by Dale, Lindy
“I thought you found me irresistible.”
“Not so much anymore. You’re actually quite annoying. More than you used to be.”
Joel pulls me to him and kisses me. It’s a shock but a nice one and I sink into his embrace, enjoying his kiss. His lips feel so good, so warm. He deepens the kiss and I follow his lead until I’m panting in his arms.
“Am I really that annoying?” he whispers, leaning away.
“Yes.”
He moves his attention to my earlobe, which he nibbles on. His finger hooks under the hem of my neckline and he slides my top off one shoulder, then licks his way along my collarbone and nips at my skin with his teeth. He knows full well, I’m sure, that it makes me breathless.
“What about now?” he questions.
I push him playfully away and adjust my top. “Especially now. Get off me, I’m trying to wash these bottles for the baby. You’re getting in the way.”
“But you like having your ears nibbled.”
“I do, but not at eight in the morning when I’m washing up. Now go to work. That Iris renovation won’t finish itself. And despite how good your team are, I bet they’ve been slacking off without you cracking the whip.”
“I don’t need to crack the whip. They work out of love and devotion to their boss.”
I groan. “You are so full of yourself.”
Joel picks up his wallet and keys. He drops a kiss on my forehead. “That’s why you love me.”
“I’ll love you more if you give me some peace.”
I watch Joel as he swaggers from the kitchen, opening the garage door and disappearing. He’s whistling as he goes and it makes me smile that he’s happier.
After I’ve finished washing up and put Nicky down for a nap, I decide to ring Emily and see what she’s up to. She’s got a meeting with her wedding planner — the wedding is getting closer by the minute — so she suggests we meet for coffee afterwards. I have a shower and even manage to wash and blow-dry my hair while Nicky is sleeping, then I swaddle him against my chest, pack his carry bag and head off to meet her.
Emily is sitting in the alfresco of the cafe when I arrive. “Honey bubble. Look at you. You’re positively glowing.”
“Am I?” I ask. I’ve had a good few days, I suppose. I’ve managed to get through them without thinking of Nicholas too much and I’ve been walking a lot with the baby strapped to my body, so I’ve started to shed some of my baby weight.
“You look like a girl in love.”
“I don’t know about that.”
Emily orders us both a coffee and pours water from the bottle brought to us by the server. “So how’s things with Joel?”
“He’s driving me mental. He wants to have sex and I’m not ready. I just want comfort but he doesn’t seem to understand.”
“He’s a man. They find comfort in sex. It’s the physical release.”
“Oh God. I’ve put him off for now because technically we’re not meant to do anything for four to six weeks after the birth. But my doctor’s appointment is next week. He’ll be all over me then and I can’t handle it, Em. I can’t.”
Emily looks thoughtful. “Have you told him this? Joel’s a nice guy. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“He can be so persistent. And I’m weak around him. I always was. He only has to kiss me and I practically come.”
“Ooooh, sensitive little soul, are we?”
“Don’t joke. I’m serious.”
“He’s that good?”
“He’s that good.”
The server appears with our coffee and Emily pokes Nicky gently a few times to accidentally wake him up. She oohs and ahhs over his little blue eyes and clutch of dark hair. “I can’t wait to get pregnant,” she says. “Being the cool auntie is fun but I want my own babies.”
“It would be nice if our children were similar ages. Then they could be friends like us.”
Nicky begins to make little crying noises. After a few weeks, I’m starting to differentiate between his sounds. Emily must know too. As if using a sixth sense, she inserts a fingertip into Nicky’s mouth and he sucks on it. “He wants a feed,” she says.
“Pass him here.” I get a bottle from his carry bag and test it to make sure it’s still warm. I’ve been alternately feeding him on the breast and bottles of expressed milk because no matter what people say about breast-feeding, I’m just not one of those mothers who can whip a boob out in public. My efforts at skinny-dipping were the one and only time. Plus, getting him used to a bottle means Joel might be able to feed him. If he wants to.
As I feed Nicky, Emily and I continue to talk.
“So what are you going to do about Joel, then?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I feel so awkward.”
“If he’s that good in bed, why not just have sex with him when the time comes. It might be like riding a bike. Once you’re in bed together you might find everything goes back to the way it was.”
“That’s just it. It will never be the way it was. Nicholas is dead.”
“But you got over Joel leaving. You managed to transition into a monogamous relationship with Nicholas. The same is entirely possible with Joel. And if the bed’s still lonely you could always add the hunky older Mr. Lawson to the mix.”
Oh. My. God.
“Emily! I’m not going to have sex with Nicholas’ father. How disgusting.”
“Cool it, honey bubble, I was joking. Though you have to admit he’s one hot old dude. He has the exact same eyes as Nicholas and he’s majorly loaded. Hashtag I’d-go-there.”
“Hashtag let’s change-the-subject-before-I-throw-up.”
“Seriously, though, are you going to give the Joel thing a go once you get the all clear?”
“I don’t know if I can. I feel so guilty for even enjoying when he kisses me.”
“Do you want my suggestion?”
I nod. At this point I’m ready to listen to anything. “Okay.”
“Tequila. Lots and lots of tequila.”
*****
I walk home from my date with Emily. It seems like a good idea when I decide to do it but ends up being really quite a stupid idea. Nicky, of course, is sleeping peacefully against my chest but I’m knackered from carrying him, my jacket plus the baby backpack with all the essentials. I decide that leaving home with a baby would probably be easier with a car. Or a team of servants to carry the crap. I guess, now I have money I could buy what ever I like but I’ve never owned a car before and I don’t want Nicky’s arrival to change my life. I want him to fit into mine if I can.
I put Nicky down for a nap and collapse, exhausted, on the couch. It takes, oh, about three seconds before my eyelids begin to droop and I doze, my last coherent thought about going to the baby shop tomorrow and investing in a pram. It was the one thing Nicholas never bought me because I was superstitious about it. Mum always said it was bad luck to buy a pram before the baby was born. But Nicky is here now and I’ve had about as much bad luck as a girl can have in one lifetime so it’s time to invest. Plus, that little bundle of joy is heavy when you carry him for a few kilometres.
A while later, the doorbell rings, rousing me from my nap. I have no idea who could be there other than a doorknocker, so I decide to ignore it and curl further into my cushion. I’m too tired to delve into the ins and outs of whether I believe in God today. I don’t want to buy a raffle ticket for a new house. And I don’t need new gadgets and gizmos. I need sleep.
The doorbell rings a second time. My eyes roll in exasperation and I groan but continue to ignore.
There’s a third ring.
Geez, talk about persistent.
This time I get up and peek through the sidelight next to the front door. It’s not a Jehovah’s Witness or cancer research doorknocker. It’s a deliveryman. And he has a very big box on a trolley beside him. He’s breathing heavily as if the exertion of lugging the box up the front stairs is about to give him a coronary.
What on earth can be inside tha
t box?
It might be best to open the door. If Joel’s ordered some new contraption for his home gym he won’t be happy if I ignore the doorbell. Though why he would need an Ab Cruncher Pro is beyond me.
“Can I help you?” I ask the deliveryman.
The man looks at the name on his package. Okay, not his package package but the box.
“Sadie Cooper?”
“Yes.”
“Delivery for you from Baby World.”
I know I’ve been a bit ditsy since Nicky was born but I’ve definitely not ordered anything from the baby shop.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
He glances at the box again. He’s very testy, like it’s my fault he has to deliver stuff for a living or something. “Positive. Look, do you want it or not? I’m on a tight schedule. I’ve got four more deliveries to make before the end of the day. Opposite sides of town. If you don’t want it, I’ll take it back to the shop.”
“Um, I’ll take it. I guess.”
“Sign here.”
I sign the electronic clipboard. My curiosity has the better of me now. “Do you know what’s in the box?”
“I drive a truck, love. I’m not a bloody mind reader.”
Right. I was only asking.
I direct the man into the living room where he unloads the trolley and leaves. Then I sit for a while and stare at the box. I surmise as to what’s inside and whether Joel is behind this. Maybe he’s been buying stuff thinking to get into my good books on the sex front. I wouldn’t put it past him. But what else do I need? I hope it’s not a giant teddy. That’d scare the crap out of baby Nicky and we don’t live in a fun house. Perhaps I did order something a while back and have just forgotten about it in my pregnancy fog?
I dig my key out of my handbag and slide it through the sticky tape along the top. Cautiously, I flip back the lid. The first thing I see is a large blue bow. Okay. So we know it’s a boy. We get that. Taped to the bow is a card, which puts my mind at ease somewhat. I’m not going mental. I have not been cruising the aisles of Baby World in my haze and ordered some heinous baby hammock or something. Someone has sent me a gift.
I pull the card from the envelope.
I know you wanted to choose this with Nicholas and I know about your superstitious mind, so I’ve not said anything until now. But it’s time you stopped carrying Nicky about like a sack of potatoes. He needs a pram fitting to his station in life. And I need your arms free so I can cuddle the girl I love.
Joel X
The card makes me smile. In fact, I smile so hard I shock myself at the expression. I gaze into the box, a warm gooey feeling spreading through my body. It’s a feeling a haven’t experienced since Nicholas passed. This is so Joel to glean exactly what I need without me knowing and make it happen. It’s one of the little things about him I love, the fact that he can sense my every need. How the hell does he do that?
Putting the card aside, I delve into the box and peel the plastic wrapping from the top of the pram. I slit the sides of the box with a pair of scissors so that they flap to the floor, revealing a pram that is, literally, like my dream come true. It’s the Rolls Royce of prams in navy and cream. It’s uber stylish with big silver wheels and a rounded chassis to cushion the baby’s ride. The body of the pram is the colour of milk with the words Silver Cross printed on the side. This pram is divine. It has every bell and whistle that could possibly be fashioned onto a pram. This pram is so gorgeous even the Royals would be jealous if they saw me wheeling Nicky in it. And it’s also the exact one I chose that day I went shopping with Nicholas. And massively expensive. Like a thousand dollars expensive. What on earth was Joel thinking?
*****
Joel arrives home about an hour later. He’s early today and from the look on his face, his first day back has been hard. As you’d expect. He has to deal with the condolences all over again. I don’t think that’d bother him but the looks definitely would. The look of pity is hard for anyone to swallow.
I eye him as he crosses the room, trying to gauge his mood. His familiar, sexy gait sends a tingle through my insides as he comes to a stop on the other side of the bench. He fingers a slither of carrot on the chopping board and tosses it into his mouth. I think about his fingers doing other things and I’m sure I’m blushing. It still amazes me that he can turn me on without even trying. “Hey cowboy. I thought I’d make some stir fry for dinner.”
“Is that wise? I can get takeaway.”
So his day hasn’t been that bad, he can still take the piss over my cooking.
“I’ve been practicing while you were prancing about the globe. I can now cook stir fry and apple pie.”
“Not in the same pot, I hope.”
“You are so annoying.” I smack his fingers away from the vegetables. “How was the first day?”
“Fucked.”
Right. I raise an eyebrow hoping he’ll elaborate without me having to dig for information. He’s not that forthcoming about sharing feelings and stuff.
“I reckon every single person on site told me how sorry they were. Which is fine but I can’t go round being sorry every second of the day. Nothing will ever get done.”
“I’m sure it will get better now they’ve got it out of their system. How’s the build going? Nicholas seemed pretty confident you were on track for the December opening.”
Joel stills at the mention of Nicholas’ name. “The site manager has done a good job sticking to what we wanted but there’s a couple of problems to iron out. When I finally got the ‘I’m so sorry’ shit out of the way, I discovered a major issue with the heating system that means it won’t meet code. The boys have done their best to rectify it but it’s botched. I may have to ditch the whole thing and start from scratch if the electricians can’t come up with a better system.”
“Sounds hectic.”
“It’s times like these I’d fall back on Nick. The heritage people are throwing a hissy over the exterior being painted the wrong colour too, so I’ll have to sort that out. I’m not up with this shit, Sadie. I just build it. Nick was the sorting out guy. I don’t know if I can manage it without him.”
I put down my knife and wipe my hands before moving around the bench and taking him in my arms. “It’ll sort itself out. Give it time.”
“But I don’t do plans and design. I’m not a creative thinker like he was. I’m the hands-on fix-it guy, I know about council regulations but I can’t smooth talk that old crone from Heritage. She’s Nick’s domain.”
“You smooth talked me.”
“Easy pickings.” Joel grins at me. He nuzzles my neck and attempts to give me a love bite like we’re fifteen or something.
“Stop that!” I grumble, twisting my neck away from his lips.
Joel lifts his head. He’s laughing. To hear him laugh is the best thing ever.
“Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” he says.
“A couple of times, but I’m open for more.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I gesture to the living room where the pram is standing proudly in front of the empty fireplace, mostly because I can’t think of a place for it to call home. It’s so freaking big. “And thank you for my present. How did you know that was the exact pram I wanted?”
“I found a picture of it on Nick’s desk in the study. So, it’s from both of us, really. It was his idea originally, I just carried out what I thought he wanted to do. You really like it?”
“I love it. The other mothers are going to have serious pram envy when Nicky and I go to playgroup.”
“I did think of buying you a car but I knew you’d throw a damn fit.”
“Well, yes but only because I have my own money and I want to be independent. I wouldn’t be ungrateful.”
“There are many ways to display gratitude.” He raises an eyebrow.
And here we are back to the sex talk again.
“You don’t have to buy my affection, Joel. I do love you. M
ore than you realise.”
“I know. I just wanted to give you something special, something just from me. I wanted to show you that no matter what has happened I still care about you. The thing we had can exist without Nick. At least, I think it can.”
Awwww. If he keeps this up, I’m going to cry.
“You are the sweetest man ever.”
“Not the funniest or hottest? You disappoint me, Ariel.”
“Well that, too.”
Joel bends his head. His eyes bore into mine and as his lips close over my mouth and I quiver with longing for him, I forget, just for a minute that Nicholas ever existed. Just for a minute.
CHAPTER SIX
I’ve taken Emily’s advice re the sex thing. I’ve decided to bite the bullet and go through with it now I’ve been given the all clear from the doctor. Don’t get me wrong, I find Joel insanely attractive, I always have. But it’s been a long time between orgasms for us. My body is not as thin and taut as it used to be. The skin on my breasts looks more like a blue vein cheese in parts, not like a creamy glass of milk the way it used to. What if Joel doesn’t like the squishy bits? What if he prefers pre-baby Sadie? The very idea that when I take my clothes off he’ll no longer want me makes me very nervous. Because I want him. More than ever.
There’s also Nicholas to consider. I feel bad that I’m considering sex so quickly after his death. I know he wanted me to be with Joel but it doesn’t make things easier. Really, it doesn’t. If anything, knowing Nicholas wants me to make a life with Joel puts pressure on me. When I think of my last hours with Nicholas and him telling me to go to Joel, I feel powerless because the decision seems to have been made for me. I feel alone and very guilty because Nicholas might be watching me from Heaven and thinking I’ve forgotten him. I feel bad because I watch Joel from the corner of my eye and I want him. I’m consumed with thoughts of him. I dream of his touch and imagine him inside me again.
So, I pray the guilt of wanting to be with him won’t stop me from actually doing the deed. I want to make Joel happy like I used to. I want to lose myself when he’s fucking me, not be wishing he was Nicholas. Because that would literally be the most guilt-inducing thing of all.