“I want to be a good friend, too.”
She met my gaze, eyebrows climbing her forehead.
“I do,” I whispered. “I’m guilty of judging you before, and I can’t apologize enough for that. But . . . Look, I’m not just here to help a junior Sailor.”
A faint smile pulled at her lips. “Thank you.”
I returned the smile, but hers and mine both faded quickly. I folded my hands on the table. “I want to help you, Kim. I do.”
“I know.”
“And I’m happy to come with you tomorrow, but I need you to tell me: is that really what you want to do?”
“It’s . . .”
My heart clenched. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”
She shifted her gaze away. “I, um . . . Look, without going into any detail that you’d have to repeat, he’s got me in a bad spot.”
I blinked. “How so?”
“He said if I had the baby, he’d use his parental rights.” She played with the hem of her shirt. “Prevent me from putting it up for adoption, demand visitation, all of that.”
“Oh Jesus.” I ground my teeth. “Is that son of a bitch unaware that you could get a protective order against him?”
She met my eyes. “And what happens with that when he’s found not guilty by a jury of his peers?”
I winced. Damn it.
She stiffened. “Fuck . . .”
“It’s okay.” I put my hand on her forearm. “This is still between us.” Oh, but we were walking a dangerously thin line.
“Thanks.” She set her shoulders back and held my gaze. “Anyway, when I go back to Okinawa, he won’t have that card to play anymore.”
“That’s . . . I guess that’s true.” How morbid. An abortion as an ace up her sleeve? He really had backed her into a fucked-up corner, hadn’t he?
Kim studied me. “How about this? I’ll tell you everything. A week after we get back to Okinawa, if I haven’t reported it, then . . . do what you have to do.”
I wrung my hands under the table. It sounded reasonable on the surface but still left a lot of time for this to blow up in our faces. And yet, how willingly would I have severed an arm just to have someone listen to me back when I’d been in an all-too-similar position?
“Okay,” I said. “One week from the time we get back to Okinawa.”
She nodded. “Okay. One week.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “For starters, like I’ve mentioned, I know everyone in our command thinks I’m a slut.” She wiped her eyes. “But I’m not.”
I gnawed my lower lip. A short time with Kim and my attitude about her had certainly been adjusted. “I know you’re not.”
She went on. “The thing is, I was a completely different person at my last command.”
I rested my forearms on the edge of the table. “How so?”
“I was . . . I didn’t party with the guys, that’s for sure. I pretty much kept my head down. When a guy came on to me, I tried to be polite about not being interested, but somehow that got turned into me being a cold fish.”
I exhaled. “Yeah, I can relate.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “I get that at this command. All the time.”
“Fun, isn’t it?”
“Seriously.”
Kim plucked a napkin from the dispenser on the table and started tearing off little pieces. “They all talked about what an ice queen I was. How security at Fort Knox had nothing on my pussy.” Her cheeks reddened, and she stared at her hands as she continued shredding the napkin. “They nicknamed me Razor Wire.”
“Razor Wire?”
She nodded. “One of the guys spent half the Navy Ball hitting on me. When I turned him down for the hundredth time that night, he went and told the others he couldn’t get through the razor wire in Lockhoff’s pants.” She laughed bitterly. “And the name stuck.”
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. “Oh my God. That’s horrible.”
“It’s not the worst of it.” She set the tattered napkin down and hugged herself, still avoiding my eyes. “A few times, I overheard guys in my command saying I just needed a dick to pound some sense into me so I’d stop being such a bitch.”
My blood turned cold. Wasn’t that a familiar sentiment . . .
She ran an unsteady hand through her hair. “I was scared. I thought, you know, they might do something to ‘reform’ Razor Wire. So when I came to Okinawa, I did what all the popular girls at my last command did.” She sighed. “Aside from actually sleeping with any of them, anyway. But I drank with them, partied with them, acted like the slutty little thing they all wanted. And what a surprise, that backfired, too.”
“How so?”
She met my eyes.
I took a deep breath. “So what happened with Stanton?”
Lowering her gaze, Kim shivered. “We were at a retirement party. Senior Chief O’Leary, a few months ago.”
“Right.”
“I’d had a few beers, but I was still pretty steady on my feet.” She drummed her fingernails on the table. “And then Stanton comes up and starts talking to me. And, I mean, he’s a lieutenant. He’s the fucking security officer. I’m just a third class, and . . . I guess I was kind of blown away that he was even talking to me. Officers don’t usually give us the time of day, you know?” She reached up and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I thought it was a nice switch to talk to someone who could string a sentence together without fuck being every other word.”
I nodded. Though I didn’t say it out loud—no sense adding insult to injury—the fact was, Stanton could be charming when he wanted to be. He was made of slime and bullshit, but once in a while . . .
I cleared my throat to mask a shudder. “What happened after that?”
“He offered me a lift home, and . . .” She covered her face with her hands for a second. “God, I feel so stupid. I just thought he was being nice.” Swearing under her breath, she dropped her hands. “One minute he was driving me home. Then he pulls into this parking lot over by Tengan Pier. You know, way out in the middle of nowhere.”
I nodded, a sick feeling coiling in my gut. The first time I’d had to guard the long, mostly empty pier, Alejandro had joked that, At Tengan Pier, no one can hear you scream. Suddenly that comment wasn’t so funny.
I sipped my coffee. “Yeah, I know the place.”
“I should’ve known something was up. I don’t even know what I was thinking at that point, and then he kissed me, and I was so . . .” Her eyes unfocused, and she slowly shook her head. “I was so caught off guard at first, I didn’t do anything. But then I tried to push him away. That was when he reached across and hit the lever for the seat back. It reclined. He pushed me onto my back and started pushing my skirt up.” Kim hugged herself tighter and shivered. “I told him to stop, but he ignored me. I tried to put my legs together, but he kept his knee between them.”
“Jesus,” I breathed. I hoped to God if she saw the sweat beading along my hairline, she’d write it off as the heat and humidity, and that she didn’t notice the way I was gripping the side of my chair with one hand.
“He was on top, and . . . when he unzipped his shorts, I panicked. I told him over and over that I didn’t want to do this, and I told him to stop, and he just . . .” She was silent for a moment, still staring at the table, unfocused. Her whole body trembled, and the fluorescent lights overhead picked out the way she was starting to sweat just like I was.
“We can take a break if you need to.” My cop voice sounded weird to my own ears, but shifting into that mode, being a cop instead of a woman who’d been there, meant I stood a chance of getting through this conversation. “Take your time.”
She went quiet again, but only for a minute or so. “I just felt like . . .” She swiped at her eyes with a trembling hand. “Look at me. I’m a foot shorter than him. I can hold my own at PT, but that guy . . . he’s built.”
“Yeah, he is.”
“And there was something about the way he
was looking at me, and holding me down, that told me there was no point in fighting.” She gnawed her lower lip. “Like, this was happening whether I liked it or not, and the only say I had in the matter was whether I was bruised and bloody afterward. I could fight him or I could let him, but he was going to. So I . . .” She buried her face in her hands for a moment, then dropped them to her lap and lifted her gaze, her eyes wet. “I let him. I never said yes. I never told him I wanted it. I just stopped fighting, and I . . .” She sniffed sharply as a tear slid down her cheek. “I let him.”
“But you told him no, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but—”
“Then he didn’t—”
“I know.” She wiped her eyes. “But you try convincing all the guys who think I’m a whore and all of Stanton’s best buddies that I didn’t want it. When you’re a girl like me, anything short of clawing at his face and screaming, ‘No!’ is as good as ‘yes.’ You and I both know it’s not, but our opinion and a judge’s . . .”
The words hit me hard in the gut. I wanted so bad to tell her she was wrong. But I knew how fucked up our command was. I knew how badly the deck was stacked against her.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, and that had never sounded so damned useless.
“I tried to be what I thought they wanted girls in the Navy to be, and . . .” She wiped her eyes. “It’s like, now that they think I’m a slut, they’re offended as hell if I reject them. All the guys at my last command thought I was a bitch for shutting them all out. All the guys here think I’m a bitch because they think I’m sleeping with everyone but them.” She threw up her hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I know the feeling.”
“You do?”
I nodded. “It starts in boot camp, and I don’t think it ever fucking ends.”
She groaned and buried her face in her hands again. “God . . .”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
“How do you deal with it?”
I shrugged. “I tried being whatever the guys were ‘satisfied’ with me being, but even that didn’t work. Being myself doesn’t work, either, so really, your guess is as good as mine.”
Kim shuddered. “To be honest, being myself scares me more than anything else.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I don’t want—” Flinching, she cut herself off.
I leaned closer. “You don’t want . . .?”
“My friend’s sister is in the Army,” Lockhoff said, barely whispering. “And she told me about how when the guys in her command found out she was a lesbian, they saw her as a challenge.” She met my eyes. “I’ve already been threatened with corrective rape—more than once. I’m not painting a bull’s-eye on my forehead.”
I blinked. “Are you . . . are you telling me you’re a lesbian?”
She broke eye contact. After a moment, she nodded.
I reached across the table and touched her arm. “It’s okay. I won’t tell.”
With a humorless laugh, she said, “But you’ll ask?”
“In confidence, yeah, I guess I will.” I patted her arm before withdrawing my hand. “But you’re not the only one, just so you know.”
Her eyebrows jumped. “Are you . . .?”
I nodded, and something in my chest relaxed. I’d been dying to tell someone for a long time, and it was a relief even in this context. DADT was a distant memory, but coming out was still fucking terrifying.
Kim regarded me silently for a moment. “You’re serious? You’re a lesbian?”
“All the rumors didn’t give it away?”
She waved a hand. “I don’t take much seriously from the guys who also brag about getting me into bed.”
I grimaced. “You’ve heard those, then?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Ouch.”
She shrugged. “I set myself up for it. Funny thing was, I acted like a whore because I thought it might make the rest of the command accept me. I didn’t realize it would piss them all off.” She scrubbed a hand over her face and cursed softly. “Who knew I was setting myself up for—”
“You didn’t.” I squeezed her other hand. “Don’t you dare blame yourself.”
She held my gaze and then released a breath. “You think it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t—”
“It doesn’t make it right, Kim. You were playing the game as best you could. The blame for what happened is on Stanton. Not you.”
Kim slouched in her chair. “I just hate the fact that no matter how much we both know that, it’s not going to change anything. I’m the one who can’t sleep at night and has to get an . . .” She swallowed hard. “And nothing is ever going to happen to him.” As she ran her hand through her hair, her shoulders sagged even more and her gaze dropped.
My heart ached. God, I could see so much of myself in her. I had no idea what to do or say, but damn if I didn’t know how it felt to hurt like that.
“Come here.” I stood, and when she did the same, I wrapped my arms around her. “I’m so sorry all this has happened to you.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I hugged her tighter. “And I am so sorry for questioning you when—”
“Don’t.” She pulled back and looked up at me. “I promise, I’m not mad. I get it.”
“But I—”
“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t. It’s okay.”
I exhaled. “Okay. When we get back and you go to report this, if you need someone to go to the SARC with you, just say the word.”
“I will.”
I released her and met her eyes. “For now, we are in Hawaii.” I smiled cautiously. “Why don’t we go to the motel, let me grab a shower, and then go out and blow off some steam?”
I’ll be damned if she didn’t finally smile back. “That sounds like a great idea.”
From the moment the second blue line had appeared on the home pregnancy test, I’d been a hot mess. Even worse than I’d been just after O’Leary’s retirement party. Thoughts like having fun and going out just for the hell of it had become foreign concepts.
As Reese got dressed after grabbing a quick shower, I didn’t even know where to go for the afternoon. I didn’t know where to start. I’d been locked inside my head for so long, obsessing over things beyond my control, I had no idea what to do with myself now that I’d decided to take a breather.
I handed Reese the keys, and we climbed into the rental car. As she ran the AC to blow away the afternoon’s heat, she glanced around. “Man, there isn’t much in this area, is there?”
“No, it’s kind of a shitty part of town. Was all I could afford.”
“On this island? I don’t doubt that. Honolulu would’ve set you back an entire paycheck.”
“Right? I’ve gotten spoiled. Okinawa’s cheap.”
“That’s for sure. Oahu’s a fucking rip-off.” She tapped her thumbs on the wheel for a moment. “Why don’t we grab a bite to eat? You’re going to be holed up in that place for a couple of days, so I’m thinking we should get some fresh air and decent food while we still can.”
I wasn’t sure if anything I ate would stay where it belonged, but I was willing to give it a try.
“Anything in particular you’re in the mood for?” She turned to me. “I don’t want to upset your stomach.”
“My stomach’s fine.” So far.
“Is it? I thought . . . uh . . .”
“Thought I’m at that stage where I’m throwing up at the drop of a hat?”
“Basically, yeah.”
“No, I’m good.” I shook my head. “The fucked-up thing is I haven’t even had any real morning sickness. The only time I’ve gotten sick has been when Stanton’s nearby.”
“Oh, honey.” Reese waved a hand. “I’m not carrying his kid and I want to blow chunks whenever he shows up.”
I wrinkled my nose. “He kind of has that effect, doesn’t he?”
“There’s no ‘kind of’ about it. He’s a fucking creeper.�
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“He so is. But, yeah, for food? Anything. In fact, I’m a lot hungrier than I thought.”
“Me too. Those little box meals they serve on the plane are a joke.”
I laughed. “I don’t know. They’re better than commercial-airline food.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that. But stale room-temperature McDonald’s is better than commercial-airline food.”
“Good point.”
We glanced at each other and both laughed.
She shifted the idling car into reverse and eased out of the parking space. “Why don’t we head down to Waikiki? There’s got to be some decent food down there.”
“I’m in.”
Getting out of that shithole, escaping reality to enjoy a meal with someone who wasn’t judging or threatening me?
Yeah. I was in.
In Waikiki, Reese parked outside one of those shopping centers that catered to tourists with no taste and too much money. After wandering for a while through throngs of people in oversized sunglasses and bright Hawaiian shirts, we found a café overlooking a beautiful white-sand beach.
The hostess showed us to a table on the patio and gave us a couple of colorful, laminated menus.
For a few minutes, I just sat back and let the tropical wind play with my hair and warm my face. The climate here was almost identical to Okinawa, but at least for this afternoon, it didn’t take me back to the island where he was waiting for me. If only for today, it was a reprieve from the freezing-cold motel room where I’d been on the verge of a breakdown.
I shifted my gaze toward Reese, watching her over the menu as she looked out at the ocean. I still couldn’t believe she’d come. I’d begged her to get on Skype because I’d needed someone to listen to me and just be there so I didn’t feel quite so alone. The last thing I’d expected was this. No questions asked, on a moment’s notice, the woman who hadn’t even liked me a week ago had taken leave, hopped a plane, and now . . . she was here.
Because we might have more in common than you think.
She hadn’t said exactly what had happened, but I could connect the dots she’d given me. And there was no way I could be thankful it had happened to her just so we could find some common ground. I wouldn’t have wished that on anyone.
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