, but shit, I don’t know. He’s been different lately.”
“Wait, his uncle is a leader?” Disbelief colored her tone. “You hurt him in that lift. Are you in trouble?”
“No. His uncle is closer to me than him. In fact, he has no intention of turning his money or power over to Luca upon his death. He was going to offer it to me had I not met Alessia.”
Her fingers dove through her dark locks. “And Luca doesn’t have a grudge against you because of it?”
“He’s always lived on the edge. Wild and a bit reckless, his behaviors overlooked because of his uncle.” I stared at the floor as I tried to wrap my head around the possible betrayal. “We’d been like brothers before Alessia came into my life.”
I grabbed a pair of sweats, pulled them on, and paced alongside the window, which was covered in floor-to-ceiling drapes, blocking the view of the city.
She circled the bed to stand before me. “But is it possible he became envious of your position, and the way his uncle feels about you? Maybe he wants you gone from Ireland so he can have it himself.”
“No. He wants France. Always has.” I looked up at her and swallowed. “But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me out of his way to try and get it.” Even if he knew I had no intention of ever becoming the leader of France, I’d block any type of coup against his uncle. “It could be the real reason he’s in Dublin. Maybe he knew Anderson was preparing to make his final move.” I lifted my eyes to the ceiling in thought.
“What is it? What are you thinking?”
“I talked to Luca before I called Anderson to try and make a deal. The idea of owing Anderson killed me, but he convinced me to do it, that it’d be the only way to get the results I wanted.” Had I been so blinded by my friendship that I hadn’t been able to see the truth?
She chewed on her lip and tightened the sheet to her chest.
I closed my eyes, trying to control my anger so I could think clearly. “I need to talk to Moreau. He’ll know what to do. He might be able to help find a way out of this.”
“A way that we can be together?” The sheet fell to the floor and pooled at her feet.
“I don’t know.” I wanted to reach for her, to pull her into my arms and tell her everything would be okay, but how could I? “I have to go.”
She slung her arms around my body, giving me her trust. Her love. I didn’t understand it, but I couldn’t turn her away, not anymore.
I hugged her back, placing my chi
n on her head as I hung on to her like a lifeline.
“Let me go with you,” she murmured into my chest, and I hated the break in her voice. “I’m safer with you than without you.”
Alessia probably would have been too, and I messed everything up. “Okay.”
She stepped out of my arms. “Really?”
I nodded and brought her cheeks between my palms. “Moreau should meet you. He should remember what we’re fighting for—who we’re fighting for. Why we exist in the first place.”
She pressed up on her toes, her lips making a soft pass over mine before I banded her waist and tightened her against me to deepen the kiss. “I’m yours,” she said a heartbeat later. “If you’ll let me be.”
“After everything you know about me . . .?”
She traced the line of my jaw with her finger, liquid in her eyes. “After everything I know,” she whispered back with a nod, her eyes tight on me. “I want you, Sebastian Ryan.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Sicily, Italy
Holly
Little drops of sunlight started to appear as the heavy pull of clouds parted above us on the deck of Sebastian’s yacht. Plans had changed at the last minute, and instead of meeting Édouard Moreau in Paris, we took a flight to Italy.
He gathered me in his arms, and I tipped my chin to keep my head from being buried against his chest, even if that was a delicious position to be in. With one hand around my waist, he smoothed the other up and down my back over my lightweight rain jacket.
“You think your associate will be able to locate Luca? The idea of him out there somewhere creeps me out.” I shuddered as if he were watching us now. Of course, we still didn’t know if he was working with Anderson. It could all be speculation.
“If Luca doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be. He’s a professional at disappearing people, including himself.” He released me, walked over to the edge of the boat, and set his gaze on the water.
More beams of sunlight streamed down from overhead. Maybe it was a sign things would get better.
“I told you we don’t always kill people.”
The Real Deal: A Dublin Nights Novel Page 23