by Robert Orben
Have you noticed the way kids dress today? One father said to his wife, “Dear, I looked at our daughter today and I think she has a drug problem.” She said, “Drug as in marijuana?” He said, “No. Drug as in by the cat!”
I can remember when teenage girls were called dreamboats. Now they look more like tramp steamers.
TELEPHONES
Do you realize if Alexander Graham Bell hadn’t invented the telephone, we’d all be sitting around waiting for the bridge lamp to ring?
I can’t understand the telephone company. I came up with a great idea to make life simpler for telephone users and it’s just ignoring it. A directory for unlisted numbers!
I don’t know why people are always knocking the phone company. I can get dial tones without any trouble—usually halfway through my calls.
I’ve always found it significant that when you lose a coin, the phone company sends you stamps. Do you think it’s saying, maybe you ought to write a letter?
Breathes there a man so free from greed
That never has he felt the need,
When in a phone booth, to explore
The coin return slot just once more?
Did you know the telephone company is now using men as operators? Neither did I until I got one on the phone. I said, “I’d like to talk to an operator.” He said, “I am an operator.” I said, “How do I know you’re an operator?” He said, “I’m alone with eighty-five women, aren’t I?”
Personally, I think the phone company should add a little sex appeal to its operation. Like calling the girls in Directory Assistance—informaniacs!
Yesterday I got a phone call and a low sexy voice said, “I want your body!” What a sneaky way to collect blood for the Red Cross!
My uncle got two years in jail because of a wrong number. It was on his income tax.
A loser is someone who phones a number on a washroom wall—and it’s Dial-A-Prayer!
I know a fella who makes obscene phone calls. He calls up Christian Scientists and says, “Penicillin, antibiotics, cortisone, aspirin!”
I like to think deep philosophical thoughts—like, how does an obscene caller know when he gets a wrong number?
I just heard the weirdest conversation. My secretary answered a ring and it was an obscene caller. She said, “I’m very busy. Would you mind hurrying it up?” He said, “I’m breathing as fast as I can!”
TELEVISION
TV is one tube it’s mighty hard to squeeze anything good out of.
Television is the device that brings people into your living you wouldn’t have in your living room.
People will watch anything on television. I can prove it. You know that little white spot that appears when you turn off the set? Last week it got an 18.2 Nielsen!
People are funny. If friends lied to us as much as our TV set does, we’d have nothing to do with them.
Do you get the feeling that this season, television is hitting new highs in lows?
They say there’s nothing new under the sun. I just saw the new prime-time TV programs. There’s nothing new under the moon either.
What do I think of the new television shows? Well, I now have a callus from changing stations.
I don’t want to complain about the new TV season, but I’ve gone from Channel 2 to Channel 4 to Channel 6 to Seagram 7.
Some of the TV heroes this season are so old it’s embarrassing. One of them has to take two Anacin just to make a fist.
If somebody says, “Reach!”—it’s for a Social Security check!
I saw one show that was so bad, I think it was done in living duller.
I won’t say what the new shows are like but it’s the first time I ever saw a TV repairman back in.
Show me the man who laughs when things go wrong and I’ll show you a TV repairman!
TV is when you give a repairman forty-two dollars to replace a tube worth three dollars so you can watch a show that says, “Crime doesn’t pay.”
I know a fella who never pays any attention to the shade of a man’s skin. Unfortunately, he’s the one who fixes my color TV set.
Have you noticed how most of the new TV shows come in one color—mediocher?
This season the accent is on total frankness in language, approach, and subject matter. I knew it the minute TV Guide showed up in a plain brown wrapper.
You have no idea what’s happening on these programs. I can remember when HORIZONTAL HOLD was a little knob around on the side of the set. Now it’s a little fooling around on the front of it.
It’s embarrassing. One show is about a doctor who becomes sexually involved with one of his patients. What makes it so embarrassing, he’s a tree surgeon.
I was telling my secretary they want to do a TV special about me as the sex symbol of the year. All they need is a title. She said, “How about ‘He? Haw!’ ”
I know a newlywed who’s very upset with television. She says, “The trouble with TV is, it’s either sex or violence.” I said, “What do you mean sex or violence?” She said, “If you turn it on, it’s violence. If you turn it off, it’s sex!”
I don’t want to put down the new TV series but in my neighborhood we’ve always had something that shows us crime, corruption, lawbreaking, and violence. It’s called a window.
Blaming TV for violence is like blaming beds for sex.
In our neighborhood, cable TV is when the set is chained to the radiator.
They go so fast. I had one set disappear between “Here’s” and “Johnny”!
Personally, I’d like to see more TV shows with the accent on entertainment. Like sixty minutes of Dolly Parton with the hiccups!
I love the old movies on TV. Last night I saw the one where Cary Grant plays a cat burglar. Remember that one? In the very first scene he steals three cats!
“The evil that men do lives after them.” I didn’t believe it until I saw a rerun on TV.
You know who loves to watch TV? My dog. That’s right. When Oral Roberts says, “Heal!”—he goes out of his mind!
Did you know that Henny Youngman was the inspiration for ‘Sesame Street’? “A guy comes up to me on the street and Sesame …”
Magic is watching TV with three little kids in the room. Now you see it; now you don’t!
If inflation, crime, poverty, unemployment, and war are eliminated, can you imagine the profound change it’s going to make in our lives? For instance, in the future, the first ten minutes of the seven o’clock news will be a dance act.
TELEVISION COMMERCIALS
You have no idea how frank these TV medical shows are. I saw one that covered abortion, leprosy, and venereal disease. It’s the first time I ever enjoyed a sinus commercial.
Headache commercials are always talking about fast, fast relief. What fast? It takes an hour just to get the cotton out of the bottle!
The commercials on television are a little like watching those old army training films. I’ve never seen so many things I could do without.
I love to watch A Christmas Carol on TV because it’s so honest. They show four commercials and then Scrooge says, “Humbug!”
I’ll never forget the first time I discovered I was middle-aged. It was the day they showed a TV commercial for heartburn, nagging backache, and/falling hair—and I realized I was listening to it.
I love to watch the commercials on television: “I get seventy-five dollars a week in extra cash when I’m in the hospital!” “How do you do that?” “I mug doctors!”
THANKSGIVING
Be honest now. Don’t those big balloons in the Thanksgiving Day Parade remind you of one of the candidates? Hot air entirely surrounded by a very thin skin?
Thanksgiving is when the frost is on the pumpkin and the corn is in shock—at what butchers are asking for turkeys!
All you have to do is ask your butcher what he’s charging a pound and you’ll know that turkeys aren’t the only ones who are getting it in the neck!
Don’t you just hate people who show off? Like my neighbor
s had a thirty-four-pound turkey. I didn’t mind that so much. It’s what they stuffed it with—a twenty-four-pound turkey.
I’m not going to go to my brother-in-law’s anymore. Cheap? Last Thanksgiving he served a margarineball turkey!
An optimist is a turkey who spends the month before Thanksgiving going, “Moooo!”
Take my advice—never buy one of those frozen turkeys. We had one last year—eighteen pounds! When the goose bumps went down—two and a half!
I’ll tell you how big this bird was. We stuffed it with bread crumb.
Thanksgiving is when the oven says to the turkey, “I’m hot for your body!”
I love those electric carving knives. Now you can be hurt worse than the turkey is!
The scene is the first Thanksgiving dinner. Two Indians finish their pumpkin pie, thank their hosts, and start walking back to their tribe. As they get out of earshot, one Indian says, “What did you think?” The other answers, “I’ll tell you something—a Julia Child they’re not!”
This morning my wife asked me what kind of cake she should make for Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Are your relatives coming over?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “How about sponge?”
Every year we have my wife’s relatives over for a real old-fashioned Thanksgiving. We provide the giving and they provide the thanks.
I won’t say how they ate but every two hours we stopped to carry out the wounded!
You have no idea how my wife’s relatives can eat. One year I bent over to say grace and when I looked up again, somebody was handing me an after-dinner mint.
You should see the way they eat. You know how some people, after a meal, count the silver? We count the kids!
I really didn’t have too much to eat at Thanksgiving dinner. My wife put the turkey on the table and said her uncle took care of the dressing. He’s an expert on stuffing. I said, “Really? He’s a chef?” She said, “No. A mortician.”
My brother-in-law held up the wishbone and said, “Would you like to make a wish?” I said, “It’s too late. You’re here!”
I sat next to my brother-in-law. Course, I don’t call him my brother-in-law. He’s more like our resident tapeworm.… This man is to food what Anacin is to headaches!
Thanksgiving is a time that brings people together. I met a cousin I hadn’t seen in twenty years. I said, “What have you been doing?” He said, “Twenty years!”
We had a wild Thanksgiving last year. I won the wishbone pull and my mother-in-law came down with food poisoning. I never knew those things worked!
One year I cooked the Thanksgiving dinner and my wife said, “That’s what I call a surprise.” Which was pretty nice of her. The doctor called it “ptomaine”!
My wife says it’s a torn turkey but I’m not so sure. We can’t get the wing off its hip!
We stuffed the turkey with oysters and it was very unusual. It’s the first time I ever saw a turkey reading Playboy!
Kids are great at Thanksgiving. These three kids were talking and one of them said, “I’m gonna have three helpings of turkey, four helpings of stuffing, and five pieces of mince pie!” The second kid said, “I’m gonna have four helpings of turkey, five helpings of stuffing, and six pieces of mince pie!” The third kid said, “I’m gonna make a pig of myself!”
You know who I feel sorry for at Thanksgiving dinners? Weight Watchers! They must feel like the checkroom attendant at an orgy.
The problem with every Thanksgiving dinner is: The drinks go right to your head and the roast potatoes go right to your hips!
My wife is one of those creative cooks. You know how some people put stuffing in the turkey? She puts bicarbonate in. Why wait till the last minute?
And at the end of every Thanksgiving dinner we have a touch of the bubbly. A touch of the bubbly—Alka-Seltzer!
An optimist is anyone who has a twenty-eight-pound turkey for Thanksgiving—and the next day asks, “What’s for lunch?”
The week after Thanksgiving is when you sit down to dinner and ask, “Are we having pheasant under glass?” And your wife answers, “No. We’re having turkey under Saran wrap!”
It’s the same thing every year. First you have roast turkey. Then the next day you have warmed-up turkey, followed by cold turkey, followed by turkey croquettes, followed by turkey omelette, followed by turkey hash, followed by turkey soup, followed by Christmas!
I never knew my wife saved leftovers until she gave me a turkey salad and there was something in it—tinsel.
I have a thing about leftovers. I won’t even go out with a widow.
Show me a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers into the garbage and I’ll show you a fella who quits cold turkey!
THEFT
___________ has all kinds of legal gambling. If you want to take a chance in the morning, you can buy a lottery ticket. If you want to take a chance in the afternoon, you can bet on the horses. If you want to take a chance at night, you can play Bingo. And if you want to take a chance at midnight—you can walk to the corner.
You think I’m kidding? If you take a walk at two o’clock in the morning and you’re not mugged—you start checking your deodorant.
Last year my neighbor was robbed of $60 so he went out and bought a hundred-pound police dog. In six months, the dog ate $752 worth of meat. Yesterday he got rid of the dog and asked the robber for a second chance!
When there’s a will there’s a way. We couldn’t afford a watchdog so we did the next best thing. We taught the kids how to bark.
They even have a song about people who live in high-crime districts: “Button Up Your Overcoat, Someone Stole Your Pants.”
It’s such a friendly town. Last night alone we had three visitors. Two while we were home.
I didn’t mind when they stole our black and white TV set. I didn’t mind when they stole our color TV set. But when they changed the address on our subscription to TV Guide, that was going too far!
I stopped a burglary last night and it’s only because I think fast on my feet. It’s three o’clock in the morning and I see this fella tiptoeing into my living room. So, quick as a flash, I say to myself, “How many ballet dancers do I know?”
TRAVEL
The guy who said, “You can’t take it with you,” never saw my family pack for a trip.
I love to travel because it brings something into your life you never had before—poverty.
My favorite national park is Yellowstone—the only national park that’s rated X. Somebody is always saying, “Don’t look now, but there’s a bear behind!”
The national parks are a very educational experience. The first thing you learn is never pat a bear on the head. And if you don’t, the last thing you learn is never pat a bear on the head.
If you think it’s a small world, try seeing it by bus.
Kids have a totally different way to pack for a three-month trip to Europe. They take one shirt, one pair of pants, one pair of sandals, and a change of guitar.
All you parents who have been saving for years and have never been able to get to Europe—it’s easy. All you have to do is die and come back as a guitar!
It’s so impressive being in St. Peter’s Square. Where else can you see traffic signs that say KNEEL, DON’T KNEEL?
You have to give the Royal Family credit. When they hold their nose in the air, they look regal. When I do it, I fall downstairs.
TROUBLES
A loser is somebody who plays Monopoly and gets mugged on Boardwalk!
In this life, the quality of mercy is not strained—which explains why so many of us get our lumps!
Did you hear about the sex maniac who was pleading his own case and doing a great job—until he came to the summation. He said, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am innocent of this dastardly accusation and so I would like to throw myself on the mercy of the court—not to mention the blonde in the second row!”
You know you’re a loser when certain things happen. Like yesterday a Good Humor man yelled at me.
We just don’t look prosperous. I know we don’t look prosperous. Every time the Avon lady comes she shows us seconds.
Nothing ever seems to go right for me. I have a canary who hums.
I was the only boy scout who couldn’t start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. I either had to carry matches or Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.
I’m so unlucky, if I bought an aspirin factory, they’d repeal the income tax.
I’ve always settled for second-best. Like I go to a dermatologist with acne.
You think you have troubles. My sundial is slow.
I’ll tell you what kind of a life I’ve been leading. Last month my phone bill was $142—and this was just to Dial-A-Prayer!
I’m so nervous, what my cup runneth over is me!
I’m so insecure, I have a rowing machine with a life preserver!
You think you have troubles? I bought that washday miracle that makes my laundry smell as fresh as all outdoors—and I live in Bayonne! [LOCALIZE.]
I’m so discouraged, sometimes I wish Noah had built the Titanic.
I’ll tell you what kind of a day I had. The car broke down going in to work. I had an argument with the boss. I lost my biggest account. The mechanic charged me $143 to fix the car. I got home, dropped into my favorite chair, and located the one egg we couldn’t find at Easter.
You can’t trust anything these days. I went into one of those little stores downtown, put a quarter into a machine marked PEEP SHOW, and got five minutes of the Hartz Mountain Canaries!
Did you ever have one of those days when everything goes wrong?
For instance, every year I’ve been going out to Chicago because I have relations there. My wife just found out with whom.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re going nowhere—and have already arrived?
I dunno. Sometimes I feel like the nurse who gives Mickey Rooney his flu shots. I’m always getting the short end of things.
I knew I was in trouble when my mother-in-law showed up for a weekend visit with six suitcases and her cemetery deed.