by Susan Lewis
‘Good question,’ he answered, his eyes losing focus as he thought. ‘I didn’t realize how touch and go it was there for a while, until Michael told me, but she seems to be pulling through. At least physically she is, but I think they’ve still got some way to go on other fronts. Michael told me just before I left that she’s started getting bad dreams, you know, about the car going over, and losing the baby and Kris being dead. Apparently she’s not too keen on going out of the house either, at least not without Michael. Her parents are still there, but they’re leaving next week.’
‘What about Clodagh?’
‘She’s staying. She’s moving into the apartment attached to the house. I think the plan is, six months in England with her daughter and grandkids there, then six months in LA with Michael and Ellen – and my two godsons.’
Sandy turned to look at him.
He waggled his eyebrows and sipped his coffee.
‘Congratulations,’ she said. ‘I take it the other one is Robbie?’
He nodded. ‘Though I don’t think Michelle’s been consulted yet.’
‘Well, I can’t see her having a problem with it,’ Sandy remarked. ‘What did they call the baby, by the way?’
‘Connor. He’s a cute little thing. Doesn’t do much except cry and sleep, but he can produce a pretty mean fart when he’s up to it, much to Robbie’s delight.’
Sandy laughed. ‘I’m sorry to hear that Ellen’s having some problems,’ she sighed after a pause. ‘I suppose it was only to be expected though. I mean, it was a terrible thing to happen.’
He turned to look at her. ‘Michael tells me you saw it.’
She nodded. ‘Most of it.’ Her head went down. ‘It was horrible. I’ve never been so afraid in my life, so I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for her. Just thank God she came out of it alive. And the baby, of course.’ Putting her cup down, she hugged her knees to her chest and gazed out at the hills. ‘I was wondering,’ she said. ‘How did you feel when you found out the baby wasn’t yours? Were you upset? I mean, did you want it to be?’
He laughed drily, and sucked in his lips. ‘The truth is, a part of me did, yes,’ he answered. ‘But I’m glad for Michael and Ellen that it wasn’t.’ He sighed. ‘I kind of figured that if I’m ever going to have one, then it might be better if it weren’t with another man’s wife.’
Sandy smiled, and moved her thoughts away from the dangerous ground they were approaching.
‘So what’s next for you?’ he asked, reaching for more coffee.
‘Me?’ she said, surprised. ‘Well, I’m going back to London on Friday, where I imagine there’s a mountain of work waiting for me, and where I need to be to get all my new plans in motion.’
‘Oh?’ he said, intrigued.
‘Tell me,’ she said, turning to him and resting a cheek on her knees, ‘have you and Michael made any decisions about the movie yet?’
‘Sure,’ he nodded. ‘He’s going to carry on.’ He laughed as she made an exaggerated collapse of relief.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I know you don’t want it to be about money, but all the people who gave us so much …’
‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘And it’s me who should be apologizing. I should have been more understanding.’
She smiled, then lowered her eyes.
‘Of course, there are a few minor complications that have to be sorted,’ he said, ‘like licking Ted Forgon into shape, and dealing with the stack of lawsuits the company’s facing. But Michael’s optimistic he can get it back on line.’ He paused, and waited for her eyes to come back to his. ‘I know what you did with the shares,’ he said softly. ‘How you gave them to Ellen so she could vote with Michael, so you could help save the kids and maybe still salvage something of your career. So I’ve got to tell you, I’m real sorry about the way I got mad at you for not coming right out with the commitment I wanted. I guess I just wasn’t being rational.’
Sandy’s lips flattened as she looked away. ‘And I wasn’t being so honourable,’ she confessed. She looked at him again. ‘I don’t expect Ellen told you about the condition attached to those shares?’
He frowned and shook his head.
‘The deal was that she told Michael the baby was his. In other words …’ She stopped, and dropped her eyes again. ‘Well, you know what I’m saying,’ she said.
Putting a finger under her chin, he lifted her head up. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself,’ he said softly.
Feeling her heart turn over, she smiled and looked to one side. Then, wanting to get past her shame, she reached for her cup and held it out for more coffee.
‘So, did you find it helpful being here with Colin and Olivia?’ he asked after he’d poured.
‘Helpful?’ she laughed. ‘I’m only feeling like a completely different person, and one I could even get to quite like. Though how long I’m going to be able to keep up all these good feelings and generosity of spirit once I get back to the cut and thrust of London, God only knows. I can see myself ending up coming back here for monthly, if not weekly fixes. I wonder if they do phoneins?’
He was laughing. ‘Believe me, a little bit of Colin and Olivia goes a very long way, so you’ll probably do a lot better than you think.’
She didn’t look convinced, but grinned when he poked her. She rested a cheek on her knees again and looked into his eyes as she wondered whether to broach the subject his comment had brought to her mind, that of Salvador Molina and the revenge Tom had sworn he would take. It seemed that not even Colin and Olivia had been able to dissuade him from that, and with Molina now dead and so many mixed reports coming out of the killing, she was curious to know what really had happened, and how troubled, or not, he might be.
He was quiet for a long time after she finally asked him, a wry, though thoughtful expression on his face as he assimilated the truth of his answer. ‘You know,’ he said, after a while, ‘I keep thinking I should feel bad about what I did, but I just can’t say I do. I shot the man’s balls off, I stood there and watched him bleed and twitch, and scream in agony, and I didn’t feel a single moment of remorse. And if I had it all to do over again?’ He shrugged. ‘I’d do exactly the same. Next time, I might even kill him.’
‘I’m glad you left that to somebody else,’ she said quietly. ‘I could be wrong, but I don’t think you’d find that so easy to live with.’
‘Maybe not,’ he agreed.
She wanted to ask him about Rachel, and if Molina’s and Galeano’s deaths had changed anything in the way he was dealing with that now, but guessing it was probably still too early for him to know, she decided to leave it. ‘So what’s next for you?’ she said. ‘You’re carrying on with the movie.’
He shook his head. ‘Not me,’ he answered. ‘I’ve left Ellen with all my notes so she can rewrite the end, which works for her, since it means she can be at home with the boys, and Michael’s bringing in another exec. producer to cover.’
‘So what are you going to do?’ she said, forcing the words past the dread of his answer.
‘Me? I guess you could say I’m shipping on out.’
Though her heart twisted, her eyes managed to show nothing but interest. ‘To where, and to do what?’ she asked, teasingly.
He inhaled deeply. ‘Well, I’m booked on a flight to Karachi tomorrow night,’ he answered. ‘Michelle and Cavan are still in the Afghan refugee camps in the north of the country, so I’m going to catch up with them there. Then I thought I’d give war and turmoil a rest for a while, and visit some exotic lands and curious cultures. The Indonesian or South Sea islands, maybe. I don’t know, I guess I’ll firm up a decision once I’m over that way.’
Though Sandy was still smiling, she didn’t, for the moment, trust herself to speak – she was too afraid that her voice might falter on the terrible loss that was already building inside her. But this was no more than she had expected, was precisely what she had feared, so she must just make herself accept it and move on.
‘So what are these plans you’ve got for when you return to London?’ he asked.
‘Ah, those,’ she said, allowing her eyes to shine. ‘I’ll need to talk to Michael first, but I’ve got to tell you, no matter how wonderful and considerate and forgiving being here has made me feel inside, I’m still not anywhere near a place where I can stomach Ted Forgon.’
He laughed. ‘So?’ he prompted.
‘So, I’ve been thinking about it and I reckon Michael and I can go one of two ways. We can either bounce the old sod around a bit, keep voting him down and kicking out all his suggestions, which, I’ve got to tell you, I favour, because it’ll provide me with the ongoing pleasure of watching him froth at the mouth and run round in circles of rage and frustration: or we can work on a way of throwing him out of World Wide altogether. For that, we’ll almost certainly need the support of the movie’s investors, but I don’t see too much of a problem there. We’ll have to speak to the company lawyers, obviously, but I’ve got the makings of something devastating worked out, I just need them to make it legal.’
He gave a shout of laughter. ‘You’re not a woman to be messed with, Sandy Paull,’ he told her.
‘And don’t you forget it,’ she warned darkly.
Her eyes went down then, as the prospect of his impending departure, and a future that was already moving them in different directions, stole over her in a horrible, swamping wave. She leaned back against the rock so that he could no longer see her face and tried to tell herself that this wasn’t as bad as it felt, but the ache in her heart wouldn’t be moved.
In the end she was the first to break the silence, though it took several attempts to push the words past the pain, and make them strong enough to be heard. And even then the emotion was catching so hard on her heart, it was as though it was trying to pull the words back. ‘I know … I know you don’t love me,’ she finally managed, ‘but I hope we can always be friends.’
She waited, keeping her eyes fixed to the ground and hardly daring to breathe as the seconds ticked by. Then she felt him reaching for her hand, and turning her to face him he looked far into her eyes. ‘Me too,’ he whispered.
He continued his gaze, and as she returned it she felt an ocean of tears rise from her heart. Then she found herself laughing at how silly he looked in that hat, and the tears overflowed. Oh God, he really was such a very, very special man and this was so very much harder than she’d expected.
He smiled and waited for her to look at him again, then leaning forward he put his mouth gently over hers. Her lips trembled, then a sob suddenly escaped from all the emotion that was caught in her chest. But it was OK. Everything was all right. She accepted that he didn’t love her, she truly did – she just hoped that one day someone might.
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Published by Arrow Books 2009
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Copyright © Susan Lewis 1999
Susan Lewis has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work
This novel is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
First published in Great Britain in 1999 by
William Heinemann
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ISBN 9780099534341
Table of Contents
Cover
About the Author
Also by Susan Lewis
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Copyright