2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing

by Robert Orben

  I always have a lot of trouble singing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The only time I can reach those high notes is when I back into a doorknob.

  NEIGHBORHOODS

  I live in a very tough neighborhood. Very tough. Yesterday a guy held me up with a bitten-off shotgun!

  This neighborhood is so tough it’s incredible. Everybody in the building next door is paying for protection. What makes it so incredible, it’s a police station!

  We live in a very quiet neighborhood. Nothing but little old ladies sitting around knitting—guns!

  The funny part of it is, I have an eighty-year-old grandmother and she feels perfectly safe thanks to three things—a positive attitude, an optimistic outlook, and a bulletproof shawl.

  I’ll tell you what kind of a neighborhood I live in. The Christian Science Reading Room has a bouncer.

  NEWSPAPERS

  Did you hear about the world’s worst newspaper? It’s called the House of Ill Report!

  A little boy is someone who shows up once a week to collect for the daily paper he has delivered once a week.

  Is this man a reporter? If he had been at the Last Supper, his biggest quote would have been: “Please pass the mustard!”

  Did you see that headline this morning—MAN HIT BY TRAIN CRITICAL? Well, you can hardly blame him.

  The nice part about reading a Sunday Times from beginning to end is—there’s only three hours left till the next one.

  NEW YEAR

  A TOAST: May 1980 be the prosperous 1979 that 1978 was supposed to be in 1977.

  My wish for 1980 is that the army of the unemployed be the U. S. Army.

  Spend New Year’s Eve with your loved ones. The family that blasts together lasts together.

  New Year’s Eve is when millions of people celebrate Goliath style. They go out and get stoned!

  I know a fella who always goes to a burlesque show on New Year’s Eve and he says it’s fascinating. The old year doesn’t pass out—it’s bumped off!

  New Year’s Eve is when a fool and his money are soon potted!

  Everybody was drinking bridge table whiskey. Three drinks and your legs fold up under you!

  I’m one of those sloppy drunks. I tried to drink champagne from her shoe. It was awful. It was a sandal!

  I can remember when every New Year’s Eve I used to ring out the old! Ring in the new! Ding, dong! Ding, dong! Now I just tinkle a little and go home!

  Maybe I’m just sentimental, but there’s something about going out to a nightclub on New Year’s Eve that brings tears to my eyes. The price!

  One club is charging seventy-five dollars a couple and the wine flows like water—in Lake Erie!

  New Year’s Eve always seems to follow a pattern. Across the country, a hundred million people are watching their clocks—and fifty thousand nightclub owners are watching their bartenders!

  One club owner calls his cash register The Punchbowl—’cause everybody keeps dipping into it!

  And now a song dedicated to all those people who polish off two bottles of liquor at a New Year’s Eve party: “You’ll Never Walk Alone”!

  One balloon came floating down and hit a drunk. He said, “What’s that?” I said, “It’s a balloon. You know what a balloon is. It’s big and round and filled with hot air.” He said, “That’s a balloon? You know something? I just voted for one!”

  Did you hear about the nudist colony that celebrated New Year’s Eve at three o’clock in the morning? No one was watching the clock!

  On New Year’s Day, the number of people who take Alka-Seltzer is gastronomical.

  New Year’s Day is when government workers turn over a new loaf.

  NEW YORK CITY

  There’s an old New York proverb that goes: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with trying to find a parking space near the theater.”

  Remember that wonderful old George M. Cohan song “Forty-five Minutes from Broadway”? Today, New York traffic is so bad, you know what’s forty-five minutes from Broadway? Fifth Avenue!

  You can’t believe the traffic. This morning I sat in a cab for twenty-five minutes and the only thing that moved was the meter.

  I just heard the saddest story. It’s about a New York City strong man who’s getting on in years but he still wants to be able to tear the telephone book in half. So he moved to Nanticoke, Pennsylvania.

  I’m glad they’re finally getting rid of prostitution, live sex shows, and pornographic movies in New York. I mean, what kind of an atmosphere is that for a mugger to have to work in?

  I happen to know that Central Park is absolutely safe at 8 A.M., 4 P.M., and midnight. That’s when the muggers change shifts.

  They say Central Park is no longer dangerous but where else can you buy a balloon for your kid and it’s filled with Mace?

  Anyone who walks through Central Park at night has a lot going for him.

  It’s so sad to watch the tourists in New York. I just saw one of them standing over a sewer, trying to get a breath of fresh air.

  It’s hard to describe how a tourist in New York feels, but the last scene in King Kong comes close.

  NOSTALGIA

  The big thing in America today is nostalgia. Like I’ve got a fifteen-year-old kid who gets nostalgic. About what? Last Tuesday?

  My teenager read that Lindbergh flew across the Atlantic and he really was impressed—until he found out it was in a plane.

  I get nostalgic myself. I was telling my neighbor, “Every time I think about my rich uncle leaving me a million dollars in 1955, the tears roll down my face.” He said, “I didn’t know your uncle left you a million dollars in 1955.” I said, “He didn’t. That’s why the tears roll down my face.”

  I’ll never forget the first girl I ever danced with. I said, “You’ll have to forgive me but I only know two steps—the fox-trot and the tango.” She said, “No kidding. Which is this?”

  In those days, the only time a kid had his arms around a girl was while they were dancing. Today, the only time he doesn’t—is while they’re dancing.

  I showed my teenage son a picture of the Benny Goodman band and said, “They were the smash hit of the forties.” He looked at the picture and couldn’t believe it. He said, “With only one guitar?”

  Remember when girls swooned over Frank Sinatra and Perry Como? Do you know those very same girls are still falling down? Every time they take off their support stockings!

  If you want to feel old, watch a 1953 movie with your kids. What’s nostalgia to them was prurient interest to you.

  A class reunion is where you pay fifteen dollars to be reminded of the time you wet your pants.

  Remember when we went to school, the first thing you got each year was a new lunch box? It was a little tin box with a vacuum bottle and a two weeks’ supply of brown bananas!

  Remember that? You put a nice, ripe, yellow banana in one of these lunch boxes and three hours later you didn’t eat it—you drank it!

  But the vacuum bottle was different. That kept everything cold—especially soup!

  NUDITY

  Be honest now. Don’t you feel a little silly when you dress up for the theater and the actors don’t?

  Do you realize that King Kong was forty years ahead of his time? He was the first big star to do nude scenes!

  There’s so much nudity! Yesterday I went to a movie and I heard more pants than I saw!

  You can always tell who the good guys are in X-rated movies. They’re the ones wearing the white socks.

  They’re even making nude murder mysteries. The butler did it and so did the gardener, the handyman, and the cook!

  I have another nomination for the best actor. The star of an X-rated movie doing the forty-third retake!

  I saw one movie. I don’t know how to describe it, but picture inviting newlyweds to a come-as-you-are party.

  OFFICE

  Too many men today are work addicts. I was telling my secretary about a fella whose wife divorced him because he kept bringing work home wi
th him. She said, “He was a work addict?” I said, “No. A mortician.”

  I didn’t say he was thrifty. I just said that every time there’s an office collection, he’s the first to cheap in.

  Have you noticed how every time a baby is born, right away somebody takes up an office collection? I’ve given so much money to other people’s babies, I could have had two more of my own!

  Somebody is always complaining in our office. Yesterday the receptionist came up to me and said, “I want to get something off my chest.” I said, “What’s that?” She said, “The sales manager.”

  Safes are out. The newest thinking is that you should keep your money in a conspicuous place where hundreds of eyes will always be on it. We use the office clock.

  In biblical times, five thousand people were fed with two fish and five loaves of bread—and it was called a miracle. Today it’s called the company cafeteria.

  It’s like I said to the head of the company cafeteria, “Ma’am, I just had your strawberry shortcake and I think I know what it’s short of—strawberries!”

  The company cafeteria had an interesting-looking side dish today. I asked the girl behind the counter what it was. She said, “It’s bean salad.” I said, “I know. But what is it now?”

  Have you noticed that no matter where you put the suggestion box-one of the first suggestions is where you can put the suggestion box?

  The girls in my office don’t really respect me. Yesterday I walked in and one of them said, “Cool it. Here comes the P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T.”

  We just bought a new conference table. It’s eight feet wide, thirty feet long, and sleeps twenty!

  In our office, we have a little wagon that comes around during the morning break and serves coffee, milk, malteds, danish, pound cake, cheese cake, and buttered bagels. It’s known as the pause that refleshes.

  We have a very religious office boy. He has a sign saying “GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.” Unfortunately, it’s over the petty cash box.

  OIL SPILLS

  You have to give the oil companies credit for trying. One of their spokesmen said, “Of course we spilled 600,000 gallons of oil in the Pacific. It’s a public service. Who wants a squeaky ocean?”

  I just figured out why nobody walks on the water anymore. You could slip and break your neck!

  Cast your bread upon the waters and it will come back a hundredfold. Which is fine if you like oily bread.

  Pollution is affecting everything. Did you hear about the ninety-seven-pound weakling who took his girl friend to the beach—and a bully kicked oil in his face?

  We have one beach that’s so oily, you go down to the sea in slips.

  OPENINGS

  I’m grateful to be invited here to speak. I’m married and what I’m usually invited to do is listen.

  WHEN INTRODUCING A BIG SUBJECT: I feel like a mosquito in a nudist camp. I hardly know where to begin.

  Thank you for that wonderful introduction—even if it will add three more minutes to your next confession.

  Sex, tax cut, sure-fire diet, double martini, $50,000 in commissions.… Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d like to talk to you about [YOUR SUBJECT].

  If you have no objections, I’m going to read this speech. Unlike my competitors, I like to know where I’m going.

  Thank you for that wonderful round of applause. You don’t know how applause inspires me. I can take three bows on a waiter trying to get ketchup out of a bottle.

  Tonight we are gathered here together to consider one of the most pressing problems facing mankind today: What is Little Orphan Annie doing to lizards that they’re always leaping?

  I want to thank you for giving me that much applause before you’ve even heard me. It’s really an act of faith. Like being voted the best dresser in a nudist camp.

  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You’ll be happy to know that when I gave this speech to my secretary to be typed, I asked her to eliminate anything that was on the dull side. So in conclusion …

  OPTOMETRY

  This fella went into an optometrist’s office and said, “Doc, you gotta give me new glasses. I can’t tell heads from tails!” The optometrist said, “You’re a gambler?” He said, “Even worse. I’m a dentist!”

  The optometrist gave her an eye test and he said, “You have twenty-twenty vision.” She said, “That’s ridiculous.” He said, “You have twenty-twenty vision. I’ll show you the test.” She said, “I do not have twenty-twenty vision. I’ll show you my husband!”

  I had a terrible row with my optometrist today. I said, “What makes you so sure I need glasses? How do you know the world isn’t fuzzy?”

  You know you’re nearsighted when you either have glasses on the end of your nose—or newsprint.

  I can remember when I first got bifocals. It was the day after I sprayed my wife’s false eyelashes with Raid.

  In this time when girls dress naughty,

  Wouldn’t my vision be forty-forty!

  OVERPOPULATION

  Everything is relative. To Cain and Abel, overpopulation was four.

  The population explosion is when a teenager becomes pregnant and her parents blow up.

  I have only one thing to say about the population explosion. If sex isn’t a fad, we’re in trouble!

  You read about the effects of overpopulation and it’s enough to scare the pants onto anybody!

  If they really want to stop couples having too many kids, show an estimate from an orthodontist, a bill from the phone company, a bathroom that’s never empty! I have a daughter who spends so much time in the bathroom, if she’s gone for an hour, the mirror gets worried!

  In this day and age, any couple who has more than two kids is responding to a bioillogical urge.

  Scientists say we’re running out of space for people. I didn’t believe it until I came home and there was a guy in my wife’s closet.

  He must have been there for quite a while because the moths ate up all his clothes.

  Family planning is very important. Like if I could have planned my family, it would have been the Rockefellers.

  OVERWEIGHT

  Let’s be diplomatic about this. I am not fat.

  Let’s just say I suffer from overbite.

  Fat is nature’s way of explaining to you why your food bill is $200 a week.

  There are telltale little signs that warn you when you’re gaining weight. Like, your appendix scar is now fourteen inches wide.

  Have you ever seen those old paintings of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? Adam is always wearing a size 44 bush and Eve always looks like she was put out of the Garden of Eden and Weight Watchers too!

  This kid really must have known her way around with a knife and fork. I don’t know what the snake tempted her with but I think it was Rolaids!

  If your father weighs 250 pounds and your mother weighs 230 pounds and you weigh 210 pounds—you’re following in their fat-steps!

  It’s so discouraging. Just when I convinced my son he wasn’t short and fat—he got an offer to model for cello cases.

  People keep asking me, “How could you marry a girl with three chins?” I tell them the truth: “Who knew she had three chins? I met her at a ski resort!”

  My wife wants us to lose weight together but she’s never willing to do her share. We have the only Exercycle in town with a sidecar.

  My wife is a little on the clumsy side. I mean, who else do you know can ride an Exercycle and hit somebody?

  If your wife eats everything in sight—hide her glasses.

  My wife’s a little concerned about my weight. So am I. Yesterday we had to let out the tape measure.

  Our neighbor will never admit he’s fat. He keeps telling people he suffers from a very rare disease—an enlarged body!

  He doesn’t lose weight because he’s too efficient. Too efficient. He went on a two-week diet. Finished it in three days!

  Can he eat? Three schools of taxidermy are studying his technique.

  Fat? Fo
r Christmas I bought him a stretch couch!

  PARCEL POST

  The Post Office has asked me to announce that if you mail your out-of-town packages by December 1st, they’ll arrive in time for Christmas. Unfortunately, it didn’t say which one.

  Parcel post has eight delivery zones. It also has an erogenous zone. You ask them why it takes five weeks to deliver a package and do they get excited!

  Personally, I don’t mind paying fifteen cents to mail a letter. To show you what a sport I am, I’d even be willing to donate five bucks to the parcel post department—so they can buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “fragile.”

  Last December I got a Christmas package. Crushed? I thought Kate Smith had used it for a cushion!

  No, I’m only kidding. The parcel post people are doing their best. In fact, yesterday I handed one of them a compliment—and he dropped it.

  Do you ever get the feeling the Post Office has figured out a new way to get packages from one end of the country to the other? It’s called the dropkick.

  A parcel post window is a little like a bar. It’s where you go to get smashed.

  PARTIES

  I often wondered why men gather together at parties.

  Then I listened to the women.

  When it comes to conversational gambits, you have to be a little careful. For instance, “Do you come here often?” is fine at a dance. At Leavenworth, not so good!

  An office party is where you spend the first hour going for drinks; the next few hours going for secretaries; and the next few months going for unemployment insurance.

  I don’t want to brag but I used to be the life of the party. You’re looking at the only man who was ever operated on for an ingrown lampshade!