by Jeff Kinney
But the last straw was when Amanda Pickler did
a Book Talk on “The Brain with a Mind of Its
Own.” Amanda brought in a fake brain made out
of Jell-O, but she lost her grip and dropped it on
the floor, which made two kids pass out.
A bunch of parents aren’t happy about the
Spineticklers books, either. I heard that Danny
McGlurk’s dad went to last week’s PTA meeting
and said he wanted the books banned because they
promote WITCHCRAFT.
OOPS!
SPLOP
80
Apparently, Mr. McGlurk caught Danny dabbling
in the “dark arts” in his garage, and Mr.
McGlurk blamed it all on the Spineticklers books.
But the way I heard it, Danny was just
practicing magic tricks for the fall talent show.
I seriously hope the Spineticklers books don’t get
banned, because they’re the only thing keeping my
reading grade up.
We’re required to read fifteen books by the end of
the year, and ALL of mine are from that series.
The way you prove you finished reading a book is
by taking a multiple-choice test on the computer.
AHA!
BEGINNER'S
MAGIC SET
81
I’ve gotten a 100% on every single test I’ve
taken so far, which I guess proves I’m really
paying attention when I read the books.
When I got home, I told Mom how Mrs. Mott
was making us redo our author biographies, and I
didn’t know what to do.
But Mom told me the reason I couldn’t find any
information on I.M. Spooky is because he’s not an
actual PERSON.
I told Mom that was ridiculous because this guy
has written almost 200 books. But Mom said
sometimes publishers create a fictional author and
then hire a bunch of people to write books under
that name.
QUESTION 12:
Who did the Chattering Chompers eat?
Mother
Father
Baby Ellis
All of the above
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I gotta say, if that’s true I feel kind of
cheated. But I feel worse for ROWLEY, because
he wasted his time writing I.M. Spooky a letter.
Mom was trying to help me find a different
author who’s an actual human being when there was
a knock at our door. I answered it, and there
was a lady and some kid I’d never seen before.
Dear Mr. Spooky,
First
of
all
let
me
say
I am a huge fan. But
the reason I am writing
is
to
complain
that
the
book "Scaredy Cat and
the Haunted House" was
WAY too scary.
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I was pretty spooked when she asked if my
name was Greg Heffley. That’s when I saw the
deflated balloon in the kid’s hand, and I put two
and two together.
At first I was kind of excited, because if someone
found my BALLOON, that meant I was gonna
get that giant jar of candy corn. But then I
remembered what I wrote in my letter and wished
I could take some of it back.
I didn’t want these people thinking I was some
weird kid who makes friends by sending out letters
attached to helium balloons. But I guess it didn’t
really matter. I figured I could just take my
balloon back and send them on their way.
And finally, if you find this balloon
and return it to me without delay, I
can promise you a large cash reward.
I have a rich uncle and I'm sure he'd
be happy to hook you up.
Sincerely,
Greg
Heffley
84
Before I knew it, though, Mom was at the front
door, and she invited them INSIDE. Thirty
seconds later we had these two total strangers
sitting at our kitchen table.
The lady introduced herself as Mrs. Selsam and
said her son’s name was Maddox. They live in the
next town over. Apparently this kid Maddox was
practicing the violin in his bedroom and saw the
balloon dangling from a tree branch outside.
85
Mrs. Selsam said their house is way out in the
sticks, and they don’t really have any neighbors.
Plus, because she works full-time and goes to
school at night, she doesn’t get many chances to
set up “playdates” for Maddox.
She said that when she read the letter she knew
it was “meant to be,” and they got in the car and
drove right over.
I was starting to get REALLY uncomfortable.
All I was trying to do was win some candy corn,
and now things were getting totally out of control.
But before I could explain this was all a big
misunderstanding, Mom told me I should take
Maddox upstairs and get to know him while she
chatted with Mrs. Selsam in the kitchen.
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So now this kid was in my ROOM. And it seemed
like it was just as awkward for HIM as it was
for ME.
I tried making conversation, but I couldn’t get
a WORD out of him. Eventually I gave up and
just pretended he wasn’t there.
When I turned on my computer to play a
video game, though, Maddox turned into a
TOTALLY different person. He got all worked
up and started making strange noises.
OOOOH!
OOOO0H!
ITCH
ITCH
BLEEP
BLORP
BLAP
87
I didn’t know WHAT was going on, but five
seconds later Mrs. Selsam came running into my
room and turned off my monitor. She said she
doesn’t allow Maddox to play video games, and the
reason he was so “animated” was because he’d never
actually SEEN one before.
I wish she hadn’t said her kid doesn’t play video
games, because I didn’t need Mom getting any
crazy ideas.
Maddox was having trouble calming down, so
Mrs. Selsam said they should probably be heading
home. And that was just fine by ME. But I
wish I hadn’t been so eager to get them out the
door, because after they drove away I realized I
never did get my balloon back.
PANT
PANT
88
Saturday
Yesterday I told Vice Principal Roy that someone
found my balloon, but he wouldn’t hand over the
candy corn unless I brought the balloon in to
prove it.
So today when Mom said she wanted to take me
to Maddox’s house for a get-together, I was all
for it. I figured I’d make a little chitchat, grab
the balloon, and be on my way.
But Mom had OTHER plans. When we got to the
Selsams’ house, which really WAS in the middle of
nowhere, Mom said she was gonna go into town
and have coffee wit
h Mrs. Selsam while I hung
back with Maddox.
Believe me, if I would’ve known THAT was gonna
be the deal, I never would’ve gotten in the car.
89
When Mom dropped me off, I figured I might
as well try to make the most of it. Maddox was
actually TALKING this time, so that was a
decent start at least.
I asked Maddox if he had any junk food, but he
said his mom doesn’t let him have any of that kind
of stuff. I asked him if he wanted to watch some
TV, but he told me they didn’t HAVE a television.
At first I thought he was joking, but sure enough,
in the family room there was a BOOKSHELF
where the TV was supposed to go.
In fact, there were books EVERYWHERE in
this house.
90
I asked Maddox what he does for fun, and he said
he either practices his violin or plays with his Legos.
I was pretty relieved to hear that he actually had
some TOYS, because I was starting to wonder
about this kid.
But when he showed me what he had in his bedroom,
I was totally blown away.
He had a whole Lego CITY in there. Maddox said
he wants to be an engineer when he grows up,
and whenever he asks for a Lego set, his mom
buys it for him. All I can say is, she must have
spent a FORTUNE.
91
I wanted to play with some of the big sets
Maddox had, but he wouldn’t let me go anywhere
NEAR them.
He told me if I wanted to play with his Legos, I
could use the pieces from his “leftovers” bin. That
was a pretty big letdown, because the leftovers
bin was filled with a bunch of random pieces.
So while Maddox was putting together a 500-piece
Lego spaceship, I did the best with what I had.
DIG
DIG
92
After about an hour and a half, Mom and Mrs.
Selsam finally came back. Luckily, my balloon was
sitting on the little table next to the front
door, so I grabbed it on the way out.
But just when I was about to get in the car,
Mrs. Selsam came running out with Maddox right
behind her. Maddox said I “stole” from him. I
tried to explain that the balloon was actually
MINE, and I was just taking it BACK.
HORSE
93
But Maddox wasn’t talking about the BALLOON.
He said I stole one of his LEGOS. Apparently
one of the pieces was missing from his leftovers
bin. And don’t even ask me how he knew THAT.
I swore up and down I didn’t take any of his
Legos, and I even turned my pockets inside out
to prove it. But he STILL wasn’t satisfied.
So I actually let Maddox and Mrs. Selsam pat me
down, which was totally humiliating. But I gotta
admit it was pretty satisfying when they couldn’t
find anything on me.
After that I thought I was in the clear, and
I turned to get in the car.
PAT
PAT
PAT
PAT
94
That’s when Maddox spotted a Lego that was
stuck to my elbow.
What really stinks is that it was one of those
tiny square pieces, and I’m sure Maddox had a
BILLION of those in his leftovers bin.
Anyway, that’s how our “playdate” ended.
On a positive note, I got what I came for. But
on the way home, Mom seemed pretty upset. I
thought she was mad about the Lego piece, but
she wasn’t.
ACTUAL
SIZE
HEY!
95
She said she was disappointed I didn’t hit it off
with Maddox, because she thought he was a good
“role model” for me.
But if Mom wants to connect me with someone I’ll
actually look UP to, she’s gonna have to try a
little harder.
Monday
For the past few days, Mom’s been doing an
experiment on me and Rodrick. She wanted to see
how long we’d go before one of us would take out
the trash without being told. But I guess we
failed the test, because last night she gave up.
SCRAPE
96
At dinner, Mom said she didn’t go to college just
so she could spend her time cleaning up after
everyone and scraping gum off our shoes. She said
she needed to be in a “stimulating environment”
and was going back to school full-time to finish her
master’s degree.
She said that for this to work, everyone’s gonna
have to pitch in extra around the house. So to
make chores “fun,” she created a “Grab Bag,”
which is a pillowcase filled with little slips of paper
that have random jobs written down on them.
I’m pretty sure she got the idea from “Family
Frolic” magazine.
Me and Rodrick are supposed to reach into the
Grab Bag every day after school and do a chore.
WASH THE
WINDOWS
DO THE
DISHES
97
Mom told us that if we do our chores, she’ll let us
dip into the Halloween candy a little early.
Well, that’s proof it’s SOMEWHERE in the
house. But that’s just gonna be BONUS candy
for me, because today at school I traded in my
balloon for that big jar of candy corn in Vice
Principal Roy’s office. And as soon as I got
home, I hid it in the bottom drawer of my
dresser so I didn’t have to share it with anyone.
After that was taken care of, I reached into
the Grab Bag and pulled out a slip of paper and
got “Polish the Silverware,” which has to be the
worst chore in there.
Rodrick must have added his OWN items to the
Grab Bag, because I found him asleep next to a
slip of paper with his handwriting on it.
98
I decided to help myself to some candy corn as a
reward for finishing my chore, but when I walked
into my room, my bottom drawer was open and the
jar was EMPTY.
It didn’t take me long to find the culprit. I
found the pig stumbling around the kitchen like it
was drunk or something.
At first I was mad, because not only did the pig
eat all my candy corn, but it somehow figured out
how to unscrew the jar to do it.
TAKE A NAP
ZZZZ
99
Then I started getting kind of WORRIED,
because the pig really didn’t look so good.
I figured Grandpa might know what to do, but
he was out on a date with Mrs. Fredericks. I
woke Rodrick up and asked HIM what to do, and
he said I should call Dad. So I did, but Dad was
in a meeting.
I didn’t want to bother Mom, because I knew she
was at her college signing up for classes. But the
pig was turning green, so I called her anyway. I
told her that the pig seemed pretty sick, and
she asked me if it had eaten anything strange.
100
I really didn’t wanna tell her it had gotten into
my candy corn, so I told her I wasn’t sure. She
said we’d better take the pig to the vet just
in case, and that she was leaving school and would
meet us there.
Rodrick wasn’t happy I was waking him up for
the second time in five minutes, but one look at
the pig convinced him we needed to get moving.
On the ride over, I held the pig in my arms in
the back of Rodrick’s van. But halfway to the vet
the pig started making weird sounds.
GLORK
GLORK
GLORK
LODED
DIPER
101
I told Rodrick to pull over, but by the time he
did it was already too late.
Now there was a giant, gooey, orange-and-yellow
puddle on the floor of Rodrick’s van. And I’m
pretty sure I’ll never be able to look at candy
corn the same way again.
Rodrick said it was my fault for making the pig
sick, so it was MY job to clean it up. Then he
handed me a roll of paper towels and told me to
get to work.
BLORF
LODED
DIPER
102
Even though the puddle was candy corn, it didn’t
SMELL like it. I tried mopping it up while
holding my breath, but it was hopeless.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and realized I
was gonna get sick MYSELF. Fortunately, I was
able to get out of the van in time.
UNFORTUNATELY, the lady whose yard we
were parked in front of was outside raking leaves
and saw the whole thing.
BLECH!
DIP
103
I guess she thought we were a couple of bad kids
and this was some kind of juvenile prank, because
she said she was calling the COPS.
So I got back in the van and we peeled out of
there as fast as we could and turned on to the
highway. But we didn’t get far.
Luckily, I was able to explain everything to the
police officer, but he didn’t seem to want to hear
all the details.
POLICE
LODED