by Vivien Sparx
Stefan’s confession tonight had stunned and shocked her. What he had done was to add fire to the smoke of her fantasizes. It was real. There was something undeniable between them. He had felt it too. And though it was just a spark, it was enough to give her hope.
Renee had no illusions that Stefan loved her back. He was too complex and too deep to give love freely. There were dark layers to him she was yet to discover, but that was okay, she told herself. He didn’t need to love her. Not yet. It was enough that he truly cared for her. All he had to do was to give them the time to have a chance. And all she could do was convince him that she was worth taking the chance with.
In less than a week, she had begun to fall for Stefan.
Now she was facing the thing she feared more than anything else.
The fear of finding love and losing it again…. and Renee didn’t know how to save what she was feeling except to hold on grimly to Stefan and refuse to let go, no matter what.
Day Six.
“The best submissives will remain determined
and patient, despite all setbacks.”
“There will be no training tonight, Renee. I’m sorry. I don’t think I can be of any further help to you. I have deposited your money back into your account. I wish you every happiness in the future.”
Stefan hung up the phone before the answering machine hummed in his ear.
It was over.
Now all he had to do was live with himself and his decision.
When the clock chimed 7pm he ignored it. He poured himself a drink instead. He sat and listened to the endless ticking.
At 8pm it began to rain. He could hear the persistent patter of light showers against the windows. He refilled his glass.
By 9pm he needed more scotch. He shrugged on his jacket and snatched his car keys off the bar counter.
When he opened the front door, he found Renee, wearing only a red bra and panties, kneeling on his doorstep in the rain.
She looked up at him, her bottom lip quivering bravely, her eyes enormous, her hair wet, her expression desolate, her slim pale body shivering in the cold.
“What the hell?” Stefan recoiled. “What are you doing?”
“I’m waiting for my master, master.”
“Didn’t you get my message?”
“Yes. I ignored it.”
Stefan’s mouth became a grim pale line. He shook his head. “You stupid, silly little fool!” He reached down for her, pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arm around her. She leaned against the warmth of him. “Get inside. You’ll be lucky if you don’t get pneumonia.”
Once indoors Stefan shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. While Renee stood, dripping water on his floor he fetched an armful of blankets.
“How long have you been there?”
“Since before 7pm.”
He shook his head again.
“Do you not understand English?” he snapped. “I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I left the message on your answering machine.”
“I understand English. But the voice I heard wasn’t the voice of my master. It sounded like the voice of a man who was scared. So I ignored it.”
“Scared?”
“Frightened, actually.”
“Frightened? You think I sounded frightened?”
“Yes.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Of…?”
“Me. Us.”
Stefan tossed a blanket over Renee’s shoulders and began to rub vigorously. “I’ll turn up the heating. Get that underwear off,” he said angrily.
Stefan went to the kitchen to adjust the central heating. When he returned to the living room, Renee was kneeling, naked in the middle of the room. Stefan balked in the doorway, unable to ignore the perfectness of her breasts, the slim toned lines of her legs or the scooped curve of her hips and waist. Renee’s head was bowed and he stole a long moment burning the image of her in his mind.
“Stand up and cover yourself,” he snapped as he finally strode back into the room. “I told you there will be no training tonight. No more training ever. You’re not my slave, Renee. You’re no longer even in training. Get to your feet, for God’s sake.”
She looked up at him from where she knelt and he saw she was about to cry again. Her eyes glistened, misty with tears about to fall. She stubbornly stayed kneeling.
“You have to train me,” she said.
“No. I don’t.”
A single tear spilled from her eye and ran down her cheek.
“But I need your help to learn.”
“You don’t have to learn!” Stefan barked. “Matterson was lying to you, Renee. He wasn’t coming back, no matter what you did. This…. this whole training experience to learn to be a submissive was for him… and now it’s irrelevant.”
“No,” she shook her head solemnly. “It’s not irrelevant. Now, it’s even more important that I learn. Now that I know James was lying to me, I have no one. No one! My only chance to find someone is to learn how to be a good submissive, or else I’m likely to lose the next man because I’m too inexperienced, or too boring in bed.”
Stefan shook his head in disbelief. “That’s crazy!”
“Not to me,” Renee sniffed. “Now, my training means everything to me… and you’re responsible. You’re the one who told me to disconnect my feelings. You’re the one who told me to immerse myself. Well I have, and I realize now how much I like feeling this way! I understand more about who I am now than I ever have before. I am a submissive. I am. And I’m determined to be good at it. It’s the only thing I have a chance to be good at. And you can’t take that away from me. You can’t!”
Stefan hauled Renee roughly to her feet, his grip digging into her forearms. He pulled her towards him until his face was just inches from hers.
“I can’t train you anymore!” he snapped. “I. Just. Can’t.”
She blinked up at him, her face frozen, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked like a lost little lamb.
“But you are my only hope,” she whispered. “Please. Don’t abandon me.”
He pushed her from him; reeled away.
“I told you last night why this can’t continue,” he said and there was pain in his voice. “I told you why.”
“You told me you were starting to care for me.”
“Yes! That’s why I sent you away, Renee. That’s why I ended this. Before it….”
“Before what?” she asked in a whisper. “Before you fall in love with me?”
He stared at her.
She looked up at him and held her breath.
He nodded. “Yes.”
She seemed to relax. The tension in her body seemed to dissolve, and now she stood, naked before him and tried to stop herself crying. “Why is that so wrong?”
“It’s wrong for me.”
“Are you not allowed to fall in love? Is this because of your code of honor? Is that what this is all about? Are you punishing me because you don’t allow yourself to fall in love?”
He shook his head.
“You don’t even know what love is, you silly girl,” he said derisively. “You read your romance books and you think life is filled with flowers and music and happy endings. Well it’s not. It’s not for most people. And it’s not for me.”
“Or me,” she reminded him. “And I don’t think life is a romance story,” she said with a touch of defiance. “But I do think love exists. And maybe one day I’ll find true love and it will be like the romance books, but until then, what we shared last night when you kissed me feels real enough for me to want more.”
“For you to want more?” Stefan repeated incredulously. “Well this is not about you!” he hissed. “This is about me. Last night I told you about Matterson to protect you from being hurt any more than you already were. And I ended our agreement to protect me from any more hurt.”
“You are afraid…” she said slowly.
“I’m not afraid,” he denied. “I’m practical. I’m
a realist, Renee. I live in the real world – not in one of your romance stories. Don’t romanticize me, and don’t romanticize what happened in this relationship. I made a mistake. I let my emotions show. Now I’ve ended it. The matter is finished.”
She shook her head with slow realization. “Who was it?” she asked warily.
“What are you talking about?”
“Who broke your heart? Who made you this way? Who made you want to shut yourself off like this?”
“Get out.”
Renee didn’t move. She was more scared than at any other time in her life. Stefan’s anger frightened her, but she fought against her fear and held her ground.
“I said get out!” he shouted. He strode to the door and flung it open. “Now!”
“I can’t,” Renee breathed.
“Then I’ll throw you out!”
She shook her head. Now she was crying, her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide and stricken. She brushed tears from her cheeks, standing small and defiant against the raging storm of Stefan’s anger.
“Why are you angry with me?” she asked, the depth of her hurt making her expression agonized.
“Because it’s easier!” Stefan snapped. “Because it’s simpler to drive you away and make you hate me than it is to uncover old wounds… and realize it’s me that I really hate!”
Stefan suddenly stopped.
Suddenly froze.
Suddenly realized.
He thrust his hands deep inside his trouser pockets and paced across the floor like a caged lion.
Renee waited in silence. Not daring to speak, not daring to breathe. She watched Stefan as he fought his own secret war. Finally the anger seemed to seep from him. He closed his eyes and braced his back against the far wall.
“I stopped loving on September the 19, exactly eight years ago,” Stefan said softly. “It was the day my wife died.”
“I didn’t know you were married…” Renee said softly.
Stefan shook his head ruefully. “We were young. We were just kids. We married when we were in our early twenties, but it was real alright. It was…” he searched for the right word, “beautiful.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Her name was Tif. Tiffany. We were married for six years before she died. And I thought I would never get over it,” he stared dully into space. “She died of cancer. She just wasted away. It came on so fast, and we were so unprepared. One day she was fine, and the next she was in hospital, with a death sentence. I lived by her bedside for two months.”
“I’m so sorry…”
Stefan bunched his fists in frustration. ‘The pain she endured was awful,” he said, his voice thick and unsteady. “And I watched on. Helplessly. Can you imagine what that’s like? I watched my wife die, and I could do nothing. Nothing at all except hold her in my arms, feeling the bones of her through her skin, staring into the dark hollow eyes that were once so full of life.”
He pushed himself away from the wall and wiped at his eyes. “She died two days after our sixth wedding anniversary. She died in my arms… and it broke me,” Stefan confessed. He stared at Renee, his eyes hard and haunted, his expression grief-stricken. “I swore I’d never care for anyone, or love anyone else ever again. I swore I wouldn’t be helpless ever again. I made up my mind there and then that I was going to be in control from that moment on. I was never going to let anyone in, and I was never going to let my feelings be exposed to that agonizing pain ever again.”
“Is that when you became a master?”
Stefan nodded. “But you just don’t become a master,” he said. “I learned over the years about domination and submission. I studied people, and how they behave. I became immersed,” he said wryly. “And I found out I was good at it. I was perfect for the role. I was cold, remote and detached. No one got in. Everyone was a body; a physical thing to be pleasured and to please. Until last night,” he said slowly.
“And that’s why you…”
“It’s why you have to go,” Stefan cut her off harshly. The brief glimpse Renee had through to his soul had been slammed shut again in an instant. She sensed the wave of his anger returning. “Now!”
“Please… don’t shut me out…”
“Now!” Stefan repeated.
Renee flinched. She took several quick sobbing breaths. Her heart was racing. Then slowly, uncertainly, she lowered herself back to her knees.
“Get up!” Stefan growled.
Renee ignored him.
“I said get up. Training is over. It’s finished.”
“No.” Renee said softly. “I’m your slave. You made me yours last night. It was in your kiss. I can’t go. I just can’t.”
“Damn you!” Stefan snarled. “Fine! You want training? You want a training session right now? Then that’s what you’re going to have. Get down to the punishment room. Be in Position One, waiting for me.”
Stefan stormed out of the room. Renee got to her feet. She was trembling uncontrollably. She scurried downstairs.
* * *
“Straighten your back!” Stefan snapped. He had the whip in his hand, and there was a harsh chill in his voice.
Renee adjusted her position slightly. She stared straight ahead as Stefan paced across her line of sight. There was a nerve ticking under her eye and she couldn’t stop it.
“Open your mouth wider.”
She did.
“Wider!”
She tried.
“Position Two.”
Quickly Renee lowered her head to the floor, resting her cheek on the ground. She could see Stefan’s feet as he paced around behind her.
She swallowed hard. The palms of her hands felt sweaty.
“Terrible!” Stefan snarled. “Get your backside higher.” He hit her across her bottom with the whip, harder than he had wanted to. The sound of the crack was like a gunshot in the room. Renee flinched and a rush of tears filled her eyes. The pain left a searing hot welt on her skin.
She sobbed.
He hit her again.
“Damn you!” Stefan snapped.
“I love you,” Renee said softly.
“No!” Stefan hissed. “Stop it.”
“I can’t. I won’t.”
He whipped her again. And then again.
“I love you,” she cried out through her tears.
“No. Don’t say that!” he shouted. “I can’t go through that again!” He hit her once more, a criss-cross of burning lashes against her skin.
“I love you!”
Stefan threw the whip aside and slumped against the wall. His breathing was ragged, his chest heaving. There was a mist of tears in his eyes. The room was a blur. He fell against the wall and crumbled to the ground.
Renee rolled onto her side, and lay still, curled into a ball.
For a long time both of them wept through the dreadful agonies of their own private pain.
Day Seven.
“There are many different kinds of masters, with different priorities. A good submissive must learn to adapt to the demands of her own master.”
The air was brittle with tension. Stefan tried to ignore it, but he could not deny it existed. It showed in the tightness his voice, the strained measure in his words, and in the remoteness of his attitude.
“Not every master is the same; there are no hard and fast rules to the dominant and submissive relationship,” Stefan explained.
Renee sat back on the sofa with her hands clasped in her lap and listened. She was wearing only a red bra and panties.
She had arrived, hoping there would be a training session in the punishment room. She was disappointed the evening appeared instead to be a lecture.
“In a perfect world the master would always remain detached and in control. In the perfect world the master would always see his slave as his property; as an object that he is responsible for. Slaves are owned, and as such they should be cared for,” Stefan said. “However…. The world is not a perfect one, and as such, occasionally Masters fail their slave
s by losing their temper in moments of passion or anguish… or by revealing emotions that are best kept hidden…”
Renee blinked. He was referring to the previous night. In a veiled way he was apologizing.
“These moments are regrettable,” Stefan added. “But they happen. The circumstances vary, of course, but they are a warning to both the master and the slave that certain boundaries can only be crossed at great peril.”
“Peril?” Renee asked softly. “What are the risks?”
“Apart from physical injury?”
“Yes.” Renee could still feel the caning welts on her bottom.
“The danger is that the master and slave relationship will transcend into something else. Into deeper feelings that make the maintaining of discipline impossible.”
“You’re saying there is a danger of the master and the slave falling in love,” she said. “And you’re saying that’s a bad thing because the master might not be able to look at his slave in the same way, and treat her as a slave because he loves her. Right?”
“Right.”
“And what happens in these situations?” Renee asked innocently. “What happens to relationships where the master becomes too emotionally involved with his slave?”
Stefan paused for a long time.
“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s something I’ve never experienced… and that’s what makes it so perilous.”
Renee gazed at him. She could see the torment in his expression. For the first time she sensed his uncertainty – and that gave her another small glimmer of hope. She wasn’t totally naïve. She could read between the lines. What had happened between them last night had dragged Stefan into uncertain waters.
Renee nodded slowly. “What are some of the differences between masters?”
Stefan shrugged. “There are many,” he said, and then his expression became serious. “Renee, a master sees his slave as his property – little different to his car, for example. And as we all know, some men take good care of their vehicles. Others are… less considerate. Some masters treat their slaves in the same manner. There are masters who are considerate and caring, and there are others that treat their slaves badly. There are other places in the world where submissives can learn how to be slaves… but there are no such training opportunities for those who would wish to be a master.”