by Robert Orben
You’ve never seen such a mess. One time we brought in a vacuum cleaner and it threw up!
My wife keeps worrying about cockroaches. I said, “Cockroaches? You think a cockroach would go in there? Never in the history of the world has there been a kamikaze cockroach!”
One time I got so fed up, I gave him five dollars and said, “Here! Take this and I don’t ever want to see a mess like this again!” So he took the five dollars and I have never seen a mess like that again. He bought a lock for the door!
SPEAKERS
People who are called upon to make their first public speech—writhe to the occasion.
What a great slogan for a German public-speaking school: WE HAVE WAYS TO MAKE YOU TALK!
___________ isn’t the most dynamic speaker in the world. I heard one of his talks. It was halfway between tax reform and chloroform.
Most public speakers know the precise moment their audience loses interest. It’s twenty-five minutes before they stop.
If you’re a speaker, the communication gap is half your audience yawning.
I didn’t say he gives a deadly talk. I just said he’s the only man I know who has a black belt for speaking.
He couldn’t get a standing ovation if he closed with “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
The credibility gap is when the moderator says it will be a very short commencement speech—and then Howard Cosell gets up to give it.
Some speeches are like broiled lobster. You have to pick through an awful lot to find any meat.
SPEAKERS’ “AD LIBS”
I have a very sobering statement to make. The bar closes in fifteen minutes.
I wouldn’t mind being the first speaker tonight if it wasn’t for something the master of ceremonies told me during dinner. He said he likes to start off each program with a joke. Then he introduced me!
ACKNOWLEDGING A HUMOROUS INTRODUCTION: That’s what I call an acupuncture introduction. One needle after another.
ACKNOWLEDGING A HUMOROUS INTRODUCTION: Now I know why they call him a toastmaster. Toast—that’s a square with a lot of crust.
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION: That was a very touching introduction. So was being introduced to your finance chairman.
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION: I want to thank Mr. ___________ for that kind, generous, I might even say lavish, introduction. For a while there I wasn’t sure if I was ten feet tall or six feet under.
ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR INTRODUCTION: I want to thank you for that glowing introduction. I think some of the statements in it were overly generous—but as a golfer, I’m always grateful for a good lie.
AFTER A DEAD MICROPHONE IS REPAIRED: I’m glad you fixed that. For a while there I was beginning to feel like Marcel Marceau.
AFTER A LONG PAUSE: In public speaking there’s an old expression. He who hesitates has lost his place.
AFTER QUOTING STATISTICS: I realize those are rather startling statistics. I can see three people out there with their mouths open [MIME YAWNING AND COVERING YOUR MOUTH].
AFTER USING A VERY BIG WORD: I’m sorry but I’m crazy about using big words. There’s even a name for it—psychosemantic.
ANSWERING AN ANGRY REMARK: Sir, it really wouldn’t be fair for me to argue with you because you’ve lost your head—and your brains are in it.
ANSWERING CRITICISM: Wait a minute. I hear something. I think it’s the fermentation of sour grapes!
COMPLAINT: Sir, we are what we eat. I know that because I just saw you taking a pill.
DEBATE: Tonight we have one speaker for and one speaker against. It’s like stereo. You’ll be getting it from both sides.
FOLLOWING UP A SPEECH: I haven’t been so choked up since my dentist gave a talk entitled ADVENTURES IN DENTURES.
IF SOMEBODY LEAVES DURING YOUR SPEECH, CALL AFTER THEM: I might get better!… Something like that used to make me very insecure, but no more. [STICK YOUR THUMB IN YOUR MOUTH.]
IF THE MICROPHONE IS TOO LOW: Who were you expecting—Mickey Rooney?
IF THERE IS A DELAY IN YOUR SPEECH: As you can see, I don’t exactly stop the show, but I do slow it up.
IF YOU ARE IN AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION: I wouldn’t give this spot to a dermatologist.
IF YOU BECOME CONFUSED: I’m sorry. I lost my train of thought—and it wasn’t an express to begin with.
IF YOU FORGET SOMETHING: I have a photographic memory. It’s just that sometimes I forget to take off the lens cap!
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AT THE START: As you might have noticed, this is my fish market speech. For the first few minutes I flounder.
IF YOU LOSE YOUR PLACE: You’ll have to excuse me. I have so much editing, cross-outs, and changes in this, I call it my repaired text.
INTERMISSION: We will now have a fifteen-minute break. In the words of that wonderful old spiritual: LET MY PEOPLE GO!
INTERRUPTER: Sir, may I say to you those four words that have been made so popular by the phone company: “You’re out of order!”
INTERRUPTER: Sir, our time is flying and you’re trying to hijack it.
INVOLVED QUESTION: Sir, could you tell this story a little faster? I don’t quite know how to put this but your tale is dragging.
LARYNGITIS: Laryngitis can get you into a lot of trouble. All day long I’ve been talking in a whisper and I knew I had this speech tonight, so I called up [NAME OF MODERATOR] to tell him about it and his wife answered the phone. And that’s when I found out that laryngitis can get you into a lot of trouble. I said [WHISPERING], “Is [FIRST NAME OF MODERATOR] home?” She said [ALSO WHISPERING], “No. Come on over!”
NERVOUSNESS: As I stand here before this distinguished audience, I don’t know which is knocking more—opportunity or my knees.
NERVOUS PARTICIPANT: You’re so nervous. You look like Evel Knievel’s insurance man.
NOISY GROUP: You look at that table and you know what’s wrong with the world—ten speakers and no listeners.
NOISY GUEST: Sir, I’d like to give you a going-away present. But you’ve got to do your part.
REBUTTAL: You’ve got a point there—and if you put your hat on, nobody will notice it.
REBUTTAL: I couldn’t swallow that if it came with a chaser!
REBUTTAL: That’s a very meaty question and I’d like to give it a very meaty answer—baloney!
SMALL AUDIENCE: I haven’t seen anything this empty since I looked in the suggestion box at the Kremlin.
TO SOMEBODY INTERRUPTING: Sir, I wouldn’t mind your mini-brain if it wasn’t for your maxi-mouth!
WHEN A JOKE DIES: If silence is golden, that joke has got to be worth $42,000!
WHEN A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE GIVES A SPEECH INSTEAD OF ASKING A QUESTION: Sir, would you mind just phrasing your question? Our lease is up in January.
WHEN AUDIENCE REACTS TO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL: I second the emotion.
WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS A VERY PERTINENT QUESTION: Sir, I hope you’re married—because that is a very pregnant question.
WHEN SOMEBODY GOOFS YOUR INTRODUCTION: It could be worse. Last week a master of ceremonies introduced me by saying, “And now we bring you the latest dope from Hollywood!” [SUBSTITUTE YOUR CITY.]
WHEN SOMEONE ASKS A TRICK QUESTION: Sir, I just want to know if you have a permit to carry that loaded question.
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, “CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?”: Of course I can. Where do you want to go?
WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG: Don’t worry. This is all part of the program. This is the part we didn’t practice.
WHEN SPEAKING TO AN AUDIENCE OF EXPERTS: First let me say I’m well aware of the fact that many of you out there are better qualified to deal with this subject than I am. Better qualified? I feel like I’m giving a talk on flood control to Noah!
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT: It’s a pleasure to be here on this extinguished occasion.
WHEN THE MICROPHONE DOESN’T WORK: I don’t really need the microphone. I’m used to talking loud. I have three kids, a dog, and a stereo.
WHEN THE MICROPHONE DOESN’T
WORK: Could we get an electrician? The microphone is on the bum and it should be the other way around.
WHEN THE SOUND SYSTEM DOESN’T WORK: I don’t know why they call these things a P.A. system. To me they’re always P.U.
WHEN YOU DROP YOUR PAPERS: I’ve heard of a speech falling flat, but this is ridiculous!
WHEN YOU GARBLE WORDING: I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and sometimes I think it’s still there!
WHEN YOU PUT ON GLASSES: I don’t really need these glasses. I just use them to find things—like my office.
WHEN YOU QUOTE: At this point I’d like to say a few appropriated words.
WHEN YOU’RE IN A LARGE MEETING HALL: Isn’t this a wonderful room? I think they used it for the creditors of [BANKRUPT FIRM IN YOUR FIELD].
WHEN YOU STOP FOR A SIP OF WATER: As you can see, this is a prepared speech. All you add is water.
WHEN YOU TAKE A LONG TIME ADJUSTING THE MICROPHONE: Forgive me but it’s really necessary. I’m one of those Teddy Roosevelt talkers. I speak softly and carry a big microphone! I always have trouble with these things. One time I was giving a speech and the toast-master leaned over and said, “You’re too close to the microphone.” So I moved back a little, continued with my speech, and five minutes later he leaned over again and said, “You’re still too close to the microphone.” I said, “How far away should I be?” He said, “Got a car?”
WHILE PUTTING ON YOUR GLASSES: Some people say they don’t really need these things. I do. Whenever anybody sings, “Oh, say can you see?”—my answer is, “No!”
YOUNG, CONSERVATIVE AUDIENCE: As I stand here looking into your well-scrubbed faces, your short haircuts, and your closely trimmed sideburns—one thought crossed my mind: Some people will do anything to get attention!
SPEAKERS’ COMMENTS
It’s a great honor to be here tonight after having satisfied the two philosophical requirements of your Program Committee. The two philosophical requirements: (1) They believe in free speech. And (2) They believe in free speeches.
Next month we’ll be having our annual Beef-Stew New Year’s Eve Party. The dinner will be beef and the diners will be stewed.
We have a very modest, outgoing chairman but I happen to know that, during his term of office, he sat through dozens of debates. He sat through scores of planning sessions. And he sat through hundreds of meetings. In fact, one time I asked him, “If I was picked to be the next chairman, what preparation would I need?” He said, “H!”
I said, “Before you go any further, I’d like to say one thing.” He said, “What’s that?” I said, “Don’t go any further!”
I had an interesting experience coming in from the airport. The driver thought this hotel was in Tipperary. He kept taking the long way.
I haven’t exactly made the greatest impression in my field. You’ve heard of Who’s Who? I’m in Who He?
As I look out over this assembly and realize that we represent the finest minds and talent our profession has to offer—before we begin I’d like to ask Reverend Jones to say a short prayer for our country.
Actually, I was feeling pretty good until I peeked through the curtain and saw how many of you were here tonight. Then I was suddenly taken sober!
I once went to a seminar where the cocktail hour ran from three to seven. When I answered questions from the floor, you better believe it!
Please excuse me if I’m a little nervous tonight. I’ve been to many speeches as a member of the audience, but this is the first time I’ve ever stood up here—on the windward side.
You can’t blame me for being nervous. I live in a high-risk neighborhood—Earth!
[TAKE OFF YOUR WATCH AND PUT IT ON THE LECTERN.] Don’t let that reassure you. It’s a sundial.
Most speakers feel that 50 percent is what you deliver and 50 percent is how you deliver it. Masters and Johnson feel the same way.
The program chairman told me the essence of a good speech is to have a beginning and an end, and keep the two as close together as possible.… So in conclusion …
It’s never a good idea to give a very long speech. One time I gave a two-hour talk, and when it was over, the audience rose to its feet and cried, “Bully! Bully!” But they were so tired, they kept leaving off the Y.
This will be a rather short talk tonight and you can thank three people for it. My partner, who took a forty-five-minute speech and edited it down to thirty minutes. My wife, who took the thirty-minute speech and edited it down to fifteen minutes. And my secretary, who took the fifteen-minute speech and lost it.
This was originally a forty-five-minute speech but thanks to what my wife said last night, it’s only a fifteen-minute speech. She said what she always says at night: “Take out the garbage!”
I’d like to move this right along—before my welcome wears out and the martinis wear off.
I’ll tell you what started me giving short speeches. One time I was giving a real long one and I heard these two fellas talking in the front row. One nudged the other and said, “Do you figure he’s heading for the finish?” And his friend answered, “Only if he makes a U-turn!”
In many ways, a speaker is faced with the same problem a bridegroom has on his wedding night. Everybody knows what he’s there for. The big question is: “Can he deliver?”
And now I’d like to depart from the prepared text and say something I can understand too.
I have a ten-minute talk and a twenty-minute talk. It’s the same talk. I lose my place a lot.
I may seem a little disorganized but I’m really not. I’m like a swizzle stick. I do my best work when going around in circles.
I’ve done so much after-dinner speaking in the last few years, all I have to do is see a slice of roast beef and I start feeling for my notes.
As a public speaker, I like to think I have a stake in the future. I’m getting mighty sick of chicken à la king!
It’s a pleasure to be talking to such a large group. I gave a speech last night. The audience was so small, when they applauded it sounded like three nudists sitting on a marble bench!
I’ll tell you how I did. I got a shrugging ovation.
We’ve had such quiet audiences, you know how some shows have signs saying LAUGH and APPLAUD? We have signs saying INHALE and EXHALE.
I call this my no-bra speech. A point here, a point there, but in between it’s kind of shaky.
Air pollution is getting worse. You can tell. Last night I gave a speech, and by the time I finished, half the audience were holding their noses.
People say the most interesting things after speeches. One time a little old lady came up to me and said, “Mr. [YOUR NAME], some speeches give me food for thought.” I said, “Yes?” She said, “Yours was more like a canapé.”
You have to watch out for little old ladies. Last week one of them came up to me after a talk and said, “Mr. [YOUR NAME], you may find this hard to believe, but your speech reminded me of a little dog I have at home.” I said, “Isn’t that sweet! My speech reminded you of a little dog you have at home? What kind of dog?” She said, “Bull!”
We had a great audience last night. They specialized in group yawning.
You’ve been such a great audience, I hate to break this up. What say we all go down to a health food store and watch the bread mold?
And now we come to the part of our program that every husband who has ever come home at three o’clock in the morning is familiar with—the question and answer period.
Before we take a ten-minute break, I would like to leave you with this thought: He who hesitates—will stand on a mighty long line in the washroom!
I want to thank you for that staring ovation.
I’ll try to keep this simple because I put theories in the same category as pigeons. I don’t want to have anything to do with them when they’re over my head.
You know what I like about this group? It really gets down to business. We’ve covered more ground than a Weight Watchers picnic!
I talked to a wild
group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled “Louder!” during the silent meditation.
This is more laughs than the men’s room in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
We will now sing that grand old favorite: “Don’t Listen to the Mississippi River, Grandma, It Has a Dirty Mouth!”
I haven’t heard that dirty a laugh since I asked the man at the Post Office to mark a package FRAGILE.
Would the owner of a blue Pontiac with license plate XYZ-123 please report to the parking lot? The attendant has good news and bad news for you. The good news is that your headlights are on. The bad news is what your headlights are on—the ground!
The worst announcement you can ever hear is: “Will the owner of a blue Buick please report to the parking lot. The license plate used to be 4Y-1893!”
I’m so tired of being so handsome, attractive, and irresistible to girls—I may just get the world’s first bald transplant.
My competitor has said we ought to take the bull by the horns and he may be right. He’s a lot more familiar with bull than I am.
SPORTS
I just joined a tennis club and I’ve never been so disappointed. I thought mixed doubles was wife-swapping.
There are certain rules about skydiving you should always keep in mind. Like, never have an argument with your wife while she’s packing your chute.
Did you read about the sky diver who asked for instructions on how to use the parachute? The instructor told him, “You count to ten and pull the rip cord.” The sky diver said, “W-w-w-w-what w-w-w-w-w-was th-th-th-th-that n-n-n-n-n-n-n-number a-a-again?” The instructor said, “Three.”
Nineteen seventy-nine is the year I learned how to play golf. It was also my score.
When I play golf I have a lot of style but I don’t hit the ball far enough. What I’m trying to say is—I know how to address the ball; I just don’t put enough stamps on it!
SPRING
I just saw the first sign of spring—a beautiful green hillside and, against it, a cluster of yellow bulldozers.
Spring is here—when nature sends out her Buds in six-packs!