by Robert Orben
I’m fascinated by these planes that carry three hundred people and have only twelve washrooms. Now I know what they mean by a holding pattern.
There’s one problem with air travel. Over every airport in the United States today there are things that are stacked. These are called stewardesses.
But have you noticed how most stewardesses are a little deaf? They go up to a fella and say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” That’s why I think they’re a little deaf. They never hear his first request!
The airlines are having a terrible problem with seats—like finding enough people to fill theirs!
Airlines are so desperate for business, I called one of them and said, “What’s the fare to Los Angeles?” The clerk said, “$150.” I said, “That’s too much.” He said, “Let’s talk.”
It’s scary. I flew on one plane that was so empty, the pilot and co-pilot were holding hands. I think that was the reason.
It’s called the Terra Firma Airline. If its planes were firma, there’d be less terra!
I feel so sorry for airline pilots. I really do.
Do you realize when an airline pilot walks down the aisle to the washroom, he can never hurry?
AIR POLLUTION
Ashes to ashes; dust to dust;
If cigarettes don’t get you, the atmosphere must!
They say the air is free. Sure it’s free.
Look at it. Who’d want it?
Air pollution is really something. I never figured to see the day when indirect lighting is the sun.
It’s amazing what air pollution is doing. For instance, we have flowers in our garden that are purple, brown, and yellow. What makes it so amazing, they’re lilies!
Air pollution really upsets me. Somehow I never figured to see the day when artificial respiration would be better than the real thing.
Air pollution is so bad, I happen to know that leaves aren’t falling—they’re jumping.
I’ll say one thing for this town: It’s made me very polite. Today I tipped my hat three times. Once at a woman and twice to get the soot off.
Remember the good old days, when if you ate outdoors the black specks on your food were pepper?
We’ve got to do something about air pollution. I just saw the first robin of spring fall out of a tree.
The air in this city is unbelievable. Now I know why birds sleep on one foot. They’re using the other to hold their nose!
A new organization to improve the environment sent Howard Cosell a button. It’s for his lip.
A city agency said that air pollution is beginning to level off. That’s right—at about the fortieth floor!
We could be in a lot of trouble. As I understand it, the city’s going to deal with pollution as soon as it can see its way clear.
But air pollution has done wonders for raising kids. Yesterday I heard a mother say, “Junior, don’t stick your tongue out at your sister. You’ll get it dirty!”
AMBITION
I never asked for much out of life. I just wanted to be born into a family where soul food was beef Wellington.
Everybody is trying to get ahead of everybody else. It’s like the whole world has turned into a subway seat.
Thomas Edison said that genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I dunno. I hate to think of anyone that sweaty handling electricity.
They say that kids today don’t know what hard work means. They certainly do. That’s why so many of them are on welfare.
ANTIQUES
I go to one of those movie-rating antique shops. The proprietor looks G and what he does to you is X.
An antique is when you pay five hundred dollars for something the previous owner paid five dollars for—to cart away.
Antiques have become so popular, right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work, and are only kept around for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques—and the rest are called husbands.
The whole technique in going into an antique shop is, when you see something you want, pay no attention to it. Spend all your time looking at something else, then just casually ask the price of the first item—and you’ll really fool the proprietor. ’Cause up till then, he had been giving you credit for intelligence.
My wife is so crazy about antiques, I just realized what I’m married to—a junkie junkie!
My wife is kind of gullible. She has the only painting of the Lord’s Supper that has a Diners Club card on the table.
One time she spent three hundred dollars for a clock that belonged to the late King George III. I don’t want to say anything about this clock, but now I know why he was late.
APARTMENTS
Apartment builders have finally come up with something to make a long story short—seven-foot ceilings.
Last night my wife shook me awake and said, “There’s a robber in the house.” I said, “I know. The landlord lives downstairs.”
I’ll tell you how much heat my landlord sends up. I have a bottle of pills that says: KEEP IN A COOL PLACE. I use the radiator.
When I took the apartment he said he sends up heat religiously. And he does—once a week.
We live in one of those high-rise apartment buildings. Very high-rise. This building is so high, the elevators show movies.
If you call the first floor, it’s long distance.
We live in an apartment that’s so high up, they give you three utilities—gas, electricity, and oxygen.
We live on the forty-ninth floor and we also have an apartment on the second floor—in case we want to spend the night in town.
Can you imagine living on the forty-ninth floor? We don’t take out the garbage—we bring down the Commandments!
And it’s really a problem living on the forty-ninth floor. Yesterday I called up the superintendent and I said, “You gotta do something. We’re afraid to look down.” He said, “Because of the height?” I said, “No. Because of the roaches!”
The rental agent said, “It comes with electricity, heat, and running.” I said, “Running what?” He said, “I dunno. We’ve never been able to catch one!”
And it’s in a great neighborhood. When you leave the building, the doorman doesn’t say, “Good evening.” He says, “Good luck!”
ARMY
The Army saves you a fortune on newspapers. If there’s trouble anywhere in the world, they send you right over. You don’t have to read about it.
The Army thinks of everything. They gave me room and board, medical and dental care, a thirty-day vacation, travel, a $10,000 life insurance policy, and the chance to use it.
I went into the Army in 1945 when Selective Service wasn’t being too selective. In fact, I had the only draft notice made out to OCCUPANT!
One fella even went down to the draft board wearing lipstick. The doctor said, “Do you always wear lipstick?” The guy said, “Always!” The doctor said, “Good. We’ll send you to Alaska. You won’t get chapped lips!”
I know a guy who put on lipstick, high heels, and carried a purse down to the draft board. It couldn’t have worked out worse. The Army took him in and the doctor took him out!
In World War II we spent hours and hours doing all kinds of vital things in the defense of democracy—like policing the lawn. Remember policing the lawn? In those days we had lawns that were policed. Now we don’t even have neighborhoods!
As I remember it, we had four deadly enemies—Japan, Germany, Italy, and cigarette butts. Not necessarily in that order.
I used to have nightmares about that lawn. One time I dreamed the Germans flew over and it was awful. They made a direct hit on that lawn. Not with bombs—candy wrappers!
When I went into the Army, we had 12 million men in uniform. It was terrible. It was so crowded, we were sleeping three to a bed. What made it so terrible, we were starting to enjoy it.
I once knew a general who claimed he lived like an ordinary enlisted man—but it’s the first time I ever saw a pup tent with
a wine cellar.
We used to have a saying when I was in the Army. If you have a difficult intellectual problem, always ask a sergeant. He’ll know a private in his company who can solve it.
If I ever went back into the service, I’d like to fly one of those supersonic jets. It’s not that I’m so crazy about flying. I’m just partial to anything that lets you retreat at 1,400 miles an hour!
Now everything is the New Army. The New Army is so permissive, sergeants no longer say, “Eyes right!” They say, “You’s right!”
They’re trying to run the Army like a business and it won’t work. What if war is declared and two million G.I.s call in sick?
Experts say an all-volunteer Army will never work.
Oh, no? What about the Salvation?
ARMY CLOTHING
But I have to be fair. You know what I liked about the Army? They gave you your own clothes. When I was in the Army they had 12 million men and three sizes.
That’s right. Three sizes: too big, too small, and out of stock.
But the Army really takes care of you. You can tell by the clothes you get. I think the whole idea of army clothes is to make the enemy overconfident!… I had a coat that was so long, it came with shoelaces!…
In those days, everything they gave you was olive-drab. Your shirt was olive-drab. Your pants were olive-drab. One day I fainted on the lawn and it took them three days to find me.
But I have to admit one thing. The shoes they gave us were absolutely waterproof. If it rained, not a drop leaked out!
The old Army did strange things. Every time they gave you a pair of shoes you had to smear something on them to make them waterproof. I heard “waterproof” and right away I got worried. I didn’t know if I was sailing to Europe or walking!
I had one big problem in the Army. I could never stand the winter uniform. Particularly the pants. I know wool itches but this was like Brillo with cuffs.
ARMY FOOD
I know this sounds strange, but I used to love army food—especially the coffee. I used to drink three cups of this coffee, go down to the local burlesque show, and yell, “Put it on! Put it on!”
Army coffee is always having to say you’re sorry.
The Army had a knack for putting the right man in the right job. They drafted a brain surgeon whose hand was so steady he could cut to one millionth of an inch—and the Army really used him. On Sunday, he was the one who cut the roast beef.
We used to have quaint expressions for army food like S.O.S.—Save Our Stomachs. Don’t get ahead of me like that.
I spent three weeks in a hospital because of army food. Suffered from a very rare disease—terminal lamb chops!
We had the only outfit where if the sergeant found a bottle on you—it was bicarbonate!
You have no idea what the food was like in the Army. For punishment they gave you seconds!
You had a little hint that the food wouldn’t be too good from the basic army place setting—knife, fork, spoon, and cardboard container.
ASTROLOGY
“Dear Mr. [YOUR NAME]. I would like to cast your horoscope. Could you tell me what sign you were born under?” “Yes, I was born under the NO PARKING sign. Dad said he knew the way to the hospital and Mother believed him.”
I can remember when if a woman wanted to have a baby, the first person she talked to was her husband. Now it’s her astrologer.
My wife won’t make a move until she checks with her horoscope. Like last night the lights were low, soft music was playing, we each had a glass of champagne. I gave her a nudge and she said, “No.” I said, “What do you mean, no?” She said, “Venus is not in the ascendancy.” I said, “It doesn’t have to be. I am!”
My wife really believes these horoscopes. This morning she’s reading one of them in bed—suddenly she gives me a terrific rap in the head. I said, “What are you doing?” She said, “That’s for next week!”
Personally, I don’t believe in astrology. I’ve only known one person whose life was influenced by the stars—and he was an agent.
ASTRONAUTS
If I were an astronaut, I’d be one of the backup pilots. The minute they tried to put me in a spaceship, would I back up!
I’m so chicken, you ain’t never gonna see me on the moon until I can get there in something civilized—like an elevator!
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed our gardener planted a flag on the moon—and it died.
Isn’t it amazing? We go all the way to the moon to pick up rocks—and here on Earth we don’t even pick up beer bottles!
AUTUMN
Autumn is when Mother Nature goes through a change of leaf.
Autumn is when leaves slowly turn from green to brown to gold to litter.
My neighbor loves each autumn;
For him it works out fine.
My apples fall in his yard;
His leaves fall into mine!
I don’t care how beautiful they are, I still say the only man who ever enjoyed falling leaves was Adam.
Do you realize that if Sir Isaac Newton hadn’t opened his big mouth, leaves might be falling up?
Isn’t it fantastic how the weather has changed? It’s the first time I ever saw lawn mowers with snow tires.
I always get a little sad on the last day the beaches are open before they close for the winter. I suddenly realize my eyes are on their last legs.
Autumn is when every man in America gets dressed up and has that certain air about him—mothballs.
My wife puts mothballs in everything. I mean, I can understand mothballs for sweaters, mothballs for jackets, mothballs for suits—but in jockey shorts?… I put on a pair this morning and by the time I reached the living room I’d invented three new dance steps.
October is when you open your storage closet and find you have a religious wardrobe—Holey! Holey! Holey!
I’m getting a little worried about my winter clothes. Yesterday a moth flew out of our closet, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “You should be so kind, which way is Weight Watchers?”
BABIES
We buy everything on time. We haven’t even paid for the baby yet. As of last Tuesday we owned two legs and a navel!
It now costs $750 to deliver a baby. This may not seem like much to you but it could ruin a salmon!
I’m really shook up. Last week we had sixty-two dollars’ worth of food go bad. The baby-sitter had lockjaw.
BACHELORS
It isn’t easy being a single fella these days. I’ve got a mother who wants me to eat and a doctor who wants me to diet.
I try to ration myself. I only think about girls on days that begin with the letter T. Today, Tomorrow, Thursday, Thighday, Thaturday, and Thunday.
If you’re forty-two and you’re going out with an eighteen-year-old girl, you ask yourself some interesting questions. Like: “What wine goes with peanut butter?”
It’s unnerving going out with beautiful but dumb girls. I took one to a concert by Yehudi Menuhin and she leaned over and whispered, “What’s he playing?” I said, “The Beethoven Concerto in D Major, Opus 61.” She just stared at me. I said, “A violin.”
BALDNESS
I agree with that shampoo commercial on television. Split hair is a real problem, [SMOOTH BACK YOUR HEAD.]
Mine split about ten years ago.
I don’t know why people call me bald. Just because everybody else has a narrow part!
You don’t seem to understand. I am not bald. I just happen to have a Life Saver haircut. There’s a hole in the middle.
BANK ROBBERS
I happen to be a very good character analyst. Just yesterday I was standing in a bank and a fella came in with a stocking over his head. Well, just like that I knew he was one of two things—a crook or a very sloppy dresser.
Bank robbers are so relaxed these days. One fella walked into a bank wearing a mask—ran right into a cop. The crook pointed at his mask and said, “Good morning, Officer. I’m on my way to a masquerade ball.” N
o answer. “I’m studying to be a surgeon?” The cop kept looking at the mask. The crook said, “Would you believe the world’s worst case of acne?”
Yesterday a crook held up a bank and told the teller to put $10,000 into a brown paper bag. Well, we can put a stop to that. All we have to do is register brown paper bags.
Have you ever noticed how a bank robber who steals $5,000 gets ten years in jail—and a bank owner who milks it of $5,000,000 gets a suspended sentence? That must be some of that stainless steal you keep hearing about.
BANKRUPTCY
The saddest story I ever heard was about a businessman who was on the brink of bankruptcy. Seeking solace, he turned to his copy of the Good Book, opened it at random, and the first thing he saw was Chapter Eleven.
The nice part about selling to a firm that goes bankrupt is, you get the business before, during, and after.
My former business had nothing to do with football but it did wind up in the hands of a receiver.
BANKS
Banks have a very interesting philosophy. You give them your money to keep—and if you try to borrow it back, they want to know if you’re good for it!
My bank is getting a little sneaky. They gave ballpoint pens to all their depositors. Now they’re printing the withdrawal slips on wax paper!
What this country really needs is a bank where you can deposit a toaster and they give you $5,000!
I go to the bank a lot. Last week I got $5,000 as a home improvement loan. I’m sending the kids to college.
I never knew why banks called them “personal loans” until I took one out. I missed three payments and did they get personal!