by Paloma Meir
I woke up as the sun rose wrapped in Danny’s arms. How had this come to be? Serge had told me this is what I wanted. I had an urge to laugh as I looked at him sleeping beside me. He had a cruelty I would never forget, a strong dark streak in him.
I got into the shower and thought of Serge. How beautiful the day would be if he were still here with me. For all of his making fun of my overly romanticized thoughts he couldn’t have been sweeter with me. No more sweet kisses would we share. My eyes filled with tears again for what felt like the millionth time. I didn’t let them fall this time. I would feel better today as he told me I would. He was a wise one. I would have to trust him on this.
I scrubbed in the shower trying to rub off the deep tan I had thought worked with this new life of island living. I thought of running back to him. I took my fantasy further to remind myself why I hadn’t asked him to stay. He had given me that option. Saying no may have been the only good decision I had made in the previous eighteen months, also the most painful. Staying with me would have crushed him in the end however happy we were together.
The heart is a selfish organ. I only need to look on my bed to see that. The ugliness he had caused for no other reason than his heart hurt, for not having the strength to go after her wanted. A day late and dollar short Danny.
Serge and his money. That’s really all he wanted, other than me of course. I hated Los Angeles and what it had done to him. It’s glitz and false values had harmed the sweet soul of my Serge. He could never be happy living here with me off my stupid trust with me. My life had become too big. As he had always jokingly said he was a manly man.
A tear slipped down my cheek into the water of my shower. I knew I had to stop crying. He wouldn’t want that. Scrub, scrub the tan away. I would use sunscreen. I always got too carried away by my atmosphere, always assimilating visually the way that Serge with his being. To Danny he was the surfer buddy, to me he was all love with Carolina he was the literary loving brother. I’m sure at his office he was Clarence Darrow. We shared a chameleon quality.
Out of the shower I took my large bag of beauty creams and scrubs out from under the sink and carefully arranged them on the shelf. I applied a burning cleanser to my wildly tan face that now had tiny lines around its eyes. It burned badly taking the sting from my aching heart.
Serge had told me, we had been a beautiful accident. I missed him so much. The thought of his breath on me saying those sweet words almost brought up more tears. I reminded myself again that he didn’t want me to cry anymore. He told me everything would be okay now. Our plans were on track. I wondered if his plan felt as meaningless as mine did right now.
I would have to pull myself together for Louisa and my family, which included the brute on my bed. I took a deep breath and released my thoughts of Serge. I knew I would be doing that a lot for a long time to come. I thought of that old movie where the lovers meet once a year in a cabin by the woods. I wondered if Serge and I could ever live that way. I knew movies weren’t life. I knew I would spend the rest of the year crying for him. Another deep breathe.
I would run or jog. I had never liked exercise preferring long walks, but I needed a release. I needed to be strong. It wouldn’t be good for Louisa to have a sad mother. She would think that father’s brought unhappiness, possibly that all men brought that kind of malaise. I didn’t want her to be like me in that way, with such a complicated relationship to the males of this world, always seeing predators everywhere.
I applied an anti-aging cream to my face I had picked up somewhere in Brussels and applied a heavy coat of sunscreen all over my face and body. I crept quietly into my bedroom not wanting to wake the slumbering devil and put on what could pass for an exercise outfit.
I put Serge’s silly t-shirt away after holding it to my face for moment. I placed it at the bottom of my lingerie drawer where I kept mementos from Danny and Paolo. As I put it away I saw at the ruby bracelets that Danny had given me when we were kids. Where had that boy gone? I put it back away in what was now my drawer of pain.
Although I was quiet he woke up, catching me before I could runaway from everything for an hour at least. He opened his eyes. I saw Louisa in him.
“Thank you for last night Danny, but it mustn’t happen again. Marco has strict instructions on what to do should you behave badly with me. He has quite a knife collection. I would hate for him to have to use them on you.” I didn’t know why I continued to pretend that Marco was a dangerous vaguely unstable man but it felt good to say these outlandish things. Surely by now he had noticed Marco was a kind hearted gentle giant.
“Of course Zelda I do not wish to be knifed by Marco. I only want you to be happy. I’ll leave, I’ll bring back...” I held my hand up to him. His words were sweet and appeared deeply felt but we had all made our beds and now must lie in them. Serge’s name said out loud today would push me over the edge.
“What I said last night is still true. Stay for Louisa.” I choked up a bit and took a deep breath, “I’m going for a jog or a run right now. Go downstairs. Astrid makes a beautiful breakfast. You’ll love her coffee. Could you make dinner tonight? I don’t feel quite up to it today.”
“I’ll make you dinner every night Zelda. Do you want me to come with you on your run?”
“I’m running away from you, so no.” I ran out the door.
…
Danny spent his mornings on the computer putting away his life in Los Angeles. I worried his ugly furniture would arrive in big boxes polluting my carefully arranged home. I didn’t ask him about it because I didn’t like to talk to him unless Louisa was around us. I made it a point every day to spend an hour with the two of them fully engaged, acting as the family I had always wanted us to be. It tired me out. Afterwards I would go upstairs and look at Serge’s t-shirt, not taking it out of the drawer or touching it and take a nap hoping to live with him in my dreams. I only gave into my thoughts of him at that time of day. I imagined him patting my head being proud of me for that.
I knew his plan for working non-stop, gathering all he could but I wondered what he would do with his personal life. Even the most crazed workaholic had a private life. Would he go back to his world of woman passing through? Would he miss the closeness we shared and build a relationship with someone else? I suppose I could have called him or kept up in someway with him, but I knew that it would only increase my sadness and his, or maybe the end date had been so firmly in his mind that he had let it all go after his tears in the airplane bathroom. I didn’t think that he meant that in a joking way.
Our days revolved around Louisa. They had since we had moved to this tropical paradise. Danny fell into it completely for the first few weeks, taking up everyone else’s chores. After the first few weeks he grew restless with the way we had set up our lives. Marco didn’t work much outside my home as most of his needs were met by his rent-free existence. He gardened and made a big luau style meal every Sunday. They went surfing every afternoon while I took my secret nap with Serge.
Astrid and I would read or play backgammon. She wanted to join me on my morning runs. I seldom said no to her, but I needed that time. My morning run was all my planes and trains to freedom. My legs developed defined muscles for the first time in my life. I didn’t know if I like it or not. I didn’t really care. My tan began to fade from my newfound interest in my old beauty regimes. The lines around my eyes faded.
…
Danny was a dream dad to Louisa. He would take her to beach, walk her down to the shave ice stand down the street. It was everything I had wanted. Still there was too much time in the day for four people whose only real responsibility was caring for a two and half year old child.
One day after lunch he came to me excited about wanting to pay the rent on the house. I told him that I had bought it. He asked to pay the mortgage. I told him I had bought it outright. This caused him to become almost upset with me. I could see him try to keep it together and not order me around or correct me. I was touched by his effo
rts. He was very upset about something to do with tax deductions as if I cared. I explained I had bought outright for the benefit of Louisa and Astrid, more for Astrid actually. The train travel had wrecked her. More tax and estate planning talk from him. Why had he gone to business school, couldn’t he have been a doctor? The conversation bored me. I walked away.
He followed me into my home continuing his talk of numbers. He asked me how I spent my money, who was watching it. I told him I didn’t care about it. I told him he could have it all. I told him to give it away and I would be much happier without it, it had given me too much freedom and I hated it. I told him I would get a job at the shave ice stand. He looked at me with shock. I knew what I had said was ungrateful to the Gods and to everybody who had need. I knew I was being childish. I didn’t care.
He looked at me as if he wanted to set me straight in his strong way. His mouth open wide, he stopped talking and pulled me into a hug. I let him hug me but didn’t hug him back. It felt good. His body had always fit mine perfectly with him being only two or three inches taller than me. He was strong but not ridiculously so, more athletic than chiseled gym body. He smelled so good with a light sweat covering him from the always warm days here on the island. We stood together like that for a long time, me motionless in his embrace. He let go, and I went upstairs to my secret life with Serge.
The next day he approached me as I was leaving for my run. I worried he would try to join me on my time of peace again. I was sick of shooing them away for my private time. Marco had taken it especially hard when I wouldn’t let him join me on my jogs. I guess he missed the time before Danny came back to upset our charmed existence when I had forgotten the past. The times when the two of us were changing up the garden by pulling out the concrete where the grass now was, the grass that Serge and I had picnicked on.
He held a paper in his hand. He had applied for a job for me. I rolled my eyes the way Astrid did when things annoyed her. He said it was only two afternoons a week, and it paid twelve dollars an hour, more than the shave ice stand but still not enough to live on. He was being Serge-like with me. His efforts were sweet but they could not break the wall around my heart.
He showed me the paper. The job was with a local after school program. They needed someone to teach art twice a week from 4:00 to 6:00. He said I could do my textiles that it was technically an art form, or teach them drawing, anything. There was a great deal of freedom within the term art he said. He was so excited about it that I said yes to shut him up. What did I care? My moments with Louisa were the only time I felt alive. I was just killing time otherwise. He seemed surprised that I accepted the “job” he had found me.
…
I ran up the coast, my eyes avoiding the beach to my left. Up the road I went, cars speeding by dangerously close to me. I didn’t care for my sake if one of them hit me, only for Louisa’s. I ran faster hating my dramatic thoughts. I ran by a street that went up into the hills. I hadn’t run uphill before. It would be hard but I had to push myself out of the funk that was threatening to come back. I hauled myself up the incline that was steeper than it looked from the street below. I crested the top of the road or as far as I could push my body but there was another hill ahead of me.
Wiped out I lay back on the small broken sidewalk unable to catch my breath. Adrenalin pumped through my body. I would have thought it would have been a feel good experience, but it was the opposite. I cried out for Serge more than I had done by the valet stand the he day had left. The pain shook through me. Every part of my body ached for him. Why had he been brought back to me only to have to go way again? I wanted to swim across the hateful ocean that stood between us. My body rocked back and forth on the sidewalk. I hated everything that wasn’t Louisa or Serge.
My heartbeat slowed down, my respiration returned to normal. I stood up and looked down the road to the ocean below, so sick of being afraid of it, of everything. A curious feeling of Serge fell over me. He wouldn’t like me like this. He wanted me to be happy, as I wanted him to be happy, well before we ever even began our game, since we were little kids together.
My legs cramped as I walked down the hill and back to my home. I thought of the art program Danny had found. Being around kids knowing I would never actually carry the litter I had hoped for was appealing. I missed the large vats of dye, the earthy smell that filled my studio. I would never make my scarves again but teaching my technique was appealing. My business was part of my old life. Silviana was doing well with it, definitely making more money than I ever had. She pushed the production, streamlining the costs. I promised myself I would write her a letter of thanks for sending me Serge’s black scarf I had never imagined actually giving to him.
I decided to resume my letter writing later that day instead of taking my nap. It had been a long time since I had communicated with Carolina and Theodora. I would get them up to date leaving out the parts that were too painful. I had never gone into depth with Carolina about Serge. I wouldn’t do that soon, but one day I would tell her about her brother and how I loved him. I would return Anthony’s email since he didn’t like words on paper.
“It’s beach day everyone. Astrid, pack up the basket, get the towels.” I yelled out to my home compound as I opened wooden door to my house. Danny came running around the corner. He always seemed to be lurking around me when he wasn’t playing with Louisa.
“What? The beach? Are you sure you’re up for this," He asked.
It dawned on me that everyone had been treating me as if I had mental problems instead of heartbreak for the past few months. Maybe they had been correct. I had gone through the holidays as a Zombie, letting everyone take care of decorations, dinners and gifts. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I could have my hurt and function. My hurt kept him close to me. I liked my hurt heart.
“Why wouldn’t I be up for the beach? It’s a beautiful day.” I asked as if he were the person struggling out of a dark place instead of me.
“Okay good we’ll do this.” He said as he rubbed his hands together.
His overprotective reactions made me smile, a genuine smile.
I went upstairs, slipped on my favorite pink bathing suit, reapplied my sunscreen and went outside to find all of them waiting for me. Their hands were full of baskets, blankets and towels. I felt a little embarrassed by their big smiles. I thought I had kept up a good face in these past two months. I had been wrong. Louisa jumped up into my arms and nuzzled her face in my neck. We walked across the highway together to the beach as one big family.
Astrid and Marco took Louisa down to the water so Danny could acclimate me to “the beach”. What must they have thought of my dislike of the sandy shore? Only Danny knew of what had happened to me on the beach. I didn’t share the bad day with newcomers in my life and Louisa would never know.
I let him hold my hand as he behaved in an overly supportive way trying to down any fears that I may have been feeling. I let him carry on with his pep talk. He made me feel like I was a new player on his high school lacrosse team. I liked his hand on mine, the feeling was warm and familiar. When he started speaking in motivational poster language I stopped him.
“Thanks Danny. You’ve been a great help.” I managed to keep a straight face somehow, “You know what though? I don’t like the beach. The sand gets on my towel and it dries out my skin, it gets on my scalp. Emotionally it’s fine. I wouldn’t walk on it alone at night but otherwise it’s just not an experience I like. I prefer poolside with service staff bringing food and drinks.” I meant that too. The beach was disgusting. I had downplayed it for him not wanting to sound snobbish. There were people everywhere eating smelly food. Why would anyone want to go to the beach?
“Okay I get it. You don’t like the sand. Understandable. It is drying. Will you be all right if I leave you alone for a minute?” He stood up not waiting for my answer, and ran back towards the parking lot.
I picked off the grains of sand that had become stuck to the sunscreen on my stomach.
The sand stuck to my fingers. I wiped it off on the towel picking up more sand. The whole process made me think of poor Sisyphus endlessly pushing the boulder for all eternity.
“I have a solution for your problem.” He proudly stood over me with a cheap looking metal lounge chair he must have bought in the parking lot. His smile was victorious. Looking at him standing there it was hard to believe that he could ever have been so truly bad.
He put the lounger down and placed all the towels over it so the cheap plastic straps wouldn’t touch my skin. It was all a little much, but well intentioned. My comfort on the beach became of greater importance than his own life it seemed. It was all very sweet and odd. I ruined it by sitting down and opening my mouth.
“There’s still sand on me. It won’t come off.” I continued to try to pick the grains off my body. I knew I was behaving in a petulant way but couldn’t stop.
He picked me up off the lounger and carried me down to the water without saying a word. He placed me feet first onto the shore and began cupping water and rinsing down the sand off my body. He did it in a very methodical way avoiding any of my more private areas and not looking at my body. All cleaned off he picked me back up and carried me back to the lounge.
“All better now?” He still wasn’t looking at me.