She shook her head, wringing her hands. "I've tried not to think about them too much."
"Then remember them now, in order of birth, Rykar, Alenstra, Conash, Orcal, Shinda, Ryana. My name is there too, cursed though it may be to you. Rykar, eldest son, kin of the wolves. You, Alenstra, eldest daughter, kin of hawks... where is your familiar?"
"Dead."
He nodded. "Of course. Then there's me, Conash, second son, kin of cats, and Orcal, third son, kin of deer. Shinda, second daughter, kin of horses, and lastly Ryana, third daughter, kin of humming birds. I haven't forgotten anything about them, and my name belongs with theirs no matter what I am now."
She bowed her head, and his voice rose to a shout. "Am I boring you?" He picked up a vase and hurled it across the room with a mighty crash. "Don't lie to me! Don't make promises you cannot keep! I've suffered enough already. I don't need to be misled by my sister!"
Blade looked around for something else to break, but the room was quite bare of ornaments, so he swept up the half-empty bottle of wine and smashed it against the wall. "I've had fourteen years of hard looks and furtive spitting behind my back, snide remarks and insults from strangers, innumerable attempts on my life! I don't need it from you! I have paid enough for what I am!"
Alenstra covered her face and wept. Blade hurled a wine cup across the room with a satisfying clatter, then strode over to her, gripped her wrists and yanked her to her feet. "Stop it! I don't want your tears, or your pity, and certainly not your lies! You will get your children, and you'll be rid of me soon enough!"
Alenstra shrank from him, her eyes wide, and he released her to swing away and stride in a circle like a caged cat. She made a dash for the door, desperate to escape his fury. Blade caught her and yanked her back, pushing her against the wall. She stared at him, gasping with fear.
He thrust his face close to hers. "I am your brother!" he bellowed, "Nothing can change that, do you hear me? Your brother!" His voice dropped almost to a whisper. "And you're afraid of me, aren't you? Not because your master ill-treated you. I will wager he never had to beat you for disobedience, did he? You're afraid of me for the same reason that everyone else is; because I'm an assassin. You think I just love to kill, that I do it for fun, and always have a dagger at hand."
He released a dagger from its wrist sheath and let it slip into his hand, holding it before her eyes. "There it is. Clever, hmm? Do you think for one second that I would use it on you? Do you have any idea what you mean to me? I see myself in you. You're a part of me, and I would more likely kill myself than harm a hair on your head."
Blade drew back his hand and smashed the dagger into the wall beside her head, twisting the blade and making her jump and squeak in fright. He growled, "My wife has more courage than you, and she took a greater risk! I would kill anyone who so much as insulted you, and that's why Dorgon must die. Don't you feel just a little bit privileged to be so cared for by a man who cares for nothing and no one else in this world?"
Blade swung away, inspecting his hand, which bled from a nasty gash. "Ah, what's the use? You'll shun me no matter what I say. Funny, isn't it?" He gave a harsh laugh. "So many people have longed for my affection, but the one person who has it doesn't want it."
Alenstra swallowed hard, looking pale and ill. Blade turned his back on her, fully expecting her to slip out of the door now that she was free to do so. Instead she approached him, staring at the blood on his hand, and walked around to stand in front of him. He regarded her dispassionately, his mouth twisted with bitterness.
She gulped, brushing a tear from her cheek. "You're wrong. I do want it. You're all I have -"
"You're lying again." He shook his head. "You always were a bad liar. You never fooled me. You lied to the Queen too, which I dislike. All that nonsense about eternal damnation, about not wanting me to kill Lord Dorgon because you were concerned about me. All lies. Why don't you try telling the truth? Do that, and I might not kill your beloved lord. Admit it; you love him, don't you?"
Her eyes slid away. "For a few years I was his favourite. I even thought he would marry me. He's not a bad man, and you're right, he never beat me. I think he loves me, or used to."
"At last, the truth. How inconvenient to be taken from him by a brother you would rather was dead."
"That's not true. I'm glad you found me. I'm happy you're alive."
The assassin sighed, watching the blood ooze from his hand. "No you're not. Maybe at first, but since you've learnt what I am you cannot bear the sight of me." He raised his eyes. "Just get out."
She hesitated, glancing at his hand. "You're hurt, let me help you."
"No. Go away."
"You won't kill Lord Dorgon?"
"Get out!"
Alenstra fled from his furious bellow, slamming the door behind her. Blade sank down on a chair and stared at the floor. Perhaps worse than her rejection of him was Alenstra's affection for the Cotti lord. It turned his triumph of finding and freeing her into a travesty, and made a mockery of his plans to avenge her enslavement. The one person who might have brought him happiness had betrayed him, shunned him for a Cotti lord, and the pain of her defection cut deep. Raising his bleeding fist, he slammed it against the table top, the pain momentarily dulling the torment within him with a far more familiar kind of suffering.
Chapter Seven
The next day, Blade surprised Minna-Satu with another visit, and she sensed that something was amiss. She dismissed her handmaidens with a flick of her fingers, and, when he had settled on a cushion before her, he wasted no time in coming to the point.
"I no longer wish to assassinate Lord Dorgon, My Queen. I would ask that my sister be sent back to him as soon as possible."
Minna plucked a grape from a nearby fruit bowl to hide her surprise. "I see. Kerrion will be pleased. Dare I ask what has brought about this change of heart, My Lord?"
"It is her wish. She has been his slave for eighteen years, and is used to her life there with her children."
"Understandable, I suppose, if he has treated her well. And of course, she wants to stay with her children."
"Naturally," he muttered.
"You must be disappointed. Do you plan to visit her in the future?"
"No. She has no wish to see me, so I shall not inflict myself upon her."
Minna sighed, frowning. "Because you are an assassin."
"Yes."
"I find it hard to understand, My Lord. What does your trade matter? I spoke to her about it and tried to explain you to her, but unfortunately I do not know you that well."
He looked up from his perusal of the floor and bestowed upon her a sad, sweet smile that wrenched her heart. "Do you not, Minna?"
"Not as well as I would like, no. Yet, if it is any consolation to you, I would gladly claim you as my brother."
His smile broadened. "I am honoured, My Queen. I hardly think I am worthy of you."
"But you are." She leant forward. "Do not take her rejection too hard. She does not know you as I do. What little I have come to understand about you has earned my utmost respect and... affection, as you know. Perhaps you should spend some time with her."
"It would do no good. She is afraid of me, and I disgust her. In many ways she is right. Any of my family would have reacted the same way, had they been alive today. I tried to hide it from her, but she would have found out anyway. As you know, there is no greater shame in Jashimari than to have a brother or son who is an assassin."
"A thing that may change because of you."
Blade shrugged, looking away, then rose and walked over to the window. She noticed with some alarm that he limped, his shoulders were slumped, and he nursed a bandaged hand. Joining him at the window, she studied him.
"What ails you? How did you hurt your hand?"
He glanced down at it. "It was self-inflicted, and as to the other, I am simply tired, My Queen. I want to go home and retire on my estate. I am weary of my life. It is time to give it up and be idle, grow fat and lazy, al
low myself all the luxuries and quiet I have denied myself in my endless quest for purpose and revenge. None of it matters to me anymore. My sister loves the Cotti bastard who enslaved her, whose people murdered our family and made me what I am, and I do not understand it."
"Love knows no boundaries. We cannot decide whom to love. The most we can do is deny our feelings and be unhappy. Take some comfort that at least she has not been ill-treated and miserable all these years, but has found some joy in her situation. I know it denies you the satisfaction of rescuing her and avenging her enslavement, but when all is said and done, you must think it more important that she is happy."
Blade gazed out at the city, watching a flock of robber ravens harass a fork-tailed rat hawk above the houses. "I am ashamed of her, even as she is of me. Strange, is it not, that a brother and sister parted for more than half their lives can find nothing in common but shame. While I sought vengeance against the Cotti for the death of my family, she found comfort and happiness in the arms of one."
The Queen nodded. "Life is full of ironies, and yet she had no more choice in the matter than you did. Both of you were moulded by your situations. You by your hatred, she by the love she found for her captor. I think neither of you has reason or cause to judge the other."
Blade turned to face her, his hands clasped before him. She gazed into his eyes, finding nothing in them to match the sadness of his expression, and realised that the hatred and rage that had always burnt in them was gone. They were utterly empty now, which somehow frightened her more than the hatred. That, at least, she had understood, but this complete lack of emotion was more sinister somehow, and his tautness had diminished. The impression he had always given, of a coiled spring, was no longer so evident, and she wondered if he had lost his edge.
He sighed. "You mean well, My Queen, but I can find little comfort in your words. It is ironic, is it not, that when I finally find someone for whom I have some feeling, all I have is sorrow? I would ask that you give the word on Ronan's death."
"No. I know you mean to throw your life away on this final assassination, and I will not allow it. Kerrion talks of sending Ronan to join Armin in Contara, which would solve the problem."
"For a while, but one day he will return." He shrugged and turned to look out of the window again. "The choice is yours, of course, but if that is the case I shall return to Jashimari."
She studied his profile. "In due course, My Lord. But I will need you until Ronan leaves."
"Then you no longer object?"
"My dearest wish is that you stay here with me, but I would not have you unhappy. I have no choice in the matter, for I cannot return, but I have Kerrion here, so my lot is better than yours. As long as you tell no one that I am alive, not even Chiana, I do not object."
He inclined his head. "Then I shall wait until you no longer need me here, My Queen."
The assassin left a minute later, and Minna-Satu pondered him for a while, finding herself angered by Alenstra's effect on him. Picking up her veil, she quit her rooms and strode down the corridor to Alenstra's quarters. As usual, she barged in without knocking, stripping off the veil with a flourish. Alenstra, who was packing her clothes into a leather bag, looked up in surprise and fell to her knees.
"My Queen."
"Get up. You do not need to kneel; you are a lady, thanks to your brother. Although from what I have heard you do not deserve it."
Alenstra climbed to her feet. "Nor do I want it."
"Why not?"
"Because of the manner in which it was earned. I don't wish to benefit from my brother's bloody deeds."
"Indeed?" Minna eyed the older woman. "You will mend your speech when you address me, Lady Alenstra. You are a disgrace to your brother."
"A disgrace? It is he who -"
"Lord Conash is a highly respected man in Jashimari. His deeds are legend, bloody or not. There are times and situations when killing is necessary, and you have no right to judge him. He is also ashamed of you, I might add, and with better reason. He asked King Kerrion to seek word of you, concerned, as a brother should be, for the only sibling whose death he did not witness, and found you not only content in the arms of one whom he regards as an enemy, but also ungrateful."
Alenstra fiddled with the gown she held. "I am not ungrateful. I was happy at first, but when I found out what he is, I -"
"An assassin? There is no need to avoid saying it; it holds no repugnance to me. Admittedly it has always been a scorned trade, but Lord Conash is no ordinary assassin. You have caused great pain to a man I regard as a dear friend, and I am ill pleased by this."
"I am sorry, My Queen, but to find that my brother has become a cold-blooded killer also caused me great pain."
Minna glared at the luckless woman. "Insult him at your peril. He has done you no wrong, and he is your brother. Does that not earn him some favour in your eyes?"
"Of course! I love him very much. I have since he was born. But now I cannot bear to be near him. He makes my skin crawl and his touch makes me shudder. I cannot help it."
"Because he has killed." Minna shook her head. "Are you such an innocent? Do you, for one moment, suppose that your Lord Dorgon has never killed a man?"
"No, of course he has, but he is not an assassin. Ash does it for a living. He kills strangers who have done him no wrong, for a fee, without remorse or mercy. Can you deny that?"
The Queen's lips twisted in a bitter smile. "No, I cannot. But he takes no pleasure in it, which many men do. Beneath his cold exterior is a good man twisted by suffering. If his family had not been slaughtered and tortured to death before his eyes, he would not be what he is today."
"And if the Cotti had not enslaved me I would not be in love with one today. Lord Dorgon has been kind to me, and has given me comfort and affection, food and shelter. If not for him, I might be dead."
"I understand, and so does Blade. That is why he has asked that you be sent back to Lord Dorgon."
Alenstra straightened, looking relieved. "Truly? Then he does not mean to murder him?"
"No. In case it has escaped your notice, he never planned to murder Dorgon. He sought a client in order to assassinate a man whom he perceived as his sister's ravisher. Is that so hard to understand?"
"Killing is always wrong, My Queen, no matter what its guise."
Minna raised her chin in a regal gesture. "Indeed? Then I should also make your skin crawl, for I have ordered the deaths of thousands."
"But you did not do it yourself, nor could you. There is a big difference."
"Is there? By Jashimari law, an assassin is not guilty of murder, his client is. Blade is blameless."
Alenstra shook her head, looking frustrated. "But that's - that is the whole point. People hire assassins because they are incapable of such an act. It is his ability to kill that sickens me."
"I see. There I cannot defend him. He is a ruthless killer, pitiless and uncaring, untouched by any emotion until now. Only you have the power to hurt him, and that you have done deeply. Perhaps in your own way you are as ruthless as he." Minna raised a hand when Alenstra opened her mouth to protest. "This discussion is over. Meet me tomorrow morning; there is something I would show you before you leave."
Alenstra glanced down at the bag. "I was going to move to the harem. I feel unwanted here."
"You will stay one more night. Tomorrow you may go." Minna turned and headed for the door, ignoring Alenstra's hasty prostration.
The following morning, Minna-Satu made her way to Alenstra's quarters, veiled against the prying eyes of soldiers and servants. Entering Alenstra's rooms, she waited while the older woman made her prostration, then bade her rise and beckoned to her to follow. Alenstra donned a veil and obeyed, looking curious and a little scared. In the corridor, they passed a pair of wandering guards, who looked vaguely puzzled and annoyed when Minna sailed past as if she owned the place.
Minna led Alenstra past Blade's quarters and on down the corridor towards the gardens. She turned into
a narrow passage before entering the gardens, slowing as she neared a walled section. Stepping off the path, she went behind the hedge that bordered the wall and moved along it until the open lawn at the heart of the tiny garden was visible. There she stopped, sighing as she scanned the empty greenness.
"Good, we have arrived first."
"What are we doing here, My Queen?"
"You will see soon enough. I have longed for another glimpse of this ever since I saw it once before. A far too brief demonstration that only whetted my appetite for more."
"Are we spying on someone?"
Minna turned to frown at her. "I dislike that word. We are here to watch something spectacular, which you should feel privileged to witness, for it is veiled in secrecy, and has been since its inception."
"Which is why we must hide in the shrubbery?"
"Exactly. Keep very still and quiet or he will sense you."
"Who?"
Minna smiled. "Here he comes."
Alenstra glanced at the entrance to the garden, surprised to see her brother walk in, clad in a loose white shirt tucked into black cloth trousers. He paused and stretched, then made his way over to the fountain that played musically in the centre of the lawn. Alenstra shot the Queen a puzzled look, and found Minna-Satu watching the assassin with a slight smile. Catching Alenstra's look, she placed a finger on her lips and nodded at Blade, indicating that Alenstra should watch her brother.
Blade stripped off his shirt and placed it on the edge of the fountain, then bent and stretched. He took a few light steps, his boots tapping on the stone paving around the fountain, then, to Minna's obvious delight, launched into a dance. Alenstra's mouth dropped open as she watched her brother leap and spin with the lightness of a deer and the grace of a flamingo dancer, his movements flowing and apparently effortless, appearing to hang in the air as if gravity had forgotten him.
The Queen's Blade III - Invisible Assassin Page 10