***
By 7pm, I was too tired too cook. I should have ruled that out while cleaning the fridge anyway. I called for Chinese. It was a delivery kind of night.
By 8pm, I had folded all the laundry, packed all but a few outfits for the suitcase, and finally settled in to eat the food the delivery driver left. There was nothing on television. I wasn’t going to miss that box once the movers arrived. I felt completely strange in my own skin. I didn’t feel like me. I was unsettled. I was irritable. I was completely losing it. This was going to make for a long night.
Finally, I gave in and placed a call. It rang twice before she answered. I knew what to expect.
“What’s up, babe?” Jolie asked lazily.
“I’m bored. Let’s meet for a drink,” I suggested.
“Where do you want to go?” She questioned, her interest piqued.
“Someplace close and quiet. What about that Irish pub down the road?” I asked seriously.
“Yup. Meet you there in twenty minutes.” Jolie happily agreed.
After I ended the call, I puttered around the house, struggling to find something to do to kill time. I toyed with the idea of touching up my makeup, but really…I had no interest in anyone but BE. I didn’t care about being attractive…I had no interest in attracting anyone. Really, I mostly wanted to be left alone. I shouldn’t even be meeting Jolie. I just wanted a distraction so badly.
Sighing, I headed into the bathroom to get ready. Without thinking, I threw my hair up into a messy bun. Studying my face for a moment, I decided to go light and natural with the makeup despite the darkened bar. I was sun kissed. It if hadn’t been for the look in my eyes, I’d have been really happy with my appearance. I was the picture of health. And the long flowing white sundress completed that image. With a sigh, I slid my feet into a pair of sandals.
For a moment, I considered my jewelry, but I knew in my heart I wasn’t going to change it. I had been wearing the jewelry BE gave to me…the blue diamond ring and band, the bracelet and necklace. There were so few tangible ways for me to feel connected that I wasn’t about to take them off. When I looked at my ring finger, it always made me smile.
Locking the door behind me, I headed to my vehicle parked in the driveway. Sure, I had a garage, but I never parked in it. It was just as well, since I would soon be filling it with boxes in anticipation of the move. Sliding behind the wheel, I started the SUV and headed to pub we had agreed to meet at. I was late. Jolie was used to that. There was some comfort in knowing that she would have staked out a table by the time I arrived.
Sure enough, after I parked and exited the vehicle, I found her in one of the little booths just inside the doorway. She lifted one hand absent mindedly as she waved my direction. She was on the phone, talking animatedly. When I sat across from her, she rushed to get off the phone. “Yeah, talk to you soon. Bye!” Turning her attention to me, she said, “What up, bitch?”
“Not much,” I said. “I’m just…out of sorts.”
A server stopped by the table then. The guy was cute, I guess. From his actions, I was certain he was used to women falling all over him. Poor guy. He wasn’t going to be able to flirt his way to a fat tip tonight. I was impervious to the charms of other men and Jolie…lesbian.
“What can I get for you?” He asked, flashing a huge smile that exposed perfectly white straight teeth.
“Just a Coke for me,” I said. Then I turned my attention once more to Jolie.
She rolled her eyes so hard, her entire head bobbed. “Please. And we need some Irish Nachos…extra sour cream.” She studied the appetizers a moment more before shrugging and conceding. “And that should do it…but I reserve the right to order a brownie sundae later.” She nodded and smirked.
My eyebrows rose. “A brownie sundae? Since when?”
“Since you are in mourning,” she announced.
“I’m not in mourning! What do I have to be upset about? We just returned from an amazing cruise. I had some of the hottest sex of my life. And I’ll be seeing him again in a week!” I crossed my arms over my chest. “We’re starting a new adventure. Life is good.”
“Yes, life is good, but you don’t really believe that. This is why you are so out of sorts. You are having doubts. I can see it.” She frowned at me.
“How would you know?” I sniffed. “I never have doubts. I am the picture of confidence.” I leaned back in the booth in an attempt to project a picture of calm and cool.
She laughed at me then, a big hollow sound, the mocking one. “I’ve known you forever. The last ten years it has been the two of us and your flavor of the month. This guy, BE, he’s not a flavor of the month. BE is the spice of life. You know it, and I know it. I know how unsettling this is for you. Just know that he won’t let you down. He’s not going to stand you up. You can focus on doing what needs to be done and soon, you will be together again.”
“We’ll see,” I said with a shrug, trying to brush it off like it didn’t matter. Oh, but the girl in me wanted to beg Jolie for more…more reassurance, more pretty words that would soothe my tortured soul.
Thankfully, the server returned with my drink and our food. Irish nachos are really just glorified potato skins. I stared at them for a moment, heaped with sour cream, topped with green onions, loaded with bacon, melted cheese and a tub of salsa for dipping. Jolie dug right in. I loved that about her, the way she was just so open and honest and real.
“Eat,” she ordered, a hand covering her full mouth. She swallowed. “Damn these are good. Eat! It’s comfort food. I ordered this with a purpose.” She pushed the plate towards me.
With yet another sigh, I slowly reached out and transferred a few potato skins to my plate. Opening my napkin and releasing my silverware, I slowly cut up tiny bites and began to eat. Chewing pained me. Food lacked taste. And more than anything, I was pissed with myself for behaving this way and not being able to snap out of it. Gah.
“Good girl,” Jolie said as she reached across the table and patted my hand a few times. She was smirking at me. “Depressed is a lousy look for you. Snap out of it. Pull yourself together. You don’t want him to take one look at that sad face and run the other direction, right?”
Slowly, a smile spread across my face. It was the thought of seeing him again. Stupid heart. Stupid feelings. Stupid me for letting a man I don’t know get under my skin. “Okay,” I said. I took a deep breath then exhaled slowly. “I’ve got this. It’s a week. Less.”
“That’s my girl,” she said. The tension seemed to dissipate after that. I felt better. I really did. We talked business…all the cool new opportunities for us in Vegas. We talked about the move. We managed to carefully avoid talking about BE.
“Let’s just check into the Venetian while we house hunt. Are you house hunting or are you getting an apartment again?” I asked.
“I’d like to get a house here. What about you? You should probably rent until you and BE figure things out,” she said casually.
There it was. My stomach knotted. “I hate this. I don’t like having my life up in the air. Right now…it is,” I groaned.
Studying me for a moment, she folded her hands in front of her. Then turning her head, she motioned for our server. He must have been nearby because he was beside the table in a heartbeat.
“What can I get you?” He asked with that same smile.
“We’re going to need a brownie sundae. Two spoons. Thanks,” she said.
He scampered off to get the sundae and I gave her a feeble smile. “Wow. I must be in worse shape than I thought,” I said.
***
When I returned home that night, I walked into the bedroom and left a trail of clothes on the way to the tub. I had splurged some when I updated this house. It had great bones. I loved just about everything about the old place, but I needed to bring it out of the fifties, make it more sellable. So, I gutted the kitchen when there were too many rainy days one spring. I couldn’t get out and take pictures as I had hoped. I didn’t feel like getting wet. I
hated umbrellas. That’s why I stayed in…and tugged at a loose piece of wallpaper. I just wanted to know what was under it. Three layers later, I discovered that the sheetrock hadn’t even been primed. The end result was that tore everything out down to the studs, ran a new water line for the fridge, moved gas lines for the stove, installed new plumbing for the dishwasher, and designed my dream kitchen. I had always wanted a farmhouse sink, and now I had one. I had always said I’d try Silestone instead of going with the same boring granite every other home had. Oil rubbed bronze was my finish of choice. Because I needed everything to match…the project just grew from there, until I had matching tile in the bathroom and a nice deep Jacuzzi bath to go with my multi-head shower.
Finally the home felt like my own. I had increased the value immensely while making it more livable. Like I said, real estate was not a risk for me. It made sense. My choices felt right. My decisions came naturally…until now.
That’s why I drew a bath. I soaked as long as I dared while listening to music that poured in from the bedroom. At last, I thought I might be relaxed enough to sleep. So, I did. I went to bed. The exhaustion had taken a toll. I fell hard and fast, just like I had for BE.
Soon, I found myself in this nightmare. I don’t know how it started. I don’t remember all of it. What I do remember is that BE never showed. I waited for him. I waited and refused to leave. I was completely pathetic. The gondolas closed. The hotel told me that I couldn’t sleep there that I had to have a room. I did have a room, but I was afraid of missing him. What if he showed up and I wasn’t there? There was no way for him to find me. None. We had no phone numbers. We had no emails. We couldn’t be in touch. This…loving him…was the scariest thing I had ever done.
When I woke with a start, I felt it. My heart hurt. There was this overwhelming sadness that had taken hold. It was too much. My eyes were watering. Okay…fine. They were tears. Happy? I was crying. What the hell was I crying over? It was stupid. I was stupid. Never would I let a man make me feel this way, all scared and weak.
Grabbing for my phone, I sent Jolie a quick text.
Me: I’m done with this. I’ll go to Vegas when I feel like it. If I bump into him, cool. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Talk to you in the morning.
Then I slammed my phone down on the nightstand. I threw my legs over the side of the bed. It was 4am. It was so ridiculously early…or late, depending upon the time zone. My bathrobe was lying at the foot of the bed, right where I left it after the bath. Slipping into it, I headed out to the kitchen. I didn’t know what I wanted, really, but this seemed like the kind of moment in the movies where the sad, lonely pathetic chick would get all introspective over a cup of tea. I could get into that.
The water was just starting to boil when my phone rang. I rushed to the bedroom because…well, how often does a phone ring jut after 4am? It could be an emergency. It could be a prank call. Or, according to the picture that glowed on my screen, it could be Jolie calling to cheer me up. That warmed me instantly.
“Hey, girl,” I said, all out of breath from my sprint for the phone. You may recall, I am not a runner.
“Hey, sexy,” he breathed into the phone.
It took me a minute to process just whom I was speaking to. Then the tears started. Actually, it was more of a waterfall effect. Then came the snot. “Oh my god! It’s YOU! And you’re on Jolie’s phone!” I started sniffling while I wiped away the tears and tried my best to hold myself together.
“Yes, babe. It’s me. Jolie called me. It’s a three way. You know. Again,” he joked.
I giggled.
“Are you crying?” He asked concerned.
“No,” I lied. “Must be a cold.”
“Good, I don’t want you crying, especially when I can’t be there to comfort you.” He spoke soothingly into the phone and it reminded me of all those nights snuggled in his arms, talking, and making love. “What’s going on? One day apart and you’ve already decided not to meet me?” He asked.
My chest constricted. It hurt so much. My voice caught in my throat. “I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never done this before,” I whispered hoarsely.
“What? You’ve never made plans a week in advance? You’ve never moved?” He asked questions he already knew the answers to just to make me think.
“I’ve never been in love,” I admitted. “I’m scared of losing me to be with you.” I was silent after that admission. It took a lot for me to share that.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better…I don’t make a habit of falling in love. I tried it once. It didn’t go the way I expected. I’ve been a little gun shy ever since. For you, I’d take a bullet. You are a once in a lifetime kind of love,” he said quietly. “Promise me, you’ll meet me.”
This conversation was what I needed. Jolie had found the perfect way to soothe my soul and settle my nerves. No wonder she was my BFF. “Hmmm. I suppose I could promise you,” I began playfully, “but what good are promises with you? Here we are, talking on the phone…”
“I’ll have you know I thought this through. I’ve broken no rules. You don’t have my name or my contact information. Jolie does. So there.” He chuckled at his own cleverness.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “And you think this information is safe with Jolie? You think I couldn’t get it from her if I wanted?” I asked.
His deep sexy voice responded, “Yes, that is precisely what I think. Jolie loves you. Jolie even seems to be rather fond of me and she thinks we make a phenomenal couple. So let’s stick to our rules for now. And when I see you on Saturday, you’ll discover what a big, bad rule breaker I am. Just wait for me until then. If one of us needs to, we have Jolie to reach out for us.” He was silent for a moment. So was I as I considered all he had said. “I love you, baby,” he said. “Saturday, I’ll be waiting for you.”
“Saturday,” I murmured. “I’m going to rock your world.”
“Babe,” he said seriously, “you already have.”
Over the course of the past year, I’ve been extremely blessed to become part of the indie community. What could have been a solitary journey without a map has become a crazy road trip with great friends. I know there’s no way I will remember to thank everyone, so please know that if I don’t mention you by name, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your love and support!
First, I need to thank my family. When you sit down to write a book, it’s easy to think it’s something you spend a couple hours per day on. In reality, it winds up taking over life for a long time. My husband and kids have put up with cold sandwiches for dinner, phone calls while driving to family functions so I could work out kinks in the book and hearing, “Mom has to…” more times than I can count.
JB, Nicole, Katie, Crystal and Debi… you’ve become some of my closest friends, biggest cheerleaders and, without a doubt, one of my biggest distractions at times. And I wouldn’t change any of it!
Debra, Dee, Nic, Megan, Nicole and all the other bloggers out there… without you, our community wouldn’t have the power we do. You have helped me get the word out about this project from the very start. I don’t even want to think about where I would be without you!
Heidi, thanks for being willing to read my “suck” whenever I sent chapters to you and for being honest enough to tell me when it really did suck! And, of course, for that one night you expanded my vocabulary…
Kimberly, thanks for listening to me whine when I got down about the whole process. And, of course, you were the one who thought of me when Kris asked if you knew of anyone looking for a cover model. There’s seriously no way I can thank you enough for that!
Julie, Debi, Mindy, Sarah, Erin, Leary and the rest of the super sexy beta team… thank you for telling me what needed to be different. And even more, thank you for encouraging me to go back through the entire book to kick it up a notch! This book wouldn’t be what it is without all of you!
And lastly, thank you to every single one of my readers. There are hundreds of autho
rs you could support; knowing you chose to buy and read my book is amazing to me!!
Sloan is a Midwestern mom who began writing nearly seven years ago as a way to make money while staying home with her daughter. Now, with two kids in tow and having written more articles on how to assemble various pieces of furniture than she can count, she is reaching to make her dreams come true.
Keep in touch with Sloan…
http://authorsloanjohnson.blogspot.com
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[email protected]
Unexpected Angel Page 22