The more I think about it the more I think that those three words are the key to almost everything.
Time, patience and believing-and the greatest of these is believing.
LEA SAT in the dark of the bedroom and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. She groped for and shrugged into robe and huddled it around her. She went softly to the window and sat down on the broad sill. A lopsided moon rolled in the clouds above the hills, and all the Canyon lay ebony and ivory under its lights. Lea could see the haphazard dotting of houses that made up the community. All were dark except for one far window near the creek cliff.
Suddenly the whole scene seemed to take a sharp turn, completely out of focus. The hills and canyons became as strange as though she were looking at a moonscape or the hidden hills of Venus. Nothing looked familiar; even the moon suddenly became a leering frightening thing that could come closer and closer and closer. Lea hid her face in the bend of her elbow and drew her knees up sharply to support her shaking arms.
"What am I doing here?" she whispered. "What on earth am I doing here? I don't belong here. I've got to get away. What have I to do with all these-these-creatures? I don't believe them! I don't believe anything. It's madness. I've gone mad somewhere along the way. This must be an asylum. All these evenings-just pooling madnesses to see if a sanity will come out of it!"
She shuddered and lifted her head slowly, reluctantly opening her eyes. Determinedly she stared at the moon and the hills and the billowing clouds until they came back to familiarity. "A madness," she whispered. "But such a comforting madness. If only I could stay here forever-" Wistful tears blurred the moon. "If only, if only!
"Fool!" Lea buried her face fiercely on her knees again. "Make up your mind. Is this or isn't this insanity? You can't have it both ways-not at one time." Then the wistful one whispered, "If this is insanity-I'll take it anyway. Whatever it is it makes a wonderful kind of sense that I've never been able to find before. I'm so tired of suspecting everything. Miss Carolle said the greatest was believing. I've got to believe, whether I'm mistaken or not." She leaned her forehead against the cold glass of the window, her eyes intent on the far light. "I wonder what their wakefulness is," she sighed.
She shivered away from the chin of the glass and rested her cheek on her knees again.
"'But it is time," she thought. "Time for me to take a hand in my drifting. That's all it is, my staying here. Drifting in the warm waters of prebirth. Oh, it's lovely here. No worries about earning a living. No worries about what to do. No wondering which branch of the Y in the road to take. But it can't last." She turned her face and looked up at the moon. "Nothing is forever," she smiled wryly, "though unhappiness comes pretty close to it.
"How long can I expect Karen to take care of me? I'm no help to anyone. I have nothing to contribute. I'm a drag on her whatever she does. And I can't-how can I ever get cured of anything in such a protected environment? I've got to go out and learn to look the world full in the face." Her mouth
twisted.
"And even spit in its eye if necessary."
"Oh, I can't, I can't," one of her wailed. "Pull the ground up over me and let me be quit of everything."
"Shut up!" Lea answered sternly. "I'm running things now. Get dressed. We're leaving."
She dressed hastily in the darkness beyond the reach of the moonlight, tears flooding down her face. As she bent over to slip her shoes on she crumpled against the bed and sobbed deep wrenching sobs for a moment, then finished dressing. She put on her own freshly laundered clothes. She shrugged into her coat-"nearly new"-and gathered up her purse.
"Money-" she thought. I have no money
She dumped the purse on the bed. The few articles clinked on the bedspread. "I threw everything else away before I left-" able at last to remember having without darkness descending upon her, "and spent my last dollar-" She opened her billfold and spread it wide. "Not a cent." She tugged out the miscellany of cards in the card compartment-little rectangles out of the past. "Why didn't I throw these out, too? Useless-" She started to cram them back blindly into the compartment, but her fingers hesitated on a projecting corner. She pulled out a thin navy-blue folder.
"Well! I did forget! My traveler's checks-if there's anything left." She unsnapped the folder and fingered the thin crisp sheaf. "Enough," she whispered. "Enough for running again-" She dumped everything back into her purse, then she opened the top dresser drawer. A faint blue light touched the outline of her face. She picked up the koomatka and turned it in her hand. She closed her fingers softly over it as she tore the margin from a magazine on the dresser top. She scrawled on it, "Thank you," and weighted the scrap of paper with the koomatka.
The shadows were so black, but she was afraid to walk in the light. She stumbled down from the house toward the road, not letting herself think of the miles and miles to be covered before reaching Kerry Canyon or anywhere. She had just reached the road when she started convulsively and muffled a cry against her clenched fists. Something was moving in the moonlight. She stood paralyzed in the shadow.
"Oh, hi!" came a cheerful voice, and the figure turned to her. "Just getting ready to leave. Didn't know anyone was going in, this trip. You just about got left. Climb in-"
Wordlessly Lea climbed into the battered old pickup.
"Some old jalopy, isn't it?" The fellow went on blithely, slamming the door and hooking it shut with a piece of baling wire. "I guess if you keep anything long enough it'll turn into an antique. This turned long ago! That's the only reason I can think of for their keeping it."
Lea made a vague noise and clutched the side of the car grimly as it took off and raced down the road a yard above the white gravelly surface.
"I haven't noticed you around," the driver said, "but then there's more people here than ever in the history of the Canyon with all this excitement going on. It's my first visit. It's comforting somehow, knowing there are so many of us, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." Lea's voice was a little rusty. "It's a wonderful feeling."
"Nuisance, though, having to make all our trips in and out by night. They say that they used to be able to lift at least across Jackass Flat even in the daytime and then wheel in the rest of the way. But it's getting mighty close to dude season and we have to be more careful than during the winter. Travel at night. Wheel in from Widow's Peak. Lousy road, too. Takes twice as long. Have you decided yet?"
"Decided?" Lea glanced at him in the moonlight.
"Oh, I know I have no business asking," he smiled, "but it's what everyone is wondering." He sobered, leaning his arms on the steering wheel. "I've decided. Six times. Thought I'd finally decided for sure. Then comes a moonlight night
like this-" He looked out over the vast panorama of hills and plains and far reaches-and sighed.
The rest of the trip was made in silence. Lea laughed shakily at her own clutching terror as the wheels touched down with a thud on the road near Widow's Peak. After that, conversation was impossible over the jolting bumping bouncing progress of the truck.
They arrived at Kerry Canyon just as the sunlight washed across the moon. The driver unhooked the door for her and let her out into the shivery dawn.
"We're in and out almost every morning and evening," he said. "You coming back tonight?"
"No." Lea shivered and huddled into her coat. "Not tonight."
"Don't be too long," the driver smiled. "It can't be much longer, you know. If you get back when no truck's in, just call Mmm. Karen's Receptor this week. Bethie next. Someone'll come in to get you."
"Thank you," Lea said. "Thanks a lot." And she turned blindly away from his good-by.
The diner next to the bus stop was small and stuffy, clumsy still with the weight of the night, not quite awake in the bare drafty dawn. The cup of coffee was hot but hurried, and a little weak. Lea sipped and set it down, staring into its dark shaken depths.
"Even if this is all," she thought, "if I'm never to have any more of order and peace and sense of direction-why, I've
at least had a glimpse, and some people never get even that much.
I think I have the key now-the almost impossible key to my locked door. Time, patience and believing-and the greatest of these is believing."
After a while she sipped again, not looking up, and found that the coffee had cooled.
"Hot it up for you?" A new waitress was behind the counter, briskly tying her apron strings. "Bus'll be along in just a little while."
"Thank you." Lea held out her cup, firmly putting away the vision of a cup of coffee that had steamed gently far into the morning, waiting, patient.
Time is a word-a shadow of an idea; but always, always, out of the whirlwind of events, the multiplicity of human activities or the endless boredom of disinterest, there is the sky –the sky with all its unchanging changeableness showing the variations of Now and the stability of Forever. There are the stars, the square-set corners of our eternities that wheel and turn and always find their way back. There are the transient tumbled clouds, the windy wisps of mares' tails, the crackling mackerel skies and the romping delightful tumult of the thunderstorms. And the moon-the moon that dreams and sets to dreaming-that mends the world with its compassionate light and makes everything look as though newness is forever.
On such a night as this…
Lea leaned on the railing and sighed into the moonlight. "Was it two such moons ago or only one that she bad been on the bridge or fainting in the skies or receiving in the crisp mountain twilight love's gift of light from a child? She had shattered the rigidness of her old time-pattern and had not yet confined herself in a new one. Time had not yet paced itself into any sort of uniformity for her.
Tomorrow Grace would be hack from her appendectomy, back to her job at the Lodge, the job Lea had been fortunate enough to step right into. But now this lame little temporary refuge would be gone. It meant another step into uncertainty. Lea would be free again, free from the clatter of the kitchen and dining room, free to go into the bondage of aimlessness again.
"Except that I have come a little way out of my darkness into a twilight zone. And if I take this next step patiently and believingly-"
"It will lead you right back to the Canyon-" The laughing voice came softly.
Lea whirled with an inarticulate cry. Then she was clutching Karen and crying, "Oh, Karen! Karen!"
"Watch it! Watch it!" Karen laughed, her arms tender around Lea's shaken shoulders. "Don't bruise the body! Oh, Lea! It's good to see you again! This
is a better suicide-type place than that bridge." Her voice ran on, covering Lea's struggle for self-possession. "Want me to push you over here? Must be half a mile straight down. And into a river, yet-a river with water."
"Wet water," Lea quavered, releasing Karen and rubbing her arm across her wet cheeks. "And much too cold for comfortable dying. Oh, Karen! I was such a fool! Just because my eyes were shut I thought the sun had been turned off. Such a f-fool" She gulped.
"Always last year a fool," Karen said. "Which isn't too bad if this year we know it and aren't the same kind of fool. When can you come back with me?"
"Back with you?" Lea stared. "You mean back to the Canyon?"
"Where else?" Karen asked. "For one thing you didn't finish all the installments-"
"But surely by now-"
"Not quite yet," Karen said. "You haven't even missed one. The last one should be ready by the time we get back. You see, just after you left-Well, you'll hear it all later. But I'm so sorry you left when you did. I didn't get to take you over the hill-"
"But the hill's still there, isn't it?" Lea smiled. "The eternal hills-?"
"Yes," Karen sighed. "The hill's still there but I could take anyone there now. Well, it can't be helped. When can you leave?"
"Tomorrow Grace will be back," Lea said. "I was lucky to get this job when I did. It helped tide me over-"
"As tiding-over goes it's pretty good," Karen agreed. "But it isn't a belonging-type thing for you." Lea shivered, suddenly cold in the soul, fearing a change of pattern. "It'll do."
"Nothing will do," Karen said sharply, "if it's just a make-do, a time-filler, a drifting. If you won't fill the slot you were meant to you might as well just sit and count your fingers. Otherwise you just interfere with everything."
"Oh, I'm willing to try to fill my slot. It's just that I'm still in the uncomfortable process of trying to find out what rating I am in whose category, and, even if I don't like it much, I'm beginning to feel that I belong to something and that I'm heading somewhere."
"Well, your most immediate somewhere is the Canyon," Karen said. "I'll be by for you tomorrow evening. You're not so far from us as the People fly! Your luggage?"
Lea laughed. "I have a toothbrush now, and a nightgown."
"Materialist!" Karen put out her forefinger and touched Lea's cheek softly. "The light is coming back. The candle is alight again."
"Praised be the Power." The words came unlearned to Lea's lips.
"The Presence be with you." Karen lifted to the porch railing, her back to the moon, her face in shadow. Her hands were silvered with moonlight as she reached out to touch Lea's two shoulders in farewell.
Before moonrise the next night Lea stood on the dark porch hugging her small bundle to her, shivering from excitement and the wind that strained icily through the pinion trees on the canyon's rim. The featureless bank of gray clouds had spread and spread over the sky since sundown. Moonrise would be a private thing for the upper side of the growing grayness. She started as the shadows above her stirred and coagulated and became a figure.
"Oh, Karen," she cried softly, "I'm afraid. Can't I wait and go by bus? It's going to rain. Look-look!" She held her hand out and felt the sting of the first few random drops.
"Karen sent me." The deep amused voice shook Lea back against the railing. "She said she was afraid your toothbrush and nightgown might have compounded themselves. For some reason or other she seems to have suddenly developed a Charley horse in her lifting muscles. Will I do?"
"But-but-" Lea clutched her bundle tighter. "I can't lift! I'm afraid! I nearly died when Karen transported me last time. Please let me wait and go by
bus. It won't take much longer. Only overnight. I wasn't even thinking when Karen told me last night." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm going to cry," she choked, "or cuss, and I don't do either gracefully, so please go. I'm just too darn scared to go with you"
She felt him pry her bundle gently out of her spasmed fingers.
"It's not all that bad," he said matter-of-factly.
"Darn you People!" Lea wanted to yell. "Don't you ever understand? Don't you ever sympathize?"
"Sure we understand." The voice held laughter. "And we sympathize when sympathy is indicated, but we don't slop all over everyone who has a qualm. Ever see a little kid fall down? He always looks around to see whether or not he should cry. Well, you looked around. You found out and you're not crying, are you?"
"No, darn you!" Lea half laughed. "But honestly I really am too scared-"
"Well-say, my name is Deon in case you'd like to personalize your cussing. Anyway we have ways of managing. I can sleep you or opaque my personal shield so you can't see out-only you'd miss so much either way. I should have brought the jalopy after all."
"The jalopy?" Lea clutched the railing.
"Sure, you know the jalopy. They weren't planning to use it tonight."
"if you were thinking I'd feel more secure in that bucket of bolts-" Lea hugged her arms above the elbows. "I'd still be afraid."
"Look." Deon lifted Lea's bundle briskly. "It's going to rain in about half a minute. We're a long way from home. Karen's expecting you tonight and I promised her. So let's make a start of some kind, and if you find it unbearable we'll try some other way. It's dark and you won't be able to see-"
A jab of lightning plunged from the top of the sky to the depth of the canyon below them, and thunder shook the projecting porch like an explosion. Lea gasped and clutched Deon. His arms closed around her as
she buried her face against his shoulder, and she felt his face pressed against her hair.
"I'm sorry," she shuddered, still clinging. "I'm scared of so many things."
Wind whipped her skirts about her and stilled. The tumultuous threshing of the trees quieted, and Lea felt the tension drain out. She laughed a little and started to lift her head. Deon pressed it back to his shoulder.
"Take it easy," he said. "We're on our way."
"Oh!" Lea gasped, clutching again. "Oh, no!"
"Oh, yes," Deon said. "Don't bother to look. Right now you couldn't see anything anyway. We're in the clouds. But start getting used to the idea. We'll be above them soon and the moon is full. That you must see."
Lea fought her terror and slowly, slowly, it withdrew before a faint dawning wonder. "Oh!" she thought. "Oh!" as Karen's forgotten words welled softly up out of memory-"arms remember when eyes forget." "Oh, my goodness!" And her eyes flew open only to wince shut again against the outpouring of the full moon.
"Wasn't it-didn't you-?" she faltered, peering narrowly up into Dean's moon-whitened face.
"That's just what I was going to ask you," Deon smiled.
"Seems to me I should have recognized you before this, but remember, the first time I ever saw you you were neck-deep in water and stringy in the hair-one piece of it was plastered across your nose-and Karen didn't even clue me!"
"But look now! Just look now!"
They had broken out of the shadows, and Lea looked below her at the serene tumble of clouds-the beyond-words wonder of a field of clouds under the moon. It was a beauty that not only fed the eyes but made all the senses yearn to encompass it and comprehend it. It sorrowed her not to be able to fill her arms with it and hold it so tight that it would melt right into her own self.
Silently the two moved over acres and acres of the purity of curves, the ineffable delight of depth and height and changing shadows-a world, whole and
complete in itself, totally unrelated to the earth below in the darkness. Finally Lea whispered, "Could I touch one? Could I actually put my hands into one of those clouds?"
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