by Sam Shelstad
“I’m scared,” she said. She was really shaking.
I told her about the cop house; how there was this little house only a block away from our street where all the police officers lived. That they wore their uniforms while they did chores and had special blue cop pajamas with red stripes down the side. That they had barbeques and laughed and watched the weather channel together. That they had a heated pool in the backyard and did cannonballs.
“What about their wives?” Amanda P said. “Or husbands?”
“The spouses get to stay. And the children too. They all live in the house together.”
“Do they have their own bedrooms?”
“No,” I said. I struggled to keep my eyes open, but it was important that I hide my fatigue. I needed to be there for my friend. “They sleep in one big bedroom on the second floor. They have bunk beds. And every night, once all the cops and their families are under their blankets and the light is off, they sing a song together. A good night song.”
“But what if there’s a crime?”
“I’m sorry?”
“What if there’s a crime at night while all the cops are asleep?”
“The crimes only happen in the day,” I said. “Because the criminals need to sleep too.”
“Jesus, Ruth,” Amanda P said. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
But she wasn’t shaking anymore. She wasn’t shaking at all.
I took her up to my old bedroom, plugged in the dehumidifier and brought her a glass of milk. She went to sleep and I stood in the doorway. She looked so vulnerable lying there. The only thing protecting her from the frightening world outside Mom’s house—my house—was me. I was in charge.
As I watched my friend sleep, the gloss on her fat lip catching the moonlight that shone through the window, I knew everything would be fine.
New Ice Kingdom
Things different in New Ice Kingdom, but things also same. Things same: snow, water, ice, ice holes. Spend most of time at ice holes. Sun come during day as always, then go away at night. Things different: not as many polar bear—just me. That mean no Bud, Bud my son. Miss Bud. Not so much miss others.
Also different: not good at killing seal. Before was good at killing seal.
To kill seal, first find ice hole. Wait by ice hole, maybe for long time. When seal comes up for air, there is smell of seal’s breath. When smell seal’s breath in hole, reach down and kill seal by biting head. If flopping, bash with paw. When seal dead from head bite/bashing, drag to nice spot, eat. Or, if not hungry, bury in secret spot for later.
Was very good at this in Old Ice Kingdom. Ate lots of seal, gave seal bits to son, Bud. Also gave seal bits to other, less-good seal killers like Maury, who is mooch. Since come to New Ice Kingdom, not so good at killing seal. Hesitate. New Ice Kingdom has ice holes and seals, seals swim to ice holes for air; all normal. But when smell seal breath now, not quick. Hesitate. Seal go back down.
Last meal? Long time ago; sun come and go away one hundred times or more. So, hungry.
Today, maybe good day. Optimistic. Find ice hole, lay down. Wait at ice hole. No seal breath. Wait long time, then go away. Find new ice hole.
At new ice hole, lay down. Wait at ice hole. Wait very long time and when about to go away: seal breath. Hesitate. Seal go back down.
Hungry.
Later, Sun go away. While Sun going away, thank Sun for day. Even though not good day—no catch seal. But not Sun’s fault. Maybe tomorrow better. Dig small pit in ice, sleep.
∙
Today, meet friend. No friends in New Ice Kingdom until now. Was at ice hole waiting for seal breath. Waited long time, then smelled seal breath. Hesitated. Seal go back down. Then heard noise. Turned around, saw fox. Thought was Bud at first—same size, colour—but not Bud. Fox.
Fox looked hungry—wanted seal bits? But no seal so walk away. Would have given fox seal bits, because fox friend, but no seal. So fox go away.
Later go to different ice hole. Lay down, wait. No seal breath. Wait long time, no seal breath. See fox in distance, waiting for seal bits, but no seal. Fox go away.
Decide to spy on Old Ice Kingdom. Have to be sneaky because of Maury. Walk long time, see Old Ice Kingdom across water. Big swim from New Ice Kingdom to Old Ice Kingdom; water gap good boundary. Hide behind snow pile near shore, look at Old Ice Kingdom. See Bud. Bud with Maury. Bud Maury’s son now? No, Bud still my son. Miss Bud. Not so much miss Maury.
Hear noise, look back—fox. Fox followed. Fox good, fox friend. Maybe fox thinking about seal bits. But not killing seal now; spying on son and Maury. Good team, me and fox. Sidekicks. Will call fox “Foxy,” go on adventures, kill seal and give Foxy seal bits. Foxy and Bear.
Fall asleep on snow pile. Wake up, Bud gone. Maury gone. Foxy gone. Go back to New Ice Kingdom.
Hungry. Tired.
Sun go away. Thank Sun for day. Thank Sun for Foxy. Today good day because have new friend. Also bad day because no seal. Dig small pit in ice, sleep.
∙
Adventure for Foxy and Bear today.
After Sun comes, go to ice hole, wait. Wait long time, smell seal breath. Hesitate. Seal go back down. Hear noise, see Foxy. No seal bits, sorry. But still friends. Go to look for different ice hole, maybe better luck. Walk for long time, see thing far away. Maybe seal? Sometimes seal sit on ice, rest. This good.
Sneak up on seal behind snowdrift. Foxy following. Get close. Peer over drift at seal, ready to attack. But not seal. Not look like seal, not smell like seal. Get closer: shit. Own shit from different day. While walking away to find ice hole, see Foxy go over to shit pile. Foxy eat part of shit. Good adventure.
Then at ice hole waiting for seal breath and thinking of Bud. Miss Bud. Bud miss me? Not know.
Miss own dad. Showed how to wait by ice hole, kill seal. Remember Dad giving water rides. Would hold onto Dad’s neck/back, then Dad would swim around in water between Old Ice Kingdom and New Ice Kingdom. Didn’t go to New Ice Kingdom though because Dad made frowny face and pointed paw at New Ice Kingdom to say, There not good. Old Ice Kingdom good. But New Ice Kingdom not so bad. Except hungry. Not good at killing seal in New Ice Kingdom.
Want Bud back, but Bud maybe not want back. Because messed up. Did bad thing, now Bud not happy.
While thinking of Bud and own dad, smell seal breath. Hesitate. Seal go back down.
Sun go away. Thank Sun for day, thank Sun for Foxy. Dig small pit in ice, sleep.
∙
Today very desperate. Hungry. Almost did bad thing.
When sun came, went to ice hole. Foxy near, waiting for seal bits. Waited, smelled seal breath, hesitated. Seal go back down.
Hungry.
Went to secret spot, dug up secret thing. This not good. Should not dig up secret thing. But hungry, so did. Secret thing still there, buried deep in snow. Same: bite marks on head, but good condition. Very hungry, but want to be good dad for Bud, so put back. This very hard to do, because of hungry. Put secret thing back in secret spot. Went to ice hole.
Wait at ice hole, no seal breath. Foxy watch then go away.
Sun go away. Thank Sun for day, thank Sun for Foxy, thank Sun for Dad who taught to be good and not eat secret thing. Dig small pit, sleep.
∙
Today not good day. Hungry. Do not leave pit. Should probably go to ice hole with Foxy, but tired. Sun looking down like, Why still in pit? Why not go to ice hole and try again? But still not get up.
In pit, thinking of Old Ice Kingdom. Miss Old Ice Kingdom. Miss Bud. Remember being cub, Bud’s age, playing ice hole game. So much fun when cub. Would go with friend, find two ice holes near each other. Would dive into first ice hole, swim in water under ice until come out of second ice hole. Scary because what if couldn’t find other ice hole. But always did because smart. Learned ice hole game from Dad. Dad was good dad. Later, taught ice hole game to Bud, so good dad as well. Except ice hole game how bad thing happened. So maybe not good dad now.
Thinking about bad thin
g, feel bad for Maury. Although feel bad for self because miss Bud. At least Bud still here. Maury’s son not here. Because of bad thing.
Remember was waiting by ice hole in Old Ice Kingdom. This was before, when good at killing seal. Bud nearby, playing ice hole game with Maury’s son. Bud and Maury’s son best friends.
Was waiting, then heard noise in ice hole. Smelled breath.
Did not hesitate.
Reached down with paw, grabbed seal, bit head.
Not seal.
First thought was Bud, very scary, but not Bud. Thank Sun. But, was Maury’s son. Not good. Bud run over, see best friend with blood on head. See Dad with blood on mouth. Bud cry. This very bad. Bud run off—scared of own dad? Not chase after. When Maury find out, maybe Maury try and kill one who bites son’s head. So take Maury’s son in mouth, run away. Swim across to New Ice Kingdom, bury Maury’s son in secret spot. Not good dad like own dad.
Sun go away. Thank Sun for day, even though whole day in pit. Hungry. Bad thoughts.
∙
Today good? Today bad? Not know.
Today good because when Sun comes, leave pit, make decision. Go over options: Since not good at killing seal in New Ice Kingdom, will die if stay in New Ice Kingdom. Because hungry. And since killed Maury’s son with head bite, will die if go to Old Ice Kingdom. Because maybe Maury want revenge. So stay in New Ice Kingdom and go to Old Ice Kingdom are same thing. Will die.
But, come up with plan: If go to Old Ice Kingdom, can bring secret thing. Dig up Maury’s son from secret spot, bring to Old Ice Kingdom, then Maury and Bud see: he dying because hungry, but he not eat Maury’s son. Even though hungry, even though dying. Still not eat. So he good, he accident, he sorry.
Today bad because when go to secret spot, secret thing dug up. See Foxy eating secret thing close to secret spot. Angry. Chase Foxy. Foxy fast but Foxy stop to throw up and then catch Foxy. Snap neck. Snap neck of only friend.
No Foxy and Bear. Just Bear. Today bad.
Today good again because of new plan: even though hungry, not eat Foxy. Good decision. Foxy not Maury’s son, but can still bring Foxy to Bud and Maury. Bring Foxy and show how did not eat thing that ate Maury’s son. Even though hungry, even though dying. Plus killed thing that ate Maury’s son. So he good. Can come back to Old Ice Kingdom, be with Bud. Miss Bud.
Hope after Maury and Bud see dead Foxy they let eat Foxy. Because hungry. But maybe should not eat friend, even though mad at friend for ruin first plan.
Walk long time, see Old Ice Kingdom on other side of water. Tired because hungry but jump in water anyway. Make halfway across and drop Foxy. Foxy sink. Dive down because need Foxy for plan but can’t find. Also can’t find top of water. Plan go bad. Feel like Sun go away, even though Sun still there. Tired. Thank Sun for day, even though day not finished. Where is Foxy. Close eyes, even though not in pit. In water. Not good.
∙
Wake up. Having water ride on Dad’s back! Best feeling. Favourite thing in world is water ride on Dad’s back. Then remember: Dad gone. So, not Dad. Someone else.
Sniff neck fur: Maury. Having water ride on Maury’s back. Confused.
Remember swimming to Old Ice Kingdom. Remember dropping Foxy. Was drowning. Means Maury saw drowning, rescue. So Maury not want to kill? Because if want to kill, why rescue? So Maury forgive. This very good.
Holding on to Maury’s neck/back, see Old Ice Kingdom shore. See Bud on shore. Maury swimming towards Bud. Bud not scared because not running away. This very good. Maybe get to live in Old Ice Kingdom again where good at killing seal. Where get to be with Bud. Will take Bud for water rides, which is fun for Bud—has good dad like own dad.
As ride to shore, thank Sun, but then remember Foxy. Foxy have son? Not know. Feel bad about Foxy. Best friend now in boundary water.
Go back for Foxy later? Will go back for Foxy later. Will bury Foxy in secret spot, not dig up. Good plan. Thank Sun for plan. Thank Sun for Bud. Bud getting closer. Almost there.
Frank
Alice sat with her hands folded elegantly on the bar and occasionally sipped her beer. Tillman was late. She thought about going home but she had paid for the room so she ordered another beer. Maybe he would just come. While the bartender was pouring her a new one, a hideous man walked in.
“Thought you’d show up Frank,” the bartender said. “How was it today?”
“Evening,” Frank said. The ugly man took off his big coat, tucked it somewhere behind the bar then came back around and sat three stools down from Alice. “Was fine. Stout, please.”
He looks like a bat, Alice thought. His face was all scrunched up and his hair looked like rat fur. He wore a suit but it wasn’t a nice one like the kind Tillman always wore. It was brown but like a dog-food brown.
“Hey Miss,” Frank said. He looked right at Alice with his terrible face. I hope this isn’t going to be something, she thought.
“Hello,” Alice said.
“Here for the convention?”
“No.”
“Frank,” Frank said extending his hand. Alice had to get up to shake it.
“Alice,” she said. She sat back down on her stool as Frank got up and moved one stool closer. I knew this was going to be something, she thought. If only Tillman was here. And it probably looks like I’m a prostitute because why else would I be sitting here all dressed up with this ugly man. But maybe I’m no treat either which would explain Tillman not showing up. Maybe he walked in the door and saw how I’ve aged since the last time and walked right back out.
Alice caught her reflection in the mirror behind the bar and realized she was slouching. She sat up straight and regained her elegant pose. Maybe I should put my hair back up, she thought. She’d recently dyed it black and now wondered if she looked like a goth or Cher. Frank was staring at her.
“Your brooch,” Frank said. He pointed at the silver owl on Alice’s blazer. Tillman had bought it for her. Maybe it was corny of her to wear it but she wanted to so she did. Under the blazer, Alice wore the blue dress from the night she and Tillman had walked around the city until dawn. She carried a pair of flats in her purse in case something like that happened again.
“Yes,” she said. “My little owl.”
“Can I tell you a story Alice?”
Alice nodded at Frank, looked at her watch and then at Frank.
“When I was a kid there were these woods near my house that I used to play in,” Frank said. “One day I was fooling around in there—I was nine at the time—and I saw this little man in a coat through the trees. He was about a foot tall wearing this funny little coat, just walking along. I started to follow him and he didn’t seem to notice me.
“The woods stretched pretty far and this tiny man kept walking, slowly. I followed him for maybe twenty minutes. He disappeared in the bushes. It was hard to track him because he was so short. But I kept up. And then when we reached a bit of a clearing I saw that he wasn’t a little man in a coat but an owl. It was this owl, just walking through the forest in the middle of the afternoon.
“I stayed on him, though, and eventually the owl walked into this concrete tube that was lying there. It was like a section of a sewer or something. There was some weird junk lying around in that forest. So anyway, I walked up to the tube and looked in. The owl was gone but there was a guy lying in there and he was dead.”
“Wow,” Alice said. “What happened?”
Before the ugly man could answer, the bartender came over and told Alice there was a phone call for her. She excused herself and went to the other end of the bar where the phone was placed for her to use. She knew that it was Tillman on the other end because no one else knew where she was or what she was doing. But maybe one of the girls from the office found out somehow and she was about to get another lecture.
Of course he didn’t show up, they’d say. Girl, this is wrong. It’s so not good for you and it’s not good for the poor wife, either. You both deserve better than this. But they didn’t know how it was.
They weren’t there the night she and Tillman climbed onto her roof and sat there for hours, talking and laughing. They weren’t there the first time she slept with Tillman and then cried afterwards because she felt such a deep connection. They were all pretty and had perfect husbands. And it wasn’t like any of this was news—she knew it was wrong. They didn’t know how it was.
“Hello,” Alice said.
“It’s me,” a voice answered. Alice’s spine tingled. It was Tillman. “So guess what? Jane decided to come down with me. This is the first chance I’ve had to call.”
“Can you get away? What do I do?”
“You know I want to be there. Otherwise, you know. But Jane’s here at my hotel and I’m in meetings all day. Sorry Alice but you better go home. If she saw you around the city, you know.”
“Jesus.”
“Just pay for the room and I’ll send you some cash when I’m home. Okay, gotta go. I’ll try and call soon.” A dial tone replaced Tillman’s voice but Alice kept holding the phone to her ear. Good thing I got my hair done, she thought. Good thing I spent all that money on my hair and drove all the way to goddamn Windsor and lied to my parents about having the flu and now I’m missing their anniversary dinner with all the family so I can drink with creepy men.
“Okay well thanks for calling. See you tomorrow,” Alice said to nobody and hung up the phone. She went back to her stool. She noticed that the two people who were sitting at the table in the back were gone leaving just Frank, the bartender and herself. It was a big room and it was Friday night—both of these facts made the emptiness of the bar feel emptier.
“Sorry about that,” Alice said to Frank. The bartender put the phone away and disappeared. “So what happened? After you found the dead guy in the tube?”
“Well, I said ‘Hey’ a few times to see if the man was sleeping but he didn’t wake up. And I just knew he was dead, you know. I could just tell. So I turned around and walked back home, got my dad. He called the constable and I took everyone to the spot. It turned out to be this guy from Detroit who overdosed on pills. Nobody knew what he was doing there, but there he was.”