I lifted my chin up, eyes coolly following his restless movements. "Don't get moralized on me now, John. You have no right to judge me, this judgment coming from a man who just asked me to help him cheat on his wife."
John had the decency to blush at the truthfulness of my words but glared at me. "Yeah, but my own kid brother, Kai? Come on, why Cedric?"
"I-"
"It's disturbing," John went on, facing me with his hands on his hips. "You've known him since he was just a little brat. Hell, he's still a brat! He could be your own brother."
"But he's not."
"That's beside the point," John growled. "Cedric is 17, still in high school for god's sake. What could a kid like that give a grown man like you?"
I looked away from John's accusing glare. "He makes me happy."
Silence stretched between us for several seconds before John broke the silence. "How long?"
I looked at him. "What?"
"How long have you and my brother been," he couldn't seem to say it. "How long have you two been in this sort of relationship?"
"Since you're wedding."
John's mouth went slack. "My wedding...but..." his eyes widened. "Your clothes, I remember you coming out the woods with your clothes messed up but I-at my own wedding reception, Kai?"
I flinched. "I hadn't meant for it to happen. It just had."
"Was it you who approached him first, Kai?" John asked. "Why-" He stopped talking, staring at me in a thoughtful manner. I knew what he was thinking and when he laughed, it was a mocking laughter.
"Wow," he said between chuckles, "really, Kai? You couldn't have me so you went after my brother?" John tilted his head and looked at me. "We do look alike right?"
"It's not like that," I whispered. Even to my own ears I didn’t sound too convincing.
"Oh really?" John laughed again, not believing me. "Because that's really the only reason why you'd even give him a second glance. We look alike so you figured, 'well if I can't have the older brother I'll seduce the younger one.'"
"That's not how it happened."
"It doesn't matter how it happened," John snapped. "But I have the feelings that I'm not too far from the truth, now am I, Kai?"
When I didn't reply, John closed the distance between us and knelt down before me. "Admit it," John insisted, "admit that you're still in love with me and just using Cedric for my replacement. Admit it, Kai."
I closed my eyes, wanting to block out the image of John's face for the first time in my life. But when I opened my eyes, he was still there, looking up at me with determined blue eyes that demanded me to admit something that was no longer true.
"Cedric was your replacement," I admitted.
"Hah!" John pushed himself up and hovered above me with a wide knowing grin. "I knew it!"
"But it's not like that now," I continued. "I...Cedric's more important to me now."
"Yeah," John sneered, "I bet." He knelt down again and took my hands into his. "But Kai, why have a replacement when you can have the real thing?"
I stared at him, completely amazed that he was still suggesting such a thing. "John, I'm not going back in a relationship with you. It would be wrong."
"You having an affair with my little brother is wrong."
I winced. "I know."
John squeezed my hands. "Kai, let's get back together. Let's start over. I'll divorce Julia eventually."
Eventually? Now it was my turn to laugh at his face, that same mocking laughter he had given me. I snatched my hands back and stood. "It's too late for us, John."
John stood, looking down at me. "It's never too late."
I shook my head sadly, tired now. "No, John. For us, it's too late."
"So what," he said, eyes narrowing, "you're going to keep using Cedric?"
"I'm not using him." I don't think I've been using him actually. Whenever Cedric was around, not once since our first time having sex together at John's wedding had I ever pretended that he was his older brother. That should have been my warning bells.
"Yes, in the beginning our relationship started out like that," I told John. "But it's not like that now."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I care about Cedric and I want to be with him."
There could have never been more truer words. Admitting that out loud seemed to take a heavy weight off my shoulder. I felt lighter, more free. Already, I couldn't wait to see Cedric again, that's how dear he's become to me. I didn't want to be away from him for too long. I wonder if he felt the same way.
"That's nuts." John grabbed my shoulders firmly. "Kai, he's 17!"
"So what?" I lifted my chin up stubbornly. "He likes me." I didn’t want to tell John that Cedric had actually told me that he loved me. I didn’t want to taint that sweet memory.
John snorted and released me. "He's 17, he doesn't know what he likes." John paused. "Having a relationship with him is risky. He could always change his mind and leave you."
I crossed my arms and regarded him coolly at his hypocrisy. "Oh yeah? Like you did?"
"I made a mistake!" I had to give it to him. He looked tortured, as if he was hurting. And maybe he was but at this point, I no longer cared. Yes, there's still an ache in my heart where John had been, but now Cedric was filling up that void, making me feel happier than I've ever been. Even with John.
"Kaito," John said, voice pleading. "Don't do this."
"Remember three months ago?" I asked, throat burning as my eyes stung with tears I was determined for him not to see shed. "Remember when you left me? You said that we were just never meant to be. Remember that, John? Well...I think you were right."
"Oh god," John choked, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why do you have to hold these things against me? People make mistakes! Mine was leaving you and since I've left I realized what a stupid ass I've been to you. I realize that now, Kai. I can change."
"Maybe you can," I said, "but not for me. You can't even leave Julia."
"Kai-"
I held up a hand and cut him off. "John. We would have never worked out. I realize that now. I had been clinging onto something that has been crumbling the minute we started having a relationship. I wanted to desperately hold on to you...but I know I was wrong for it. We don't fit."
"Yes we do!" John shouted. "We just have to work our issues out-"
"Enough, John." I shook my head. "It's over now."
John stared at me then bowed his head and rubbed his eyes. He turned his back to me and again silence descended between us. I stared at his back, memories of our childhood haunting me. With all his faults, John had been there for me when it mattered. When we were both just teens, before he got too obsessed with his art, he had always been there, picking up the pieces.
"John." I stepped closer to his him. "John...I still love you, but not like before."
He didn't reply.
"I want you to know that I'm grateful to you. The things we've been through since we met I-I don't regret them. They taught me to be strong. You taught me to be strong."
Since he wouldn't turn around to face me, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt him stiffen but he didn't push me away. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his warm back.
"John, I'm sorry and...thank you." I felt him take hold of my hands but still didn't say anything so I continued. "When we were younger, I don't know what I would have done without you. You were my rock. I was hurting and when you showed up, you took my pain away. Having to live with people like my parents...my step-father...you made things easier."
"Does Cedric know about that?" John asked, finally speaking up.
I opened my eyes and shook my head. "No."
"Will you tell him?"
"I don't know."
John sighed. "I do love you, Kai."
I smiled. "I know." But he didn't love me enough. And truthfully, maybe I never loved him enough either. When I had been so desperately clinging onto him, was
it because of love or just that? Desperation? John's always been there right from the start and I hadn't wanted that to change.
I had been afraid.
"So there's no hope for us?"
I shook my head. "We have to move on. Both of us."
"I'm not going to stay with Julia. I'm going to leave her."
"Then I hope you find someone who can make you happy, John. I really do wish that for you."
"This is so messed up," John laughed lightly. "I came here hoping that we could get back together but instead I've been replaced by my own little brother."
"I'm sorry."
John turned and faced me, still holding onto my hand. "So I guess this is it."
"Yeah." I smiled weakly. "I guess so."
"I really want to keep fighting for you," John said with a crooked smile, "but I can tell that it would be a wasted effort. You've already moved on."
"Yes."
John stared down at me longer before letting out a deep and tired sigh. "Well...okay."
I stared at our clasped hands. "I want us to still be friends."
"You're asking for a lot."
I looked up at him. "I know."
He sighed. "Give me time to get used to this. You and my brother...does it really have to be him?"
"I don't think I can live without him now."
"Damn." John smiled weakly. "I was afraid you'd say that." It looked like he too was close to tears but we were both stubborn so we held our tears in.
"But before I completely hand you over..." John lowered his head and pressed his lips against mine. Again my chest began to throb, that ache burning. I guess I'll always have this feeling around him.
It was bittersweet, just like this kiss.
John lifted his head up and stared at me. "Nothing?"
I laughed shakily. "No," I lied.
"Damn." He grinned, but it looked as shaky as my laugh. "Can't blame a guy for trying, right?"
John backed away from me and turned. I watched him walk to my door and slipped his shoes back on. "I can't say I approve of your relationship with Cedric," he was saying, "but if he makes you happy I'll keep my mouth shut about your relationship."
He straightened and looked back at me. "If you really love him, you should tell him about what happened in the past before he finds out himself."
I nodded. "I know." But it was a chapter in my life that I didn't want to re-live. I've forced myself all these years to not even think about it.
John opened the door but paused. Again he looked at me, looking torn. "Kai..."
I swallowed. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you really needed." He left and closed the door behind him before I could even reply.
I stared at the closed door, wondering if I had made the right decision of letting him go. Then Cedric's face floated in my mind and I knew that I had made the right decision. John and I were the past. And hopefully, Cedric will be my present and future.
But still...
"I'm sorry too, John," I said aloud, saying the words he probably wouldn't have wanted to hear. He had left too fast to hear them. I'm sorry too because maybe, just maybe he could have been the one...if there was no Cedric.
I sat on the couch and continued to stare at the door. Finally, after a few more minutes, finally, I let the tears fall.
***
"I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on so I'm already gone. You can't make it feel right, when you know that it's wrong"- Kelly Clarkson
Chapter Nine
+Cedric+
That was a really fucked up thing for you to do," Kara said as soon as Miranda rushed out the car, slamming the door close in her wake.
Through out the entire car ride, my two usually chatty friends were unusually silent. Well, their mouths were silent but the atmosphere and the way their eyes drilled holes into me spoke volumes.
I sighed. But here it comes, now that Miranda was out the car and dashing into her home, Kara will finally say what she's kept bottled up. I wonder what Kai is doing with my brother now...
"You bastard," Kara snarled viciously on the seat beside me, "how could you!?"
I looked at her. "What?"
Her eyes widened. "What? What!? You ass! You know that Mimi likes you and you...you just had to show her that....whatever the hell that was!"
" If I recall correctly, it was you who insisted to meet my special someone."
"Yeah! But I didn't know it was a guy!"
I lifted a brow at that. "Really? And that makes a difference?"
"W-well yeah," Kara sputtered, "Mimi-"
"Mimi is a big girl," I pointed out, "she'll be fine."
"It was disgusting," Kara went on, and crossed her arms. "Kissing that guy like that after we just saw him kissing your brother."
I studied the girl beside me with amused interest. Really, this girl was interesting. Did she have any idea how hypocritic her accusations were? Not that her anger bothered me, in fact I thought that it was about time that she too be true to herself.
"You know," I began casually, breaking her moody silence. "I've been in love with Kai since childhood. I thought he was so very far out my reach when he was with my brother and then a miracle occurred."
I closed my mouth and remained silent, waiting for her to make the next move. If she was curious enough in what I had to say, then there was hope for the girl.
And sure enough, Kara glanced at me and grudgingly muttered, "What miracle?"
I smiled discreetly. Ah, so there was hope for the girl after all.
"My brother was stupid enough to let Kai go so I made my move. Opportunity came knocking and I answered. Gladly. I made my move and now I have the one I love most within my grasp."
Kara snorted rudely and rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah? Well that Kai guy seemed pretty chummy with your brother earlier."
"I said I have him within my grasp," I said gravely, "but I never said I have him completely. Right now, I'm giving him the freedom to choose. My point was, Kara, is that a window of opportunity was opened for me to make my move...maybe it's about time you made yours."
She stared out the window, my words possibly churning in her head. She knew what I was talking about but the thing was, will she be truthful?
"You suck," Kara grumbled after a while. "You Mr.-Know-It-All."
I smiled. "No, I don't know everything but then again, I'm just 17. I still have time."
She glared at me. "How long have you known?"
"Known what?" I asked slyly.
Her hazel eyes narrowed. "You know 'what', you jerk."
"You're going to have to be more specific on that. Know what, Kara?"
"You just want me to admit it out loud."
Funny girl. "Admit what?"
"Cedric. Shut up." And then she sighed that sigh of defeat. "How long have you known that I like her?"
"Who?"
Kara punched my arm. "Cedric!"
I chuckled. "I've known for a while now."
"But how could you? I haven't let anything slip."
"I'm very perceptive."
"Another word for nosy," Kara said with a haughty sniff. "Tell her and I'll wrap your dick around your neck and choke you with it."
I looked at her with innocence. "Tell who?"
"Buster, you're really cruisin' for a bruisin'."
I laughed lightly. It really was too amusing to rile this girl up. But I shouldn't tease her too much. "You should be truthful with Mimi."
"She doesn't like girls."
"Has she ever said that?"
"Well...no, but she's never liked a girl either." Kara shot an accusing glare my way. "She likes you."
"She likes my face," I told her.
"Whatever."
"Kara, look at me."
The girl remained stubbornly staring out the window.
With a sigh, I leaned forward and grabbed her chin gently, forcing her to look at me. "Kara, wallowing in self pity won't get y
ou what you want. Trust me, I know. I had to go after what I wanted and so must you."
Kara, the proudest girl I've ever had the pleasure of knowing stared at me, bottom lip noticeably quivering. "She doesn't like me like that."
"I can't say 'it won't hurt to try', because I know it can turn out in heartbreak but," I paused, making sure our eyes met. "You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't try."
"So you're basically telling me to hit on Mimi while she's down?"
I grinned at her. "Yes, yes I am."
Kara stared at me and laughed. "Wow, I never knew you were this manipulative."
I released her chin and settle back on my seat with a shrug. "To accomplish your goals, sometimes one must be...crafty."
Kara sighed. "Mimi likes you so I don't even stand a chance."
"And I just showed her that she doesn't stand a chance." I started the car. "Now it's your time to shine and pick up the pieces."
"I can't believe you're telling me this."
I glanced at her. "I like you, Kara and we're the same, you and I. I made my move so now I think it's about time you do the same." I unlocked the doors. "Now, shouldn't you be trying to comfort a certain someone?"
Kara stared at me, mouth agape. She looked torn and uncertain.
"Window of opportunity," I said, lifting a brow at her. "Don't wait for it to close."
"You're such a know it all," Kara snapped but she was already opening the car door and stepping out. She leaned down and glared at me. "If she rejects me, I'm kicking your ass." And then she was gone with a slam of the door, sprinting towards Mimi's front door.
I watched her depart, not in the least threatened by her. Kara really was amusing but my thoughts of the two girls I had somehow managed to befriend the first day of middle school drifted away from my thoughts as I drove closer to Kai's apartment.
I had told Kara to take a chance like I had and that there's a possibility that our 'chances' would end up in heartbreak, but with all my heart, I prayed that mine won't end up that way.
***
"I don't wanna to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe and I don't wanna miss a thang. 'Cus even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you babe.-" Aerosmith
Fools Like Us (Fools Like Us #1) Page 6